dgiirl Posted October 3, 2006 Posted October 3, 2006 awesome lor I know how good it feels to actually get some type of "closure". I'm STILL waiting for mine to finalize. Courts take forever to process our documents. *sigh*
Author Lor Posted October 3, 2006 Author Posted October 3, 2006 Thx, D. I feel good about it.....and yet, still a little sad that 9 years with someone is over. but I'm celebrating tonight! Red Lobster, a dress, high heels and my new guy is gonna get dressed up too--he knocks my socks off in his dress clothes. after that, slip into some sweats, maybe some ice cream, watch Xmen 3 and cuddle.......does it get any better? Never had a guy who likes to only cuddle and hold my hand. Its better than chocolate.
Mz. Pixie Posted October 3, 2006 Posted October 3, 2006 Guess I came across as too happy for this place..... What? No congrats?!? Mz. P, why aren't you on here telling me I'm moving way too fast? LJ, any words of advice on how not to screw this one up? Gunny? Oh, c'mon Gunny, I know you have got something to say! Look, I'm not marrying the guy, don't even love him. Please, someone on here tell me your happy for me? Yeah, you might be moving a bit too fast. I hate to see you get hurt. But boy it is hard to stay away from someone who is making you happy! I know! You sound so happy and I think it's great. I hope you stick around LS though- so many people come, get help with their problems, and then leave!
Author Lor Posted October 3, 2006 Author Posted October 3, 2006 naw, you're stuck with me! seriously, if I can use half of my knowledge to help someone else who has to go thru the hell that we've all been thru, then its all been worth it. am I moving too fast? more than likely.... but D (the new guy) keeps kidding around saying "So you're still not gonna marry me?" and I keep replying "Nope." Had enough of that, for a looonnnnggggg time. I know people can make good M, but mine haven't worked out that way and so I'd rather live in sin than jinx a good thing.
Author Lor Posted October 4, 2006 Author Posted October 4, 2006 but I'm celebrating tonight! Red Lobster, a dress, high heels and my new guy is gonna get dressed up too--he knocks my socks off in his dress clothes. after that, slip into some sweats, maybe some ice cream, watch Xmen 3 and cuddle.......does it get any better? Never had a guy who likes to only cuddle and hold my hand. Its better than chocolate. Oh soooo close.....instead of Red Lobster it was a 4 star seafood restaurant, complete with suit jacket and wine! doors opened for me, ordered the wine for me, I had his complete and utter attention all night....and of course we laughed and talked the whole time. .....then the sweats, Xmen 3 and cuddling...only thing we skipped was the ice cream.... How the hell did I find such a perfect guy? :bunny:
Mz. Pixie Posted October 4, 2006 Posted October 4, 2006 How the hell did I find such a perfect guy? :bunny: Ummmm heck I don't know- unless they cloned my husband! I still marvel that I got so lucky!
Author Lor Posted October 4, 2006 Author Posted October 4, 2006 Mz.P if he's your H's clone then you've got a heck of a guy!!
Author Lor Posted October 4, 2006 Author Posted October 4, 2006 You know, as far as the possibility of me getting hurt, yeah, the chance is there. But I'd rather enjoy what I have now, open myself up to the enjoyment of it and not let what my H did in our M taint my life. I can let it dictate me and my actions, or I can dictate it myself. I spent too many years letting things build up and quit communicating--I won't ever do that again. So everything is out there and if I get hurt? well, I get hurt. he joy I have now is noticed by friends, family and I can't remember when I've been happier. going on one month now and all I see is more and more sides to him and every new one is better than the last.....
dgiirl Posted October 4, 2006 Posted October 4, 2006 Lor, sounds like you've got your head on straight. Yes, you might get hurt. But if you dont take the risk at all, you'll still be hurt from being lonely. You cannot let your past ruin your future, and when and if you are ready to take the chance again, then go right ahead. Of course, remain realistic about the situation, dont go elope or anything crazy like that. But if all you are doing is spending time with someone, by all means, do it and have fun with no regrets! hmmm can either of you two make a clone for me?
ilmw Posted October 4, 2006 Posted October 4, 2006 Hi Lor, Great to hear you are living well:) And have found some happiness. BTW... who stole my DNA and made copies of me... :lmao: :lmao: Just kidding.... enjoy yourself. ilmw
Author Lor Posted October 4, 2006 Author Posted October 4, 2006 ... who stole my DNA and made copies of me... :lmao: :lmao: ilmw D, sounds like the clone you want is right here in front of you....
dgiirl Posted October 4, 2006 Posted October 4, 2006 hmm interesting and he isnt too far from me either
Author Lor Posted October 4, 2006 Author Posted October 4, 2006 *music*...love is in the air.......*music*
anna13 Posted October 5, 2006 Posted October 5, 2006 It is so good to hear that life goes on because when you are in the thick of things like I am , I personally feel frozen and have no optomism for my future . I do know in my deepest depths of myself that if my husband and I do divorce , life will move on , not sure I will find anyone who will take on me with a toddler and a teen but it will move on . I am so happy that you are happy , I am so happy your not in pain anymore. your wiser for what you have been through. I wish I could just fast foward through all this pain i am feeling and wake up in a life I am happy about . sorry , you know , I'm one of those people still in the middle of all the seperation stuff . But seriously I am so happy that you survived and are happy now. .
Author Lor Posted October 6, 2006 Author Posted October 6, 2006 Anna, you will get there. We've all wished we could foresee when the pain would go away, and wish we could fast forward to get there. I'm so sorry you are having to experience the same things we've all gone thru--it hurts so much, we know. but the pain and heartache does lessen with time and you can't make it go any faster. Some reach the point faster, some--like me and Dgiirl take longer to heal. Learn from what has happened to you, take a good inner look at how you can make sure this will never happen again in another relationship, and don't take anything for granted. I don't know your story but what you need to do to help lessen the pain right now is to focus on yourself and on your kids. They are hurting, too, as I'm sure you know and its so hard to be strong in front of them. What makes it easier to deal with is to enjoy them and do things with them, even if its nothing more than renting a movie, making popcorn and doing nothing but sit on the couch together. They will help brighten your mood and outlook, and they can make you cry when they ask where Daddy is. But their love is always there and they need to know that you are a rock during all this and will love them just as unconditionally. As far as a future relationship being possible with a toddler and teenager; I have a 16 yr old, 8 yr old and 5 yr old, plus my oldest son's 17 yr old friend has moved in with us. And the guy I'm seeing is more than happy to date me knowing this--and he doesn't have any kids. They are out there so don't worry about that part of it. Its amazing to me how many good men there are in the world and that somehow we've lost site of them. My (step) Dad married my Mother with her having 7 kids ranging from 3 (me) up to 18, plus he had 2 kids of his own; they celebrated their 32nd wedding anniversary this year. He is either a saint or insane. I lean towards the saint part; he's always been there for us and for my Mom and we don't look at him as a step-parent--never have. And if there are men out there that can do that, there's some that will take on a single Mom with 2 kids. Thanks so much for your well wishes! I'm still on here posting because I want to help ease the way for others that have had to go thru the hell I've been thru. Listen to what they say to you on here and actually do it--that's the hardest part. There are so many insightful posters on here and you can learn a lot from them. And every now and then you read happy stuff on here, just not as much as we'd all like.
Author Lor Posted October 13, 2006 Author Posted October 13, 2006 ok, personal issue time.... My new guy came out to visit the kids and I last night. Its my week with the kids and I asked him to spend one evening of those weeks with us (no, not spend the night), since I can't easily go to see him when they are with me. We're an hour and 15 minutes away from each other but I work close to where he lives so its easier for me to see him than him to see me. Anyway.....my issue is this: he came over around 8 and stayed till a little after 11. And he text me when he got home to let me know he made it and it was about 12:30 when he got home....so now I'm feeling guilty that he came all that way just for a few hours and he's probably going to be exhausted today at work. It means so much to me that he's willing to come out to see me at my place and spend time but yet I don't want to be a burden to his life like that. What do I do? I know I should be happy that I found someone who is willing to make an effort towards me. Guess I'm not used to someone doing things for me.....and I hate feeling like a burden. My kids absolutely love him! Matter of fact, he ended up on the couch between my two little ones and I ended up on the other couch cuz they both wanted to sit next to him. and I've never had my kids help clean like that when they found out he was on his way; beds were made, toys picked up, floors were swept. All of them had to say goodnight to him and give him a hug~even my 8 yr old who I figured would have the hardest time with me dating. What if they are liking him too much and he can't handle it since he doesn't have kids? Am I worrying too much? Am I over-analyzing? What if he isn't interested in a ready-made family and walks away? I know these are concerns I need to bring up to him and I will.....I'm only looking for others' viewpoints and maybe help in trying to understand why I feel this way...not so much to look at his actions. He seems very real.....and I've never had a real guy in my life before.
dgiirl Posted October 13, 2006 Posted October 13, 2006 I dont know how your marriage was Lor, but I know for me, I was made to feel very often that I was too demanding and overreacting. And i saw myself carrying that with me into my next relationship. Just recently I broke it off with Pizza dude because after a few times of trying to get our schedules to match, I did not feel like I was a priority. I've been back a month now, and he hasnt been able to keep one single day free. If he couldnt get one single day in a month open, it's not going to go anywhere. I was extremely confused tho, and felt very very guilty, like maybe I was overreacting. He seemed interested. He'd call. He'd suggest days. He'd appologize. Etc. He was very charming, but based on actions, not words, there was very little effort. But after talking with several of my friends, they all asked me why I didnt leave sooner? I didnt trust my own feelings, and fell back into my married roll, feeling demanding and overreacting. The last thing I want to do is replay my marriage! So I have to stop the behaviours I did in my marriage. Listen, if you want something, then ask for it. And when you get it, enjoy it! Dont ruin the experience by feeling guilty. It negates asking for it in the first place, and negates HIS effort for giving it to you. If he doesnt want to do something, he should be a big boy and tell you. As for the kids, I dont have any, so I cant really offer any advice. But again, if he's not ready for your family and walks away, he'll walk away. There's no point in you worrying about that for him. Let HIM make up his own mind about whether he wants it or not. However, you do need to protect your kids. If your relationship is still in it's infancy and you dont see a future with one another, you need to make sure they dont get too attached. Most relationships, if they have no future, will break up within the first 6 months to a year. I always heard that it takes 6 months for a girl to know if she's in love, and 12 months for a guy to know. This is why most girl's end the relationship. Not sure if there's any truth to it, but it always made me realize that relationships are very fragile the first year and not get too attached too soon.
Author Lor Posted October 13, 2006 Author Posted October 13, 2006 You're right, D. He is a big boy and seems to know what he wants and will only do something if he wants to. Guess I'm looking a gift horse in the mouth. I'm used to being the "giver" and not a "taker" and that makes it harder to accept a gift. Maybe to him it didn't seem like much to come see me but to me it means a lot. I need to learn how to accept him doing things for me instead of feeling guilty. I am carrying my M over into this relationship and I need to learn how to view it differently. The cautiousness will take time, trusting again, but I gave all of myself to my M, and when I didn't get it return I became hurt and angry. I also came to never expect to get anything done for me; if I wanted it done or wanted something I needed to do it myself or it would never happen. So now I don't expect anything but when I get it or ask for something, it shocks me when I get it. And I'm still learning how to ask for things~it does not come natural at all. I've been thinking about how my kids are attaching themselves to the idea of him and yes, frankly, it worries me cuz if it doesn't work out they'll be hurt, too. He doesn't do anything to coddle up to them~he's only being himself around them and they are gravitating towards him because of it. This may come off as wrong, and it sounds wrong, but my kids are actually more relaxed around him than they are their own father........and they haven't been around him that much yet. Scary thing is that I could imagine a future....way in the future...with him, and I think he feels the same way but is being cautious also. Time will tell if it happens or not and I still feel like I never want to get married again. In the meantime, I'm gonna work on us now instead of waiting.....then if it doesn't happen, there won't be any hindsight feelings!! I'm sorry to hear about Pizza Dude but you're right~ if he can't make the effort for you now it will only get worse later on down the line. One of the guys I've talked to from the internet is a great guy, wonderful father, funny, handsome....but everytime I'd mention trying to get together he couldn't seem to find the time. But then, as soon as he found out I was dating someone he jumped up and said But I've asked you to do this with me and you couldn't make it. Hello? Where was I? Guess he had me confused with someone else. I had already figured out he was great friend material and that was it....too hard to nail down.
Kandi r Posted October 16, 2006 Posted October 16, 2006 Congrats !!! I am very happy for you. Glad to hear your getting back to your old self. I know it was not easy. Hey I am praying for the day to come towards me. Still I ache for him to let me come back. Also thanks for posting to my thread. I think ur the only one who did. I am smiling for you and that also helps me. Glad your on here I need support.
Author Lor Posted October 17, 2006 Author Posted October 17, 2006 Thanks Kandi! Time has healed a lot of my pain already, but it was me that made it happen and no one else. I'm lucky since I actually am happier now, with or without the new stud, than I've been my entire life. And its because I'm in control of it. And I went thru hell to get here but the pain honestly was worth it. I now know what I'm worth as a person, I see the admiration in men's eyes ~ sorry if it sounds conceited but it was something I've been told was always there but I never saw it at all. I was so lost in my poor me world for so many years and now I know that no matter what happens between me and the new guy, I'll survive on my own. D, when are you and ilmw finally gonna hook up? :bunny: the soap opera is killing me.......
dgiirl Posted October 18, 2006 Posted October 18, 2006 D, when are you and ilmw finally gonna hook up? :bunny: the soap opera is killing me....... lol alas, our romance is only a driveby highway romance... maybe next time he goes to california he'll wave faster lol
Author Lor Posted October 18, 2006 Author Posted October 18, 2006 lol alas, our romance is only a driveby highway romance... maybe next time he goes to california he'll wave faster lol those long distance relationships save you a lot in doctor's visits. I thought you two were close in area? c'mon you two, everyone needs to have an email penpal buddy! It adds such spice to life!
ilmw Posted October 18, 2006 Posted October 18, 2006 those long distance relationships save you a lot in doctor's visits. I thought you two were close in area? c'mon you two, everyone needs to have an email penpal buddy! It adds such spice to life! :lmao: :lmao: ... I totally missed all these shananigans... just found it... Didn't know I was getting so popular:laugh: .... ;) thx ladies....you realy cheered me up:) PS... My Big... "Hi Dgiirl" sign got blown of the roof of my car enroute to TO.. bloody cross wind on S/B hwy 400....haahahahah:lmao:
Author Lor Posted October 19, 2006 Author Posted October 19, 2006 I screwed up....BIG TIME. A guy I had emailed from the personals called me up for the first time last night and left me a voicemail inviting me and the BF to a comedy show he was going to be in this weekend ~ to give us tickets. I called him back, we talked for about an hour ~ he's very funny and sounded like he needed a friendly ear. I was still talking to him when and after I got to BF's house. This guy and all the guys I talk to online know I'm seeing someone. To make a long story short, when I got off the phone, BF didn't want me to touch him, didn't hardly want to talk to me, told me he wanted me to leave. He'd told me before he didn't have any problems with me emailing guys I've met online but he thought I was setting up a time to meet this guy. I said no, it was for the next time he does a show in town, to give us tickets to go, not just me. I told him I'm not his XWs ~ yes, plural ~ they both cheated on him. He said it raised a red flag about me. :( That he's not the guy for me. ???? Again, to make a long story short, I started to gather my things, then thought I don't want to give up quite this easy. I explained to him about the phone call, about the invite, asked him if he thought I was really that cruel to be making plans to meet another guy right in front of him! I said that the past month and a half must not have meant that much to him and he said it meant a lot, more than I could know. I told him I was thoughtless, inconsiderate, stupid, naive and..oh, anything else I could think of. I begged him to please give me a chance to show that I didn't mean it, that I wouldn't do it again, that I only hadn't been thinking. When he only sat there, I could tell he was debating whether to tell me to go or stay, I went to gather up more of my stuff ~ not working too fast on it ~ didn't want to go ~ wanted to work this out. Finally told him that it was his decision; if he wanted me to leave I would but that once I walked out the door I was never coming back, that was it. he came in, stood there for a minute and finally put his arms around me and nodded when I asked if I could please have another chance, that I was sorry, that I wasn't thinking. He's giving me his trust, a little bit, and I feel like I just took a huge step back in the possible relationship. It was my fault. Why do I have to be so stupid sometimes?!? :( We sat down on the floor, my phone had a message on it, I played it out loud ~ it was my son. Then it proceeded to play the saved messages on there ~ the first was from the guy online; he had me skip over that ~ didn't want to hear it. The next 6 messages on there were him calling me and the voicemails he left. I told him I keep them saved and play them when I really miss him and want to hear his voice. He had no idea. Now, the rest of the night he acted like everything was fine. I'm still in knots. This morning he's text me like nothing has changed, but I feel like it has somehow, like I broke his trust. I don't want to keep beating the dead horse over and over but in my mind I keep kicking myself and wondering if I just inadvertantly did severe damage to what we have had together. What do I do now? Pretend that nothing has happened, ignore that it happened? Keep kicking myself? What the hell do I do? God, I'm an idiot! I can't keep apologizing ~ its not healthy for me. Can anyone give me some insight? I've got a horrible raging headache this morning now.....
Gunny376 Posted October 19, 2006 Posted October 19, 2006 OH! HELL NO! HELL NO! Don't you dare fall back into that behavior pattern. You've been there, done that. Begging someone to be in and a part of your life is BS ~ either they do or they don't. Either their part of the soultion and not part of the problem, part of the answers and not part of the question ~ or they're not. If that's the case ~ then they shouldn't just be going ~ they should be gone. I personally wouldn't have personal issues with the particular instance cited ~ so much I would have problems with your being in contact with other men via any form. That is if we had a exclusive relationship, and 1-1/2 seems a little short to being getting into an exclusive relationship, but even if it gave the apperance of drifting into the serious relam. The issue is you the issue is his un-resolved in-securities stemming from his prevouce un-faithful relationships which sent up red flags for him, and which should be sending up red flags for you. Not every X-________________means that all men or women are bad. Other people can bring out the worse in us, just as they have the potential to bring out the best in us. MzP is an example,. while her and her XH mixed like oil and water, with her current husband they not only are compatiable ~ but compliment each other like sugar and cream. I'd back off on the contact with the other men, cancel going to the show, and you and him need to have some serious talks about how to be pro-active in not allowing either of your demons from relationships past raising their foul, ugly faces in your current one. The current one is a good one ~ I mean you'd have to be one evil woman to blantanly cheat right in front of him, and flaunt it in his face. He needs to give up the security blanket and his blinke and grow the Hell up.
Recommended Posts