crispiddy12 Posted September 11, 2006 Posted September 11, 2006 There are always unanswered questions and thoughts early on in a relationship but when is it ok or safe to know the unknown? Like for example the question on how many people have you slept with before.... do i know any of them? those types of questions you typically wouldn't ask when you first start dating but i'm sure you should know these things before you marry somebody i'm sure... If anybody else has more questions and thoughts on this please tell me... i have a few unanswered questions like these and i really don't know how to handle it.... i think mostly cuz i won't like the answers and i know it. Are these thoughts normal??
Guest Posted September 11, 2006 Posted September 11, 2006 I dont really see the point of asking such questions because your SO could lie. It is better to tell your SO about your own history first and if your SO feels ready to tell hers/his, then she/he would volunteer it.
DarkShadows Posted September 11, 2006 Posted September 11, 2006 Hmm, I'm not sure. My boyfriend and I asked these questions about 5 months into our relationship. Caused no harm. I knew one girl, didn't effect me much because he hated her guts and she was only a "fall back girl" after his 5 yr relationship to some other scum who treated him like crap. I was honest, I know he was. But some people aren't honest so.. I don't know if your SO will be honest.
alphamale Posted September 11, 2006 Posted September 11, 2006 Don't ask any questions that you are not prepared to answer yourself...
Author crispiddy12 Posted September 11, 2006 Author Posted September 11, 2006 i hear on not asking what i wouldn't want to answer.... but honestly i would have no problem answering any question to my g/f. There are certain things that i'm curious about though and i guess i just don't know how to bring up the conver to ask them and saying it the right way too.
DarkShadows Posted September 11, 2006 Posted September 11, 2006 Hmm, I'm not sure how other people, women, would handle these questions. I know when I was asked I didn't think anything bad nor say *Oh I have to lie*... Actually I was pretty comfortable answering the questions he asked as I haven't slept around the world and back so... Maybe it depends on how whorish your girl is? Some might lie.. Make up a less amount of numbers... Who knows... Her reaction can't be answered by any other person but herself really. Depends on how comfortable she is talking about sex, I should gather. If shes close minded about talking about sex, she would probably more than likely be skiddish about answering you. On the other hand if she likes talking about sex, she would probably be more open minded. I talk about sex more often than my boyfriend, I'm a pervert at heart always making sex jokes out of things people say that aren't even about sex but I find some way to constrew (spelling?) it into a sex joke. :x I'm naughty.
Author crispiddy12 Posted September 11, 2006 Author Posted September 11, 2006 i guess thats why i have these thought because she is kinda closed minded when it comes to talking about sex.... in front of her friends she will laugh and joke when it comes to other comments but yet she would never say them herself... what is that called? being a prued or something like that?
QWERTY Posted September 11, 2006 Posted September 11, 2006 Once a girlfriend and I have the "how many partners" question it always leads to me feeling insecure and needing to ask more questions. The best relationship I've ever had was the one where we said at the start that we wouldn't talk about our past relationships -- sure I was a little curious, but it's better to feel curious than to feel insecure. If you think her answers will make you feel insecure, or if there's a chance that you won't like what you hear, DON'T ASK! The point is that she's with you now -- just concentrate on being the best boyfriend you can be and leave the past alone.
jenniferlm Posted September 11, 2006 Posted September 11, 2006 Why would anyone want to know such a thing?? It's really none of anyone's business what someone did (or who they did it with) before they ever met you. Does it really matter? And if so, I'd be wondering why. People can be so judgemental and wierd. Either that or this seems like someone wanting their SO to prove their "worthiness". Personally, I always refuse to answer such personal, immature, nosy questions. And I would never ask anyone else anything like this either. Why would I care???? Honestly though, I think I can count the times I've been asked this question on one hand (of who I've slept with before) since I graduated high school over 15 years ago.....
DarkShadows Posted September 11, 2006 Posted September 11, 2006 Well people ask for two reasons... 1.) They want to know if the girl they are with is/was a whore. 2.) They want to know if the guy they are with is/was a whore. Really, a lot can be said about a person who has slept with a lot of people or hardly anyone. I wouldn't want to be with a guy who has screwed a few dozen broads, just as a guy wouldn't want to be with a girl who has been around the block and back.
moman Posted September 12, 2006 Posted September 12, 2006 I have a policy of don't ask-don't tell. What I have done in the past with ex-girlfriends and how many girls I have slept with is in the past. Nothing can change it and there is nothing constructive that can come out of discussing it. If I go out on a date with a girl who brings up past relationships, I generally change the subject. I don't talk about it and I don't care what/who/how many guys my girl has slept with. We all have had our fun and that's what matters.
insomnie Posted September 12, 2006 Posted September 12, 2006 Nothing can change it and there is nothing constructive that can come out of discussing it. If I go out on a date with a girl who brings up past relationships, I generally change the subject. I don't talk about it and I don't care what/who/how many guys my girl has slept with. We all have had our fun and that's what matters. I disagree with this. Sex isn't free - there is always the chance of catching a nasty disease or getting someone pregnant. I think a high sexual number therefore indicates how much one values sexual variety. 60 previous partners, for example, would indiate to me that the person in question is highly sexual and is willing to pay a premium for sexual variety with the possibility of catchign a disease. I would want to know this information before getting into a relaitonship with someone because sexual values are an important part of compatibility. Because I don't value sexual variety nearly as much and certainly would not put my life in any kind of danger for it, I would worry that our values and perosnalities would not mesh. Of course, there are other ways to find out what your potential SO's values about sex are than to ask questions about the past, and of course sometimes past is not a good indicator about these things, as the person may have changed or got whatever out of his system, but I don't htink it's entirely irrelevent. In my mind, if someone is willing to risk getting herpes to have sex with a different girl at a different bar every week, sex with different, he is also probably more likely to risk losing someone he loves for an affair, just because that kind of past indicates that sex with different people is very important to him. Maybe my thinking's flawed.
Author crispiddy12 Posted September 12, 2006 Author Posted September 12, 2006 well agree that whats done in the past stays in the past but only to a certain degree... bottom line is i love my girl and if she was a whore (gulp. lol) in the past then thats what she was.... but i know what she is now and thats what matters... she wasn't though but i hope you get what i'm saying.... i just don't want to be left in the dark or have any suprises come out later... and i didn't intend on this thread just being about how many partners you had in the past type of thing... i meant awkward questions like that... maybe even talking about past love lifes or whatever.... for me i have a few question i would like answered but there is no way for her to answer them incorrectly.... its just for curiousty sake i guess... cuz bottom line i already know i wasn't the first for everything like most guys like it... however i'm happy about this cuz then i know she has been there done that and obviously doesn't want that or she would be there.... hope that makes sense...
Walk Posted September 12, 2006 Posted September 12, 2006 My bf was the one who asked me first how many sexual partners I'd had in the past. I can't remember when exactly, but it couldn't have been more than a month or two from when we first went out... We hadn't even kissed at that point. I can't remember what exactly led up to the question, but I do know we'd been talking about our pasts. It was a comfortable setting, and we were both feeling pretty secure in sharing. He asked, I answered. No big lead up to it, it just seemed like a natural question to ask at the time since we were talking about past histories and people we'd loved and lost. Things we liked/didn't like about past SO's and stuff. I think it's only a big deal if YOU feel you're going to have a problem acknowledging she had a life before you, and accepting it without judgement. *I* felt comfortable answering his questions because I didn't feel he was going to judge me. And we spent a LOT of time in the first few months talking about what we were looking for in a SO. Our ideals, our views, our thoughts and opinions.. We knew a lot of the same people (small town), and I knew some of the women he had dated and slept with in the past. He knew one of the guys I had dated and slept with too. We also discussed why those relationships ended so poorly. I guess I see those talks as necessary. I want to be with a person who is able to accept me for who I am. The good, bad and ugly. And if he can't accept that I have a past, then "We" can't have much of a future together. Plus, it allowed me to understand who he was, and things he valued in a relationship. And allowed me to decide if I was able to provide those things, or not. Whether his views meshed with mine, or clashed. My suggestion, Find a quiet place where the both of you can talk without interruption. Maybe start by asking her what she is ideally looking for in a significant other. And just ask questions. Show her you are really interested in hearing about everything in her life, and that you aren't going to judge her for past decisions... then she'll feel safe enough to answer any question you may want to ask her.
Walk Posted September 12, 2006 Posted September 12, 2006 I think a high sexual number therefore indicates how much one values sexual variety. In my mind, if someone is willing to risk getting herpes to have sex with a different girl at a different bar every week, sex with different, he is also probably more likely to risk losing someone he loves for an affair, just because that kind of past indicates that sex with different people is very important to him. I think you're on the right track.. but i don't think it takes into consideration that people's values change over time. Although I believe sexual variety and increased frequency would still rank high on that persons value chain, the number of different partners could be substituted with ONE partner who is willing to put extra effort into keeping variety and excitment in the sexual area of their relationship. Its obviously something that does need to be taken into consideration, but not quite the indicator of a potential cheater that is suggested. Either way.. its still information that a person should know prior to getting into a relationship with someone. But to automatically judge the person as "scum" without taking the "WHOLE" person into consideration, might be a little hasty.
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