luvtoto Posted September 11, 2006 Posted September 11, 2006 Hello everyone. I just started dating this wonderful man and we are hitting things off. We are trying to take things slow, but he's already met my kids, I've met his. I've met his mom and next weekend I am meeting his sister and husband. This is the makings of a promising future. He lives 10 minutes away from me, and he has two jobs, a nice car, AWESOME kids that are the same age as mine. I've never seen two exremely well behaved kids in my life!, he's been single for three years so he is ready for a relationship. His x-wife has remarried and has a new family now. He is also VERY open about his feelings , is understanding and compassionate. Now, I don't know where this relationship is going, but I've been around enough that we got something worth holding onto! He tells me all the time that he thinks he must be dreaming to have me. BUT, he told me that after his divorce he decided to move in with his mom. His dad died five years ago, and his mom doesn't like to live alone. Soooo...does that mean when and *if* we decide to get married will she need to live with us? Will we need to live in her house with her? If I tell him "Uh! uh!" will I be considered the worst person in the world? I don't go into relationships blindly anymore. I admit that I play a little of the what if game. His mom is also not a very good housekeeper. No way in hell would I ever want to live in her house, under her house rules. Ew! UH UH! Do I just wait till the moment in our lives when we want to merge? or should I ask him now about it? Is this rude? Am I shallow? Can you relate to this issue? How would you handle things? Am I just the coldest person out there? I feel like I need to know before I progress things with him. I am the type of person that thrives on my privacy.
DeeBrod83 Posted September 11, 2006 Posted September 11, 2006 I would say talk to him about it? Is there another option for this? Could you include maybe an inlaw suite on your house? So she has her own space but she's close? I wouldn't get into a full blown relationship if this is a deal-breaker for either of you. I'd say your best bet is to bring it up casually, but to get your point across.
Author luvtoto Posted September 11, 2006 Author Posted September 11, 2006 I would say talk to him about it? Is there another option for this? Could you include maybe an inlaw suite on your house? So she has her own space but she's close? I wouldn't get into a full blown relationship if this is a deal-breaker for either of you. I'd say your best bet is to bring it up casually, but to get your point across. Yes, DeeBrod, this would be a deal breaker for me. But, oh man, we have soo much chemistry! Also, we have already talked very seriously about our future. Just don't know how to bring this up. Got any specific ideas on approaching him about this?
Hitman10000 Posted September 11, 2006 Posted September 11, 2006 The living situation with his mom should be considered a deal breaker. If you're okay with it then go for it. My cousin, his wife, and his child all live with his parents side of the family in one house. They're very family oriented, if he's that way and you're not there could be a problem. I'm not family oriented so the thing I would do is shoo my mother away somewhere else, not being cruel but this is ME. And even though you got some baggage (children) and you may have less chance of hooking up with more eligible bachelors, focus on what makes you happy and I get the feeling that living in the same household as his mother.. the only woman that he trusts over you, the only woman who trusts him more than any other men. You feel that little competition, yeah.. you do. So dump him if you must.
DeeBrod83 Posted September 11, 2006 Posted September 11, 2006 Hmm... a way to approach it.... Maybe start a discussion on what kind of place you'd both like to live, and mention how many bedrooms it'd have (making sure it's just enough for you two and the kids) and see what kind of reaction you get. I think if you've seriously discussed the future, than discussing possible future living arrangements isn't too far out there. Sometimes simple converstations just lend themselves to these much needed bigger discussions.
Author luvtoto Posted September 11, 2006 Author Posted September 11, 2006 The living situation with his mom should be considered a deal breaker. If you're okay with it then go for it. My cousin, his wife, and his child all live with his parents side of the family in one house. They're very family oriented, if he's that way and you're not there could be a problem. I'm not family oriented so the thing I would do is shoo my mother away somewhere else, not being cruel but this is ME. And even though you got some baggage (children) and you may have less chance of hooking up with more eligible bachelors, focus on what makes you happy and I get the feeling that living in the same household as his mother.. the only woman that he trusts over you, the only woman who trusts him more than any other men. You feel that little competition, yeah.. you do. So dump him if you must. Thanks, Hitman. You made some valid points. Well, I need to talk to him first before deciding to dump him. I don't think that house would be big enough for all of us anyways. Who knows what he's thinking and how do I approach him about it NICELY and respectfully?
superconductor Posted September 11, 2006 Posted September 11, 2006 If his mother is in poor health, then I can certainly understand why he'd want to be around to take care of her. If he's insistent on having her under the same roof, and you two decide to move in together, you'll have to establish some very firm ground rules immediately. As well, there are lots of house designs that come with in-law suites, complete with their own entrance, facilities, etc. That may be an option. Seems a shame that there's this one big hurdle, though, especially after everything else seems to be going so well.
blind_otter Posted September 11, 2006 Posted September 11, 2006 Maybe you could introduce the topic of conversation like, "Do you ever see a time when you wouldn't be living with your mom? And have you guys planned what you will do when that time comes?" sorta thing.
norajane Posted September 11, 2006 Posted September 11, 2006 His moving in with his mom probably seemed like a good idea back then after his divorce, and made sense for them then, but you don't need to assume he would insist that you move in with her too. If it's his mother's house, his mom might not even want you all there crowding her space!! You said you just started seeing him, so I don't know that you need to bring this up right away. But if things are serious, then you could bring it up by asking if he would consider moving into YOUR house if you ended up together, or if he thought you'd need to find a house to buy together...leave the mom option out. If he says he'd need to accommodate his mother, then yes, there are plenty of home options out there - duplexes, in-law quarters, etc. - that make it easy to help care for her without being in each other's hair all the time.
Author luvtoto Posted September 11, 2006 Author Posted September 11, 2006 If his mother is in poor health, then I can certainly understand why he'd want to be around to take care of her. If he's insistent on having her under the same roof, and you two decide to move in together, you'll have to establish some very firm ground rules immediately. As well, there are lots of house designs that come with in-law suites, complete with their own entrance, facilities, etc. That may be an option. Seems a shame that there's this one big hurdle, though, especially after everything else seems to be going so well. Superconductor, thanks for your advice. To put things into perspective...his mother is probably healthier than all of us put together. The only reason he told me he was living with her was out of convenience for him and that she didn't like to live alone... or she couldn't live alone. I know it sounds stupid to think it's would be a deal breaker...but, trust me...I know my limitations and having two women as head-of-a-household would not work. I do not have the personality for that, and would never be able to be myself in the house. I've tried to live with in-laws before and you couldn't pay me to experience that again. We have been able to talk about anything & everything so far...and I will try Blind_Otter's approach if we get to talking about things. I've never had a man be so open with me before. I am SURE we can work this out.
Author luvtoto Posted September 11, 2006 Author Posted September 11, 2006 His moving in with his mom probably seemed like a good idea back then after his divorce, and made sense for them then, but you don't need to assume he would insist that you move in with her too. That's what he said...I will try not to assume. Just wanna ask him and get it over with! If it's his mother's house, his mom might not even want you all there crowding her space!! Haha! Never thought about it that way. You said you just started seeing him, so I don't know that you need to bring this up right away. But if things are serious, then you could bring it up by asking if he would consider moving into YOUR house if you ended up together, or if he thought you'd need to find a house to buy together...leave the mom option out. Yes, things are getting serious fast! He's the one moving things along really fast. He already had me meet his kids, mother, and next weekend his sister. We are exactly what each other is looking for. I would love to find a house together and start fresh. I don't think it's realistic to move someone into someone else's territory.
Author luvtoto Posted September 12, 2006 Author Posted September 12, 2006 Thanks for giving me the nerve to approach him about this topic, everyone. I first asked him if he had any must have's in a partner. He said, "well, I wanted someone that was a good parent, someone that doesn't like drama, someone who is upfront and honest..." I said, "well, then I need to ask you something and I hope it doesn't cross any boundaries." I then phrased my questions like Blind_Otter suggested. He was very impressed with my open and honest question. He is at a point in his life where he doesn't want to waste any more time being with the wrong woman. He feels it is important for us both to be as honest as we can be with our feelings and needs. His answer to me? He told me that living with his mom is not a necessity. But, having that special someone in his life to love is... Aww.... Well, LS friends, I think I've FINALLY found him after four veeery looong years of being alone.
alphamale Posted September 12, 2006 Posted September 12, 2006 Soooo...does that mean when and *if* we decide to get married will she need to live with us? yes, it does... Do I just wait till the moment in our lives when we want to merge? or should I ask him now about it? You would only ask him about it if and when you both start talking seriously about marriage and/or get engaged. Whichever comes first. Mainly becuase if you two never even get to that stage then the question would be moot.
nice1_hurting Posted September 12, 2006 Posted September 12, 2006 He's got 2 jobs, right? Can't he hire a full-time care giver for his mom?
alphamale Posted September 12, 2006 Posted September 12, 2006 He's got 2 jobs, right? Can't he hire a full-time care giver for his mom? maybe one job is at mcdonalds and the other at taco hell
superconductor Posted September 12, 2006 Posted September 12, 2006 Well, LS friends, I think I've FINALLY found him after four veeery looong years of being alone. Congrats, LT! (guess this means that you and I aren't gonna work out then, duzzit? )
Author luvtoto Posted September 12, 2006 Author Posted September 12, 2006 yes, it does... You would only ask him about it if and when you both start talking seriously about marriage and/or get engaged. Whichever comes first. Mainly becuase if you two never even get to that stage then the question would be moot. Not every guy out there is committment-phobic. We talk about marriage all the time.
blind_otter Posted September 12, 2006 Posted September 12, 2006 Thanks for giving me the nerve to approach him about this topic, everyone. I first asked him if he had any must have's in a partner. He said, "well, I wanted someone that was a good parent, someone that doesn't like drama, someone who is upfront and honest..." I said, "well, then I need to ask you something and I hope it doesn't cross any boundaries." I then phrased my questions like Blind_Otter suggested. ...... Well, LS friends, I think I've FINALLY found him after four veeery looong years of being alone. Yeah woman! That's what I'm talkin' bout!
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