amazing boyfriend is selfish in bed

[sourgirl]

my boyfriend and i have been living together for a year and a half and have a wonderful relationship. we are best friends and are very dedicated to each other - what lacks is in the sex department. despite the fact that he admits it's wrong, he behaves like sex is all about him. when he's done, it's done, regardless of my needs.

 

we have talked rationally and fought hard about it many times, probably once a month since i moved in (we never had this problem during the year and a half we dated before that). he admits that he's selfish, that he's wrong and that he will try to be more thoughtful in the future, and every time we talk about it he is better for a week or two... then it's right back to the same old thing - he finishes and i'm left hanging.

 

i've tried lots of things to excite him about exciting me - i'm very vocal about how great he is and how great he makes me feel, but it doesn't seem to make a difference. i used to try to get him to consider me in the equation - guiding his hands, whispering dirty things into his ear - but at a certain point i'm so insulted that it's not worth it anymore, nothing could get me worked up again.

 

i'm at a complete loss as to what to do... we had the problem again yesterday morning, i felt so pathetic for believing that we were over it. i started it, we were so passionate... i thought for sure it was going to end well - but just like in the past it was over when he came and that was that. it makes me feel so used... i feel like i can't initiate sex anymore, but my drive is way more than his and i don't want to sit around and wait for him to want it. to want me...

 

i love my boyfriend and he loves me, this is not an issue - so what can i do to help this situation? am i doomed to always be left unsatisfied? am i a horrible person for making this out to be a bigger issue than it is? i know we're lucky to have each other, maybe i should find peace in that and try to forget about the rest of it... but then i feel like it's chipping away at my self-esteem and some day there may be none left... it affects way more than our sex life - i think it's affecting me as a person...

 

i'd love to hear what you think - i need to find a way to fix this... it makes me so sad.

[serial muse]

you're not making it out to be bigger than it is - it's a big issue. i totally understand why you'd be upset.

 

but i'm not clear, from your post, about what reasons he gives for rolling over and going to sleep instead of making sure you're satisfied. you said he acknowledges that it's not okay, but why does he do it, according to him?

 

assuming that it's biological (gets incredibly sleepy post-coital) rather than psychological (fundamentally selfish, or has aversion to satisfying you, or so on and so forth)...perhaps the thing for the both of you to do is to focus on you coming first, rather than him?

[sourgirl]

but i'm not clear, from your post, about what reasons he gives for rolling over and going to sleep instead of making sure you're satisfied. you said he acknowledges that it's not okay, but why does he do it, according to him?

 

aside from that...perhaps the thing to do is make sure you come first, rather than him?

 

 

he says that the reason he's selfish is because he isn't interested in sex barely at all. until of course i come onto him and make sure that he gets all worked up, then he's into it - but his interest dissapears the second he comes. he knows how hurtful it is, when i cry about it he hugs me and tells me everything will be okay, that we'll figure it out, but here we are again...

 

i wish i could find a way to make sure i come first, while he's into it - but i can't force him to go down on me, and he just doesn't last long enough for me to come from intercourse alone.

 

this whole situation is so humiliating... sometimes when he gets deffensive he says he's not interested in sex because he's not as attracted to me as he used to be, but i don't believe that, i think it's something he tells himself so that it's not his problem - i can't imagine it's easy to believe that you are a bad lover. well, he's not bad, he's actually great - when he performs...

 

we've talked about it to death, and the problem won't go away. i've asked him to see a counselor with me and he's adament that he won't go - he would rather break up than go. he must feel like i'm attacking his manhood or something, he gets so deffensive... but i feel like less of a woman, and it's killing me.

 

guh - what a pathetic situation. he's so amazing in so many ways...

[norajane]

perhaps the thing for the both of you to do is to focus on you coming first, rather than him?

 

That's the best plan if a guy isn't able to stay interested after he comes. He makes her come through oral, manually, with a vibe, etc., (maybe even more than once!), and then he gets his.

 

How can you believe he is your best friend if he won't even try to do this for you?

 

Maybe you can get your point across by masturbating in bed next to him when he rolls over. Get your vibe out and satisfy yourself!

 

I would take this very seriously. If he can't be anything other than selfish when it comes to your sex life, eventually, you will lose the intimacy in your relationship, lose the good will and you'll fall out of love with him.

[norajane]

he says that the reason he's selfish is because he isn't interested in sex barely at all.

 

Is he on anti-depressants? That can kill a person's sex drive. Other medications? Is he having problems getting or maintaining an erection?

 

but i can't force him to go down on me, and he just doesn't last long enough for me to come from intercourse alone.

Did he used to go down on you? When did that change?

Maybe you could get a small vibe that you could use on your clit during intercourse...

[sourgirl]

Is he on anti-depressants? That can kill a person's sex drive. Other medications? Is he having problems getting or maintaining an erection?

 

 

Did he used to go down on you? When did that change?

Maybe you could get a small vibe that you could use on your clit during intercourse...

 

he's not on any medication and doesn't have any physical problems - he gets and maintains erections just fine. i had to admint that i almost wish it was physical...

 

he used to go down on me all of the time, back before we lived together. i used to think he was the best lover i ever had because he made me feel so special, so wanted... it all changed when i moved in...

 

i'm thinking that taking things into my own hands is a good step, pull out my vibrator if he rolls over to go to sleep, or even while we're having sex. if i can bring myself to do it... i used to be very confident sexually, but that's long gone.

 

i told him last night that i was really sad that i had to keep telling him things like "it hurts my feelings when you get me all excited and then it's over when you cum with no regard for my needs", that he should want to make me happy, especially after all this time, all these talks and fights. he said he'd make it up to me tonight but that scares the crap out of me - i don't want pity sex. maybe it's childish, but if i have to beg him, then i don't want it anymore. i just want him to want to please me... i need him to want to please me.

[serial muse]

i must admit, i'm at a loss as to why he'd rather break up than go to counseling with you about something that so obviously deeply troubles you and makes you very unhappy. this doesn't make him sound very amazing, sourgirl. at least not as far as caring about your feelings.

 

he says he's uninterested in sex; does he still masturbate?

 

the fact that he says, when defensive, that he's less attracted to you than before concerns me. that sounds like what he says when he lets his guard down - which seems significant. i can't help but wonder if he's afraid of counseling because of this. but some change has to happen; it's not okay to go on like this when you're so unhappy about it.

[sourgirl]

he says he's uninterested in sex; does he still masturbate?

 

the fact that he says, when defensive, that he's less attracted to you than before concerns me. that sounds like what he says when he lets his guard down - which seems significant. i can't help but wonder if he's afraid of counseling because of this. but some change has to happen; it's not okay to go on like this when you're so unhappy about it.

 

i've been checking the history on his web browser - i know that's very uncool, but i'm desperate to know what's going on in his head and i thought that might help - he visits porn site on a very regular basis. i asked him what was up with that, cuz i felt like he was substituting me with porn and he said that just because he looks at it, doesn't mean he masturbates to it. i'm not a guy, so i can't be sure - but i highly doubt that's the case.

 

a few weeks ago he told me that he started downloading lesbian porn to help him get excited about women getting off, and he said it was working. i guess he thought that this would make me happy, that he was trying, but all it did was depress me more... that he had to watch lesbian porn to want to please me.

 

i'm not fatter or uglier or slimmer or more beautiful than i was when we met, i have no different habits except that i've quit smoking cigarettes and pot - two things that i would think would make me more attractive. it is all so bizarre to me, i never thought i would have this kind of problem.

[Walk]

Question: Have you noticed a difference in any other aspects of your relationship? Like.. did he normally bring you gifts, but hasn't since you moved in? Did he used to bring you a drink when he got his own, but doesnt' any more? Stuff like that? Monetarily or action wise?

 

I was with a guy for a long time who really did poorly in attempting to meet my sexual needs. Part of that was a physical problem, part mine. But we were able to comprimise enough to hobble along through the relationship. But the way you are describing your relationship, it doesn't sound as if your bf even wants to comprimise. He's saying he wants to... but there's no follow through. How freaking hard would it be for him to use the masturbator on you until you came and then he could do his thing? Or to go down on you first?

 

I'd be pissed if I were in your shoes.

 

And I think, for my own sanity, I would stop having sex with him for a while. It seems to be causing you more resentment and animosity then it's worth right now. Are there areas of the relationship he's unhappy with (other than sex)? Do you fight about other things? Is there something that is causing him to feel less desirable about meeting your needs?

 

In my experience, when someone becomes selfish (if they aren't normally that way) then it's usually due to feeling like their needs aren't being met. Could this be a possibility at all? Has he suggested anything that may lead you to believe he's unhappy about another area of your relationship?

 

Just wondering...

[DarkShadows]

---he behaves like sex is all about him. when he's done, it's done, regardless of my needs---

 

Most men are like that. No offense to the men. But usually once a man has 'cummed' he wants to role over and sleep. I have experienced this several times, where my boyfriend got off before I was ever satisfied, Whether it be inside me or in my mouth (sorry for the visual effects here) and I was upset, questioned him and he said to me, "Once a man has cummed he general is finished. He doesn't want to be touched or kissed or be bothered he just wants to sleep." So now, he makes sure I am satisfied before he finishes unless I say, no just finish.

 

But sometimes even I understand and feel like that. Like if I get off, sometimes I just want to roll over and just relax, I don't want intercourse, because it is a good feeling and I don't want to ruin it. Not that intercourse doesn't feel good! But I'm sure anyone who has had an orgasm can relate to this.

 

Hmm, I would suggest masterbating before he has intercourse with you, while he is next to you. He might join in. If not, hey you'll still get off. Be a little naughty.

 

If you're hestitant on stuff like that, then I'm not sure. If you're comfortable with him I'm sure you can succumb to your shyness and do it anyways. Gets more comfortable the more you do it in front of your SO.

 

Just my two cents.

[sourgirl]

Question: Have you noticed a difference in any other aspects of your relationship? Like.. did he normally bring you gifts, but hasn't since you moved in? Did he used to bring you a drink when he got his own, but doesnt' any more? Stuff like that? Monetarily or action wise?

 

strangely, i can't think of anything else that has changed (for the bad) in our relationship since i moved in. he still buys me flowers every couple of months, and does other random nice things like picking up strawberries or making me coffee or cereal. he sends me text messages to say he loves me sometimes, even from another room in the same apartment. he's snuggly and cuddly like he's always been, he's very playful and if anything i'd say that aside from the sex, everything just keeps getting better.

 

that said, you are probably right, there is probably something that's bothering him...

 

try this on for size - would it make sense that he's unhappy with himself and that might be causing his low libido? he's had the same job for five years and hates it, his band isn't gigging as much as they used to and he barely even plays guitar anymore (when i used to never be able to pry it from his hands), his friends are cool but they're all homebodies now so they rarely go out except to play poker and he hates gambling. he wants to quit smoking, both cigarettes and pot, but he can't seem to do it. he also wants to be more active so he can get in better shape, he plays squash, tennis, baseball in the summer, and hockey in the winter - but regardless of how active he is, he never really loses or gains weight. maybe if he was happier with himself then he would be happier in general, and with me?

 

i don't want to remove all the blame from myself, but i feel like that could be a possibility...

[sourgirl]

Most men are like that. No offense to the men. But usually once a man has 'cummed' he wants to role over and sleep. I have experienced this several times, where my boyfriend got off before I was ever satisfied, Whether it be inside me or in my mouth (sorry for the visual effects here) and I was upset, questioned him and he said to me, "Once a man has cummed he general is finished. He doesn't want to be touched or kissed or be bothered he just wants to sleep." So now, he makes sure I am satisfied before he finishes unless I say, no just finish.

 

...

Hmm, I would suggest masterbating before he has intercourse with you, while he is next to you. He might join in. If not, hey you'll still get off. Be a little naughty.

 

i am SO happy to hear that someone else has encountered this!

 

i'm seeing a theme of "make sure you orgasm before he does" and i think this is the solution, at least for starters. i mean, if we're having a quickie before work i don't expect the works - i'm happy that we're intimate and the thrill of a quickie is often enough. but during full-on passionate drawn out sessions, yes, this is a solution that i like. and i think i can regain the confidence to make it happen.

 

i think what's so difficult for me is that i've never encountered anything like this - maybe i've been really lucky, but all the guys i've been with have been very generous and very giving in the sex department and it's been more of a struggle to keep them away than to keep them interested. i used to think i was all adventurous and up for anything - but this situation has been so crushing that i lost my edge - instead of waiting for him naked after work i find myself wearing big sweatshirts and covering myself in a blanket while watching tv on the couch cuz at least if i don't put it out there then i can't be rejected.

 

thank you guys for talking me through this today, i was in rough shape this morning and now i feel worlds better. i feel comfortable that i'm not overreacting, and also comfortable that there is hope. as a new member, i have to say what a great forum this is. there are some things that you just can't talk about with your friends or family, for whatever reason, and this was exactly the help i needed. awwww, i sound like an after-school special

[Fun2BMe]

It's amazing how your experience describes exactly what I am currently going through. Whereas you fight about it with your bf all the time, my problem is that I haven't been so vocal. He is all about himself and getting off, leaving me hanging. He also is into web porn, another similarity with your bf.

 

I am thinking of flat out telling him that we can remain best of friends but that because I can be with one partner sexually, and he is neglecting my sexual needs, I will turn to someone else for sex, and we can continue with our "relationship' minus the part where I am the one getting him off, he can find someone else to do that for him. I have had it. I hate selfish people like the plague.

 

And your bf is full if sh** to give you the excuse it's because his sex drive is low and since you are initiating the sex, it's almost like a favor he participates and so you have no reason to be upset if he doesn't return the favor. What an asss. Stop initiating all together so when he finally initiates, that will mean he will have to get you off based on his argument and when he doesn't you'll see his excuse is nothing but garbage.

[Walk]

try this on for size - would it make sense that he's unhappy with himself and that might be causing his low libido? he's had the same job for five years and hates it, his band isn't gigging as much as they used to and he barely even plays guitar anymore (when i used to never be able to pry it from his hands), his friends are cool but they're all homebodies now so they rarely go out except to play poker and he hates gambling. he wants to quit smoking, both cigarettes and pot, but he can't seem to do it. he also wants to be more active so he can get in better shape, he plays squash, tennis, baseball in the summer, and hockey in the winter - but regardless of how active he is, he never really loses or gains weight. maybe if he was happier with himself then he would be happier in general, and with me?

 

i don't want to remove all the blame from myself, but i feel like that could be a possibility...

 

I think if you combine all this together it could lead to a form of depression. Plus cause him to feel like he's not.. well. like, not a man. That he's no longer top of his world and shooting upward.. but stagnating and going down hill. It'd kill my libidio if I were in his shoes. So this could be a very real contributing aspect.

 

Plus, if he isn't having a high sex drive, he may subconciously be linking this to being less of a man too. Since a lot of men I've known have linked high sex drives to being the "man's man". So maybe the lowered sex drive is also making him feel worse about himself. Kind of cycling downward?

 

Oh, and I've actually only had one guy my entire life who was willing to get me off after he came. 1 guy out of many. I guess they figure when the rod goes down, they're down for the night too. All the rest would comprimise by allowing me to come first, but only one was willing to "help me out" if he came first.

[nicki]

Hey, how about this?

 

Next time HE initiates sex (don't you go and do it right now), why don't you just stop halfway through, before he cums.

 

And roll away from him, as you tell him that you "are done." Give him some of the lame ass lines he gives you.

 

Tell him you just feel "finished." You'll "work on it."

 

He needs some major incentive to change this. And change it he can. Stop letting him cum. He doesn't let you cum. So it's fair.

 

By the way, most guys want to make a woman orgasm. It makes them feel like a man.

 

Some of the guys I've dated have the philosophy of "ladies first." Some make sure they take care of business after. Either way, it's all good.

 

Your guy is not being fair, or caring about you. You don't owe him reciprocity quite yet.

[Marielle]

Same thing here...but with a twist: He skips the foreplay, I mean he does HIS version of foreplay: Kisses pasionately, starts touching my butt, my breasts here and there, like a quick skan...a couple of kisses down there (not like working on one thing, or multitasking for a while) it's like an obligation that last 60 seconds. Then he sticks it in...another 10 min...."come baby come" he moans (means his about to come) so I feel rushed and end up faking.

THIS IS pathetic!!!! I m pissed. Not only he's selfish, he comes fast and blames it on me: "I can t help it, your to hot to resist" lollllllll

And I did tell him quite diplomatically without hurting him, but he seems to disregarded

[DarkShadows]

Oh faking is not a good idea...

 

I wouldn't do it. I've never done it with my current boyfriend. He could be eating me out for hours and I just don't get off. Nothing he did, feels wonderful, just everyone's body is like that. You can't make your body get off if it doesn't want too. You can be incredibly horny and be masterbating with the worlds quickest vibrator and still not get off. I have explained this to him so he doesn't feel hurt when he asks "Did you get off yet?"

 

I say if I have or haven't. If I haven't I try to say something to not make him feel less of a man, like "That was wonderful baby but my ***** is yearning for your ...." Or something, I don't know. I've experienced the same with him, but only twice when he was completely wasted. :x

 

This happens to everyone, nothing to be ashamed about or the other person shouldn't feel less about themselves. It's not the persons fault, it's the bodies fault and we can't control what happens...

 

Women masterbate! Just masterbate beside your SO and if he joins in he joins in if he doesn't then somethings wrong with him. LOL... If your SO is trying but he isn't trying "hard enough" and you're not going *Baby stay down there I want to cum in yoru mouth" Or some bs then they won't know what is going on in your head and will think they are doing everything perfectly. Communication is the key..... in the bedroom...

[sourgirl]

i wish i had some news today, since he was supposed to make it up to me last night - but instead he cut himself pretty bad on a broken glass while doing dishes and we spend the night in the hospital getting him stitched up. not super sexy, but it made me forget completely about our little(big?) problem.

 

we decided that tonight we're gonna order in and watch a movie or something, i'm optimistic that we can have a mature, adult conversation about the topic at hand and can come(punny) to an agreement about how to move forward with this.

 

p.s.

i also agree that faking is not the best idea, i completely understand why people do it - as i've done it with a couple guys in the past - but in a committed relationship i think that we need to be honest about what's going on, or else we'll just end up resenting the other person for something they don't even know about.

[DarkShadows]

I faked it with my ex's only because I felt bored and felt no connection. But with my current one, I don't feel like that at all. I want sex with him all the time I want the closeness the naked bodies up against each other. I love the way he looks at me after he's done. I don't know, it feels just so good with him, not just the sex but all the feelings combined, just wonderful.

[orangele]

I did not see anyone mention the fact that when we are talking about vaginal sex, that women, in general, simply are more difficult, and take longer to reach climax. Thus some people may take the perspective that this is not fair, that men have to work harder to make a woman climax, than a woman has to work to make a man climax.

 

I have personally had a similar issue with my GF but is a bit more complex. I being a man, have difficulty reaching climax through vaginal sex in a way that brings her to climax. She requires vaginal sex pretty rapid and hard, which I can do, but leaves me unable to climax, since I get overstimulated. I can climax through vaginal sex, but need to do it slow and gentle, but this leaves her unsatisfied. As a compromise, I have attempted to orally bring her to climax, but this is difficult as well, and find my tongue often totally exhausted after about 700 strokes (yes I have counted). She has tried to bring me to climax orally, and has complained that her mouth is too tired after about 5o strokes. My next move is to get a vibrator, and hopefully she can develop a bit more oral stamina.

[Fun2BMe]

I did not see anyone mention the fact that when we are talking about vaginal sex, that women, in general, simply are more difficult, and take longer to reach climax.

 

I've never read of the explanation for the purpose of this. Maybe women are designed to have multiple male partners to fulfill them sexually since men climax in about 10 seconds and women can last at least 10 minutes to over an hour. Men feel threatened by this and retaliate by themselves having multiple female partners and making women believe they only need one man. Also, greater chance to get impregnated that way since many men have defective or low count sperm. My theory. So maybe back in the day women would pick 10 men for the night and one after another they'd have sex with her until she climaxed.

[sockpuppet]

I've never read of the explanation for the purpose of this. Maybe women are designed to have multiple male partners to fulfill them sexually since men climax in about 10 seconds and women can last at least 10 minutes to over an hour. Men feel threatened by this and retaliate by themselves having multiple female partners and making women believe they only need one man. Also, greater chance to get impregnated that way since many men have defective or low count sperm. My theory. So maybe back in the day women would pick 10 men for the night and one after another they'd have sex with her until she climaxed.

 

I think lasting under 10 seconds classifies one as a premature ejaculator...I know I never go that quick.

 

Not many women have vaginal orgasms through normal sex, clitoral ones are easier. My girlfriend gets off everytime now with me clitorally, we've yet to achieve a vaginal one though.

[nicki]

oh, it can be found. I have one word for you: G-Spot. Hit the spot (right behind the pubic bone, towards the front of the body.) That's how you make a vaginal orgasm happen.

 

It can be stimulated in many positions: woman on top, guy on top (but move up so you are higher up on her pubic bone), from behind.....so many choices, so little time....

 

I know you all know this stuff. I just like thinking about it.

 

Back to the poster, I hope your boyfriend takes the time to figure out what a G-Spot is, and where it is.

[sockpuppet]

Actually a G-spot orgasm is different from a vaginal orgasm

[nicki]

No, it's not different. It's the same thing.

 

The G-Spot is located in the vagina, therefore it triggers a vaginal orgasm.