IngenueMisnomer Posted September 11, 2006 Posted September 11, 2006 My MM has never claimed to be in a miserable M. Although we never talk about his M or W I am of the belief that he is in a generally good disposition and has no intention of ever leaving his W. I've wondered why then is he involved with me and I know it's not for sex because for a very long time we only had an EA. I came across an article where someone asked that question and the response helped somewhat to clarify this issue for me. So how many of you agree with the response and can relate to that with your own situation? ---------------------- Q. Can you be in love with two people at the same time? A. Many people believe love is so exclusive and unique that even entertaining the thought that you're in love with two people means you're not really in love with either. But that's not what I think. The idea that love has to be confined to only one person is a myth, plain and simple. The truth is, most of us don't want to entertain the possibility that our love can extend to two individuals at the same time, because it's scary to imagine such a confusing state of being. Alas, our hearts have a lot more capacity for affection than we give them credit for - or are brave enough to recognize. Think about it: We can love more than one of our children and parents at any given time, and appreciate each of them for his or her own special attributes. In the same way, different romantic partners offer different things. Let's say you meet someone who is loyal, totally smitten, and offers you personal and economic stability. His good heart and good intentions make you love him. He's what you want. But then you meet a poet. He is soulful, gifted, romantic and impractical. He's the epitome of every romance novel hero. You become friends, you're attracted to him, you dream of him at night. He's what you want. Impossible? No. Impractical? Yes. And that's why we try to figure out who's the "real" love of our life, so we can end the ambiguity. Of course, the answer might be that both people are "the real thing." Honestly, it's hard to find everything you want in one person. Two mates can be wonderful in completely different ways. Of course, if you love two different people, you don't have to act on it. Say you spot your old flame at your high school reunion and realize that the relationship embers still smolder. You, a happily married woman, are shocked at your reaction. Well, you needn't be. We hold a special place in our heart for first loves - the ones who got away. It doesn't say anything bad about your marriage; it says only that you had - and have - something special with someone from your past. You can acknowledge that and still be true to your vows. If you are deeply attached to more than one person, the real question is: Can you be happy just knowing your heart swells with so much love, or do you need to get involved with both individuals - a situation that is likely to prove explosive, even destructive? Your heart is powerful, but your mind can triumph. Once you understand your emotions, it's up to you to decide what to do about them.
scaredinlove Posted September 11, 2006 Posted September 11, 2006 Seeing all the sorrow my MM is goig thru now that his wife find out and knowing he loves me very much and knowing that he loves her too.I will have to say that it is possible that we can love two people at the same time.I never thought it possible.Probably the whole notion of exclusivity is wrong.I agree with the article.
Author IngenueMisnomer Posted September 11, 2006 Author Posted September 11, 2006 Seeing all the sorrow my MM is goig thru now that his wife find out and knowing he loves me very much and knowing that he loves her too.I will have to say that it is possible that we can love two people at the same time.I never thought it possible.Probably the whole notion of exclusivity is wrong.I agree with the article. When the MM is in love with both us (OW) and the W that just makes our situation all the more hopeless doesn't it? Pretty sad.
2sunny Posted September 11, 2006 Posted September 11, 2006 I do believe there are different ways and reasons to love a variety of people in the world. I come from a very big family, and I love them all - but on very different levels for a variety of reasons. I have a very best friend. I would give my life for her - she knows that. I know her feelings to be the same. My Mom and children hold a very different love in my heart than any others around me. That should go without any explanation... Yes, I do believe there are many ways and means to love the people we tend to surround ourselves with in life. I tend not to waste my time on the ones that aren't deserving...
consternation Posted September 11, 2006 Posted September 11, 2006 My personal opinion is, that when you are torn between two people, it means neither are right for you.
stoopid_guy Posted September 11, 2006 Posted September 11, 2006 My personal opinion is, that when you are torn between two people, it means neither are right for you. So, if you love both your sister and your SO and they don't get along, neither is right for you? Point being you can love people in more than one way. Lack of romantic interest doesn't mean lack of love. I have no romantic interest in my wife any more (or vice-versa,) but I still love her and care about her. I have three alternatives: 1) Give up on romance. 2) Leave my wife and daughter. Or, 3) Pursue something discreet "on the side." #1 is the least selfish, but #3 is very tempting, and I waffle about #2.
Guest Posted September 11, 2006 Posted September 11, 2006 I also agree you can love two people romantically at the same time. My husband and I practice polyamory. My husband and I get along famously and there's no lack of spark in the bedroom. His having a lover has nothing to do with a lack of feeling for me, and vice versa. I tend to be cautious and stable (which is important when you have kids) and his lover is a free spirited daredevil. The bond you form with every individual is unique because every personality is different.
Spinderella Posted September 11, 2006 Posted September 11, 2006 There comes a point in a relationship, that you do have to give up on the more romantic dreams, or the excitement that comes from new relationships. What you are doing is swapping one set of needs for another, and it really is up to you to decide which to prioritise. What tends to happen is that after a long period of marriage, the more comfortable aspects of the relationship get taken for granted, and the person may lose sight of the fact that the security of this long term relationship is a need of theirs. Once they have pursued an affair with another, and reawakened that excitement of new relationships and romance, simultaneously their primary relationship becomes threatened by the situation. All of a sudden the realisation of losing that secure relationship makes them realise that they have an emotional need for a strong committed relationship, they become nervous about being caught out. Sometimes the reality of losing the secure relationship takes a long time to hit them, sometimes it takes actually being caught for them to see this reality. Usually as a result of fulfilling both of these needs at once, they feel completed. They can have it all, and become reluctant to give up either. As in any normal relationship, with its usual feelings of longing and wondering how the other person feels and obsessing, these things also happen. They realise that the fact that they are also committed gives them a weaker hold on the new relationship. Both relationships are under threat. So the cheater tries in whatever way to hold on to both. there is no other way to do this than to lie to both partners of course. Even when there are no lies, there are still two sets of feelings for two different partners and each partner only gets to hear one set. So when you love two people, they are usually actually two different types of love. I don't know if you could say love two people in a deeply committed way simultaneously, or love two people in a first flush romantic kind of way simultaneously.
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