molly Posted September 11, 2006 Posted September 11, 2006 The whole saga would take too long to post here. Please read previous posts for more details, but the gist is that a man i dated for a year has been going through a serious depression and has subsequently broken up with me several times since last November. The pattern is that he ends things, citing his depression as rendering him unable to be in a relationship, I go away, and he pulls me back in only to do it all again. Well, after nearly a year of insanity, I've reached my boiling point and want to establish complete no contact with the goal of moving on, not getting back together. I am still pulling for this man and sincerely hope he overcomes his depression, but for my own mental health, I cannot participate in that process. I think he wants me to be a benevolent, supportive buddy who he can talk to and lean on everyday, but as much as I'd like to be that person, I need time to heal myself. SO, no contact is definitely what I am going for here but I have a question about it. The problem (and I know I'm not unique in this) is that we have many, many of the same interests in music and arts-related events and there are several on the horizon that we both plan on attending. My impulse is to ignore him altogether when we are at these events, but that will also be very strange because these are small venues and we have some of the same friends. On the other hand, if I make friendly chit chat with him, I'm really worried that whatever progress I've made will go down the drain. I should also say that he does not want no contact, that he wants very much to be in eachother's lives. I had proposed to him that we map out where we plan on going so as to avoid each other, sort of a "you stay home on this event and I'll stay home on the next one" but he refused, saying we ought to be able to coexist happily. He does not understand my need for complete abstinence from him until I reach a point where the emotions aren't so haywire. Another thought is just to stay away myself, from all these upcoming events, but these are big deals and I don't want to avoid them. I just want to avoid him. Please, has anyone else been in this situation, and if so, how did you deal with it? Keep in mind that I really want to let go of this relationship and move on. I'm not looking to reel him back in. Thanks for any help.
bchlvr Posted September 12, 2006 Posted September 12, 2006 Molly, I feel for you and can relate to the dilemma regarding shared interests and no contact. It's good that you are thinking in terms of making yourself the priority now and taking care of yourself in order to heal. It sounds as though your ex has used his medical/ psychological condition to manipulate you to keep you involved in the relationship, meeting his needs, while he maintains control. You sound firm about your decision to put an end to the cycle you described and make a total break from the relationship. Are you concerned that if you have contact with him you will get drawn in again and not be able to stick to your decision? In my case, I am afraid that seeing my ex at places where we both belong will elicit such strong feelings: hurt,longing,anger, that I won't really be able to enjoy what I'm there for or connect to other people. I am in total nc, but even just hearing innocuous information about her sends me reeling. So, I feel that I need to wait a while longer until I feel more neutral about my ex. I'm sure you don't want to hold yourself back from doing the things that "feed your soul." If you see your ex, how about acknowledging him, so that youre not ignoring him and feeling awkward. At the same time, you may need to refrain from engaging in any chit chat so you can protect yourself. Just a pleasant hello and keep moving.
bchlvr Posted September 12, 2006 Posted September 12, 2006 Molly, I feel for you and can relate to the dilemma regarding shared interests and no contact. It's good that you are thinking in terms of making yourself the priority now and taking care of yourself in order to heal. It sounds as though your ex has used his medical/ psychological condition to manipulate you to keep you involved in the relationship, meeting his needs, while he maintains control. You sound firm about your decision to put an end to the cycle you described and make a total break from the relationship. Are you concerned that if you have contact with him you will get drawn in again and not be able to stick to your decision? In my case, I am afraid that seeing my ex at places where we both belong will elicit such strong feelings: hurt,longing,anger, that I won't really be able to enjoy what I'm there for or connect to other people. I am in total nc, but even just hearing innocuous information about her sends me reeling. So, I feel that I need to wait a while longer until I feel more neutral about my ex. I'm sure you don't want to hold yourself back from doing the things that "feed your soul." If you see your ex, how about acknowledging him, so that youre not ignoring him and feeling awkward. At the same time, you may need to refrain from engaging in any chit chat so you can protect yourself. Just a pleasant hello and keep moving.
Ruinous79 Posted September 13, 2006 Posted September 13, 2006 I definitely agree with all that bchlvr had to say. Ideally, keeping him completely out of sight would be the safest bet. I would attempt that above all but if it's impossible just steer clear. As far as him not understanding why you don't want contact.....of course he understands and he doesn't like it because he wants to hold the strings. It doesn't hurt him to keep you near it only hurts you. Don't worry about his feelings. He hasn't worried about yours. Take care of yourself first and tell him you have had enough. It is hard and it will hurt but I haven't talked to or seen my ex at all in 8 months and while I'm not totally healed (why else would I be here?) I am over him. Good luck to you.
Author molly Posted September 14, 2006 Author Posted September 14, 2006 thanks for all your responses. i'm still torn over seeing ex at upcoming events and even if i should attend them at all. what i've observed in all this, though, is that no-contact as a strategy can take on a monstrous life of its own if not implemented correctly. bythat, i mean i have actually contacted my ex more in the last week or so trying to get him to accept my new, "liberating" NO CONTACT policy than i would've otherwise! it's just downright kooky! i've been agonzing over the thought of seeing him soon and have been trying to persuade him to do me a favor and stay at home (with the trade off that i'll stay away from other events), and as soon as we get past the first 2 minutes on the phone, we're right back in "let's drag up every bad thing about our relationship" territory again. i'm definitely not applying no contact properly and have decided that telling the other other person you're about to start NO CONTACT defeats the whole purpose. i'm actually LOLing at myself about it all. it's the ol' joke where the jilted lover keeps calling the partner who wants out just to let him know "hey, i'm NOT talking to you..just in case you wondered!!". bleh. yea, i admit i've been using no contact discussions as a means of carrying on our relationship in some way or another, and to keep, yes, CONTACT, breathing. anyway, just some thoughts. i guess i need to just stop contacting this person right now, no more emails, calls, etc telling him that's what i'm doing. Just. Do. It. and as far as seeing him at events, maybe try not to spend so much time dreading them...that's the hard part anyway, the buildup. and if when i do see him out, maybe as some have said, a barely there but polite recognition of his existence and then move on. its just so hard to imagine having a good time with him in the room right now. thanks again.
Recommended Posts