Wierd cell phone issue with wife

[ThumbingMyWay]

OK. So things have been going well for the most part. Wife and I seem to be getting alonb just fine.

 

BUT….we had an episode this past weekend.

 

 

For the most part, I hardly ever check her cell phone, cant remember the last time I did.

 

Anysway, we were camping with 20 other people, close friends and family this past weekend. Were having a great time too. Then Friday night, my wife had a little too much to drink. At some point someone asked were my wife was. I look around, she wasn’t in the tent with the kids, so I came back to camp fire. Then someone said, I think she went to the bathroom, so I walked over to the bathroom quietly. I stood there and listened outside the door for a few seconds and I did not hear anyone in there. So I called out her name. Then I heard a “click” and a “yeah I am here”. She came out within seconds.

 

Now for what ever reason, I said, who were you on the phone with? I asked that because I heard the phone click shut after I called out her name. She said she was talking to her friend. I said, I didn’t hear you talking since I was right outside, so let me see the phone then. Don’t know why I asked, but I just felt weird so I asked. She said, NO, I aint showing you my phone. I said, give me your phone. She said no I was talking to so and so I dont need to show you. I said prove it, she said, no. We walked back to the campsite arguing the whole way…with her being adamant about not sowing me the phone saying things like, its been 2 years, you should trust me now, cant we just move on….I cant believe you think I am still talking to OM….etc etc….

 

So I didn’t want to keep arguing so I left it at that. We get back and she heads to the tent for a second or too, then come back over to where I was standing. She comes over saying, here is my phone, see see, I was talking to so and so, see see…as she is holding it and scrolling thru the recent calls. I said , OK….OK…I see it.

 

The next day we talked about it. She said she got angry that I demanded to see the phone. I said, it seemed weird that I did not hear her talking in the bathroom, but she closed her phone and said she just got off with a friend, then she was so secretive about not showing me. I said, how do I know you didn’t go over to the tent, delete the last call, then show me the previous call list???? I said that seemed odd. She claims se was in a mood and got angry and didn’t think she had to show me anymore. I said, hey….10 years from now, if I ask to see you phone, you will show it too me without questions. I tiold her we need complete honesty. If she had nothing to hide, then she would have showed me the phone right away to prove she wasn’t doing anything worng!!!! right?

 

I mean, all she had to do, was say here, see the last call. BUT SHE DIDN’T DO THAT. She separated from me for a few minutes…before she showed me the phone.

 

 

I talked to her again this morning about it. Her stance was I was in a mood (period week), was drunk and it pissed me off that you still have to questions me. I said, hey, your ACTIONS triggered me to question you. I said, you say 10,000 times that you did nothing woring, but you did not back it up with action,,,,by proving to me to see the phone.

 

 

She appoliged and said she would not do that again. I told her….this was a prime example to SHOW and PROVE trust….even after 2 years.

 

It still doesn’t sit right with me. But I am wondering if its just insecurity and triggers that are making me have that gut feeling of hhmmmm…what was that about.

 

I dunno…was I over reacting….and was her angry was simple anger from being questioned out of the blue even after 2 years????? or was it anger because she had something to hide??

 

I don’t want this to eat at me today. But it was just weird…..it was silent in the bathroom….I call her name and the phone clicks shut?? and she says she was talking to friend, but I was right outside the door and herad no one talking?????,,,then she don’t want to show me the phone….its just weird to me.

 

so its either she was checking voice mail?

 

texting?

 

or she just didn’t shut the phone after she finished talking to friend???? and everything she said was the truth.

 

Still don’t understand why she had such an angry issue with showing me the phone???...then showed me later after we were separated for a minute or 2.

 

She hasnt showed any wierd signs since thennn....ya know like she is guilty of something. Plus the fact that she is really doing well and so are we. and she says....do you really think i would cheat again after putting all this effort it to fixing what I screwed up. I mean she does have a point....its just what happended with the phone thing triggered me into thinking waht ifs again.....aarrgggghhh

 

what do you think?

[Mz. Pixie]

Seeing this thread made my stomach sink............

 

I don't know TMW- this would make me suspicious. Especially that she wouldn't show it to you right away- and only showed it later after she would have had a chance to delete.

 

Don't freak out but keep your guard up. Be aware.

[CrushedOrgans]

 

I don't know TMW- this would make me suspicious. Especially that she wouldn't show it to you right away- and only showed it later after she would have had a chance to delete.

 

 

absolutely.

 

i'm not the "those who have nothing to hide, hide nothing" type; i don't think everything is always someone else's business. i don't cheat, i don't steal, i don't kill, but i do like my privacy. i derseve this privacy because i don't have anything to hide.

 

that being said, i do think "those who have nothing to hide, hide nothing" does apply to your wife, given the situation.

 

it was 2 years ago, sure, and she probably is sick of questions and having to prove herself, sure. but she has to. and she should have no problems showing you what she was doing, even if it was followed by a smug comment like "see, jerk? i was telling the truth." instead she fought with you, scampered off, changed some things and made it look like she was trying to help you out. please.

 

i am not a "once a cheater, always a cheater" believe either, but i do think that proven cheaters who are given a second chance need to realize they may be held up to scrutiny once in a while--and that they have no one to blame but themselves. it might mean having their work cut out for them, but hello... if you want to save a relationship you almost destroyed, it should be nothing at all to do what is asked, as long as it's reasonable.

 

i would let it go for a little bit and see what else you notice. if she thinks you're checking on her too carefully, she'll be better at hiding it. she's obviously not willing to be totally up front with you, so you might have to do some searching (of whatever kind) on your own.

[serial muse]

hi TMW.

 

are you able to check her cell phone records?

[bluetuesday]

hey TMW.

 

yes, i would be suspicious. she owes you honesty. if she wouldn't show you her phone i regrettably suspect there is a reason that's more than 'i shouldn't have to'.

 

i also don't believe 'once a cheater...', but i DO believe that those who think cheating is acceptable once, think cheating is acceptable twice, even if they don't physically do it again. i don't think being caught changes a cheating character, it just makes the risk not worth it in the future. or not.

 

she was willing to work at the relationship and that's great you guys are still together and giving it a damned fine go. but because the trust that was so badly broken before, i believe she owes you reassurance on the very rare occasions you seek it.

 

as pixie said, don't freak out. but you have a feeling, a hunch, and now you have an action you're not happy with too. keep your radar sharp. being cautious won't hurt you if there's genuinely nothing to find - and it may help you a great deal if there is.

 

have a hug. (((((TMW)))))

[ThumbingMyWay]

no I dont have access to cell records. Hers and my phone are under her name...would not know where to even start to find the rcords.

 

Plus...I dont want to have to keep my gaurd up. But this instanst is just giving me some anxiety again. it just doens seem right.

 

 

Think i will ask her again to explain HOW she can be talking to someone, but I didnt hear her voice while she was in the bathroom....nor did I hear anything while i was walking to the bathroom...it was dark and quiet and if she was talking I would have been able to hear her.

 

I duunno..the way I am...i will worry about this. arrrggggg.

 

I need logical explanations. I need a time line....what I really needed was to see the phone the minute I asked to see it...but that cant happen now.

 

I am a very logical person....the phone she has, you CLOSE to hang up...well, ok, you could hit the end button and leave it open...but most people close the phone. I dont see why she would end a call and leave it open...only to close it the secoend she heard my voice???? Then say she was talking to someone.....but I didnt hear her talking....it just doenst add up ya know???

 

BUT also the logic in me says.....WHY WOULD SHE BE TEXTING THE OM...after 2 years...unless there is still something going on...there are NO signs since 2 years ago when her affair ended.

 

OR...if there is someone else now???? She was such a good liar before....arrggg..I hate feeling this way.

 

I will talk to her again tonight and ask for explaination to my exact question of...I heard no one talking, but you closed the phone after you heard me outside. Explain that to me.....I will also ask for her to get a detailed copy of all calls on that day. I know what time it was, and I know the last call she DID show me...so if she will agree to do that...then it should not be an issue and I can move on from this.

 

Sorry....but I dont like nor trust her explaination of being angry and not showung me because she said i should trust her....it just doset add up.

 

BUT she is a fiesty stubborn woman...maybe she is telling the truth.....she just doenst like to still be quesitoned????

[tanbark813]

Posts like this are a good example of why I think you should just part ways permanently if a SO cheats. Even if she's completely innocent and never cheats again, you're always going to have episodes like this.

 

As for the current situation, people generally get defensive when they have a reason. And this:

 

and she says....do you really think i would cheat again after putting all this effort it to fixing what I screwed up

 

...is a bad sign, IMHO. I think it's important to note that she didn't actually say she wouldn't cheat on you, she just asked if you think she would. Technically, she could be cheating and there's still nothing false or invalid about what she asked.

[blind_otter]

 

BUT she is a fiesty stubborn woman...maybe she is telling the truth.....she just doenst like to still be quesitoned????

 

That's a lame excuse, TMW.

 

I'm feisty and stubborn, but I admitted in the beginning of this year that I am an alcoholic and addict. So if I had a bottle of liquor in my fridge, hell yeah I would have to answer for it. And when you're a recovering addict (I find many startling comparisons between the feelings described by OW/OM and addicts at AA.....) the point of coming clean is to move forward with the knowledge that you could be questioned at any point, and that you could backslide at any point. She should be OK with this because regardless of how much time has passed, the longterm damage to your marriage has already been done.....

[bluetuesday]

TMW - gut instinct is a great tool. use it. you KNOW when something is not right. so ask to see whatever it is that will put your mind at rest. as i said, she owes you.

 

she could have just been listening on the phone. maybe the person at the other end had to answer the door so there was a long pause. there COULD be an explanation why you didn't hear her talking that is a genuine.

 

but that doesn't explain why she wouldn't show you the phone.

 

you said she can't be cheating because there are no signs. were there signs last time? because logically, if she is a good liar as you say she is, you can't use that to judge this situation.

 

on the other hand, there could be an explanation. she could have been planning something for your birthday. i don't know, something innocent that she wanted to hide from you. discount ALL of these possibilities first, then see what you're left with.

 

but i agree with tan that getting defensive wasn't a good sign.

 

the point is, are you willing to be married to someone who makes you doubt her? whether she's actually cheating or not?

[CrushedOrgans]

 

 

BUT also the logic in me says.....WHY WOULD SHE BE TEXTING THE OM...after 2 years...unless there is still something going on...there are NO signs since 2 years ago when her affair ended.

 

 

who said it had to be him? who said it has to be anything to do with cheating. the point is, she is acting questionably, and it's cause for you to wonder about her because of her past behavior. she is being dishonest, or at the very least she is acting shady. even if she has no reason to act shady, she shouldn't be stupid. she knows what you are going to think.

 

if she was just a feisty, stubborn woman, she wouldn't have shown you the phone at all afterward, even after changing it.

[Buttaflyy]

no I dont have access to cell records. Hers and my phone are under her name...would not know where to even start to find the rcords.

 

If she really wanted to put this behind you... She could show you the phone records. As long as you remember the time this took place there is your answer.

 

BTW, I am as stuborn as they come, but I also like to prove my point when it's valid. I would have just shown the phone to prove my case. Especially with the relationship at risk. She needs to be more assuring of your security if this is going to work.

[Guest]

I think she's so full of crap her eye's are deep brown. Call bull***** and ask for the cell records. I hope they show both incoming and outgoing calls. You'll have to check. It sounds like she's already used up her ration of bull***** in the past. Leaving you for a minute or two and showing you after doesn't count. Sorry for her luck. I'm assuming you remeber the date and time? Then you'll get the real story. I'm guessing you're going to get another temper tantrum as she tries to distract you from the real issue. Who was she on the phone with that dark and stormy night?

[Adunaphel]

I would be suspicious, too.

It sounds like she had something to hide.

Yet there are people that would get upset if you asked to see their phone because they have privacy issues (no matter whether they cheated on you in the past). I know some of them. (and no, I don't get why they act this way)

 

If you didn't hear her talking, she might have been texting.

 

Perhaps she had something to hide that was not directly related to her ex OM - could it have been something stupid, like her telling a friend of her something highly embarassing, or texting to a friend that you were an ass (you know, the kind of stupid things people do when drunk), or calling someone else you don't like much.

 

Or she could have been prank calling OM(or anyone else) -I mean, the kind of stupid things you do when drunk and partying. (I know otherwise mature people who do that). Calling, and hanging up. calling, saying something idiotic, hanging up.

Prank calling or drunk dialing OM wouldn't be as bad as if she had kept in touch with him, would it?

 

Anyway, I do agree with the other posters who said that she should show you the record.

 

I do really hope it turns out to be nothing you should worry about.

[ThumbingMyWay]

OK….I have been on LS long enough to know that a majority of responses will be of the doom and gloom approach....the worst case so to speak.

 

 

I want to believe her. I realy do. And the last year has been really good for us. And she has really changed a lot. But….given the fact that I am on the BS side of the affair….things will ALWAYS be under a microscope.

 

I am not going to TRY to get overwhelmed with this.

 

 

BUT, I did just talk to her and …..not to go into details…..

 

I am going to believe that she was talking to her friend. She said she don’t know why she still had her phone open…maybe she was going to call her friend back after she finished. She admits she was a lot drunk and in a PMS mood. She was angry that she is still under the microscope. When we got back to camp, she went to the tent to check the kids….at that time, she thought F-it…I will show him…and that’s when she came back to show me the recent calls. I was drinking too mind you…

 

She got really sad and cried on the phone. She says she wouldn’t cheat again. She wants me and the kids and she doesn’t understand WHY I would question her, that I still have doubt…she just wants to move on and not have doubt anymore.….given the fact that things have been reaaly good lately…and they have….its just like I said to her….

 

I could have 10,000 good moments in a row…over the next 5 years….but that ONE action or response that is questionable or uneasy to me comes next….drives me right to doubt…..will that EVER go away???

 

Anyway….I told her I believe her….BUT…I want her to get a detailed list of all calls made that day. She agreed and said she has nothing to worry about because it will only show her friends number at that time of night. I said, good, then it will show that I am the jerk for asking. She said I am not a jerk.

 

SO….given the fact that she will get the list of calls and show me….honestly….if she did have something to hide….woudl she agree to get detailed list? OR would she had gotten defensive again?

 

Cause the list wont lie….and if she was lying….wouldnt she be worry about me seeing th list.? She said she wants to prove this…not just for me….but for her.

 

 

TO ALL THE WAYWARD SPOUSES OUT THERE….

 

you will never ever understand the thoughts that go thru a betrayed spouses head….NEVER….it sux to be on this side of the fence. I don’t like feeling this way or even having to think the way I think…..but us BS’s are not the ones who made it this way…..the WS did…thanks!!!!

[Buttaflyy]

Good. Glad it worked out and you are satisfied with your answers. Hope you find some peace As I said before, it would be plenty helpful with the call history to prove her case. In a situation like yours it will be hard to be trustful and small things like this will be magnified for a while. Hopefully one day you can regain full trust in your wife and your marriage.

 

I wish you the best!

 

 

(BTW I don't think the majority of your responses here were of the doom and gloom nature Most of us were agreeing that like you, we'd be suspicious.)

[blind_otter]

It's called a "trigger", TMW.

 

You learn all about them if you are diagnosed with PTSD. You went through a traumatic experience. Coupled with the drinking, her suspicious behavior put you back in that place that you were at, mentally and emotionally, when everything went down.

 

Keep reminding yourself that you are here, now, and I see that you trust your wife. Good, that is a good foundation. But go easy on yourself. You need to explain to your W that as much as you want to trust her and believe her, sometimes things can trigger an emotional flood, especially when she behaves secretively or cops an attitude about privacy issues like this. Maybe she will be more understanding if you let her in to your thought process and the way things snowballed in your head.

[tanbark813]

SO….given the fact that she will get the list of calls and show me….honestly….if she did have something to hide….woudl she agree to get detailed list? OR would she had gotten defensive again?

 

Cause the list wont lie….and if she was lying….wouldnt she be worry about me seeing th list.? She said she wants to prove this…not just for me….but for her.

 

Whether or not she follows through with her promise is going to be a big sign. If she were dumb and had something to hide, I would think she would get defensive again.

 

If she's clever and has something to hide, she might agree to this but later say she changed her mind and try to turn things around by saying that, once she agreed, then you should have told her that she didn't really have to follow through with it and you just wanted her to agree to it.

 

And then finally, she could follow through and really have nothing to hide. I think going back on her promise though, if that were to happen, would be a red flag.

[ThumbingMyWay]

It's called a "trigger", TMW.

 

You learn all about them if you are diagnosed with PTSD. You went through a traumatic experience. Coupled with the drinking, her suspicious behavior put you back in that place that you were at, mentally and emotionally, when everything went down.

 

Keep reminding yourself that you are here, now, and I see that you trust your wife. Good, that is a good foundation. But go easy on yourself. You need to explain to your W that as much as you want to trust her and believe her, sometimes things can trigger an emotional flood, especially when she behaves secretively or cops an attitude about privacy issues like this. Maybe she will be more understanding if you let her in to your thought process and the way things snowballed in your head.

 

I know all about triggers.....it can be very overwhelming at times.....they are few and far between now....but this one hti me hard.

 

I just wish she could UNDERSTAND WHY I feel the way I feel. its like i have no control over my brain activity and i cant help but think worst case.

 

For all i know....I am blowing all this out of proportion and she just does not understand WHY I am not believing her....like WTF is wrong with you...this is the truth, you know you are telling the truth....but they still dont belive you....yeah, that would make me angry too.

 

either way...its out in the open now.....i couldnt keep it in...I had to question this again.

[Guest]

Does she have speakerphone. I have speakerphone and I'll get a call, answer it, lay it down, finish the conversation and close the phone when I'm finished with what I'm doing. If the other person hangs up, it ends the call.

[ThumbingMyWay]

Whether or not she follows through with her promise is going to be a big sign. If she were dumb and had something to hide, I would think she would get defensive again.

 

If she's clever and has something to hide, she might agree to this but later say she changed her mind and try to turn things around by saying that, once she agreed, then you should have told her that she didn't really have to follow through with it and you just wanted her to agree to it.

 

And then finally, she could follow through and really have nothing to hide. I think going back on her promise though, if that were to happen, would be a red flag.

 

 

welll.....she called the cell company. We dont have detailed billing, but she can add it free of charge, which she did and she will show me monthly statements from now on.

 

NOW....she also asked if they could get her the detail from the past 30 days, and they said NO since they didnt have detailed on the account. but they can start now.

 

SO.....my brain can go two ways now....she is telling the truth....or she is lying...again....

 

F**UK I hate this....feeling.....

[tanbark813]

welll.....she called the cell company. We dont have detailed billing, but she can add it free of charge, which she did and she will show me monthly statements from now on.

 

NOW....she also asked if they could get her the detail from the past 30 days, and they said NO since they didnt have detailed on the account. but they can start now.

 

SO.....my brain can go two ways now....she is telling the truth....or she is lying...again....

 

F**UK I hate this....feeling.....

 

Hmmm. Well, not to call your wife a liar, but I've been with Cingular, AT&T Wireless, and then Cingular once they bought AT&T and of the 2 or 3 plans I've had I never had to request detailed billing. Every bill I've ever received lists every incoming and outgoing call and text message. How would they know what to charge you unless they kept track of every call?

[Guest]

OM or not, I still think she was hiding something. Could be something, could be nothing. Remember to check that list, and don't forget, there's texting too. If you want to let it blow over, by all means let it blow over. It's your life, relationship, and responsibility. You should certainly handle it as you see fit. Best of luck!

[JamesM]

I would lean towards the "she is innocent" side. And I am of the very suspicious type. Since you can think of nothing else in the past few weeks/months to confirm your uneasiness, then I would assume the best. On the other hand, keep this incident tucked away for future reference.

 

So she added detailed billing now. This will not affect her call right? So, now she knows she has to call OM another way. Just had to throw that in. No, it probably isn't anything...I still lean towards the innocent side....for now.

 

BTW, you won't be able to get any info if she doesn't authorise it if her name is on the phone. If you want openess, have her put your name on the same account.

 

Hang in there. Assume the best. Watch for the worst...but it is probably just a "trigger."

[CrushedOrgans]

Hmmm. Well, not to call your wife a liar, but I've been with Cingular, AT&T Wireless, and then Cingular once they bought AT&T and of the 2 or 3 plans I've had I never had to request detailed billing. Every bill I've ever received lists every incoming and outgoing call and text message. How would they know what to charge you unless they kept track of every call?

 

um...yeah...then how would you know if you were being overcharged, or charged for calls you didn't make? even online they show you the list.

 

i'm all for trust, tmw, but she's shady as hell. maybe you should do the calling yourself, i wouldn't take her word for it. or for much else. sorry.

[ThumbingMyWay]

ya know what....I do beliefve she is telling the truth....

 

 

the issue I think I am having...and that is pushing me to think worst case is...

 

the angry, defiant, dont tell me what to do attitude.

 

i just got off the phone with her and told her she HAS to drop the attitude, especially when she is drnking and she needs to drop the f-ing pride....

 

She feels like after 2 years, i should at least trust her now....she wants this to all be in the past. And honestly.....we have really done well...and she has sauid this too...we really have....

 

she is just a stubborn pridefull person and still somewhat selfish at times...and its not helping her or our marriage...and I told her so.

 

Its a circular argument really.

 

Its starts with this kind of behaviour, (wierd behaviour, rudness while drinking, not being forthcoming)....on her part....which cause me to question her which cause me to pull away and withdrawal from her....which this action (me second guessing her) casue her to get angry and pull away from me....round and round...

 

so she ask how do we fix this. I told her to check the attitude and drop the pride pronto...

 

i dont think people truely understand how devastating pride can be....