does this sound controlling?

[Guest]

hi there

 

if someone could clarify this situation it would really be appreciated! i have been with my boyfriend for 1.5 years, living together for 8 months now. he is a neat freak and i am messy (not dirty). According to my boyfriend i do things half-arsed. Another thing is that my boyfriend likes to try to tell me what to do all the time, such as cutting my toenails, getting my eyebrows waxed, not smoke so much etc.. My boyfriend is also on at me all the time about my 8 year old son (who lives with us), my son is a typical kid however i was a bit sloppy with discipline but my boyfriend has taken on a parental role now and tells my son what to do as well, such as cleaning room, listening when told to do something etc... (this has been a good thing) yet sometimes i resent him becasue he does it alllll the time and seems to take over my role sometimes as mother. He gets very uptight about certain things such as the state of the house and when he gets home from work it is almost like he is doing an inspection to see what has and hasnt been done in his abscence. i stopped working at his insistence to go back to college full-time so i am at home most of the time. He is working to support us. I feel a huge power imbalance just in that because i was always the provider for my son and myself (i worked full-time, whilst going to college full-time and was a single mum full-time). So this is all new to me as well. I love my partner and he is a really funny, loving, caring guy yet it is taking my a long time to adjust to him. We have both had really bad experiences in our llives, i went thru some of his while we were dating and he came good and i decided to give our relationship a shot because he had a lot of great qualities. However, i am still finding it hard to cope with a lot of his expectations. I call him a sargeant, major general because that is how he acts and he gets upset at this. When we fight, the arguments become lound and angry and he does a lot of name-calling and says nasty nasty things such as "your a nasty f##### slob etc..". He kicks and throws things like he is having a tantrum because i wont reason with him. In short, he has anger issues. Most of the time, we get on great, yet its all these bad times that are starting to dissolve my feelings for him. He has told me has a problem with his anger and he is a neat freak but we cant work on his problem because we dont know where to start. Does this relationship sound very troubled?

[superconductor]

Lemme get this straight:

 

You're a self-confessed mess and you're lax in discipline with your son who obviously needs some discipline. Then, after being fed up to the proverbial eyebrows with your lacadasical attitude, he calls you on it, you won't reason with him and he gets pissed off.

 

I'd be pissed off too.

 

Mind you, I'd draw the line at kicking and throwing things, but other than that, it seems to me that you're the one with the issue.

[whichwayisup]

Either way, this is an unhealthy situation for you all. Your son who gets to hear this guy treat his mother like crap - Swearing and throwing things at her. That's not good for him to see/hear. THAT is the biggest issue that you need to talk to your boyfriend about. Respect!

 

You two figure it out, together or break up. Compromise, learn how to help eachother and make it clear too, that YOU are the mother here, and he can give suggestions, help out your son, but NOT to boss him around. NOONE likes to be told wtf to do 24/7, yet, it does seem your son needs rules and boundries. ALL kids need a regular routine, something stable that gives them confidence and can make them feel safe. IN your house, it seems it's not onlly a mess visually, but emotionally too.

 

Think of how life will be like in 10 years with this man! Can you see it be as it is now? What can you both do to make things better, healthier? Maybe some couples counselling will help, learn how to communicate, respect and understand eachother without it getting into slinging matches and rude lanuguage used at eachother...Your son is watching and learning......

[Walk]

Mind you, I'd draw the line at kicking and throwing things, but other than that, it seems to me that you're the one with the issue.

You are being ignorant Superconductor. You picked out only ONE part, and disregarded everything else. And name calling and abusive language is OK now??? Gee, maybe that's the reason your relationship is down the tubes?

 

Guest: Out of curiousity, do you feel your bf's request are appropriate, or over the top? How clean are you talking about?? To the level where you could eat off the toilet its so clean, or just picking up the stuff off the floor, doing last nights dishes and overall just tidying up some?

 

I guess what I'm asking is, do you feel his request and expectations are reasonable? Or far above what you or anyone else could be expected to reach?

 

There were a lot of areas in your post that were huge red flags. One is the fact that he seems to have higher expectations than you're able to meet. Another is that he seems to feel he can dictate what you do with your own body. (ie. cutting toenails, eyebrows waxed etc) It's okay to suggest to your partner that they do something, but breaking things, and name calling is abusive and controlling.

 

I have a couple of suggestions, which may or may not help. Actually, my first suggestion is to leave now and never look back because I feel this will continue to escalate until he's beating you and your child.

 

But if you won't leave right now.. Ask him at a time when both of you are not upset, what his expectations of "clean" are. And then see if you can comprimise some areas with him. That you'll have the dishes and laundry (the major items) done but you feel having the floor spotless everyday is too much to expect. Give him a good idea of what you feel your capable of and willing to do, and attempt to find common ground with him. Ask him to write a list of what he expects done on what days. Or what is MOST important to him. Relate this to the environment when he comes home, meaning.. does he want an exhausted unhappy gf, or one who's happy and wants sex when he comes home?

 

During heated arguments, call a time out. State the rules though. Which are, both of you will take time to cool off. Whoever called the time out has to bring up the topic of concern again (can't just forget it exists).

 

When you start to feel as though he's "surveying" your work to see if it's up to par, don't automatically get defensive. It's hard not to when you feel like you're being unfairly judged, but try to keep a level head. YOU hold ultimate power in your life. If you choose to stay, then he needs to comprimse so that both of you can live together happily. Not just his way. Your happiness affects your childs.. so it is vitally important that you keep your cool and think rationally when you realize he's starting to get upset about something.

 

Don't get defensive. That feeling like you're backed into a corner and have to fight back... don't allow it to control you. Calmly and rationally state how you feel, and your thoughts. (ie. time didn't allow for it. Energy level, etc.) Take the emotion out as much as possible. He'll use your emotions to gain control. Take it away from him. If he won't discuss things rationally, then the moment you feel he's no longer "discussing things" with you, walk away. Tell him you are both to upset, you are calling a time out and when both of you cool off you can discuss it then. Then walk away. Take your child for a walk, go see a movie, or just into another room for a while. Give both of you space. When you feel both of you have cooled off enough, bring it back up. Tell him you would like to discuss his problem in a rational, adult way.

 

The moment he name calls, or throws something, walk away. Don't even attempt to discuss the problem because it's past discussing at that point. Its not worth your time (or things) to sit through his outburst. You will NOT resolve anything at that point. Tell him his behavior is out of control and you're going (somewhere) til he calms down enough to talk rationally. But do NOT sit there and try to keep talking to him!! You feed his behavior by staying there, you condon it, and you reinforce it.

 

IF, big if here... IF he honestly doesn't know how to argue effectively, and honestly wants to have a mutually beneficial relationship, then YOU have to set the ground rules on how both of you will treat each other while upset. You can't call him names, or resort to throwing things either. You have to communicate why you are ending the argument (his behavior or both of you are too upset at that time), and you have to be willing to back up your statements with action. You also have to treat his problems with respect. Ask him questions on what he expects, find areas where both of you can comprimise, be willing to give a little more if you feel he's willing to give a little more. He's probably feeling resentful that you "seem" to have tons of time on your hands and nothing was done. He may not understand how difficult classes are for you. Validate his feelings as much as possible, but also reinforce that college is time consuming outside of class, and it IS a full time job.

 

Last thought.. You might not ever convince him that it's a full time job (school). YOU have to decide if you want your child to grow up in this environment, decide if this is what makes you happy, and if your bf will ever be the whole person you wish him to be. He may have great parts... but it's the WHOLE person who makes a great bf, not just a few parts. If you see his behavior escalate even the tiniest bit, grab your child and go.. forever. Don't look back.

 

There are also plenty of programs through universities to help single mothers. Both monetarily, and emotionally. Talk to your counselor at school about what programs they have. Go to www. fafsa. ed. gov , This could allow you to get grants and loans so that you are entirely dependent on your bf, and if things got to bad for you down the road you would have the money to get a new place to live, and enough to make it until you can either get a job, or graduate.

 

You have a lot of options available to you, so don't feel that you are trapped or you have to stay. If you need some ideas on where to look for assistance, I'd be happy to help. Just ask.

 

Good luck. And I hope you continue to stick with college. I'm in the same boat you are with returning to college after an extended time away. But I think it's the best thing you can do for yourself and your child.

[superconductor]

Walk;

 

Maybe you missed this part:

 

He kicks and throws things like he is having a tantrum because i wont reason with him.

 

Does that sound like Guest is interested in solving the problem?

 

I agree, absolutely, that name-calling and so forth is out of line. But both parties have to take responsibility for their actions.

[Walk]

Walk;

 

Maybe you missed this part:

 

He kicks and throws things like he is having a tantrum because i wont reason with him.

 

Does that sound like Guest is interested in solving the problem?

 

I agree, absolutely, that name-calling and so forth is out of line. But both parties have to take responsibility for their actions.

 

 

Why don't you ask her what her idea of "won't reason with him" is??? You're assuming he's rational and healthy, and she gets in a tizzy because he said the floor was a little dirty. What if he's screaming at her and throwing things, telling her it's all her fault because SHE WON'T REASON with him? Meaning, she won't do exactly as he says, when he says it, and no "excuse" is good enough. What if his expectations are unreasonable??? SHould she reason with him?

 

Stop assuming everyone is just like you.

[Walk]

What I'm saying is.. my bf gets pissed when I "won't reason with him" because he's making unreasonable demands. I won't allow him to cross my boundaries, and he throws a tantrum. Did I cause the problem? No. Was I unreasonable? To him, yes.

[superconductor]

What if his expectations are unreasonable??? SHould she reason with him?

Yes, she should. Clearly, this couple has two different ideas about housekeeping and child-rearing. The only way that they will be able to come together as a couple on these is through reason and common sense.

 

Again, to repeat, both parties have to take responsibility for their actions.

 

my bf gets pissed when I "won't reason with him" because he's making unreasonable demands. I won't allow him to cross my boundaries, and he throws a tantrum.

 

Exactly my point. If he doesn't know what these "boundaries" are, or what you think is "unreasonable," then there's bound to be fireworks. Obviously, however, throwing tantrums is not, of course, the best way to discuss these things.

[Spinderella]

If he is to live with you, he has to accept you as you are. If he wants to be a neat freak, thats fine, but then he should make sure things are as he likes them himself, within reason of course. Do you think that maybe you are not doing as much as he wishes because you are trying to retain your independence in some way? I only ask because you mentioned that you were having problems with handing over the control of finances to him. Perhaps you feel that this is your way of keeping a control on some area of your life.

[superconductor]

If he is to live with you, he has to accept you as you are.

Well, yes and no.

 

Yes, each should accept the other fully and completely, but each also has to make an effort to integrate their lifestyles and personalities as they create the relationship.

 

Every relationship demands consideration, compromise and communication. Both parties have to work at it, in managing their expectations of the other and not purposefully baiting their partner.

[Walk]

Yes, she should. Clearly, this couple has two different ideas about housekeeping and child-rearing. The only way that they will be able to come together as a couple on these is through reason and common sense.

 

Again, to repeat, both parties have to take responsibility for their actions.

 

Exactly my point. If he doesn't know what these "boundaries" are, or what you think is "unreasonable," then there's bound to be fireworks. Obviously, however, throwing tantrums is not, of course, the best way to discuss these things.

 

I'm not understanding, Superconductor. He tells her how to look, and tries to control her behavior (smoking). He calls her names, and throws things (this is ****ing scary if you've ever been in that situation), and you feel this is still HER fault??

 

he is a neat freak and i am messy (not dirty). According to my boyfriend i do things half-arsed

 

If she were a "self-confessed" slob, then I would agree. But she didn't say that. She said she wasn't as big a neat freak as her boyfriend. And she didn't say she does things half assed... she said that's what he boyfriend thinks. A woman who is willing to go back to school full time is not Lazy. That's a full time job. Plus raising a child?? So, he works 40 hours a week, and expects her to not only put in her 40 at school, but raise a child, AND keep his house spotless??? I call that Unreasonable.

 

How should she reason with him?? He should KNOW, should already know that she has her hands full. How the hell would you suggest she convince him that she really doesn't have more time and energy to put into making his house spotless for his inspection? Maybe you could give some suggestions on ways she could approach that conversation? Or ideas on how to comprimise with him? Thoughts? Anything. But you'd rather condem her and place the blame on her.

[superconductor]

Her: We've obviously got different ideas about child-raising and housework.

 

Him: Yes, we obviously do. You're a slob.

 

Her: Name calling doesn't help. Now, are you interested in getting to the bottom of this, or are you just going to criticize me all the time?

 

Him: I criticize because the place is a mess and your child is running amok.

 

Her: I'll repeat; are you interested in getting this resolved?

 

Him: *exasperated sigh* OK.

 

Her: I put in a full work week, and by the time I get home, I'm exhausted. I just don't have the energy to keep the place up to your standards.

 

Him: I put in a full week too, and I don't appreciate coming home to a messy place. It pisses me off, because then I have to clean it up.

 

Her: That's no good, because I don't want you to be pissed off, and I don't want to be upset either. Home should be a place of peace and contentment, not a battlezone. Would you agree?

 

Him: Yes, of course. It just pisses me off that the place always looks like a hurricane came through.

 

Her: I understand your frustration. How about we sit down and work up some sort of division-of-labour schedule or something like that? And if I try harder to keep the place looking decent - with your help, of course - I need you to try harder to be less critical. We both have to work on this.

 

Him: OK.

 

 

There. Now that's not so tough, is it?

 

(BTW... you'll notice in my posts that I said that both parties have to be involved in finding a resolution, without condemning anyone.)

[Spinderella]

Well, yes and no.

 

Yes, each should accept the other fully and completely, but each also has to make an effort to integrate their lifestyles and personalities as they create the relationship.

 

Every relationship demands consideration, compromise and communication. Both parties have to work at it, in managing their expectations of the other and not purposefully baiting their partner.

 

Yes which is why I said "within reason".

It does sound to me that guest is trying to retain some independence and control over her life. On the other hand, her boyfriend told her to give up work and keep the house up to his standards instead, therefore I do not see any indication of compromise on his part. He has essentially outlined the way things are to be if he is to live with them, and if she does not comply he gets stroppy. It is not any wonder then that she would try to keep some things within her control.

[superconductor]

Well, clearly if they had come to an agreement that she'd keep the place decent while he supports her, then she reneged on that agreement, it's no wonder that he's upset.

 

The tantrums, as childish as they are, probably have less to do with the house being a mess than they are about mismatched expectations.

[Spinderella]

So she communicates by being stubborn, and he communicates by having tantrums, so neither are communicating effectively with each other. Why then is it only she the one with the issue, as you previously stated?

[superconductor]

So she communicates by being stubborn, and he communicates by having tantrums, so neither are communicating effectively with each other. Why then is it only she the one with the issue, as you previously stated?

From how I see it (and I'm certainly willing to be wrong here, because we're only getting one side of the story), the issues start about the messy house. That's the trigger. And that's under her control. If the house is tidy, there's no trigger for the issue.

 

Again, to re-iterate, they both have to come to some sort of workable solution as a couple and not as two independent egos.

[blind_otter]

Being neater will help with your mental health. It sounds to me like you're mildly depressed, at thechange in circumstances. And he sounds like he is frustrated and is reaching a breaking point.

 

I've been with controlling men, and this ain't it. IME controlling men want to control you as a person - they want you to become an extension of themselves.

 

But I see no problem with expecting you to clean the house and cook and maintain the home, if you are going to school. Going to school is not a full time job. I went through college, paid for everything myself, and had 1-2 jobs the whole time I was in school. Classes are only for a small portion of the day.

 

And after a while, yeah, it does get old to be supporting someone financially and come home to a sloppy house. Or to deal with someone else's poorly disciplined child. I've had that experience, it's not fun. Especially when the parent doesn't ahve a good idea of what they need to do consistently -- because EVERYONE who lives in the house with an undisciplined child suffers. Not just the parent. IMO a good parent is conscious of how their child's behavior affects those around them.

 

I think of it like this -- everyone, no matter what, has to work for the house they live in and the food they eat. EVERYONE. If you don't work outside the home, then your job becomes managing the household, and you take some of the burden off the shoulders of the one who IS working.

 

I think both of you need to work on communicating your expectations CLEARLY, and working out a conflict management strategy that doesn't involve immature outbursts or shutting your partner out.

 

And I think you both need to sit down and write out a list of what you expect from YOURSELVES, and from EACH OTHER. Then sit down and share your lists, and go over the details without hurting each other.

[serial muse]

hi there

 

if someone could clarify this situation it would really be appreciated! i have been with my boyfriend for 1.5 years, living together for 8 months now. he is a neat freak and i am messy (not dirty). According to my boyfriend i do things half-arsed. Another thing is that my boyfriend likes to try to tell me what to do all the time, such as cutting my toenails, getting my eyebrows waxed, not smoke so much etc.. My boyfriend is also on at me all the time about my 8 year old son (who lives with us), my son is a typical kid however i was a bit sloppy with discipline but my boyfriend has taken on a parental role now and tells my son what to do as well, such as cleaning room, listening when told to do something etc... (this has been a good thing) yet sometimes i resent him becasue he does it alllll the time and seems to take over my role sometimes as mother. He gets very uptight about certain things such as the state of the house and when he gets home from work it is almost like he is doing an inspection to see what has and hasnt been done in his abscence. i stopped working at his insistence to go back to college full-time so i am at home most of the time. He is working to support us. I feel a huge power imbalance just in that because i was always the provider for my son and myself (i worked full-time, whilst going to college full-time and was a single mum full-time). So this is all new to me as well. I love my partner and he is a really funny, loving, caring guy yet it is taking my a long time to adjust to him. We have both had really bad experiences in our llives, i went thru some of his while we were dating and he came good and i decided to give our relationship a shot because he had a lot of great qualities. However, i am still finding it hard to cope with a lot of his expectations. I call him a sargeant, major general because that is how he acts and he gets upset at this. When we fight, the arguments become lound and angry and he does a lot of name-calling and says nasty nasty things such as "your a nasty f##### slob etc..". He kicks and throws things like he is having a tantrum because i wont reason with him. In short, he has anger issues. Most of the time, we get on great, yet its all these bad times that are starting to dissolve my feelings for him. He has told me has a problem with his anger and he is a neat freak but we cant work on his problem because we dont know where to start. Does this relationship sound very troubled?

 

 

yeah, you know, the OP doesn't sound scared of her BF to me (i could be wrong, obviously); to me, the post reads as she's got a passive-aggressive, i-won't-do-it-just-cause-you-want-me-to thing going on. she resents her BF imposing discipline on her son, though she acknowledges some discipline is a good idea. yeah, sounds like he has anger and control issues - but she's also responding passive-aggressively. what she said about resenting him for taking on the "parent" role encapsulates this, i think. now she's digging in her heels to assert her authoritah.

 

also, she says she stopped working at his "insistence" so she could go to school full time. which is fine, if both parties agreed - but then i wonder why, if she feels that the balance of power is upset and she's losing the parent role to him, she wouldn't choose to step up and assume that share of the power (both taking charge of the house and taking charge of her kid) rather than passively resenting him for doing all of it. doesn't seem like he even wants to, so i guess i don't get it.

 

i think the conversation superconductor laid out earlier sounds perfectly reasonable. you both need to work on how to communicate effectively. right now it's just like batting a ball back and forth.

[Walk]

Maybe it's just to foreign for me to understand.. but why would a person start a thread in which they place a majority of the blame on themselves. (ie: she's messy, she doesnt' reason with him, she doesnt' disciplin her child very well) and his only problem is that he throws things and calls her names?? I agree that it sounds as if there isn't a problem. Just pick up the house, and step up as the parent. And work on being less passive aggressive. Easy to solve..

 

I'm just not buying that it's HER as much as she says it's her. I think, and so far everyone else is saying I'm wrong, that his demands could very well be above reasonable and she's attempting to convince herself that it's HER fault and she's to blame. Because those are things that can be fixed. If she's just lazy, then she can work harder, do more. But if its really him... then she has to face the fact that she can't ever make him happy, and potentially she loses everything she has. her relationship, her home, no money, no job...

 

I'm hearing a lot of self-condeming statements from her, that make me think that if it were so simple as to just pick up the house and take on a stronger role with her child that she would do it. So what stops her? Passive aggression?? Well, maybe.. but I'm wondering if it goes deeper than that. How much control did she have in the decision for her to stop working. She said she was working full time and going to school full time. Who wanted her to quit her job? Both of them? Or just him? At what point is it her obligation to clean the house to his satisfaction if she feels she didn't have much say in her life choices?

 

Is she able to clean the house to his satisfaction? What level of discipline is she talking about with her child? Are there other factors present that she didn't originally talk about in her first post? Areas that cause her concern?

 

Like I said.. majority says she's just lazy and passive aggressive. I think there's more going on then she's saying. She doesn't sound lazy to me. She sounds frustrated that she can't do things up to par for him, depressed, and feeling like she's losing control of her life. People who have worked full time, while taking classes full time and still being a full time mom are NOT lazy in my book. So why is she attempting to cast herself in the light of "woman who does nothing all day and can't bother to discipline her own child"... why would someone post that if they honestly thought it was true?

[blind_otter]

Maybe it's just to foreign for me to understand.. but why would a person start a thread in which they place a majority of the blame on themselves. (ie: she's messy, she doesnt' reason with him, she doesnt' disciplin her child very well) and his only problem is that he throws things and calls her names?? I agree that it sounds as if there isn't a problem. Just pick up the house, and step up as the parent. And work on being less passive aggressive. Easy to solve..

 

Ultimately, this is all you have to work with, Walk. Everything else is pure speculation. If you were a therapist, dealing with a client with these issues, initially all you can advice is for her to attend to her own behavior and her own choices.

 

If her BF were seeking help about the situation jointly, or if he were seeking help independently, then you could move more into this very speculative examination of the deeper underlying issues but at this point, this is not a good idea.

 

Like anyone, the OP needs to focus primarily on herself, in this situation.

[hotpickles]

hi its me (the guest who posted this thread) wow thanx for all the replies, most of them helped clarify the situation for me. I think that because my boyfriend and I have had bad relationships in the past and this is his first 'real' 'normal' relationship and mine also, that neither of us know what we are doing half the time except to go with how we feel and how we are used to acting. I am learning a lot about communication and he is also. We have agreed to go to counselling just to learn how to communicate. There were a few suggestions that i am acting passively aggressively and my behaviour would suggest that. My boyfriend is aggressive and i guess when you put the two together there is no happy medium without professional help. The biggest thing to come out of this is that both of us want to try and see if we can work this out or walk away before it gets too hard. One breakthrough was today he rang me from work and said he was thinking about our situation and he felt that he took me for granted. I replied that i thought i took him for granted also. So i guess it is all a learning curve....

Thank you all for spending the time to comment on my predicament lol