I'm having a change or heart. Is it a good thing

[mlchris2]

many might know my story. If not you can read my posts. Since the first day my wife and I seperated, I've told her I really do love her and I'd wait for her to get comfortable and through this whole mess. I've done all but do what she's asked of me... I think I ruined any chance of getting back together with her.

 

the D papers are ready to sign and were suppose to go this week. I keep beggin her to not go through with it, but she is confident this is what she needs to do.

 

I spent some time alone this past week and something popped into my head that I cant stop thinking about... I started to wonder how crazy of a man i would be to wait for my wife to come back. I mean, if she isnt willing to work together at our marriage now, what would make a second time any different?

 

What is happening to me? Am I slowly seeing the light at the end of the tunnel, so to speak? I really do love my wife and i would give up everything to be a family again. It really saddens me when I started feeling this way.

 

i'd like to hear what you all think... reguardless if it hurts or not

 

l8ter

 

mc

[Gunny376]

If I'm correct from your original post this has been going on for almost a year now? And, your a days away from filing?

 

As i understand it your wife was 20 when she and you got married, had three kids. And, over the last seven years she's been a Mom/Wife. Sounds like she's wanting and needing more out of life than that. She never experienced single life as an adult ~ and now she's in that mode. Usually when this happens ~ there's zero chance of reconlication.

 

You should learn from this expeience. These last eight years haven't been wasted years ~ you've learned a lot about the realities of being marrried, of being a father, and how much work is truly involved. Cut yourself some slack! You didn't have 10% of the knowledge that you needed. I'm assuming that you were in your early twenties when you got married. Statiscally, you only had about a ten percent chance of pulling this off to begin.

 

Its hard finding someone who's got the skill set, experience, and characther to be married, that loves and is in love with you and vice versa. Introduce the day to day reality of making a living, keeping a roof over your head, food in everybody's mouth, clothes on their back ~ and it can get crazy quick, fast, and in a hurry like. The wife if she's a SAHM is stressed and bored. the Husband is just stressed. Throw in the consumer-finance industry, along with the 5th Avenue adverstising telling you're nobody unless you've got this or that ~ mental health issues come into play. Aniexty, depression. Meanwhile the DH is tryin to climb up the food chain in his carrer ~ its damned wonder we're not all drunks and/or on drugs. Its this successful life and living the American dream that's tearing us apart.

 

There's a lot to be gained by all of this actually ~ I mean I'm not trying to miminmize your pain, but now is the time to take the time to get your life in order, and set upon the right path. Lady Jane and I have been preaching the gosspel of divorce, and relationships as though we've just received it from down off the mountain and its just been announced that tomorrow is Judgement day. Now is the time to get fully invested and to get a clue about the complexities of what it actually takes to make a relationship ~ let alone a marriage work. MarriageBuilders, Divorcenet, LS, Dr. John Grey (Men Are From Mars, and Women Are From Venus), Dr. Hellen Kreidman (Light Her Fire, Light His Fire, Light Your Fire, How To Light His Fire When You Have Children), and David DeAngleo's Double Your Dating, and Carlos Xuma's Dating Dynamics and Secrets of the Alpha Male are all sites you should be checking out.

 

Financially, you should be using this time to get your financial house in order. Mary Hunt's "Debt Proof Living" and Suzie Orman's sites and books are things that you should be checking out and working on. Use this time to get yourself completly out of debt, and to build up a one year's contingency fund~ that is to say you can go one whole years without a dime coming in from anywhere else, and still keep a roof over your head, food in your mouth, pay child support, etc. Then build up savings for designated and anticipated expenses, what Mary Hunt calls, "Freedom Accounts"

 

In direct answer to your question? Love is the self imposed dilussion that any given person has something that the other six and half billion people on the planet don't have. The problem here isn't the STBXW, nor the divorce, but that you're never are going to find someone to love you that you love. That's BS thinking. Go down to the old folks home, and talk to Life's Vets, and they will tell you that's BS!

 

It amazes me that we spend and will invest years and thousands of dollars going to school to learn a trade, but even the best and brightest of us won't invest $20 in a book to learn how to be successful in inter-relationships.

[Guest]

mlchris2,

 

I only feel sorry for you reading your posts. You obviously didn't listen to any of the solid advice people gave you.

 

You are still kind of being weak right now. I don't think you respect yourself at all. Do you really want to walk on eggshells around your wife?

 

It's been a year. You'd think that in that time, you would have learned to stand up for yourself, but sadly, you have not.

 

I hope you learn a lot from this experience. I truly do. Good luck.

[LakesideDream]

Sacrificeing and "waiting" for your D wife to come back to you is pretty senseless and self serving. Playing the marytr role may seem attractive to you right now.. thinking "I will be strong, see will see the light and be back" is just plain old delusional thinking.

 

It shouts to the reality that you are wallowing in denial. The only remote (very remote) possiblility that you have of your dream coming true is to make yourself into a dynamic man, strong, successful, self reliant, attractive, and ignore her completely.

 

Don't count on her changing her mind though. Good Luck, you are gonna need it.

[Billy Bob]

As i understand it your wife was 20 when she and you got married, had three kids. And, over the last seven years she's been a Mom/Wife. Sounds like she's wanting and needing more out of life than that. She never experienced single life as an adult ~ and now she's in that mode. Usually when this happens ~ there's zero chance of reconlication.

 

Awesome Gunny, that almost describes my situation to a tee (except for me it was 15 years before the wife flaked out and wated to experience single life. I am so excited to be dumping her ass now after fighting for a year + to save the marriage. It takes a while to get over the addiction. Plus it helps meeting a GF I've met a gal now who has a good job, looking for a good husband, has a lot to offer, while the wife was just a leech who liked to party (not with me) and wasn't interested in being a mother.

 

So, mlchris2... get over your addiction, as Gunny always says there are plenty of fish in the sea, go find one who appreciates you and has something to offer in the relationship. Dump the dead wood. Your not in-love with her, you addicted to the marriage. How can you be in-love with someone who doesn't care about you? Chemicals in the brain.. see the light.

[Gunny376]

Awesome Gunny, that almost describes my situation to a tee (except for me it was 15 years before the wife flaked out and wated to experience single life. I am so excited to be dumping her ass now after fighting for a year + to save the marriage. It takes a while to get over the addiction. Plus it helps meeting a GF I've met a gal now who has a good job, looking for a good husband, has a lot to offer, while the wife was just a leech who liked to party (not with me) and wasn't interested in being a mother.

 

So, mlchris2... get over your addiction, as Gunny always says there are plenty of fish in the sea, go find one who appreciates you and has something to offer in the relationship. Dump the dead wood. Your not in-love with her, you addicted to the marriage. How can you be in-love with someone who doesn't care about you? Chemicals in the brain.. see the light.

 

 

Can write a best seller, go on Oprah and Dr. Phil!

[umbo]

MLchris Got a great answer for you go to a website called nomarriage.com you will have all your answers there a hard pill to swallow but so true.

[Woggle]

That is the right mentality to have, I refuse to ever beg a woman to love me and if one day my wife wants out so be it. Women and relationships are not all there is to the world and I can be perfectly happy without it in my life even though I appreciated what I have right now. I say be glad to get rid of the flake.