CrushedOrgans Posted September 11, 2006 Posted September 11, 2006 . I would appericate if my condition was left out of this. yousaveme, i am sorry about your condition, but you're not the only one in the world who has cancer. what i said had absolutely nothing, zilch, zero to do with you, nor should it have made you think so, had you read the context i was using it in.
Adunaphel Posted September 11, 2006 Posted September 11, 2006 Not all OW/OM want their MM/MW to leave their marriages. Some are happy with the discreet relationships on the side. Some might not be so happy with it but they think it's all they can have - from a guy- or know it's all they can have from that specific guy. When you are very hungry, you'll take even crumbs. You'll pick them off the floor. When you have very strong cravings for a food, or a drug, sometimes you'll pick crumbs of it off the floor . Hell, you'll lick them off the floor. Even if the food is poisonous to you, and the floor is disgustingly dirty. I'm halfway between philosophical mood and self-pity party. Pay me no attention.
CrushedOrgans Posted September 11, 2006 Posted September 11, 2006 I'm halfway between philosophical mood and self-pity party. Pay me no attention. maybe that's when you need attention the most. sorry you're so down.
owcanbhppy Posted September 11, 2006 Posted September 11, 2006 sorry to tj here, but yousaveme, im very sensitive to the 'c' issue. ive sent you a special prayer.
BenThereDunThat Posted September 11, 2006 Posted September 11, 2006 dang, went away for an hour and look at all the posts! Crushed - I know you've always been respectful. I do admit to being gun-shy and having knee-jerk reactions. Sorry if I seemed pissy!
Adunaphel Posted September 11, 2006 Posted September 11, 2006 maybe that's when you need attention the most. sorry you're so down. Thank you, it's very nice of you. I'm actually not that bad. In the last couple of weeks I haven't been thinking about MM too much. And in the last months I've been making progresses: from being played by married jerks to being played by single nice guys. But I'm trying hard not to look at those crumbs again. Even kids from fairy tales don't pick them up, they just drop them to find their way home.
CrushedOrgans Posted September 11, 2006 Posted September 11, 2006 Thank you, it's very nice of you. But I'm trying hard not to look at those crumbs again. Even kids from fairy tales don't pick them up, they just drop them to find their way home. you're quite welcome. and yes you're right...but they did learn something from using those crumbs--they help you end up back where you're supposed to be. what's done can't be undone, so you might as well look at it like that. staying on the up-and-up and all that good, soul-searching stuff. easier said than done, i'm sure.
Guest Posted September 11, 2006 Posted September 11, 2006 Yeah, I'm back, the original poster. Lots of banter but very few, if any, willing to go there. I kind of figured that.
pricillia Posted September 11, 2006 Posted September 11, 2006 No, you don't necessarily have to be a BS or OW or OM or MM or MW to post here. But if you're not, why come here? I'm seriously asking. And sorry, but the question had a rhetoric, sarcastic ring to it. Not one who was actually looking for a "real" answer. And my comment about NC was a real answer. For me, I obviously am not letting him continue to be with me while he's still married. And if we seem defensive, why all the questions then? Especially if you're not one of the aforementioned. Been there... how is no contact going for you and how long has it been? what are some of the things that you have done to ensure no contact. I am asking because I am having a hard time with it myself I liked your answer about no contact but sometimes the OW don't want to hear that.. How are you doing with it?
GuestOW Posted September 12, 2006 Posted September 12, 2006 what i do have a problem with is a hypocrite who seems to want to tell me i have no business being where they think i don't belong , yet who places herself in someone else's marriage/life/world without wanting to be called out on it by anyone else. Forgive my ignorance, but should I have to worry about being called out on my lifestyle in this forum? And when the question is answered, and the answer challenged by someone not in the same type of situation, nevermind the SAME situation, this forum is no longer a safe place to talk about what is happening. It becomes a battleground. The OP's question was what we think the MM/MW reaction would be to us saying a non-intimate relationship only until they are separated/divorced. My answer to that is that each situation is different...beginning with the definition of 'non-intimate'. Does the OP mean non-physical? And does he/she mean no intercourse? Is hugging okay? Kissing? On the cheek okay but not on the lips? My MM is struggling to keep our EA non-physical though we had a sexual relationship in the past (when he was not with W). We are still (in my definition and his too) intimate. So I could say 'no sex' till he is available but that is our current situation, to truly get a reaction I would have to say NC. He would support that and support me in that decision. He loves me and would do what I asked however much it hurts him. And don't think for a minute that all of these men are "cake eaters", some are fighting an internal battle over what they want for themselves(OW) and what they believe is right for their families.
once removed Posted September 12, 2006 Posted September 12, 2006 How about this - why don't you tell your MM/MW that you really do love them, but that the relationship can only be non-intimate unil such time as they are legally separated/divorced from their spouse. What kind of a reaction do you think your MM/MW might have? LMAO I did just that and well lol he ended up taking on a r/l A and fell in love and now she gets him and me lol I get lots and lots of sit ups and a brand new possiblity of what will be for me going forward. I find it funny because he still says it should have been me he was with but he "loves" her. So I wish them both the best of luck and I move on.
BenThereDunThat Posted September 12, 2006 Posted September 12, 2006 Been there... how is no contact going for you and how long has it been? what are some of the things that you have done to ensure no contact. I am asking because I am having a hard time with it myself I liked your answer about no contact but sometimes the OW don't want to hear that.. How are you doing with it? Well, I'd be doing a lot better if I didn't have to see him at work every day. BUT - and the whole way home I couldn't wait to tell you guys this: Our department got the corporate suite for the baseball game tonight. About 9:00, I was ready to go home, which meant walking a good distance to my car. ExMM asked me "do you need me to walk you to your car?" Me: Nope! He asked me at least 3 times - are you SURE you don't need me to walk you to your car? NOPE, sure don't! (inside, I was dying for him to walk me to my car.) Once I got into my car, I was like Woo Hoo!!!! I did it!!! (yeah, I'm a dork) There were lots of things I did to not contact him. I downloaded mindless computer games that kept me occupied for hours at a time. I signed up for a class titled (I kid you not) "Creative Drawing For Those Who Can't Even Draw a Stick Figure" I just keep telling myself that I'm worth so much more, I deserve so much more. I don't know, it's hard to explain. I really do love him. But, I love myself MORE. Does that make sense?
BenThereDunThat Posted September 12, 2006 Posted September 12, 2006 Someone once asked me - "you know how wonderful it feels when you're wrapped up in his arms?" Yeah. ? "Imagine how much MORE wonderful that would feel if the man who has his arms around you were truly yours...."
once removed Posted September 12, 2006 Posted September 12, 2006 Someone once asked me - "you know how wonderful it feels when you're wrapped up in his arms?" Yeah. ? "Imagine how much MORE wonderful that would feel if the man who has his arms around you were truly yours...." no far bring tears to my eyes.../stomp not going to cry over the whole thing nope not now not ever. I knew what I went into. I learned I grew he we there when I needed him most. so how can I be sad that its time to move on? It hurts it sucks I want to beat my fist on his chest and so no MINE MINE MINE MINE. but I have to let him go with the same love and respect I've always shown him
BenThereDunThat Posted September 12, 2006 Posted September 12, 2006 no far bring tears to my eyes.../stomp not going to cry over the whole thing nope not now not ever. I knew what I went into. I learned I grew he we there when I needed him most. so how can I be sad that its time to move on? It hurts it sucks I want to beat my fist on his chest and so no MINE MINE MINE MINE. but I have to let him go with the same love and respect I've always shown him I'm sorry. I know it sucks. But it does get better. I promise.
CrushedOrgans Posted September 12, 2006 Posted September 12, 2006 Forgive my ignorance, but should I have to worry about being called out on my lifestyle in this forum? to be blunt, yes, you will deal with that here. and you're certain to deal with it if you do it first.
Guest Posted September 12, 2006 Posted September 12, 2006 OK, so you are involved with a married person and you think you are in love. It is such a nice fantasy perhaps seeing one day the two of you together forever. Fair enough. The complexities of the situation are obivous, and there has been more than enough banter and complaining on this board about when he/she is going to leave their spouse for me. How about this - why don't you tell your MM/MW that you really do love them, but that the relationship can only be non-intimate unil such time as they are legally separated/divorced from their spouse. What kind of a reaction do you think your MM/MW might have? Guest, I hope that you see this as an answer to your question. My initial involvement with my MM (now boyfriend) was strictly emotional. There wasn't any physical involvement, but there was definitely an emotional connection that could not be denied. When it got slightly physical we were already very much in love. I couldn't bring myself to be intimate with another man while he and I were both married and told him either we stop what we were doing with each other or we proceed to have a life together based on love and admiration for each other. We ended up leaving our spouses for each other. Because of how we handled each of our home situation, it didn't make for a very happy ending... did we see a future with each other the first time around? You betcha. Did we end up that way the first time around? No we didn't. It took 9 months of trying to give up hope and trying daily to move on in life (he going back to his W and my going back to my H) for us to realize how we've spent 9 months lying to ourselves. He is now back in my life after admitting that he did go home for his kids as I accused him of when we split up. He agreed with me that how he treated all those around him (me included) was wrong. My H and I were still having issues and he and his W were on the same boat. My H approached me with separating and with great sadness, I knew it was over. My H knew I loved him but I wasn't in love with him anymore. His W approached him with an ultimatum to change who he is as a person in order to stay married to her. He decided that he loved himself as he is and that there is someone in the world who loves him as he is (me) to stay in a marriage and be someone he's not. We did not become intimate with each other until he and I were separated. I hope that I've answered your question. However, I don't think you've answered some of the questions posed by other OWs or former OWs. Why the interest? What's your story?
CrushedOrgans Posted September 13, 2006 Posted September 13, 2006 However, I don't think you've answered some of the questions posed by other OWs or former OWs. Why the interest? What's your story? actually, they asked me that, not the OP. and i did answer. good post, by the way.
once removed Posted September 13, 2006 Posted September 13, 2006 I'm sorry. I know it sucks. But it does get better. I promise. My ego got the rush of the year today, I not only had one cute guy hit on me but 3 different guys. I was smiling a mile. Granted one is married (stay away) One I work with (bad ideal) the third total stranger lol but a bit young. But yum my ego needed that bust.
lovernotafighter Posted September 13, 2006 Posted September 13, 2006 OK, so you are involved with a married person and you think you are in love. It is such a nice fantasy perhaps seeing one day the two of you together forever. Fair enough. The complexities of the situation are obivous, and there has been more than enough banter and complaining on this board about when he/she is going to leave their spouse for me. How about this - why don't you tell your MM/MW that you really do love them, but that the relationship can only be non-intimate unil such time as they are legally separated/divorced from their spouse. What kind of a reaction do you think your MM/MW might have? my MM begged me to just be his friend..he doesn't care if we have sex or not..and it's true because I cause all the sex to happen generally. however I told him I couldn't just be his friend and he isn't getting a divorce so whats there to say to you guest..most people on this board are going through NC with MM/MW thats why they are here..for support to leave 'em.
Meaplus3 Posted September 13, 2006 Posted September 13, 2006 OK, so you are involved with a married person and you think you are in love. It is such a nice fantasy perhaps seeing one day the two of you together forever. Fair enough. The complexities of the situation are obivous, and there has been more than enough banter and complaining on this board about when he/she is going to leave their spouse for me. How about this - why don't you tell your MM/MW that you really do love them, but that the relationship can only be non-intimate unil such time as they are legally separated/divorced from their spouse. What kind of a reaction do you think your MM/MW might have? This is an interesting question! In my case the MM I have been involved with has been in the for "The excitement" only so I am sure that if I said to him NO contact until we were both sep or divorced he would call the whole thing off, because he has NO intentions of leaving his wife. I also made the sore mistake of telling him that I am in love with him to only NOT hear it back. I am not so sure I answered your question, just my 2 cents here.
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