How do I tell friends and family I don't need marriage?

[sporteguy03]

I am 25 years old and I keep hearing why aren't you married, aren't you interested in anyone from family and friends....I tell them no and they question this like are you crazy you must be interested in someone but I'm not. I never had any relationships and remain a virgin. I never asked for a woman to marry nor expected to be married. I have not been in love either. I don't chase after woman its not an interest of mine, yet my friends and family think I'm gay because I'm not into that stuff, which is strange since I act indifferent to both sexes. I find my interests are into sports, reducing debt and working at a job I love. I don't blame a woman who is not interested in dating a guy who is living on the edge and is always busy with work...which I know is a factor. I don't expect pity as I have taken upon myself to work 60+ hours and work months with no days off. Then I hear about I have no social time, but I work I have to work to survive... My parents and friends are upset with me about this, how can I talk to them about this?

[LVspecB]

I never had any relationships and remain a virgin. I never asked for a woman to marry nor expected to be married. I have not been in love either. I don't chase after woman its not an interest of mine

Well your friends and family have a right to be concerned about you. Straight or gay, you're missing out on some of the greatest experiences in life. No amount of money, job satisfaction or material posessions can replace the joy of connecting with a partner. And until you've been there, you have a flawed frame of reference - you're not comparing it to something (good or bad), you're comparing it to nothing.

 

What are you afraid of?

 

LVspecB

[sporteguy03]

I'm not afraid of anything, just not interested in it...I know many people who never married and have no regrets of it. I have no desire to marry or be in a serious relationship...I rather enjoy life for everything I have not what I don't have....and the more time I work on my job and sports the more happier I am because I don't deal with stress with a partner.

[norajane]

It's admirable that you want to work and get on your feet, and if you love your job that's a huge plus, but I agree with LVspecB in that you're missing out on a lot of living! It sounds like a bit more balance in your life might not be a bad idea. I gain a lot of joy from my family, friends, and my lover, as well as experiencing the world through travel, concerts, scuba diving, belly dancing, gardening...little joys that enrich my life.

 

You certainly don't need to worry about marriage at this point in your life, but opening your heart to friends and lovers is fun.

[sporteguy03]

I have to work though to survive and don't want to burden others with it, I want to get out of debt right now even if it takes 50 years when that day comes I will be estatic! I feel appreciated at work if I take even a day off my managers want me to work because they know how hard I work everyday. I took a day off to see my nephew when I got a chance but I must work to live right now, no sense in getting involved with anyone if I have no money to go out with, not financually stable and my time is occupied. I'm smart enough to know that those are not great qualities. Its like a room with no doors no matter what you can't get out.

[quankanne]

ugh, I can't even BEGIN to imagine the headaches that line of questioning attracts. I think most people cannot comprehend someone existing without a partner, so it seems odd when someone happily goes about his or her way solo ...

 

as much as it must bug you, don't get upset at this line of questioning, but politely, but firmly say that when the time comes you'll consider it. If they persist, just as politely ask "why is this so important to you?" and listen to their answer. Most likely they are concerned about you being alone or lonely, but if they understand that it's not a problem for you, then start accepting your single status.

[whichwayisup]

As long as you are happy, then continue living life this way...

 

But...

 

and the more time I work on my job and sports the more happier I am because I don't deal with stress with a partner.

 

Makes me wonder if you're scared of getting hurt. Work and sports are wonderful, but they don't share intimacy and close moments with ya.

 

Fear of intimacy? Fear of getting hurt? OR do you really not care to be in a relationship because you're happier alone?

 

You're only 25, you're young and who knows, maybe when you're 35 you may feel differently and want to be in a relationship.

[Walk]

Listen.. You listed several reasons "why" you can't get into a relationship right now. But they sound like really bad excuses. And that's fine if you want to use them. But what are the real reasons you don't want a relationship? I suppose it could be fear of intimacy. But could also be that you enjoy the freedom you have? You value your time alone? You are uncomfortable around women, and can't see how it would add value to your free time? Whatever it is, is fine... as long as you understand the real reason in your head. Whatever you do in life, don't lie to yourself. Lie to the rest of the world, but don't lie to yourself. However... most people aren't going to believe your reason as "reason why you don't date". Then they assume your hiding the real reason.

 

It may be more difficult to sustain a relationship working 60+, but by no means impossible. My bf worked 70-90 hours a week the first two years we were together. It was worth it to both of us to continue to make time for each other around his work schedule.

 

Also, we ALL work to survive.

And I'd hazard a guess that ALL of us have been in debt up to our ears at one point in our lives.

 

So maybe the problem you're having with your family is that they don't believe the excuses you are giving them. They think they are excuses and that causes them even greater concern for your well-being because then they think you aren't telling them the real problem. They're concerned about your happiness.

 

What if you just told them that you are happy with your life. That you don't know what the future holds, but for now.. you like the fact that you can choose to play sports when you want, work when you want, relax when you want. If that's the real reason, then whats so wrong with that?

 

But the work hours and debt... those are not terribly convincing excuses. You aren't working that many hours, and if you have access to a computer and internet, then you aren't THAT indebt. You probably see it as horrendous because you don't know anything worse.

 

If you want to get someone to stop bugging you about why you aren't in a relationship, those excuses have too many holes, and aren't convincing. Either say you're happy as you are. Or point blank tell them it's your life and you'd appreicate it if they'd stop asking you about relationships. Or ask them what their real concern is. They may just want you to be happy, and all they are searching for is confirmation of that.

[portableversion]

Marriage and relationships aren't for everybody. Don't let these judgers here fool you...they can be a real pain in the ass. Just go to the 'marriage and infidelity' forum and see for yourself.

 

How much debt do you have?? As to your family, just tell them that relationships are a pain the ass and you don't want to deal with it.

[blind_otter]

If you don't feel the need to engage in this behavior then don't, but I see no reason why you should have a serious heart to heart with anyone regarding your personal lifestyle choices.

 

Maybe you should just say that. "I see no reason why I need to disclose my personal lifestyle choices."

[ddw5195]

You know you are so very right. keep up with what you are doing. listen what you are is honest, trueful and hard working. you need not worry what is in store for you!!!! YES, it is wonderful to have someone love you, it is wonderful to come home to that special person. GOD has that person for you. you see most of us(humans man or woman) choose our paths. we do and it clearly states in the Bible I have the way the truth the life. we also take it apoun ourselfs to find the husband or wife when it clearly states in the bible a mate has already be choosen for you. you need to focus on you!!!! if you find yourself one day in love then so be it and if not and your ok with that then that should be ok too. 9 marrages out of 10 end in divorce and at least 8 out of the divorce's have children that are hurt and have issues when they grow up. I am from a broken home myself and the hard struggles of life of where I was left as a child and my mother was left to raise 4 children on her own no support nothing and the child hood was full of love from mom but we were dirt poor. so you keep steady in what you belive in and if you one day find that special person then you will know it is God given, not man willing. as far as your family that is hounding you are they still in thier marrage? or have they been married and divorced and then remarried? what about the relationships in the past.... have they be broken hearted and thought that they could not live another day? it is alot of dramma....ALOT.... but really, keep an open mind....and just stay focused in what you want cause it is all about you and how you will live your life and if they pressure is still on then I would simply explain how much this just makes you so mad and that you are just not intrested in the love thing right now. and to those in the family that have been divorced and remarried or be broken do you rember what it felt like??? ok then that is why I have no intrest in it. WAY TO GO ON THE VIRGIN!!!! stay that way cause if and when you find yourself in love you would have saved the best part of you for that special person.. my Preacher said to me once.I have never had to consul a couple that waited for sex after marrage it is the one that had sex before marrage. hold fast to what you belive in. no matter the out come, However dont be closed minded, what I mean is belive that if it is ment to be then it will happen and if it is not then so be it. the old saying goes when you least expect it it will come like a whirlwind and you will be blow away. GOD bless you in your adventures!!!!

[sporteguy03]

Thank you for the responses...it is great to see some diversity here. To answer the question am I fearful of intimacy no. I can talk to people and really get to know them and they share personal info with me because they trust me. How is working hard and being in debt bad excuses? If you can't afford to have a wedding or a family why put others into your debt problems, if anything that is showing more concern for those around you. Many of my friends complain about things like their spouse working too much or having no money, then why would it be wrong to say I can't do it and don't want to hurt anyone? I have had intimacy with sports and work many times, I have seen co-workers have babies and they share with me their misfortunes....Sports.... I have seen an athlete break their leg at my job and I had to comfort the families since I was the only one there...all never in relationships or marriage...I enjoy my life as it is now...maybe when I can no longer work or retire I'll join a volunteering group and still share intimate moments with those around me.

[norajane]

am I fearful of intimacy no.

 

I can talk to people and really get to know them and they share personal info with me

 

showing more concern for those around you.

 

I have seen co-workers have babies and they share with me their misfortunes....

 

Sports.... I have seen an athlete break their leg at my job and I had to comfort the families

 

I'll join a volunteering group and still share intimate moments with those around me.

 

That's very one-sided intimacy. They are sharing themselves and their vulnerabilities with you, but you are not sharing yourself and your vulnerabilities with them.

 

Reread this list...they share their information with me, they share their misfortunes, they share their childbirths, you comfort them and their families, you would volunteer and help those who are vulnerable.

 

You aren't letting anyone into who you are. That's fear of intimacy. No one is allowed to see inside you.

[whichwayisup]

Intimacy as in sex. Intimacy as in loving, giving and having someone physically there for you day in and day out...That is what I meant, not platonic friendships.

 

Anyway, you're 25 years old, you got tons of time so just live your life the way you want. Don't let friends/family pressure you into anything! What counts is how you feel at the end of the day and it sounds like you're quite satisfied and fulfilled already...BUT, in 10 years who knows? Maybe you'll want more out of life, a loving relationship...

[LVspecB]

Don't let these judgers here fool you

Judgement involves a measured consideration of the options. And, whatever advantages aside sporteguy03 feels his monkish and celibate life present, he seems to have closed himself to even the possibility of a relationship. I don't think anyone, myself included, is proposing that he turn into a party animal or marry an internet-sourced Russian bride. But, at age 25, by completly turning his back on companionship and sex, he seems to be giving up an awful lot...

 

LVspecB

[sporteguy03]

I have shared my vulnerabilities with people at work. I call one of my co-workers everyday even at his home to talk about things, I just selectively choose who I talk to about them....I do keep my life private mostly. How can I give up alot by giving up companionship and sex?

 

Sex is no way to judge one's manhood or purpose in life. Companionship is the same I feel. If someone never has a companion do you view their accomplishments differently?

 

some people can go their whole life not marrying by many factors.....if you find a purpose and can see beyond that isn't a life still worth living.

 

I rather live my life without marriage or sex then not live at all....theres infinte other reasons to live....

 

One of my co-workers who I am intimate with told me this:

You can see life as an apple or an orchard, you can have only an apple or pick a bushel and have many different types of apples not one is the same, you can't look at onde thing at life and base it solely on that.

 

Enjoy every moment you can now because in time you will be an old man.

 

Thats how I view it.....Focus on things that you are succeding with and those will bring better things.

[TheDiva]

You are an adult and really it's none of their business. I had family and friends that did the same to me.

 

Diva don't want a boyfriend? Diva don't want to get married? She must not like men....

 

At the time I had other things on my mind. Relationships, Marriage Blah! I understand where you are coming from. Unfortunately I never found a way to shut them up.

 

Live for you, not them! Good Luck.

[Sand&Water]

Sporteguy03,

 

I'll post a response in the coming days. I have a few comments to add. Thanks.

[Guest]

Marriage and relationships aren't for everybody. Don't let these judgers here fool you...they can be a real pain in the ass. Just go to the 'marriage and infidelity' forum and see for yourself.

 

How much debt do you have?? As to your family, just tell them that relationships are a pain the ass and you don't want to deal with it.

 

For some reason I forgot my pass word (I am Mirage222) but Understanding that marriage and relationships are not for all... but how would one know what is right for them if they are not willing to "get their feet wet" in the first place?

[LVspecB]

if they are not willing to "get their feet wet"

 

Or any other part of their body

 

LVspecB

[Sand&Water]

Sporteguy03,

 

I have read your posts. And, I have noticed that you are somewhat unhappy as a person. Please, correct me if I'm wrong but that's just something I picked up on.

 

I do believe that it starts with working on yourself. There is no simple way to fend off family and friends from asking you such questions. However, showing and projecting a happy, positive vibe to the world can make a difference. When people see how incredibly happy you are in your current life they will see the real you.

 

I know it can be hard to voice your thoughts to your family. I, too, have a difficult time answering such questions. I get asked at least once a month. I'm almost going insane!

 

Don't change for them. Do the things you want to do in life, and don't give into their psychoatic attacks. Tell them that you are seriously happy in your life, and do not wish to marry anytime soon/ever.

 

Best of luck to you.

[Guest]

After reading your first post, it was like looking in a mirror. Believe it or not I'm in the same boat as you but i'm trying to get out of it. Don't think that I will but at least I'm trying. I actually have a fear of intimacy like some other people here have suggested and that took me a very long time to realize. I used to think it was because I wasn't good enough and I actually had to go to therapy (secretly) to find out I was wrong (pretty pathetic I know). Man I was so so wrong to think that way. I've never dated myself and I'm around your age, little younger. I don't know if you have been asked out but I have and everytime I just push them away not caring about their feelings.

 

I feel so bad with that happens so now I'm to the point where I just avoid the situation altogether. I do blame others for me being alone but really it's me that I should be blaming. I also see you as unhappy deep down and your just hidding behind it with your work and saying how things are a burden and you don't want to bother it with anyone. Wether you want to believe that or not I don't care. I do think that being in a relationship has many positives but since I haven't been in one, I can't say anything about it. I can't judge something that I haven't experienced and you shouldn't either. Well just to let you know, debts and bills don't go away. Please don't use that as an excuse along with "i'm to busy." No one is to busy to be in a relationship. It's a stupid habit to get into and once you get into it you can't seem to get out. Trust me I know.

 

If you actually want to not marry anyone then just tell them that you're not going to and to just drop it. My family asks me all the time and I mean all the time. Friends too. Me personally I just change the subject because I don't want to tell them the real reason. To me they just wouldn't understand because I don't talk to them intimatly. I never have and probably won't. Now other members of my family can talk to them like that but for some reason I just can't. I have tryed many time before but they just don't listen. It's like everyone else can say stuff to me but I can't. I think that's part of my problem. No one wants to hear what I have to say so I just shut everyone out and show no emotion to them about anything personal. I've been so quite that I think i'm afraid to try again with anyone. Sorry to have told you this but I felt that I should have. If your truly happy then fine, stay like that and just live your life the way that you want too.

[sporteguy03]

What makes you think I might be unhappy? I have learned it is better to enjoy what you have then what you don't have???

If someone did not get a fancy car do we assume they are unhappy??

 

I have heard the busy excuse line from many many people.

I work sometimes 12-14 days for 7 days so how can I start a relationship in that and put time into it??

 

I am writing this post two hours before I work I won't see any responses til like 11pm tonight.

 

Everytime I work I smile not a fake smile but a real smile...people can see that I enjoy life...I don't ask for favors or anything...and I don't complain about the job I do it. I am intimate with God and feel that by doing my best in what I can be sucessful at is important.

[blind_otter]

For some reason I forgot my pass word (I am Mirage222) but Understanding that marriage and relationships are not for all... but how would one know what is right for them if they are not willing to "get their feet wet" in the first place?

 

Well that's his choice, whether he wants to try or not. If he doesn't try, that's a shame, but it's his life, and he has no obligation to live in a manner that other people think is more appropriate.

 

Besides what a nightmare to marry and then divorce -- just to discover something that you already knew about yourself. I wouldn't wish that on anyone.