Rachel Posted February 12, 2002 Posted February 12, 2002 Well, those of you who are regulars probably remember me. I went through the painful breakup about a year and a half ago..... I was a SURVIVOR . I started dating a wonderful man about 8 months ago..... he is in his forties. Never been married. We have both discussed that because of our past long distance relationships and the hurt and pain of that, that if this relationship is NOT the one, we will end this one before dragging it out into a long one.... that was a while back. This weekend we had a pretty good heart to heart. These are some of the things that have come about.... . He says deep down he is independent, and he has some fear that some woman may pin him down.... and that is a fear he has about marriage. But that he WANTS to be married. . He wants us to discuss family and religion....Topics we haven't discussed. I've met his family he hasn't met most of mine. . He says because he wants marriage to be synonymous with LOVE, that he has been kind of guarded with his emotions because he doesn't want to just say "I love you" AND NOT HAVE THAT SYNONYMOUS WITH MARRIAGE. He says that in many ways he loves me. I told him, if he can't get his guard down, and figure out FIRST if he loves me, that there's no point. He agreed that he will give it 100 percent... He thinks we should have regular conversations over the next 1-2 months and not drag it out beyond that so neither will hurt the other too much.. I want to know all advice on this topic. Any questions I should ask him..... Part of me feels very positive. Part of me thinks too many negatives are stacked against us.... Any thoughts?
midori Posted February 12, 2002 Posted February 12, 2002 Dear Rachel, It's hard to know exactly what to think about the situation you've described. On the one hand it's good to see that he's putting thought into this, and is not just coasting along, hoping that the issue will take care of itself one way or another. And it does seem good that he's trying to discuss this with you, and is being open about how he feels. But at some point he's going to have to simply make a brave choice: give love a shot or walk away because he's too afraid of the consequences should he fail. It's a choice that only he can make. All the conversations in the world -- and all the time in the world -- will not make that choice for him. So what's going on here? Is this guy just stalling for time, trying to squeeze a few more precious months in with you before he, inevitably, walks(runs) away? Or is he genuinely trying to sort out what he feels and where he stands? Obviously you'd prefer to think it's the latter, and even if in the end it proves to be the former, I think you can't go wrong with being very honest with him about anything you feel is important. Honesty and a bit of patience -- in the short term. Ask him whatever questions you have: you need to make up your mind too (even if you think you already have, surely there are things you'd like to know). If he's serious about this, he'll answer your questions, he'll ask questions of his own. He'll keep this new dynamic going until he's had sufficient time & information to make up his mind. If he lets this drop, if he gets evasive about your questions, if he seems like he's backing away, then he is probably preparing his exit. Obviously you don't want to crowd him and give him no breathing room at all but -- having been a similar situation myself -- I can say that you ought to keep your ears open, really open, to hear what he's saying, and not saying. A month will be more than sufficient for you to figure out whether or not he's for real. But either way there is nothing you can do about this because believe it or not, it's not your issue to solve. It's ridiculously obvious if you stop to think about it, but I once made the huge mistake of taking responsibility for "curing" my (now ex) bf of his indecision. Only your bf can figure out whether he's ready for the commitment of marriage and the vulnerability that accompanies truly intimate love. Your preferences regarding children & lifestyle will not answer this question for him. Bear that in mind so that you don't try to tie yourself up in knots wondering what you should say or do next. You'll be able to live with yourself regardless of the outcome if you are honest & straightforward with him. Respect his need for a bit of patience, but don't forget your own need for the same. If he's so absorbed in his perspective and his issues that he doesn't even have a thought for you and the impact his indecisiveness has on you, then he's not respecting you. And THAT ought to tell you far more about him than anything we might have to say.
Tony T Posted February 12, 2002 Posted February 12, 2002 I think it's good for two people to have talks, to communicate well. I don't think enough couples get to know important aspects of each other before they plunge into marriage. However, the overall feeling I get from this is that he is not in love with you and he has no intention of marrying you. He's old enough to know the drill. And while a man may be gun shy about intimacy and romance, that fear usually melts when he finds the right person...especially at his age. If he was truly in love with you, he wouldn't be reserved about planning a future with you and he wouldn't be playing the kind of games he's playing. In my opinion, you ought to clear the slate and find a man who thinks you're the greatest thing that has ever happened in his life. A man like that is not about to let you slide by.
Ed Posted February 12, 2002 Posted February 12, 2002 > Well, those of you who are regulars probably remember me. I went through the painful breakup about a year and a half ago..... I was a SURVIVOR . I started dating a wonderful man about 8 months ago..... he is in his forties. Never been married. We have both discussed that because of our past long distance relationships and the hurt and pain of that, that if this relationship is NOT the one, we will end this one before dragging it out into a long one.... that was a while back. Unless you are seperated by a complete generation, what does his age have to do with it? How old are you? Are you currently in a long distance relationship this guy? If so, how far apart are you and how much time do you spend together, in person, now? The first thing that comes to my mind after reading this is, there is not a "THE ONE" relationship. There are many people you could, potentially, be in a relationship with. Any of which could work out or not work out. The closer they are to you (in proximity) and the more time you get to spend together as a couple, the better the chances are of knowing how compatible you will be. This weekend we had a pretty good heart to heart. These are some of the things that have come about.... . He says deep down he is independent, and he has some fear that some woman may pin him down.... and that is a fear he has about marriage. But that he WANTS to be married. This is no revelation. Every single person in the free, modern World (I think) wants to be independent. There is no reason in a free society why anyone should live under oppression. However, everyone is expected to conform to some standard of behavior. Whether it be from their government, religion, family, friends or spouse. You need to tell him what your expectations are. Tell him what you want and expect from a companion, a lover and a spouse. . He wants us to discuss family and religion....Topics we haven't discussed. I've met his family he hasn't met most of mine. Absolutely! You need to talk about religion. What kind of religion, if any, you will practice individually or together. If children will be involved, you need to discuss what religious teachings, if any, those children would be exposed to. . He says because he wants marriage to be synonymous with LOVE, that he has been kind of guarded with his emotions because he doesn't want to just say "I love you" AND NOT HAVE THAT SYNONYMOUS WITH MARRIAGE. He says that in many ways he loves me. I told him, if he can't get his guard down, and figure out FIRST if he loves me, that there's no point. He agreed that he will give it 100 percent... You have been with this guy for eight months, right? For some people eight months is a long-term relationship. For others it is only a drop in the bucket. I don't know what he means by this or if he is trying to tell you something without actually spelling it out, but love is completely seperate from marriage. Hopefully the two will converge and coexist, but it is possible to be in love with someone you are not married to and you can be married to someone you are not in love with. Maybe that's his point. Either way you look at it...he is telling you one of two things...he is not in love with you OR he is not ready to be married or engaged to you. He thinks we should have regular conversations over the next 1-2 months and not drag it out beyond that so neither will hurt the other too much.. This is reasonable. If, after eight months, you think this relationship has the potential for a long(er)-term relationship, talk about these important topics you have mentioned here. I want to know all advice on this topic. Any questions I should ask him..... Part of me feels very positive. Part of me thinks too many negatives are stacked against us.... Any thoughts? This is all the advice I have right now. If you respond with additional infomation or other questions, I will reply as soon as I can. Best of luck to you, Ed
Rachel Posted February 12, 2002 Posted February 12, 2002 Hi Midori! I am as always impressed with your clarity of thought and elegant way of phrasing things.... Yes, you ARE right. I am not going to try to persuade him one way or the other.... I know all the conversations in the world will not make that decision for him. It is for him to decide. Also, my last indecisive and probably dis-honest (yanked my chain for ever) boyfriend, I am not going to tie myself in knots trying to figure it out and act any differently than I normally would... I DO believe he is being open. I will continue to ask him questions and see how he responds.... Thanks for your response. I'll keep you posted.
Rachel Posted February 26, 2002 Posted February 26, 2002 Hi all.... to the regulars, who know I come to this site on a regular basis, this is what's going on : We are taking about 3 weeks to see where the relationship is going. we wont' be contacting eachother in that time. He says he knows what I want(movement in the direction of marriage), and he doesn't want to waste my time. And I respect that. In the meantime, I am O.K. with that. I feel that whatever will happen is probably good.... at least he didnt' waste my time for 2 1/2 years like the other guy and was and has been totaly honest. As far as what happens, I went in this relationship with my eyes wide open and knew that he had not been married or even engaged before, so I had been open to the idea of this being an issue..... I am surprised at how well I am doing. I know I will have rough days, but nothing like the last breakup when I feel flat on my face and my a**. I feel like I have learned soooooo much on this site that its impossible to quantify, and that helped me greatly in my personal growth over the past year. Also, one of the things I've realized is that even if this relationship doesn't work out, there WILL be other guys, sooner or later.... and that knowledge gives me a lot of confidence knowing that I won't be alone(which used to be one of my main fears and issues). I also know these things cannot be forced into "working-out" and therefore, I will let them happen naturally. I am NOT calling him and wont' until I hear from him. Well, thanks to all the regulars ..... I have to say that I feel like I know about 6-7 of you, and kind of feel like we're friends.... is that dumb or what?
yes Posted February 26, 2002 Posted February 26, 2002 Sounds good! At least u'll know the resolution soon enough. I remember Tony said in one of his replies to my posts that when you don't care either way, that's when guys will be all over you. So you must be on the right track Good luck. -yes Hi all.... to the regulars, who know I come to this site on a regular basis, this is what's going on : We are taking about 3 weeks to see where the relationship is going. we wont' be contacting eachother in that time. He says he knows what I want(movement in the direction of marriage), and he doesn't want to waste my time. And I respect that. In the meantime, I am O.K. with that. I feel that whatever will happen is probably good.... at least he didnt' waste my time for 2 1/2 years like the other guy and was and has been totaly honest. As far as what happens, I went in this relationship with my eyes wide open and knew that he had not been married or even engaged before, so I had been open to the idea of this being an issue..... I am surprised at how well I am doing. I know I will have rough days, but nothing like the last breakup when I feel flat on my face and my a**. I feel like I have learned soooooo much on this site that its impossible to quantify, and that helped me greatly in my personal growth over the past year. Also, one of the things I've realized is that even if this relationship doesn't work out, there WILL be other guys, sooner or later.... and that knowledge gives me a lot of confidence knowing that I won't be alone(which used to be one of my main fears and issues). I also know these things cannot be forced into "working-out" and therefore, I will let them happen naturally. I am NOT calling him and wont' until I hear from him. Well, thanks to all the regulars ..... I have to say that I feel like I know about 6-7 of you, and kind of feel like we're friends.... is that dumb or what?
Ed Posted February 26, 2002 Posted February 26, 2002 Hi Rachel, I'm glad you have found comfort in this forum. I have too. I get a lot out of it. Whether I am reading the posts or writing one, it helps me understand myself better and see things much clearer. You sound like you have a good perspective on things. I have suffered from the same fears of being alone. I think everyone has at one time or another. After overcoming that fear (at least I think I have), I actually crave some alone time. I need it. It's kind of like, I need to recharge my batteries or something. Just put me down, plug me in and let me absorb some energy instead of continually expending it. And if things have changed after I get recharged, Oh Well! It had to be done. I'll just pick up a carry on with the matters at hand. You know now that you will be just fine, no matter what happens. That is an excellent place to be. It gives you the power to make wise choices for yourself. There is nothing like feeling flat busted and then discovering that you have very much to be thankful for and many opportunities to look forward to. I hope many good things and people come your way. Ed
Rachel Posted February 26, 2002 Posted February 26, 2002 Hi Ed, Thanks for your kind words. Yes it IS empowering to know you'll be find alone.... of course I know I will have tough days ahead of me, and maybe tough months, but basically I will be fine. It's glad to know others get a lot out of this forum as well!
BeenThere Posted February 26, 2002 Posted February 26, 2002 "Alone" is just a state of mind, Rachel. And once we realize this our fears drop away and we open ourselves up to opportunity and our own personal potential. The grass always seems to be greener on the other side. Single people want to be in committed relationships while people who feel stuck in unhappy relationships long to be free and single again. I've been on both sides of the fence. And as lonely as being single may feel at times, I guarantee there is NO kind of lonely like being stuck in a relationship where there is no love...and no easy escape. And I agree with the above post...the minute you become comfortable with being alone and find your inner peace and happiness, others will see this in you and gravitate towards you. You represent something a lot of people are desperately looking to find within themselves and seeing it in you will attract them like moths to a flame. I GUARANTEE IT! I applaud you, Rachel. You are about to discover the secret to life and love!! Hugs! Hi Ed, Thanks for your kind words. Yes it IS empowering to know you'll be find alone.... of course I know I will have tough days ahead of me, and maybe tough months, but basically I will be fine. It's glad to know others get a lot out of this forum as well!
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