Author princessa Posted September 11, 2006 Author Posted September 11, 2006 Hey I am not in a relationship now but even if I was, I would not be so demanding of someone that I turned them off, reguardless of being a couple people are still individuals and they like doing certian things and dislike doing certian things, is this the only area in your relationship that is having problems it must be affecting other areas of your relationship. Reguardless if you are right or wrong no one likes a complainer, so maybe you can use a different approach... husbands and boyfriends are not children and we should not treat them as such. Any ideas on other approaches? Princessa you have tried two different approaches and neither of them are working what about just enjoying the relationship? That's a good plan... but in this relationship there were too many problems beyond the just minor annoyances.. Anyways I called a break so that I can clean my head and hopefully come back with a different way of dealing with things.. This is why I am currently analyzing pretty much every aspect of it.. His actions as well as the way I deal with them. The main dilemma I'm faced with time and time again is.. "is he the wrong GUY, or is my approach to him WRONG?".. I'm a perfectionnist, it's true, and I can be demanding complainer sometimes also. But he's also a spoiled kid who can be selfish and unresponsive at times. So everything's not black and white
Author princessa Posted September 11, 2006 Author Posted September 11, 2006 Put it this way if you had a son that came of age and started dating a girl would you want her to nag him all of the time or would you want him to be in a happy fullfilled relationship where both of thier needs were being met. If he is resisting you then you should back off a little don't keep on pushing. Be confident in yourslef that you don't need a man to do things for you, heck learn how to do them for yourself. I think that it is a man's responsibility to keep his woman happy also. So I don't even see WHY the resistance in the first place.
pricillia Posted September 11, 2006 Posted September 11, 2006 Any ideas on other approaches? That's a good plan... but in this relationship there were too many problems beyond the just minor annoyances.. Anyways I called a break so that I can clean my head and hopefully come back with a different way of dealing with things.. This is why I am currently analyzing pretty much every aspect of it.. His actions as well as the way I deal with them. The main dilemma I'm faced with time and time again is.. "is he the wrong GUY, or is my approach to him WRONG?".. I'm a perfectionnist, it's true, and I can be demanding complainer sometimes also. But he's also a spoiled kid who can be selfish and unresponsive at times. So everything's not black and white then it sounds like you need a break from him, if he is making you unhappy then be the adult in the relationship and let him go take a break and get right back into the game. What are some of the things that he is doing to get you annoyed?
pricillia Posted September 11, 2006 Posted September 11, 2006 I think that it is a man's responsibility to keep his woman happy also. So I don't even see WHY the resistance in the first place.[/quote Yes it is but to what degree? You should make yourself happy first It is funny even when I had a boyfriend, I did not tell him everything, that is what my friends and family are for...
LVspecB Posted September 11, 2006 Posted September 11, 2006 See, I am not wife. And this is why I feel I have to see if I can come to terms with his shortcomings before IF and before I become wife. Sounds like a good plan. I'm sure you've realized by now that, as men, it's our job to thwart your expectations of our behavior LVspecB
Author princessa Posted September 11, 2006 Author Posted September 11, 2006 Sounds like a good plan. I'm sure you've realized by now that, as men, it's our job to thwart your expectations of our behavior LVspecB SEE!!!!! This is exactly what i'm talking about!! LOL
Author princessa Posted September 11, 2006 Author Posted September 11, 2006 I think that it is a man's responsibility to keep his woman happy also. So I don't even see WHY the resistance in the first place.[/quote Yes it is but to what degree? You should make yourself happy first It is funny even when I had a boyfriend, I did not tell him everything, that is what my friends and family are for... I don't agree with you at all. First, I believe that you should put your Partner first, and you should make them happy first, not yourself. Secondly, I do tell him everything. He's my best friend and I feel I shouldn't hide anything from him. It wouldn't make sense if my friends knew more about our relationship than my guy would.
pricillia Posted September 11, 2006 Posted September 11, 2006 I don't agree with you at all. First, I believe that you should put your Partner first, and you should make them happy first, not yourself. Secondly, I do tell him everything. He's my best friend and I feel I shouldn't hide anything from him. It wouldn't make sense if my friends knew more about our relationship than my guy would. yes you should put the other person first, I am not saying be selfish in the relationship by any means, however you should be happy with yourslef first not expect a man or a woman to make you happy I am not saying that you should not open up to him but a person in a relationship does not have to know everything about you... For instance I would not really discuss with my man womanly things that would be for my friends and family... it is about finding what works with you and him not one way or another...
norajane Posted September 11, 2006 Posted September 11, 2006 For instance I would not really discuss with my man womanly things that would be for my friends and family... it is about finding what works with you and him not one way or another... Curious...what are womanly things?
pricillia Posted September 12, 2006 Posted September 12, 2006 Curious...what are womanly things? you know monthly's for instance, I sure your man would not want to hear about that... LOL
Author princessa Posted September 12, 2006 Author Posted September 12, 2006 you know monthly's for instance, I sure your man would not want to hear about that... LOL HAHAHAHA.. I'm sorry that is just childish. How else would you know when you need to put a towel on the bed
pricillia Posted September 12, 2006 Posted September 12, 2006 HAHAHAHA.. I'm sorry that is just childish. How else would you know when you need to put a towel on the bed no you are childish... creating a scene to get what you want ect ect do you stomp your feet too and cross your arms??? sounds like you are trying to be a princess... if your man is your best friend then start treating him like one... and stop trying to control him
norajane Posted September 12, 2006 Posted September 12, 2006 you know monthly's for instance, I sure your man would not want to hear about that... LOL Hmm, I don't go into great detail, but actually, he knows quite a bit about my cycle. He's not squeamish.
pricillia Posted September 12, 2006 Posted September 12, 2006 Hmm, I don't go into great detail, but actually, he knows quite a bit about my cycle. He's not squeamish. that is exactly what I mean not going into great detail. Your partener should know about your cycle... I am just saying that it is nice to leave somethings to the imagination... but with the op issues I think that by her reaction to him not meeting her needs is not healthy.. I wonder what create a scene consists of? I don't think that we can really change men if they want to do something for you they will if they want to be on time for you and you are important to them then they will be...
norajane Posted September 12, 2006 Posted September 12, 2006 but with the op issues I think that by her reaction to him not meeting her needs is not healthy.. I wonder what create a scene consists of? I don't think that we can really change men if they want to do something for you they will if they want to be on time for you and you are important to them then they will be... I have to believe there's a constructive way to deal with issues, though. I think she mentioned lateness for dates as an issue that would fit the hypothetical that started this thread. So, guys, what's a good way for a woman to deal with a guy who's always late for dates? Should she just always assume that when they agree on 7pm, he's going to get there at 7:30, and just accept that he's always going to be late - cause that's what it sounds like from some of the posts here. Is there some way she can ask him to be on time, say for something that's not negotiable - like a flight or a movie - so that he doesn't get all offended that she's trying to change who he is?
luvstarved Posted September 12, 2006 Posted September 12, 2006 Hmmm...when I am dealing with someone who is chronically late, I just subtract the appropriate amount of time from the REAL time...if he is showing up 45 minutes late for a 7pm date, I would make the date for 6 or 6:15. You know, there is change and there is change. I don't really see any big loss of identity in coughing up the common courtesy to be on time, within reason. Anyone who is in a successful marriage should be aware that change has to come from everyone, not to put one or the other first, but to put the relationship first and understand that compromise is what it is all about. Someone who really loves you and has your best interests at heart will not ask you to make a change that goes against your very nature. Learning to respect each other's feelings and be sensitive to each other's needs is another story. You won't get that with a hammer, though.
Author princessa Posted September 12, 2006 Author Posted September 12, 2006 norajane I think you get my point now let's hear the men!
Author princessa Posted September 12, 2006 Author Posted September 12, 2006 You know, there is change and there is change. I don't really see any big loss of identity in coughing up the common courtesy to be on time, within reason. Anyone who is in a successful marriage should be aware that change has to come from everyone, not to put one or the other first, but to put the relationship first and understand that compromise is what it is all about. This is exactly the kind of "change" im talking about. But it seems that some guys are just SHOCKED as soon as you allude to something you'd like to be carried out differently. Someone who really loves you and has your best interests at heart will not ask you to make a change that goes against your very nature. Learning to respect each other's feelings and be sensitive to each other's needs is another story. You won't get that with a hammer, though. Yes, so shouldn't they trust our intentions also and not take it as an insult or an attempt to hammer their personality everythime their girl asks something (nicely)???
flowergirl Posted September 12, 2006 Posted September 12, 2006 Princessa, I get your general point. Relationships are about mutual compromise. Each partner should respect each other enough to make minor desired changes, without feeling like their SO is trying to change their essence or personality. However, making demands of another person will just make them more resistant to change. People change at their own pace, and and not before they're ready. I personally understand the frustration of wanting someone to do what you want now, but something I'm learning in my current relationship is that patience truly is a virtue, and you must appreciate and notice when someone is making the effort to improve. Try going at least six weeks without mentioning your SO's habit, and if you don't see some change within that time period, then reconsider whether he cares as much as you do. Good luck and keep us updated.
Author princessa Posted September 12, 2006 Author Posted September 12, 2006 Princessa, I get your general point. Relationships are about mutual compromise. Each partner should respect each other enough to make minor desired changes, without feeling like their SO is trying to change their essence or personality. However, making demands of another person will just make them more resistant to change. People change at their own pace, and and not before they're ready. I personally understand the frustration of wanting someone to do what you want now, but something I'm learning in my current relationship is that patience truly is a virtue, and you must appreciate and notice when someone is making the effort to improve. Try going at least six weeks without mentioning your SO's habit, and if you don't see some change within that time period, then reconsider whether he cares as much as you do. Good luck and keep us updated. Finally.. I think a lot of people in here also said to be patient, and avoid being demanding, etc. I agree with that, but I'm looking for more guidance as to HOW you go about it, and where you set your limits. Like at what point is it reasonable to say 'enough is enough, I can't tolerate this anymore'. I'm not a patient person by nature, but I can learn. Just that i don't want to find myself being TOO patient with unacceptable behaviour. I like how you mentionned the 6 weeks timeframe before reconsidering his intentions, I think that's reasonable.. I'll give it a try next time I guess!
portableversion Posted September 12, 2006 Posted September 12, 2006 The 'problem'- male leaves its filthy socks lying around in the living room. female thinks thats disgusting. THe solution-female says "pick up your ****ing socks. Looking at them makes me want to vomit. If you don't pick them up, i'll throw them in the trash." Then WALK AWAY and SAY NO MORE. Of course, if the male has really loathsome habits, like internet porn, i'd say kick its azz to the curb. But that's just me. The point-be upfront and be honest. No need to be shrinking violet. If he doesn't respect you enough to make changes, then ditch him. If he doesn't care enough about you to make the changes, then don't bother with him.
LVspecB Posted September 12, 2006 Posted September 12, 2006 THe solution-female says "pick up your ****ing socks. Looking at them makes me want to vomit. If you don't pick them up, i'll throw them in the trash." Then WALK AWAY and SAY NO MORE. You know, I'm going to have to try this. My wife frequently leaves her scrapbooking stuff on the kitchen table (the light is good there, she likes to be near the family while working on it, etc.) I have to clear it off on occasion to make dinner (I often get home first, I like to cook, she doesn't) and that can be irratating. So tomorrow night, soon as she walks in the door, I going to bellow "pick up your ****ing scrapbooking stuff. Looking at it makes me want to vomit. If you don't pick it up, i'll throw it in the trash." I wonder how well that would work? LVspecB
luvstarved Posted September 13, 2006 Posted September 13, 2006 I like how you mentionned the 6 weeks timeframe before reconsidering his intentions, I think that's reasonable.. I'll give it a try next time I guess! Well yer basic problem there is that by the time six weeks has gone by, if he hasn't changed, he will assume that you have lovingly and silently agreed to "accept" him as he is, and may be more defensive than ever at this renewed attack in a battle he thought was over... Speaking of battles, you have to pick 'em. My husband still roams the house loudly belching at will despite my repeated requests that he not do so. Fine. Now I just make of joke of it and carry on. Not a dealbreaker. But something like being consistently late is another matter because it is inconvenient and unfair to the other party and probably others too. I really have used the "altering the appointment time" technique successfully, and have also used the "after 20 minutes, I am going without you" technique. I didn't have this problem with my husband but with another friend, and it did seem to cure them. Now if they are going to be more than 15 minutes late, which is much less often than it used to be, at least I get a call: "Don't leave without me!", so I am not just left hanging and wondering what's going on. So whatever the problem is, maybe you can find a way of refusing to tolerate it without specifically asking him to change...fine, be late, but miss out.
Guest Posted September 13, 2006 Posted September 13, 2006 You know, I'm going to have to try this. My wife frequently leaves her scrapbooking stuff on the kitchen table (the light is good there, she likes to be near the family while working on it, etc.) I have to clear it off on occasion to make dinner (I often get home first, I like to cook, she doesn't) and that can be irratating. So tomorrow night, soon as she walks in the door, I going to bellow "pick up your ****ing scrapbooking stuff. Looking at it makes me want to vomit. If you don't pick it up, i'll throw it in the trash." I wonder how well that would work? LVspecB LOL! Dude, sometimes you bring me to tears. I'll warn you though, you're in dangerous territory. Turning around logic on women in order to make your point is the the expess lane to hell. The whole process damages their brain somehow and leads to Turret's syndrome.
DarkShadows Posted September 13, 2006 Posted September 13, 2006 you know monthly's for instance, I sure your man would not want to hear about that... LOL Not all men are like that. I know they don't want to know the details of how much blood is pouring out of you.. but they do want to know. My boyfriend insists (sort of) that I tell him when I am on my period. Only because he wants to know if I am pregnant. I once didn't tell him and he was a little upset asking why I didn't mention it. I guess things like this are somewhat important to a man.
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