PWSX3 Posted December 16, 2006 Posted December 16, 2006 I do have to say it's sad that things didn't work out for you because we all hope that a marriage will last forever, but they all don't and some are not meant to be or they just don't work out. I'm glad for you Lor because now you can start over (even though you kind of already have) with a new start on your life, but this time you understand it more and can have a lot bigger part in how things go. Good luck and I wish you the best.
Author Lor Posted February 16, 2007 Author Posted February 16, 2007 Hi all. Little by little I'm creeping back in here for a little while. Honestly, I'm so busy these days and coming on here takes a lot of time to read what's going on with people, its hard to keep up. Dgiirl ~ if you get to read this, I'm glad to hear you had a quiet, good V day ~ no one deserves it more. Ilmw ~ good to see you're still staying strong. Couldn't ask for more. to one and all ~ so glad to see so many doing better but still sorry to see so many more new ones on here. Main reason I'm posting ~ Anna said something to me that kind of freaked me out: Quote: I'm still with the same guy I met 5 months ago and he's even sweeter than I could ever imagine I'd get. Now I know what NICE guys really are..... arent they all like that when we first meet them LOL ... My H was like that for 12 -14 years before things started to go bad. I am so happy with the BF; how do I know it will last? How does anyone know? And how do you risk trying again, knowing it might fail? He and I have talked about the big M, sometimes kidding around, sometimes serious....nothing soon, and we may move in together sometime next year or the year after ~ talk about taking it slow! I told him the other day, "if we get married, there will be no divorce! We will work on any problems and we can get past anything. The one thing I can't handle is cheating. don't cheat on me and I won't cheat on you." He agreed totally and whole heartedly. Here is a guy who is out changing the tire on my truck, 5 deg out, 8 o'clock at night, when he had his own stuff he needed to be doing that night ~ we had to drive to his house (hour away) to get my jack from my son's car (long story), drive back to my truck, then he had to drive back home. He is so good to me, so sweet....... I'm honestly scared that somehow I will screw this up and he'll be gone. Yeah, *sigh* still some issues hanging on from past mistakes. but, back to initial question, how do you know????
PWSX3 Posted February 17, 2007 Posted February 17, 2007 I am so happy with the BF; how do I know it will last? How does anyone know? And how do you risk trying again, knowing it might fail? Here is a guy who is out changing the tire on my truck, 5 deg out, 8 o'clock at night, when he had his own stuff he needed to be doing that night ~ we had to drive to his house (hour away) to get my jack from my son's car (long story), drive back to my truck, then he had to drive back home. He is so good to me, so sweet....... I'm honestly scared that somehow I will screw this up and he'll be gone. Yeah, *sigh* still some issues hanging on from past mistakes. but, back to initial question, how do you know???? I know I'm fairly new at this but I would like to share my thoughts. Just like you said, know one knows what will happen, what we can do is; do the best "we" can do and that is all you can ask for. You have read it all over here, and it might have happened to you, but a relationship can't be just one sided so if your partner isn't welling to put in there 100% you have squat and it doesn't matter how hard you work I don't think it will work. As for trying again I feel if it feels right for you then you have to try, if you don't then you would always have that "what if" in the back of your mind and if you do try and it doesn't work then you could at least say I tried. What would be worse always wondering "what if forever" or having that chance of getting your heart broken? Yes it would be a tuff choice, but it is a choice. You also say; still some issues hanging on from past mistakes. Maybe those feelings are there to help you make a better decission or look at it in a different way then in the past. Everything we learn is just by trial and error and so what you did last time wasn't the right answer so now you use that and try something different this time. If I remember you are in the electrical business so my example is; if a electrician got shocked would he quit his job, or would he learn to be more careful the next time even though there is that same chance of getting shocked? Your new bf is a male, us guys are programmed to fix things & specially for people that we care for so he probably doesn't mind one bit helping him & I'm sure you are more then happy to thank him for his kindness. Make him his special pie, make his favorite meal, etc. You know us guys, the quickest way to our hearts is sex or food.:laugh:
dgiirl Posted February 17, 2007 Posted February 17, 2007 Hey Lor!! Glad to see you still lurking And even more happier to see things going strong between you and the new guy You're question can be answered very simply, you will never know. But what's the alternative? To NEVER try again? What kind of life is that? You have an opportunity to try again, go for it! This time you have better tools than the first time around. And you will pay more attention to the little details. I think a lot of us can honestly say that the reasons it didnt work out the first time is not because our spouses were completely horrible evil people, atleast not in the beginning But over time, we both stopped trying and took things for granted. Sure, the ending of the relationship might have been horrible, but I dont think it started out that way. If you put 100% into this relationship, then even if the relationship goes sour, you did not fail. All you can do is do your part, and let the other partner do his. And demand constant communication. You BOTH need to work very hard to maintain a successful relationship. That means communicating and listening. You both need to know and respect how each other deals with conflict. For instance, if one person needs breathing space to cool down after a conflict, then the other person needs to respect that and give them that time. However, if pulling away makes the other person feel abandoned, then there should be an agreement by both parties that after a set amount of cool down time, they both come back together to communicate. This way both people's needs are respected. The same thing goes for acts of kindness. You might not see the point in doing a certain act, but if it makes the other feel very valued, then making the sacrifice is good. Vice versa, if the need for an act of kindness makes one person feel very uncomfortable, then making a compromise for something else will be needed. And more importantly, trying to truely accept the other person as is. Always looking at your partner with the utmost respect and always treating them better then you would a stranger. It takes a lot of effort and constant commitment to the relationship. But if you are doing the best you can, you cant ask any more from yourself. We'll NEVER know how much time a person is meant to be in our lives. Some people are here for a season, some for a lifetime, but all with a reason for life lessons. Appreciate the time you do have, and learn from it.
Author Lor Posted February 17, 2007 Author Posted February 17, 2007 Thanks guys. Everything you say is so true and I know in my heart that if I don't try again, if I don't accept what is offered to me, I'll regret it the rest of my life. Just like everyone else, I get scared. Sometimes the thought is there of sinking another 10 years of my life into someone only to watch it fall apart again and its so hard to deal with it. I can give my all and watch it crumble into nothing. Its really really frightening to realize that you have to open yourself up to that kind of hurt again if you want the prize. Maybe its a good thing I still feel this way ~ keeps me on my toes. I'm not afraid of me not giving all, I'm afraid of him changing. He swears that he's been like this for 39 years and he's not gonna change now. That who he is now is who he's been and actually, he can't believe that I accept everything about him. I'm not saying I like everything he does or stands for but that's what keeps it interesting. Dgiirl, he gave me the kind of Valentine's Day that you and I have dreamed of; a card saying how much he loves me, with the words underlined by him, a pink and purple stuffed puppy and a huge Hershey's Kiss. He'd thought about letting me find them when I got home but didn't want to wait to see my reaction. I had tears in my eyes and couldn't say anything for about 10 minutes. I have never had a man do that for me before. I used to have to go out and buy my own Christmas present and birthdays? You can pretty much forget them, too. I'm not bragging ~ I'm amazed! I've always heard there were men like him out there but jeez, I never dated them. Cripes, I was lucky if half of them had their own car, let alone a job. Guess I'm afraid that I don't have the strength to deal with the hurt and pain of losing someone I love ~ again. Even if this is a whole different world, a totally different man. If I screw up and lose this one, or if he changes on me, its gonna hurt a million times worse than the X. *sigh* but I know I'll survive. Hope this place is still here in 10 years if it happens.
dgiirl Posted February 17, 2007 Posted February 17, 2007 Lor, I'm happy you both shared a great valentines day!! You deserve it You mentioned a few times about "screwing" up. I find that such a negative anxiety filled stressful term, and I cant imagine being happy while constantly fearing "screwing" up. Why do you use such a term? Why do you think you've screwed up in the past? Who's put that thought into your head? I have to ask if you've forgiven yourself for your past and if you show _yourself_ compassion for your mistakes? Mistakes are opportunities to learn, and I've learned much more about myself and life from the breakup of my marriage than anything else I've ever done in my life. And although painful, I am very grateful for this experience! One of the biggest lessons I've learned is that nothing is certain, there are no gaurantees, and instead of fearing and fighting that, I try to embrace that with every relationship I have. It's easier for me to say this now, and I'm sure if/when i'm in a romantic relationship, I will feel the same insecurities you are now, but the logical part of me wants to believe that I'll focus more on appreciating the time we have together, instead of fearing when/if it'll all end. Our thoughts generate energy that produces our reality. The karma we give out to the world comes back to us. If we're negative in thoughts, our reality becomes negative. If we're positive in thoughts, our reality becomes positive. If our thoughts are constantly worrying about screwing up, we'll screw up. Our focus becomes internal, and we wont be putting energy towards appreciating the present moment and showing appreciation to our loved ones. We often fear things we feel we have no control over. And it's true that you often dont have control over when/if a relationship ends, you DO have a plan of action of what to do in case it does happen. You KNOW you will survive if it ends. You KNOW what to do if it happens. You know the "unknown", so you dont need to keep fearing what might happen. You need to believe in yourself that things will be ok and let that fear go! One lesson i think is important TO take into your next relationship is to remember to keep some of your independence. It sounds like you are head over heals over this new guy, which is awesome But at the same time, it sounds like you're investing too much of yourself again. You feel you wont have the strength to deal with another breakup? If that's the case, then you need to get the strength! You get strength by investing yourself in multiple sources of happiness. If you are emotionally balanced with a social life, hobbies, family and lover, then if one of those areas start to have trouble, you can get strength from the other areas in your life. How are the other areas of your life going?
Trialbyfire Posted February 17, 2007 Posted February 17, 2007 Wow, congratulations! It's an amazing feeling when you can get rid of all the garbage someone else has put you through and come out of with such a positive attitude. Mad props to you.
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