The OW

[yousaveme]

I havent been on LS for long at all. I found this site, as was happy to find people to talk to about my situtation. I tried telling my story as briefly as possible even thought it came out long.

 

I have gotten plenty of advice and shared my feeling with others.

 

To those that have been or in a similar situtation i thank you. You have helped and do continue to help. There have been a few that it seems to me feel the need to bash.

 

Im sorry for those who hate our (OW) situtations. I never thought i would be a OW. I guess it falls under one of those catagories you cant help who you fall in love with.

 

I just want those who bash OW to know we have feelings also. We hurt and cry just like everyone else.

[scaredinlove]

I would like to add we are not bad rotten people we just are weak.We believe in love. Just people who get themselves in a bad situation. It is not llike you wake up in the morning and say I will be a OW when I grow up.It happens so strangely that when you finally wake up you are sooooo envolved that you don't know hoow to get out.

[yousaveme]

I would like to add we are not bad rotten people we just are weak.We believe in love. Just people who get themselves in a bad situation. It is not llike you wake up in the morning and say I will be a OW when I grow up.It happens so strangely that when you finally wake up you are sooooo envolved that you don't know hoow to get out.

 

Thanks, we arent rotten. It does happen strangely. I dont think any of us know how it started ( emotions is what im talking about) it just happened. One day your talking , joking around etc...Next thing your in love.

[serial muse]

hi you - i just want to point out that much of the negative reaction you've received on your threads has been the direct result of stuff you've said about the w. anger breeds anger. your comments about her show a distinct lack of empathy, which opens you up to being a big target - particularly when you yourself seek empathy for a situation that isn't wholly understandable to everyone.

 

you might want to think about that. turnabout is fair play.

[CrushedOrgans]

 

There have been a few that it seems to me feel the need to bash.

 

Im sorry for those who hate our (OW) situtations. I never thought i would be a OW. I guess it falls under one of those catagories you cant help who you fall in love with.

 

I just want those who bash OW to know we have feelings also. We hurt and cry just like everyone else.

 

hey, yousaveme. i don't hate you. i don't even hate your situation. it's more of an understanding thing...i don't understand how you think it's okay to date someone else's husband, i don't understand how you have little to no respect for someone else's relationship, i don't understand why you would put yourself in a almost always lose/lose situation.

 

but i would never make it my personal mission to seek out an OW and ruin her life. you put forth some info here--you're going to get alllllllll kinds here.

 

it's true that you can't help who you fall in love with, but you CAN help knowing what is right and wrong. "love" does not cancel out doing what is right. love is nice and all, and you're lucky if you find it, but it doesn't justify stomping all over someone else's life because you think you found what you want.

 

you never thought you would be an OW. okay. i never thought i would be a 4.0 student. it didn't just happen--but now i am. it wasn't magic, nor was it unavoidable. just like you being an OW. you didn't just become one all of a sudden. you're working towards it, and you're accepting it by not changing the behavior.

[Joelle]

hi you - i just want to point out that much of the negative reaction you've received on your threads has been the direct result of stuff you've said about the w. anger breeds anger. your comments about her show a distinct lack of empathy, which opens you up to being a big target - particularly when you yourself seek empathy for a situation that isn't wholly understandable to everyone.

 

you might want to think about that. turnabout is fair play.

 

Good point.

[BUTAFLY]

hey, yousaveme. i don't hate you. i don't even hate your situation. it's more of an understanding thing...i don't understand how you think it's okay to date someone else's husband, i don't understand how you have little to no respect for someone else's relationship, i don't understand why you would put yourself in a almost always lose/lose situation.

 

you say, why date someones husband? I say, why is your husband dating?

The questioning is always one sided- I say entertain the other side for shytsngiggles.

[CrushedOrgans]

you say, why date someones husband? I say, why is your husband dating?

The questioning is always one sided- I say entertain the other side for shytsngiggles.

 

 

i agree, i would also ask, why is your husband dating? but i don't think it's one-sided at all, that point is brought up a lot.

 

but the husband can't deny that what he is doing is wrong. that's usually a given. the ow even usually thinks it's wrong. but the ow's often seem to claim they "fell victim" to a man.

 

why someone else's husband is dating is no one's business but the husband and wife. it shouldn't become someone else's personal problem, and it only becomes that way if you let it, especially by justifying it with excuses that hold no water.

 

in the end, you're only responsible for your own actions. it would be nice, though, if people could respect other people and their relationships. i guess it's wishful thinking. silly me.

 

p.s. i love your signature.

[serial muse]

you say, why date someones husband? I say, why is your husband dating?

The questioning is always one sided- I say entertain the other side for shytsngiggles.

 

i believe this was my point.

[TattooedPrincess]

They say it takes a village to raise a child

I wonder why it doesn't take a village to put a MM in his place!

[BUTAFLY]

i believe this was my point.

Sorry, I don't see that question as being offensive:o

[serial muse]

which question? i wasn't talking about your question at all, butafly. i was saying that your statement - why not see it from the other point of view - is something the OP might want to consider doing.

 

because she doesn't.

 

i was referring specifically to yousaveme, who is complaining about people being unsympathetic, though she has started several threads to the tune of, why's the wife doing this/isn't she stupid?

 

it's hypocritical. is all i'm saying.

 

if you want to create a culture of kindness on these boards, it makes little sense to foment such hostility.

[BUTAFLY]

which question? i wasn't talking about your question at all, butafly. i was saying that your statement - why not see it from the other point of view - is something the OP might want to consider doing.

 

because she doesn't.

 

i was referring specifically to yousaveme, who is complaining about people being unsympathetic, though she has started several threads to the tune of, why's the wife doing this/isn't she stupid?

 

it's hypocritical. is all i'm saying.

 

if you want to create a culture of kindness on these boards, it makes little sense to foment such hostility.

You quoted me so I thought you were referring to me. Sorry I was confused.

[serial muse]

You quoted me so I thought you were referring to me. Sorry I was confused.

 

i was - i was just referring to the second part of what you said. i would have edited my quote but it was too late for editing.

[Guest]

I know some wise people have said this before but I'm going to say it again...if the marriage wasn't in trouble in the first place, the man or woman would never have sought out another relationship. Not all men/women just want sex, some actually want to spend quality time with someone who thinks they are great and have a conversation with an interesting person.

[serial muse]

if you are the same guest who started a thread to this effect, please see my response in your thread.

[Guest]

First of all I would like to say that it is great to find a website like this.

I too, am the OW and I tell myself every day that I'm going to end my unhealthy relationship but I am in love. He has never promised me to leave his wife and children and I would never ask him to do so. Our relationship did not start this way and wasn't even supposed to be a relationship. However it has become one and it is very hard to end it. I am in love with him and truly believe that he loves me as well. The hardest thing about ending this relationship is that we work together and I don't know that I could work with someone every day as closely as we have to and not be together. If this had never started then it would be different but now what do I do? Our relationship is not based solely upon sex either. We go out often and sometimes it doesn't involve sex. So, for those of you who are bashing the OW I completely understand where you are coming from. But, then again I understand the others who mentioned that maybe you should also wonder why the man is looking elsewhere for affection. This goes two ways!!

[serial muse]

First of all I would like to say that it is great to find a website like this.

I too, am the OW and I tell myself every day that I'm going to end my unhealthy relationship but I am in love. He has never promised me to leave his wife and children and I would never ask him to do so. Our relationship did not start this way and wasn't even supposed to be a relationship. However it has become one and it is very hard to end it. I am in love with him and truly believe that he loves me as well. The hardest thing about ending this relationship is that we work together and I don't know that I could work with someone every day as closely as we have to and not be together. If this had never started then it would be different but now what do I do? Our relationship is not based solely upon sex either. We go out often and sometimes it doesn't involve sex. So, for those of you who are bashing the OW I completely understand where you are coming from. But, then again I understand the others who mentioned that maybe you should also wonder why the man is looking elsewhere for affection. This goes two ways!!

 

again - please refer to my earlier post. this goes around and around on these boards, but since people keep bringing it up, i guess i will too: yes, an affair indicates trouble in a marriage. but trouble in a marriage doesn't have to lead to an affair, therefore it is not a fundamental justification for the affair. that is facile, and cowardly.

 

the MM or MW made a choice to deal with the marriage problems in a way that is ultimately very destructive for everyone involved. that's not to say they can't be troubled by their own choices. but to pretend it's an inevitability is also destructive. it's not. it was a choice that he or she made, and it's frustrating to hear people absolve them of the responsibility for making that choice. yes, the people who often absolve them of it are the OW or BS, whichever feels that their relationship has triumphed (or may yet triumph) and who now just want to be happy in love. the love itself, therefore, serves as the justification.

 

but not recognizing that choosing to engage in an affair, rather than meet problems head-on and deal with them, is fundamentally selfish (and really rather cowardly) is not going to improve anybody's relationship. it doesn't matter whether the affair is based on sex or on love. what matters is the dishonesty and the pain.

 

if you are unhappy in a relationship - talk to your spouse. determine whether it's salvageable. end it if it's not. no, it isn't easy - but it is simple. it is straightforward, but people caught up in desire don't want to see that. they want it to be complicated, because that makes it justifiable to not know what to do, and to therefore do nothing. emotions are not simple, no. they are tangled. everyone is all tangled up together, and that obscures the issue.

 

but kindness is simple. courage is simple.

 

being complicated and fraught with emotion does not make the affair justifiable. tangled emotions are human, and believe me, i do empathize. but that doesn't make it okay. it is never okay to willingly hurt other people when you could do something to make it better. even if that something is to leave. even if that something is to do the difficult, confrontational thing in the short-term to give everyone a chance at happiness in the long-term. the only thing that's not okay is to do nothing.

 

by saying that, i am not bashing OW or OM. i am talking about the MM/MW. it's funny how people translate that to bashing OW/OM, but i suppose there's a thread already on here about defensiveness and the instinct to justify. just please try to actually read what i am saying.

[sassiex]

I havent been on LS for long at all. I found this site, as was happy to find people to talk to about my situtation. I tried telling my story as briefly as possible even thought it came out long.

 

I have gotten plenty of advice and shared my feeling with others.

 

To those that have been or in a similar situtation i thank you. You have helped and do continue to help. There have been a few that it seems to me feel the need to bash.

 

Im sorry for those who hate our (OW) situtations. I never thought i would be a OW. I guess it falls under one of those catagories you cant help who you fall in love with.

 

I just want those who bash OW to know we have feelings also. We hurt and cry just like everyone else.

how right you are !! most of us didnt plan this and most of us will never do it again!!

its called finding the right one at the wrong time !!

[GreenEyedLady]

SM-Your post was very well-written and thought out. I think that many posters who don't agree with the OW situation feel that we are trying to justify our situation. I don't blame them for not agreeing, that is their opinion and right. However, I don't see it as justifying their (our) situation. It is merely an explanation. I don't feel that I have to justify myself or situation to anyone here. But I give an explanantion so that others know why I have ended up in this situation.

 

As for defensiveness, there is a polite way to disagree. Sometimes posters come off as rude (someone was called a slut on here), hence the defensiveness. We are already in a sticky situation. We come here to get support and camaraderie. I don't expect everyone to agree with me or condone my actions. Posters just want to feel like they are not alone. We beat ourselves up enough.

 

And of course, there are many respectful posters on both sides. And sometimes everyone has a bad day and their post is a little TOO harsh. Or the OW/BS has had a sad day and come here to get a little reinforcement or encouragement and SLAM! Everyone just needs to try to be sensitive to the fact that each poster is a person with feelings and not a bunch of words on a page.

[pricillia]

But I think as OW we need to realize that being with the MM will not last forever, I think that we need to toughen up and live our lives.

 

It is ok to hurt but who wants to be in that place for a long time. There are other men out there...

 

Why should MM get to have all the fun...

 

What about that nice single guy...

 

I just think that we should not have blinders on for our MM

 

Yes we are in love we have feelings for them but at some point there has to be an end.

 

and then hopefully a better beginning...

 

Peace out all have a great weekend..

[Jelly Bean]

That is correct, no judgements!...you are right, we can not help who falls in love with us, and who we fall in love with. I think that many couples today settle, and that by settling they screw the rest of us up, when we fall in love with the person we were intended to be with, they are with someone else...i believe in prayer....and that you love something and let it go and it comes back, then its meant to be...

[Guest]

Thanks, we arent rotten. It does happen strangely. I dont think any of us know how it started ( emotions is what im talking about) it just happened. One day your talking , joking around etc...Next thing your in love.

 

I have just read through some of your posts whilst browsing the site. I see no point in putting you down but I will speak openly.

If your MM loves you as much as you think he does he WOULD leave his wife.

This could be done without you being involved. You and him could then make out your relationship had started after the marriage had ended.

Be clear about this - your MM is a LIAR. You know this, so why do you dream that he wouldn't lie to you? He won't think of himself as a liar. He will just be doing everything he can to get through his life without truly facing up to who he is.

Wake up!

He is an emotional mess as I'm pretty sure you are. That does not mean he loves you. What he loves(AS YOU DO) is the escapism from real life. You are both living a lie and if you ever did live real life together you would NOT cope. You are both having this affair/secret life because you can't cope with reality. It's self medication.

Why don't you spend some time trying to remember who you really are? You will not at this time be thinking clearly. Your life revolves around a fantasy.

I say again IF HE TRULY LOVED YOU HE WOULD LEAVE HIS WIFE. The reason he doesn't leave her is because deep down he wants his marriage to work. If that wasn't the case he wouldn't care about hiding the affair - and that is all it will ever be.

You will think I don't know you or your situation, which I don't - but I don't need to. Please think about what I have said. There is no point in being defensive. Look at the statistics of marriages that start as affairs and you will see what I mean. All that is happening to you both is a stop gap until one of you wakes up or is forced to wake up to your ego. You are not the people you want to believe you are.

[GreenEyedLady]

This is not necessarily in response to anyone in particular but as I've read through the posts of the site, I find it so contradictory that people say on one hand, if he truly loved you, he would leave his wife and then in the next breath say how can he leave his marriage/family? It's a catch-22.

 

And by the way, some of us are not hiding the A. Don't make assumptions, guest.

[Guest]

But I think as OW we need to realize that being with the MM will not last forever, I think that we need to toughen up and live our lives.

 

It is ok to hurt but who wants to be in that place for a long time. There are other men out there...

 

Why should MM get to have all the fun...

 

What about that nice single guy...

 

I just think that we should not have blinders on for our MM

 

Yes we are in love we have feelings for them but at some point there has to be an end.

 

and then hopefully a better beginning...

 

Peace out all have a great weekend..

 

As a MM man who has finally ended a 2 year affair with my wifes "friend" this is how I feel.

I fell into the affair because we did have problems in our marriage.

 

I felt unloved. I blamed my wife.

 

I now realise that most of our problems came from my lack of ability to give myself completely. There were many issues that caused this but I did not recognise this until it was too late.

I do not speak from guilt ( although I feel it) it's realisation after much soul searching. My wife is a wonderful person, intelligent, funny and sexy but especially caring and generous, who I had taken for granted. I couldn't see my part in our problems until I thought I might lose her.

I nearly lost this wonderful person who is my whole life. As for the other woman ........the relationship was built on lies and deceit. What does that have to do with love? She showed me a lot of attention at a time when I needed it. She told me everything I wanted to hear about myself but not what I needed to hear.

I was a self obsessed mess and I soon realised that she was not what she liked to think she was. I had little respect for her but I didn't have the courage to get out of the situation for fear of my wife finding out. I knew she would let it out and felt that hung over me all the time.

The sex was something I would take and as soon as it was over I just wanted to leave. Men will say what women want to hear but I now realise the power she had over me.

I feel nauseous now when I think of that woman. I don't blame her but I have had an awakening to who I am. When I could no longer bare the pressure I ended it. Believe me, the whole thing was not about "MM having all the fun"

It was the worst experience of my entire life. I then had to face what I had done to my wife. She is broken.......and I would give my arm literally if I thought it would cure her pain.

There is one good thing to come from this. I have grown up at last! and the rest of my life will be devoted to making my wife happy if she continues to let me try.

Anyone else feel this?