I'm Done

[the_alchemyst]

As of today, September 10, 2006, I declare myself done with this.

 

I was taking a shower some minutes ago, and it felt as though more tears were coming out of my eyes, than water out of the shower faucet.

 

I simply cannot believe how much he deliberately hurt me.

 

Everything was said and done--he should have just left it alone; I wouldn't have contacted him to bother him any further, not out of pride and grace, but in attempt to save myself from any more additional sadness and pain. He should have left it as it was.

 

But no--he didn't. He had to see me again to tell me that he loved me and missed me. To give me that kiss. He had to. And for what? To ignore me and let me understand that what he did meant absolutely nothing to him, and that he could not care less whether it meant anything to me.

 

He doesn't love me. If he did, he wouldn't treat me this way.

 

He is no different than my parents--creatures that only know how to care for themselves.

 

He has hurt me many times before, but never like this. I can't do this anymore. I simply can't.

 

So, I will delete all of his contact information, put all of the things he gave me in a box and put it away, delete and block him from wherever possible, wish everyday that he moves away, and if he doesn't, I will be the one to put land between us.

 

I will disassociate myself from all of our mutual friends. I will call his mother and bid her farewell. I will do everything I can.

 

Whatever happens, it'll be up to him.

 

And that will most likely need to nothing, and well, that's okay.

[loveinlife]

Good luck to you the_alchemyst. It is a tough road ahead, I've already done all the things that you said you were going to do except blocking the number. I still want to keep some contact bc I still love her. But I guess I need to learn how to detach myself from someone who doesn't love me anymore. That is tough but I believe we'll be okay one day.

[swirly27]

So Alchemyst, did he just recently contact you again and tell you he missed you and loved you and gave you that kiss? What happened then, did he disappear again? Sorry that I am not caught up on your story. How long have you and him been broken up? At least what you are deciding to do now is for the best.....yet it hurts the most....well it doesn't hurt as much as the back/forth BS with an ex, but NC and ridding of everything hurts alot....but it is for the best! I have been NC now for a little over a month....it isn't like he is trying to contact me, haven't heard a thing from him.....but I haven't contacted him either since my one attempt phone call. Its hard and some of these days are just as hard if not harder then right in the beginning, but thats the cycle. IT SUCKS. BEST OF LUCK to to you because you deserve way better than someone wrestling your heart around like that!

[the_alchemyst]

Hey,

 

Thanks.

 

My story is all sort of f.ed up. Haha.

 

Pretty much: We've been doing this back and forth thing for over a year now. Lately it got worse. I broke up with him a little over a month ago, for what I thought was the real/final time. I told him I loved him still, but had too much going on (health, parents) to be able to bear this, and so I told him I would no contact him in any way, you know--not bother him.

 

And so I didn't.

 

But then my birthday rolled around and he sent me an email, telling me he had bought me something and wanted to give it to me. At first I said nothing, but then told him he could mail it instead, but he neglected.

 

I went to see him to pick it up and we ended up talking for a bit. I was totally uncomfortable, so I told him I was going to leave, but then he said he had ordered pizza, and asked me to stay.

 

And I did. Sigh. It was then when he told me all of these things. I ended up seeing him the next day and another day later on. He kept saying that he wanted to try again, and then all of sudden begins to ignore me and ends up sending me an email, telling me he loves me, but wants to be free.

 

Which translates to him wanting to party and get drunk.

 

So, I ask: WHY did he have to come back to screw me over like this? As I already told someone, with ALL of the crap that's going on, I was feeling like sh*t, yes, but I was moving along with the sun, you know?

 

And now it's like--wtf?

 

Sigh. I swear I'm going to get my name changed to "Sigh."

[magichands]

I will disassociate myself from all of our mutual friends. I will call his mother and bid her farewell. I will do everything I can.

I suggest that the only "action" required on your part is to get on with your life. (And don't let me hear you say you don't have one.) You are only fuelling your emotional fire with these sorts of thoughts.

He kept saying that he wanted to try again, and then all of sudden begins to ignore me and ends up sending me an email, telling me he loves me, but wants to be free.

Interesting how you can love someone, but not want to love them?? (In this context, at least.) I say he's full of sh*t.

I swear I'm going to get my name changed to "Sigh."

That blows.

[the_alchemyst]

Thanks, magic.

 

But another thing plagues me: How can I deal with this--you know, try to move on and let it all reside in the past, where it belongs, when he lives like 5 freaking minutes from me?

 

I feel like if I go out, even to the liquor store, I will see him/run into him, just like I have in the past, during our infamous little "break-ups." Every time that has happened, I have inevitably reverted to feeling like I'm back to the fresh pain.

 

Sigh.

 

How can I leave him behind when he is so close?

[magichands]

How can I leave him behind when he is so close?

I suggest you remember that someone who has rejected your heart no longer deserves your thoughts. Try to think of something else. Something good.

 

Like a lot of us, I guess you're obsessing about what might have been. It's not going to be like that - because you can't trust him.

 

The sooner you believe that you have it within you to reject his "silent" influence on your life, the sooner you will have done exactly that. (Sorry, I'm feeling too lazy to edit that fabulously redundant sentence.)

 

It's time to think a lot less about where you've been, and a lot more about where you are going. My best thoughts are with you.

[LaraV]

Interesting how you can love someone, but not want to love them?? (In this context, at least.) I say he's full of sh*t.

 

That blows.

 

Yep. I don't think that's possible, and if it is, and people can make such a weird choice, then...well, I don't think I'd want to have anything to do with them.

[LaraV]

Thanks, magic.

 

But another thing plagues me: How can I deal with this--you know, try to move on and let it all reside in the past, where it belongs, when he lives like 5 freaking minutes from me?

 

I feel like if I go out, even to the liquor store, I will see him/run into him, just like I have in the past, during our infamous little "break-ups." Every time that has happened, I have inevitably reverted to feeling like I'm back to the fresh pain.

 

Sigh.

 

How can I leave him behind when he is so close?

 

I have the exact same situation. He lives right in my same apartment complex - but as soon as I'm done with grad school, I am out of here and I hope to never EVER have to see him again.

 

Sometimes you need to put land between you to really move on. Is it at all possible for you to move?

[Ariadne]

Hey,

 

To give me that kiss.

 

Well, at least you got "that kiss"

 

And:

 

Everything was said and done--he should have just left it alone; I wouldn't have contacted him to bother him any further, not out of pride and grace, but in attempt to save myself from any more additional sadness and pain. He should have left it as it was.

 

You write so beautiful

 

Ariadne

[the_alchemyst]

I'm actually very taken on magic's last post; I loved it. In particular, I will opt to embrace these words said:

I suggest you remember that someone who has rejected your heart no longer deserves your thoughts.

 

Lara: I really feel that putting land between us would help a great deal. It would be as though I were departing myself from him, here in the real world, only to take perhaps the bittersweet memories of what once was, but never will be again. It'd be as though I would only deal with him and his silent presence in the abstract, and not the the physical world.

 

And well, the abstract may be a beautiful thought, but a thought only it is.

 

To me, it would be easier to deal with him in mind only, than both in mind and body, if that makes sense.

 

Alas, moving is not an option right now. If only I had money, maybe. Oh well.

 

Ariadne: I would have prefered to have not experienced that kiss. He took something so lovely and made it ugly.

 

And maybe I'm going to switch majors--to English. Yea. I'll become a sad and lonely poet or novelist, writing from the heart, in hopes to connect with another distraught heart. To write words of love and sadness, and how them sometimes seem to often intermingle--how once you have experienced one, you seem to will indubitably experience the other, as a result.

 

You know?

 

(Actually, no. I would suck. )

[Mollyanna]

I really feel that putting land between us would help a great deal.

Please take it from me, moving solves nothing. Someone one told me "wherever you go, there you are". I think it meant that you have the same problems no matter where you go. Moving somewhere new and not having a support system there will make it difficult for you to move on. You will spend too much time alone and obsessing on how you could have been happy with him by your side and feeling even more lonely because he is not and you have no one else to be with.

The last 2 breakups made me do drastic things. For one, I quit a job I was great at and really enjoyed because I had to see him every day. For the next, I moved 16 hours away. Now, I am going through another heartache and I see all the relationships ended so horribly for the same reason. No matter where I go, there I am...