Guest Posted September 11, 2006 Posted September 11, 2006 My wife 8 years and mother of my 2 kids has been having an emotional and mildly physical affair for 3 months. I found her out and told her it had to end, so she phones him in my presence and ends it... supposedly. I know find out she has talked to him once in three weeks and she explains that she feels she needs to see him in person and then she woul be able to let him go. Do you quit smoking by having one more cigarette? This guy she's been seeing is not anyone that could fit into her future and she swears devotion to us again, but to want to see him to end it once and for all, is she fooling herself and trying to fool me? Or should I let her go and see this guy? I'd like to tell her to go see him and don't come back but I have my kids to think of. I could sure use some other points of view Thanks
Ladyjane14 Posted September 12, 2006 Posted September 12, 2006 Tell her that if she needs to end it in person, and out of ear-shot.... there's nothing left but for you to assume she's telling the OM things that she feels are inappropriate for you to hear. If that's the case, she leaves you to imagine THE WORST. Ask her also... how will she EVER convince you that the meeting was innocent, and what would it take to convince HER if the shoe were on the other foot?
norajane Posted September 12, 2006 Posted September 12, 2006 Tell her ok, but you have to be there with her and her OM.
whichwayisup Posted September 12, 2006 Posted September 12, 2006 The only reason why she wants to end it face to face is so she can "see" him one last time, or kiss him etc... No way. Stand your ground. It is over and that's that. She needs some closure, tell her to get into therapy and do that for herself, but no way is she to contact him again. He'll get over it so he shouldn't be her concern anymore. She MUST choose, you or him, she cannot have it both ways. Be strong, stand your ground!! I'd like to tell her to go see him and don't come back but I have my kids to think of. Then tell her this exactly how you said it here. She goes out that door to see him again, she shouldn't come back home to you. It's over if she does that.
Bryanp Posted September 12, 2006 Posted September 12, 2006 Absolutely not. She has disrespected and humiliated you and your marriage. If the roles were reversed, would she say go ahead and meet her alone so you can say goodbye again? You have already caught her talking to him again. I don't get it. She should be doing everything in her power to regain your trust. She is doing just the opposite. I don't know your definition of mildly physical but if they have been doing this for 3 months I doubt it was only mildly physical. I assume your wife told you this. Well since you have caught her lying and cheating on you then why would you believe anything she says now? If the OM is married contact his wife. The fact that your wife wants to meet him alone again after contacting again after no contact indicates that she continues to put him as a higher priority over you. I would be very careful that the affair is and will continue in the near future. No consequences to her actions equals no motivation to change. I wish you luck.
reservoirdog1 Posted September 12, 2006 Posted September 12, 2006 I agree, stand your ground. Tell her that they ONLY way you'll be okay with that is if you go with her. She's the cheater here. She's the one who has to put your feelings and your marriage first if she wants it to survive. If she still insists on going despite your feelings, that should give you a pretty strong indication of how much importance you rate with her.
Mz. Pixie Posted September 12, 2006 Posted September 12, 2006 The only reason why she wants to end it face to face is so she can "see" him one last time, or kiss him etc... No way. Stand your ground. It is over and that's that. She needs some closure, tell her to get into therapy and do that for herself, but no way is she to contact him again. He'll get over it so he shouldn't be her concern anymore. She MUST choose, you or him, she cannot have it both ways. Be strong, stand your ground!! Then tell her this exactly how you said it here. She goes out that door to see him again, she shouldn't come back home to you. It's over if she does that. I have to agree with WWIU. It's one last attempt to see him, touch him or tell him "We have to cool it a bit and then I'll call you when things calm down" Stand your ground. No way!!! You guys need to get in marriage counseling as well!
Guest Posted September 12, 2006 Posted September 12, 2006 How did you find out about her and OM? Her cell phone was beeping so I opened it up and there was a text message saying "I love you". I confronted her immediatly that it had to end. This was a workplace affair and the next day was her last day at that job and she said she would end it then. I set up a recording device in our vehicle and taped the conversation that they had, I also set up phone recorders, spyware on the computer, and figured out how to view on my computer every text that came into and left her phone. It became clear that she had not ended it properly though I did get to listen to a half assed attempt. I confronted again, she phoned him with me beside her and made a slightly more convincing break. But through my own sneakiness I found out she was making plans to be at a place where she knew he would be. I've told her NO MORE CHANCES and I do mean it, being the man in the relationship I just know I'll get the shaft on custody and I come from a broken home and can't take the thought of my kids going through that. She now says that she want's to write a letter to the guy and be done, also go to councilling and make us work. I told her I need to know it's done so I can start to heal. Last night rather than writing her letter or reading the many articles I printed on how to break it off, she played a computer game. All of your advice has been so right!! Am I just fooling myself in thinking it could work out? I've read that it is a good idea to tell everyone you know about the affair, then the humiliation and lack of excitement about going to see the OM makes the affair end pretty quick. Thanks again
RecoverMe Posted September 20, 2006 Posted September 20, 2006 I too found out from the cell phone, and my intuition. Wow, sounds like you are quite the techie, setting up all those ways to monitor her calls, etc. etc. I agree with the others that you need to be there if she's going to do this in person. She doesn't owe the OM a single thing and owes you EVERYTHING. and should be trying her damndest to prove to you she wants to be married to you. My H wanted to do the same thing, end it in person, and I told him if he did then he would most likely be coming back to his stuff out on the street and changed locks. That got him thinking (and maybe panicking), but it nontheless sunk in the reality that that was not going to fly. Your wife sounds alot like my H, very ambivalent, unable to be confrontational, wanting to be nice to the other person......I think ambivalence is par for the course in affairs, espcecially after discovery. they don't want to give up the other b/c they are unsure of what their spouse will do. I had to convince my H that I wanted to save our marriage, but he had to cut it off completely with OW, and I made the boundry pretty clear. What ended up happening anyway?
Bryanp Posted September 20, 2006 Posted September 20, 2006 No consequences to her actions equals no motivation to change. If the roles were reversed how do you think she would be acting?
Rooster_DAR Posted September 21, 2006 Posted September 21, 2006 Chalk one up here with the cell phone as well.
Bernard70 Posted October 6, 2006 Posted October 6, 2006 [FONT=Times New Roman][sIZE=3]I am dating a married woman, her husband cheated 5 years ago, and she’s been living with this since then. When I met her we started to exchange e-mails (~50-100 per day), from time to time we sat e-chatting the whole night, we talked about everything and then the sex part started to appear;[/sIZE][/FONT] [sIZE=3][FONT=Times New Roman] Her husband got suspicious and confronted her, she told him she loves me, He got crazy and for more than two months every night he begged her to "come back" and to have sex with him; the occasional times she had she was not thinking about him (at least is what she said). The problem is that they share the same bed, and I can see her only during classes’ days. We meet, we talk, and we laugh. She tells me she loves me, she is crazy about me, She wants to go to my classes , to spend more time, etc. I am really comfortable with her, and eventually started to think (and tell her) about living with her. She told me she wants to help her husband for some time to get a better position and of course to complete the raising of their kids and then to divorce, actually she told him that.[/FONT][/sIZE] [sIZE=3][FONT=Times New Roman] However, the last week she started reducing drastically the number of emails and there was “something” in the air when I met her a couple of days ago, she told me she spent another night with him, still she was talking about “us” in a “normal” way. However most of what I said was not answered in the "usual" way[/FONT][/sIZE] [FONT=Times New Roman][sIZE=3]I told her yesterday that I will have to leave the city to look for another place to live. She started to cry and begging me not to do that.[/sIZE][/FONT] [FONT=Times New Roman][sIZE=3]By know I am confused, sad, and I do not what to think. Is she slowly dumping me?, should I confront her?? Should I avoid her?[/sIZE][/FONT]
Spiderman Posted October 6, 2006 Posted October 6, 2006 My wife 8 years and mother of my 2 kids has been having an emotional and mildly physical affair for 3 months. I found her out and told her it had to end, so she phones him in my presence and ends it... supposedly. I know find out she has talked to him once in three weeks and she explains that she feels she needs to see him in person and then she woul be able to let him go. Do you quit smoking by having one more cigarette? This guy she's been seeing is not anyone that could fit into her future and she swears devotion to us again, but to want to see him to end it once and for all, is she fooling herself and trying to fool me? Or should I let her go and see this guy? I'd like to tell her to go see him and don't come back but I have my kids to think of. I could sure use some other points of view Thanks Wants to see him and end it once and for all!?! Don't kid yourself. I think you've earned the right to be calling the shots here.
2sunny Posted October 6, 2006 Posted October 6, 2006 My wife 8 years and mother of my 2 kids has been having an emotional and mildly physical affair for 3 months. Thanks How do you have a MILD physical affair? You are kidding yourself. She is not making the effort to put the marriage back together. Maybe you have not yet made her so uncomfortable that she will change her attitude. This is not your fault! It is hers to fix and as I see it - she isn't making enough effort for your behalf. Her effort and energy is still going to the other man.
Guest Posted October 6, 2006 Posted October 6, 2006 Wants to see him and end it once and for all!?! Don't kid yourself. I think you've earned the right to be calling the shots here. Call bulls**t on her and tell her it's not about what she want's. NC is NC. That menas never, ever, ever, ever again for any reason at all. Not even "hi". Personally, I think this whole thing is a lost cause from her attitude.
Spiderman Posted October 6, 2006 Posted October 6, 2006 This is not your fault! It is hers to fix and as I see it - she isn't making enough effort for your behalf. Her effort and energy is still going to the other man. I totally agree.
a4a Posted October 6, 2006 Posted October 6, 2006 Pack her bags for her and have them waiting outside the door, call the OM and set up a meeting for them...... send her on her way. She has zero remorse and is not done with this affair even after being caught.
shortnsassy Posted October 7, 2006 Posted October 7, 2006 My wife 8 years and mother of my 2 kids has been having an emotional and mildly physical affair for 3 months. I found her out and told her it had to end, so she phones him in my presence and ends it... supposedly. I know find out she has talked to him once in three weeks and she explains that she feels she needs to see him in person and then she woul be able to let him go. Do you quit smoking by having one more cigarette? This guy she's been seeing is not anyone that could fit into her future and she swears devotion to us again, but to want to see him to end it once and for all, is she fooling herself and trying to fool me? Or should I let her go and see this guy? I'd like to tell her to go see him and don't come back but I have my kids to think of. I could sure use some other points of view Thanks I think you should let her. she needs to do this alone. she needs to deal with in her own way. Then if you all want to try to save your marraige do so. but you got to trust her again and work together. If you dont it wont work with you all. When she steps out of that house and you are not with her. Please dont be accuseing her of things because if you do its going to put pressure on her. And my friend she will look again. But i alls say ways once affair is allways in affair. But if she wants you and only you . I say go for it and try. 3 months itsnt very long to have in affair. my friend i had in affair for 12 years my husband didnt find out. but i broke it off it just about killed me. it was a very emotional affair i love this man. but things was just complicated on both sides. So i didnt go away mad because we both understood. I'am not going to lie i still lovehim . i havent seen him for over a year now. every now in then i pass him by. but my friend i pretend i dont no him. So your wife affair isnt much to worry about if she is serious about bearking it off for good. {}signs are in affair is }... behavior changes, on the internet too much, looking at caller id, if she takes spells crying, listens to sad music, phone numbers you dont regonize, going out too much, you will no the signs because there are behavior patterns . i hope this helps. Good luck. please dont be too hard on her.
shortnsassy Posted October 7, 2006 Posted October 7, 2006 I think you should let her. she needs to do this alone. she needs to deal with in her own way. Then if you all want to try to save your marraige do so. but you got to trust her again and work together. If you dont it wont work with you all. When she steps out of that house and you are not with her. Please dont be accuseing her of things because if you do its going to put pressure on her. And my friend she will look again. But i alls say ways once affair is allways in affair. But if she wants you and only you . I say go for it and try. 3 months itsnt very long to have in affair. my friend i had in affair for 12 years my husband didnt find out. but i broke it off it just about killed me. it was a very emotional affair i love this man. but things was just complicated on both sides. So i didnt go away mad because we both understood. I'am not going to lie i still lovehim . i havent seen him for over a year now. every now in then i pass him by. but my friend i pretend i dont no him. So your wife affair isnt much to worry about if she is serious about bearking it off for good. {}signs are in affair is }... behavior changes, on the internet too much, looking at caller id, if she takes spells crying, listens to sad music, phone numbers you dont regonize, going out too much, you will no the signs because there are behavior patterns . i hope this helps. Good luck. please dont be too hard on her. Sometimes a women or man will go looking when they dont get it at home. SO feel each other needs.
Jane Doe Posted October 7, 2006 Posted October 7, 2006 is she fooling herself and trying to fool me? No, she's not fooling herself. She knows exactly what she's doing. She's trying to fool you. Do not let this happen. Or should I let her go and see this guy? Absolutely not. She'll only end up having "good-bye" sex with him, which will in turn start it all over again. Like someone else said, you've earned the right to call the shots. Don't be a coward. Lay down the law.
InaPanic Posted October 7, 2006 Posted October 7, 2006 as someone who is still getting over having had an affair & trying to get our marriage back..well...i don't know really what to say. I know it's very hard to give up OM because it is an addiction. And that's what he is to her. the fact she works with him must make it even harder for her. I think it's going to take her time away from him, NC, to get her head straight again. I went from being a totally devoted wife & a totally devoted mother to honestly caring only about the OM & getting my 'fix' from him. And my fix was the high i got from communicating with him. The loving things he said, the compliments (yes, all bull**** but i bought into it). And as with any addiction it takes time to get over it. I feel for you but can only relate to things from your wifes side & what she may be going thru. You cannot keep her on a leash perhaps. It may make her only resent you & her life. Yes, i may get hell for saying that. But if my husband had tried to put me on a leash, i could have lived with it for a very brief while & then i would have gone crazy. I couldn't have lived that way & neither could he. You have to try to rebuild your trust for her & if you cannot do it & if she cannot give up OM then it may be time for you both to move on. But try to give it some time. Good luck.
Flyin in Clouds Posted October 11, 2006 Posted October 11, 2006 Pack her bags for her and have them waiting outside the door, call the OM and set up a meeting for them...... send her on her way. She has zero remorse and is not done with this affair even after being caught. totally agree with a4a... a mild affair?
Sup Posted October 11, 2006 Posted October 11, 2006 You Need to Divorce this woman, and go for sole custody of your kids. No more chances, PERIOD!
wellwithitall Posted October 13, 2006 Posted October 13, 2006 I have to totally agree with everyone else. My H said that he needed to see the OW in person to end it, that he owed it to her. WOW owed it to HER???? I told him you know what you do what you need to do and I'll do what I need to do. I told him it made NO sense to have to see her unless he didn't to honestly break it off. If he intended to ended it he shouldn't have to see her and he owed her nothing it is me he should worry about. He ended up just ignoring her calls, text messages etc. Until she got the message and stopped trying to contact him.
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