Update...Yikes...

[DarkShadows]

Ok, so I figured I would come back and let everyone know how my little 'dance' went. I guess.

 

Well I told him for 3 nights in a row I have a surprise for him... I was turned down all 3 nights.. he didn't know what I was going to do.. So I felt like, well, wtf am I doing this for if he's going to turn me down constantly. He knew he was getting sex though but didn't know about the dances :x

 

He has diabetes so most of the time he isn't feeling good, which is another reason why we don't have as much sex as I would like to have.

 

Anyways, the dance went great. He was grabbing and touching and smiling and enjoying every bit of it. He said he thought that was sweet that I did that for him. But it didn't go as quite as I had planned. I didn't want all the touching. I wanted it to be a proper 'lap dance.' No touching on his part, but I couldn't resist so..

 

Anyways afterwards I said to him, tomorrow I will give you a proper one, and he just laughed and said ok. Saying nothing was wrong with the way I did it. He loved it.

 

But the next night runs around and I said ok baby, time for your dance. And he blew me off saying "I don't want to over do this yadda yadda." I said I have only done it once for you.. How would I overdo it by doing it twice? He said do it every once in awile.

 

So at this point, I know I am reading into it wrong, but I feel sort of rejected. I really did enjoy it. And I really want to do it more often, but he seems not as into as I would have thought. I even said to him "What guy wouldn't like getting a lap dance everyday or once a week." His response was "Please don't start a fight."

 

I don't really get him. He doesn't seem as sexual as most guys. I don't know if it because of his diabetes, or what. But it's weirding me out. Like I could start rubbing him or touching myself and try to get him to bed but he always turns me down and says "Later."

 

The night I did the dance, I showered and came out and said ok surprise time." And he blew me off because he was playing a game and wanted to finish what he was doing so he said "In an hour." Hell at that point I didn't even want to do it anymore..

 

Can any guy explain this to me? (The whole nonsexual thing he seems to portray.) It happens a lot.. This isn't just a once in 3 month thing either.

[CrushedOrgans]

it sounds like you're doing too much planning for this "surprise."

[DarkShadows]

Hmm, how so?

 

I'm not good at giving these surprises out. I just say "Hey I have a surprise for you" and expect people to be like *goody.* Not.. *I'm blowing you off so I can play a video game.."

 

Heh.

[CrushedOrgans]

it sounds like too much planning for a "surprise". something like a lapdance has to be spontaneous, that's the point.

 

and usually, it's appreciated...something is definitely up.

 

****sorry i didn't see my post up there, i thought it disappeared. didn't mean to be a repeat.

[CrushedOrgans]

it's the fact that you can't do that with him (just surprise him) that is the problem.

 

if it were my fiance, and i said "i have a surprise for you" he would drop what he was doing and come get it. maybe not everytime, sometimes there are more important matters at hand than a sexual surprise, but for the most part, it would be a curious and exciting thing. not if it was frequently, then it loses its appeal.

 

the fact that your husband is into porn (sorry if i am wrong, it's hard to keep so many people straight on here!) and watching all kinds of different stuff leads me to believe he would appreciate this kind of thing being done for him by you. even if he wasn't into porn or lapdances, your effort should still be appreciated and acknowleged. since he doesn't...i don't know. i would seriously re-evaluate why you're trying so hard with someone who has such little interest.

[DarkShadows]

Well he was into it. Very much so. He couldn't keep his hands off or the smile off his face.

 

But the after effects. Like when I said I want to do it again, he kind of turned me down by not wanting me to do it so often.

 

I understand about the whole "I shouldn't have said it was a surprise." But I'm sort of new to this, so I wasn't sure how to approach it as seeing I wanted to set up. Candles, music, the way I looked etc etc. I wasn't going to walk around the house like that but I don't know. I'm trying! Right?

[CrushedOrgans]

 

But the after effects. Like when I said I want to do it again, he kind of turned me down by not wanting me to do it so often.

 

I understand about the whole "I shouldn't have said it was a surprise." But I'm sort of new to this, so I wasn't sure how to approach it as seeing I wanted to set up. Candles, music, the way I looked etc etc. I wasn't going to walk around the house like that but I don't know. I'm trying! Right?

 

then he probably liked it so much he doesn't want it to get old too quick. and maybe he liked it so much, he doesn't want you to get sick of it too quickly either.

 

it's like lobster. it's tasty and decadent and it might be your favourite food, but have it every day and it becomes "old hat." same with "sex stuff." you can't have christmas everyday, and if you could, you wouldn't want to anymore.

 

and yes, you're trying. that's great. just don't try too hard, it takes the fun of out it. make him want, make him crave it. don't just hand it over.

[blind_otter]

word. you can overdo this, and it seems like you're a bit passive about all this. Sorta like, "Um can I do a lap dance for you?" Instead of "sit down and shaddap and get your wank on".

 

Also, this isn't something you really want to do every night. I'm just saying. It's like anal sex. You should really reserve it for special occassions rather than indulging every day.

 

Anyways when I do this sort of thing it always just...happens. I'm goofing around dropping it low to the floor to some cheesy rap song like "ho problems" by JT Money, and then my dude comes up and starts goofing around getting his old ass groove on, and then I push him into a chair and start stripping. whatever.

 

Spontaneity is the key.

[DarkShadows]

lol...

 

Well it's a shame I don't listen to J Dogg and if i said 'Shaddup and get your wank on' he would look at me like I was crazy and say "What, please repeat that in english..."

 

Yea I have been spontanous with him... He isn't very sexual... Once we've begun he is, but to get him horny is just impossible and I'm trying to figure out if it's because he has diabetes.

 

Next time I dance, I will be spontaneous and not bother telling him *oh surprise!* or *I want to dance for you* but the problem is when to do it. If he is sitting on the bed and I start doing anything sexual he'll just brush me off and say *later.*

 

That's where I am confused and I really need mens opinions on this.

 

I need to know if this is normal or if a guy on here has diabetes or knows anyone who does if this is a side effect or some bs. Or if he just isn't as into me as I would have thought.

 

He told me before "Guys don't think about sex all the time" and I was thinking what guy? you?

[norajane]

Have done some serious research into diabetes to understand what affect it might have on him sexually? I don't know anything about it, but perhaps he finds it difficult to get an erection, or he can only get one every so often, so he doesn't want to try having sex every night because he knows he can't and that makes him feel like a failure.

 

Or maybe it affects his desire to have sex, and again, that makes him feel like a failure. You trying to turn him on with no effect, might also make him feel worse.

 

Just something to consider.

[blind_otter]

Also - how is his body image? IME when men are insecure about how they look it translates into "I don't want to have sex".

[DarkShadows]

Heh. He's always rubbing his belly, he has a little one, I like it. He complains he use to be in more shape, etc. He said 'I use to be fit" yadda yadda. So I know he wishes he were more in shape. I think he looks great though and I have told him that.

 

We use to always have sex with the lights off, which I hate. A little light is nice, candlelight or something... Not bright. And I asked him why he would always turn off the lights while having sex with me, and he said it's because of him not me. He has psoriasis, especially on his legs so he is uncomfortable by it. But I have told him numerous times to stop being embarassed in front of me. I don't know...

 

I had surgery about a year and a half ago. I have scars on my stomach, 5 of them to be exact. I use to weigh a lot and i have lost weight so I have a little extra skin here and there and I feel completely comfortable with him...

 

Maybe it's just me, I don't know.

[blind_otter]

Well if he is not body confident, you can't tell him to get over it and expect him to feel better or sexier. He has to do something himself tofeel more proactive. Like, I bet if he did a little more physical activity or got on a weight loss plan, he would start to have a higher sex drive before there were even that many visible results.

 

Men are not like women when it comes to body image, I think. Women need some confirmation from their partner that they are still sexy, but I think men need to feel like they are doing something about it. Goal oriented and all that.

 

Also psoriasis is a big deal to the people who suffer from it. I had a teacher in massage school who had psoriasis and he was always all twisted up about it, emotionally.

[DarkShadows]

Yeah psoriasis and diabetes.. What a great combo.

 

I feel for him all the time. He's always feeling sick. Stomach pains or headaches. Makes him moody a lot. And he takes it out on me at times. I get sick of it, but what can I do? Say **** you and your diabetes! Stop treating me like ****, even though he doesn't mean to treat me bad. (And no he doesn't always treat me bad, but he is moody a lot.)

 

He's the first person I've known with diabetes. He has to take insulin morning and night. I just want to hug him tight and say I'm so sorry but he hates all that. He doesn't like feeling like a baby, and I can understand, but what else can you do but ignore it? Such a woman argh!

[jenniferlm]

Next time tell him to shut up and take it like a man.

No really, it sounds like he has problems that have nothing to do with you. I'd go find someone else who's interested in being turned on and fun to be around. Why waste time having to try so hard and feeling unsure of yourself??

I mean, the beginning of the relationship is supposed to be the "honeymoon" period. If he's acting this way now, how do you expect he'll react five or ten years from now when you try to excite him? He probably will have lost all interest as time passes. His problem, but you don't have to make it yours as you're doing now.

There are so MANY guys out there who would love to have a girl turn them on by lap dances and who likes and wants sex. Why not put some time into finding one of them, instead of wasting time on this lame guy?

And NO this isn't normal for a diabetic. I've known both women and men with this disease, and they've all seemed to have healthy enough sex drives. Heck, I knew a guy who had leukemia once, and HE still had a sex drive....so I don't really think the psoriasis is an excuse either...really, is there ever a good enough reason to treat someone badly and make them feel unwanted or not sexy???

[DarkShadows]

Heh. I'm not going to dump him because he doesn't have the normal male sex drive.

 

I've been with him for over 2 years now. We usually have sex before we go to sleep, for some reason. I try to have sex during the day but still get the *later* response. At night and in the mornings is when he feels really sick and horrible, so yeah I can relate. Hell the surgery I had still makes me feel naseus and dizzy almost everyday. But still, I'm just wondering if some guys are like this or just him.

 

I think the whole male reputation is taboo. You know, guys are all perverts and all they think about is sex sex sex. I know that isn't true but still...

 

Any males around? heh.

[jenniferlm]

well, call me lucky then I guess. Cause of all the men I've been with none of them have had this problem, even the one who had leukemia. Unless they were seeing someone else, or just not interested in the "relationship" all that much.

Of course it's not true that all guys think about is sex. But it is true that in a normal healthy relationship, both partners are interested in satisfying one another sexually. And when someone cares about someone, they don't go around making the other feel badly with their words or actions, especially after said partner has told them it's hurtful.

[Walk]

I get rejections from my bf regarding sex a lot. I think the head up top actually dominates the head down below to such a degree that turning him on sometimes is an act of divine intervention.

 

Basically I have to get his top head to wander down the path of sex before I can get the bottom head to pay attention.

 

Some things I found work better to get him "in the mood" for later. I start talking dirty long before trying to put the moves on him. Like bending over in front of him and rubbing my ass. Making comments about how I masturbated in the shower.. things he's specifically said turn him on. And I do this prior to initiating sex, like an hour or two before. Drop comments, innuendos, sexual thoughts.

 

Main point being, I found my bf isn't the moments notice for sex kind of guy that a lot of other men seem to be. Takes him longer to become aroused both mentally and physcially. He feels like less of a man if I'm trying to get him to perform right then, and he's not able to. He feels like less of a man for not being immediately turned on like he wishes he was. I think he gets too caught up in his head. Pride, fear, and embaressment all mixed together and he'll end up turning me down... then I feel rejected and get upset, and he feels like a failure and an ass for turning me down... and we end up further apart then we'd started.

 

Maybe this isn't the problem in your situation.. don't know. I guess see if you can find those things you know turn him on, and start doing it earlier in the day before he starts to feel ill at night. Otherwise... sometimes I'll just grab my bf and tell him he will go down on me because I'm horny. But he really enjoys doing that, and it turns him on, so it works in my case. Otherwise, I'll tell him he has to at least help me get off in some other way, or watch as I do, and I let him know that's all *I* expect. Not that he has to get off, or even get it up.. he just has to help ME get off. It takes some of the pressure off him to perform, if he changes his mind and wants to get off too, then great. If not.. then that's fine too. But I think that was the biggest thing that helped... taking the pressure off of him so he doesn't feel anxious and worried about how his body is going to respond.

[britchick]

Loss of libido is very common with diabetes, especially if his sugar levels are high (in men and women). He may also experience difficultly with erection due to reduced blood flow and nerve damage. I would get him to a diabetes specialist nurse to monitor his levels closely, not only for the sex issue but for his general health.

[DarkShadows]

Britchick (or anyone) - How can I confront him on the subject without hurting him and his ego? Like I want to ask him if being a diabetic effects his sex life, etc. I think I should know these things, especially when I know he wants to marry me. But at the same time I don't want to disrespect him in any way. Which I would never do.

[norajane]

Britchick (or anyone) - How can I confront him on the subject without hurting him and his ego? Like I want to ask him if being a diabetic effects his sex life, etc. I think I should know these things, especially when I know he wants to marry me. But at the same time I don't want to disrespect him in any way. Which I would never do.

 

"Sweetheart, tell me about diabetes. I love you, and I want to know as much about how this is affecting you as I can. You're important to me."

 

And when he starts telling you about it, ask lots of questions, including the ones about loss of libido, etc.

[DarkShadows]

I've been there done that, just never asked the sex questions because I didn't think they were relevent. This was before he became a stooge in the sex department.

[norajane]

"I've been worried about how sick you feel in the mornings and evenings, so was doing some research on diabetes (and you should do some research on your own, DarkShadows), and saw that there are sexual side effects as well. Do you think you should talk to your doctor? There may be some things he can recommend to help you feel more like yourself."

[DarkShadows]

Hmm that sounds good. Thanks norajane.