chr15athome Posted September 12, 2006 Posted September 12, 2006 Hi everyone, I am new to the site as of today so please be gentle...lol. I have been with my girlfriend now for 8 months and we have lived together for almost 6 months. I am pretty sure that we are both in love with each other as we tell each other daily, so now you are wondering why i am needing advice. Well she went out with her freind in to town for a night out and as i was out too and to reduce the cost of taxi fares we decided to meet up at the end of the night. She rang me about 1am and said she didn't feel well as she had drunk too much and if i would meet her so I did. After about 20 mins she said she felt better so we went to a club. We were dancing in a club and I saw her look into her handbag and sneak a look at her phone without actually taking it out, so i asked her if i could borrow it as I had no credit left and she said she didn't either. So as I knew she did I confronted her and asked why she was being secrative and asked to see her phone. She walked over to her friend and I followed she said something to her and her friend walked off. I said come on let me see your phone if have nothing to hide and she said I can't find it and that she had lost it, she even looked round with me for it. Anyway to cut a long story short, she told me that she had given her friend it as she had exchanged texts with her ex, who I am aware of and I don't think he would see her if he knew that we were still together. I have decided that nothing had gone on with them but obviously I don't know what was sent in those texts. The hardest thing i have to try and understand is that if their was nothing in it like she says, then why would she goto the lengths of hiding her phone and claiming she had lost it till the next morning? The only thing I am sure of is that if she didn't want to be with me she wouldn't have bothered hiding the text and to be honest she could be with her ex if she really wanted to. I hope i haven't gone on too much and that the main reason i need advice is because we move to a new home tomorrow and would like to hear some different opinions. I know you will all tell me that I have to do what my heart tells me to as I know her best....lol. Is it possible to stay friends with your ex, I know I can't...lol. What do you think I should do? Thankyou in advance Chris
Walk Posted September 12, 2006 Posted September 12, 2006 I don't know what to tell you. Your gf went to great lengths to ensure you didn't see those text messages. You said "Only thing I am sure of is that if she didn't want to be with me she wouldn't have bothered hiding the text". Not sure I agree with that. And I'm really not sure that's a good way to look at it. She hid them because she knew she was doing something YOU wouldn't like. Something that would potentially hurt you really badly. But there's the possibility that she knew if you saw those texts that you'd break up with her immediately, or she was avoiding repurcussions for her actions. My suggestion.. Talk to her and ask for complete honesty. Let her know she's damaged your trust, and she could stop more damage from being done if she is completely honest with you from now on. No more hiding things and lying to cover her actions. I (IMO) would also state that if I found out later that she lied to me when I asked for the truth during this conversation, that we would be over. But if she was honest, then we had a chance to make it work. Also, I'd have that conversation before the move. Halt everything and take the time to talk with her. Then decide how to preceed from there. Whether moving to a new place together, or just one of you is moving. It may give her incentive to be more honest, if she is having second thoughts about your relationship. I think psychologically, you'd have more of a chance of hearing the truth prior to moving, then after. Especially if the truth has anything to do with her not wanting to continue the relationship. Your last question.. whether it was possible to be friends with an ex. Some people think its fine. My simplified feelings about it: I personally don't like being friends with an ex. I think it causes far too many problems in future relationships. (your situation is a good example)
Author chr15athome Posted September 12, 2006 Author Posted September 12, 2006 Hi thankyou for your reply! I kind of thought like you at first about her not showing me her phone but I thought that if she didn't love me and wasn't bothered about staying together she could have just ended it and shown me. Like she has said, if she wanted to be with her ex she could be, she could have even met him that night without me knowing had she of wanted to but she didn't. I suppose from my point of view i am trying to make the best of a bad situation. At the end of the day it comes down to how i feel and whether I am willing to try and trust her and hope that it is what she says it is. 1 year ago i wouldn't have been bothered as i would have been just as bad, but I have now left my past behind me and made a total commitment to this relationship and I suppose this is one reason why i am so suspicious of her. I think that she does sometimes feel trapped and that she should be able to go out and let her hair down. I do nkow that she wouldn't cheat on me cause she has a big heart but I sometimes feel as though if i wasn't keeping my eye on her she might meet someone new and leave me, but I suppose that this is a risk that everyone faces...lol. I know that I am probably partly to blame for being distrusting of her but I just wish we could have a totally honest relationship even if that means telling each other that we may have texted our ex's, I would find that easier to deal with. Thanks Chris.
Walk Posted September 12, 2006 Posted September 12, 2006 1 year ago i wouldn't have been bothered as i would have been just as bad, but I have now left my past behind me and made a total commitment to this relationship and I suppose this is one reason why i am so suspicious of her. I know that I am probably partly to blame for being distrusting of her but I just wish we could have a totally honest relationship even if that means telling each other that we may have texted our ex's, I would find that easier to deal with. Does she know about what happened a year ago? Or do you think she had some idea that somethign was going on? Did you cheat on her? (You don't have to answer that.. I'm just curious. And no judgement from me if you did, or didn't.) What if you talked to her about being more open and honest with each other? Do you think that would help? You could explain to her the type of relationship you would like to have.. just like you explained in your post above. Tell her you trust her, and she doesnt' have to hide that she texted the ex. But it causes more problems when she does hide it. Tell her something like that? What if you just laid it all out on the line and told her everything (or most) that you feel you've been "hiding" from her...? Do you think that could potentially be worked through and bring the two of you to a higher level of honesty in your relationship? Or do you think it would completely destroy what you have?
DarkShadows Posted September 12, 2006 Posted September 12, 2006 Personally I don't think it is possible. People break up for a reason and there's always that tension there...
Rooster_DAR Posted September 12, 2006 Posted September 12, 2006 If you are a very young couple and have only been together a short time, this kind of immaturity is expected. If you are mature and in a seious LTR, then here's my take: Text messaging is bad news if the S/O is hiding something from you (Unless she's planning a surprise b-day party for you). I would not take this lightly, and keep aware of her behaviour (don't get out of control). The previous post from "Walk" sounds like the correct thing to do, but it simply does not work if she is up to no good. Trust me, if someone is deceiving you and does not want to get caught they will go through great lengths to hide their actions, even when asked for brutal honesty. Trust your gut instincts, they are usually right. Good luck! roost
Sand&Water Posted September 12, 2006 Posted September 12, 2006 Chr15athome, First, and foremost you should talk to your girlfriend as soon as possible. And, I don't mean just a regular conversation. Sit down with her, and have a serious one on one talk with her about ex, lieing, trust, friendships, and the relationship. You and her are in a loving relationship. It's not a simple friendship. It's a relationship that runs deep, with feelings, and a future. You should open your heart to her. She should, also, do the same. I hope you understand that once love is broken, it is difficult to mend. [Nonetheless, it can be done.] Good luck.
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