Newly Separated - Need Advise - New

[lazagnaxo]

Hi,

I have been married for 17 years and have just separated from my husband. We have been together for 22 years and have 3 children. I am the one that asked for a separation because he is verbally abusive to all of us. It is very hard because he is now acting like a very different man and thinks that he is single. He abused us and I asked him to go to councelling and he refused so the best option for the kids and myself is to ask for a separation so we could end the abuse. Now since we are separated he is now punishing me because of it. He also says that he is abusive just to me and that he doesn't do this to anyone else. He blames me for this. But he was doing this since he was a kid. (we live in the same house now until our house is sold). When he is home he just picks up his gym bag and leaves for 6 hours and comes back home late from work. I love my kids dearly but I am always left alone with them. There is no break for me. Like I said I am sure that he is punishing me. He also doesn't realize the hurt that he has caused in all of us. The silly thing is, is that I still love him. I am happy because we will be free of him soon. But I now feel so lonely. I just wish he would of gone to councelling. Need help in letting go?? Thanks

[ddw5195]

you know I am in the same thing you are in and it does not get any worse than the mental abuse. there were times I wished he would just whoop me with the stick and be done with it than to go through the mental abuse:( I am not out of my marrage but it is a one sided deal. I am in a spot that I am the one that is in love with him and he does not love me back. he says I am fat and nasty and that he is not attracted to me anymore and that he loves me but I need to lose weight and all this garbage. well for the men that reads this let me tell you know I did lose weight for him and it still did not matter. I only weigh 150 pounds and 10pounds of that is top heavy. I know you are lonley and I Know how you feel. however let me tell you that you are stronger than most of us. you have finaly broke free of the hurt and pain now it is just copeing with the loss. you are so strong and probly dont relize it. how old are the children? if they are not old enough to stay by themselves find a baby sitter and go out with the girls. dont do anything silly like mess around with another man, that needs to wait till you are divorced. for one that is something he can through at the judge that you were cating around. you need to write all the tings he is doing and keep a journel of it that whay you go to court you will have it. also you can get the records by you lawer of how and when he is going to the gym nad you are left taking care of the kids. he is looking for a reaction out of you because that is his only way of defending what he has done and to not cope that he has a problem. log when you are by yourself and all the dates and times like exzample. today he left the house at what ever time did not return till this time and you need to do this till it is final. cover yourself. also keep you head up cause there is some of us who sees that nothing will ever change but to scared to doing anything about it. you just past the major mile stone by asking for the seperation and when you are married for that time he probley is going out and skirting around cause he is "free man" but listen, if you have done everything in your power to make the marrage work and you have loved him anyway it is to love then you will be the one to provel. even though he is doing what he is doing it is a way to get at you to make it even as they say. just smile and be nice and just do what you need to for you and the kids and when it comes around to him it will slap him hard and then and only then will he relize what he has lost and it may be to late. you know the old saying goes if you love something set it free, it will come back if it was ment to be. in your case you may have moved on by then. just keep your head up!!! know tha you are stronger than you know and place God in your life make him first and he will lead you through!! it will be so overwhelming I cant image what you are feeling but you got it girl take it and run with it!!! your lonleyness wil last a while but just pour all the lonleyness into your children you will find peace with in them, rember they are probly feeling the same as you. hope I help!!

[Lor]

Of course he blames you--better than blaming himself right?? Just like the spouse beating the other spouse cuz they didn't have supper waiting, so its their fault they are lying bleeding and crying on the kitchen floor.....think about it.

 

Emotional abuse is worse or on par with physical abuse and can be just as damaging. Don't blame yourself, praise yourself for finally breaking the cycle. Let him be nasty, you don't have to put up with it anymore. do you really honestly truely love being with someone like him or are you only lonely and starting a new life, scared to move on, not knowing what's ahead and with him its predictable? You are happy--keep ahold of that. Once you are free of him, you will find peace and happiness and so it will even be easier for you to be the only one taking care of the kids. Will he be doing visitation? Can you find things to do with other friends who have kids, too? Get your parents to babysit? There are so many options! Shut this door and get ready to open all sorts of new ones.

[lazagnaxo]

Thank you so much !! It is so hard. He was up to his tricks again so I told him to move out. Now he is gone and I am dyeing inside. Why does he have to be this way...We have 3 children 16, 14 and 8. Anyways, I have to be strong for my kids and myself. Thanks again !!

[Lor]

You're only dying inside right now, if you let yourself. 3 kids...so do I. My father was emotionally abusive--does that mean I didn't love him? Nah, but would have more if he hadn't been. Your kids are at a good age to understand. and whats more, you now have the oportunity to teach them that that kind of behavior is NOT acceptable! No one should have to live with any kind of abuse.

 

Doesn't it feel good to get up each day, knowing that you don't have to face that torment? It'll take you some time to trust again and to accept that not all people are like that, that there are honestly good people out there in the world.

 

Okay, you're kids are old enough to watch each other for a few hours. Now is time for Mom to go out and do something for herself! Its time for the little things, a new shirt, a haircut, a walk alone, going to dinner with a friend.....time to start living a new life!! Be a little selfish--it does wonders for you.

[lazagnaxo]

Thank you so much for all your support. I guess I have to take it one day at a time. Cried until 4 am last night. It is so damn hard. It's the playing of the games that hurt so much. We still live together until the house is sold so I can't wait.

 

Thanks a million !!

[Lor]

You can cry till 6 am if you want. Its called Grieving and we've all done it. Nothing hurts worse except the death of a loved one than the death of a marriage, no matter what the reasons. I know you would rather have him in your life than not but if he won't make the effort to see his faults.....well, then there's nothing you can do. Some men do make the effort--check out pwsx3 (think that's it?) threads. He sounds like your stbX but he has seen he was wrong. I mention this to show you that not all controlling, cruel men will never try to change. But if your H won't even try to see then you are much better off without him.

 

and IMO, no father figure but a good mother figure is better than an abusive father/husband figure.

 

you don't need to thank us--we've all been there so we do understand, which is why we want to help others, too. These people on here saved my sanity and my life, too.

[PWSX3]

First off welcome to this website it has helped me out so much and I'm just a beginner myself.

Yes I'm the guy that is like your husband but the difference is I see what I was doing wrong and I'm trying to change, sure it's for our relationship "if" that happens but more important for "me" and my son.

The last two weeks before the W moved out we lived together and it was hard on both of us. Sure I didn't want her to go but everyone told me there was nothing I could do if she wanted the separation.

 

Is there anyone (friends, family) that you could move in with just so you can get away from your H?

Even though I didn't want the W to move out now that she is out it is giving me time to think and look at myself. Sure I love her but right now I can't work on that part, I have to work on "me" and having to be by myself is making me look at things differently.

I really feel sorry for you having to still be with him if that isn't what you want but like Lor said you need to look out for you & your kids....

And as for crying I hope it's ok because yes I'm a big guy and I have cried many of nights especially after seeing how my behavior has really hurt someone I love.

Anyway good luck and yes you will be fine. Think positive and know whatever happens you will be a better person once it's all over.

We may never know why we have to go thru this in our lives but I feel things happen for a reason.

Hang around here and you will get a lot of good advice I know I have!!!!

[lazagnaxo]

Yes I am so glad that I am here and getting great support. PWSX3 I am so happy for you that you did understand what you did and is acknowleding it. My H really thinks that he is not the problem that it is everyone else. He has been doing this for 30 years. I am just so surprised with myself that one side wants me him to stay and work it out and the other wants him to leave. I guess being with someone for 22 years could do that. Like I said above I can't believe who he is anymore. I asked for the separation because of the abuse now he is punishing me by leaving the house whenever he wants. Doesn't even ask me if I have somewhere to go. No care in the world for anyone else. I can't believe someone would want to hurt someone so bad. Exceptionally one that you have spent most of your life with and had 3 kids. He is at a conference now. He left Monday and it is now Thursday and he has called only once. I wish that I could move out but I do daycare in my home so that is not an option right now. Our house is for sale so things will be rolling along. I like what you said that things happen for a reason!! I am starting to believe that. Thanks!

[PWSX3]

Well I can see his point a little because I didn't realize what I was doing until the H started talking about a trial separation and I had emailed a friend and she really told it to me straight. Then I came here and told my story and got it again from a4a but that is what it took for me to see it.

I guess it's kind of like a alcohilic or a smoker, they don't see they have a problem and you can tell them a hundred times but until they see it for themselves there is nothing you can do except take care of yourself.

We had gone to consoling before for the same thing but even with consoling I never saw it. When the W would tell me what was bothering her in consoling I would defend myself and always find a reason why it wasn't me.

I wrote down something that I found on line and it said; when they do point out a area in your life where they have been hurt by something you said; don't get defensive even if you don't agree with what they are saying. Accept the fact that somehow it DID hurt them and find out why it hurt them.

That is something I would have never done but when we go back to consoling you know I'll be listening with both ears this time.

 

If you husband doesn't see it I don't think there is much you can do at this time except take care of yourself. Like I said I'm new at this and learning everyday so I don't have much help except to kind of share things I am learning. Yes a person that is controlling doesn't know that they are doing it or at least I didn't. Sounds like most people that are controlling don't want to change or at least I can't find much help on the subject on line.

 

Good luck and I guess in your case a separation might be the best option at least for a while until your H sees the light and if he doesn't you don't need to be in a relationship like you are in now.

[lazagnaxo]

Well What a great night i had. My H came in from his 4 day conference. We talked, we fought, then we talked again. The talking was ok. But the fighting sucked. He keeps saying that for 10 years our marriage didn't work because we could never talk and that we didn't have relations (we did but not as often as he wanted). But what I was trying to explain to him was that the verbal abuse he gave to me is a big reason why. But he really can't understand that. He just gives me a funny face. He told me 50 times this evening how he hates to come home and hates being here and now he is gone to sleep somewhere and I don't know where. He also told me that he was sick of me telling him to move out but I tried to explain to him that I wanted him to stop playing these mind games with me that I didn't want to play. (secretive phone calls, coming in late during the week from work or the gym and on weekends he would just take off for hours) People have asked me if I thought that he was having an affair and i said "How would I know?" and of course I asked him and he said no. I have also talked to some friends of his and they said no too they didn't think that he was the type. I guess i'll never know. I am so mixed up. Right now I feel so hurt that he is gone but I know that is exactly what he wants because he told me he doesn't like it here. One question: Why would he not like it here if he is the one that abused us?

Maybe it is me I guess. I told him if he would of gone to see someone and maybe both of us we could of solved this problem. I told him lots of people go to marriage councelling but he never wanted to go. Since he was a kid. Boy did I ever waste years of my life. The only benefits I have with him is my 3 beautiful children. Thanks !!

[lazagnaxo]

Hi, My weekend wasn't the greatest. My H slept out on Friday night and then I slept out on Saturday night and then he slept out on Sunday night.

What a roller coaster. The problem I am having is that on Sunday he was acting like a family man to all of us. We even went over to our friends house for supper which we shouldn't of done. That was a killer because I thought that he would come home but he went to sleep at his friends house. One question maybe someone could help me with is that - If I asked for the separation because of the abuse he was giving us why am I having such a hard time with this? I am dyeing inside. Funny thing is, is that he abused us and he is walking around like my big shot telling my friends to take care of me and stay close. I would of never asked for this if he wouldn't of been abusive. I can't believe that he thinks he did nothing wrong. Thanks

[Gunny376]

Because its entirely possible, probable to fall in love, and to be in love with the very one person on the planet that is the worse person for you mentally, physically, pyschologically, emotionaly.

 

On Dr. Phil today there was a woman that was in love with the man that killed ~murdered her best friend ~ her brother! For $30!

[Lor]

Nice pic if that's you. and if it is, you've got a lot going for you!

 

You asked why he wouldn't like it with you and your family if he was the one who abused you.....maybe its cuz you are fighting back which takes away a lot of the fun and power for an abuser.

 

He's trying to make himself look like a good guy with your friends. Just like the person who holds their SO hand in the emergency room after giving them a black eye. He doesn't want them to see the bad side of him, the mean side. He wants their pity and their sympathy, too.

 

You are hurting and feeling like you're dying because a part of your life is dying. That's not unnatural and totally understandable. It doesn't make you weak, it doesn't make you look like a fool. Its all part of the process.

[lazagnaxo]

Yup that's me, the happy side! LOL. My H came over last night because he was concerned about me. Like I said above we went to our friends house and it was so hard being a family and knowing that at night he was going to his friends house. The next day He texted me on my cell to come over and talk. When he came in he started crying and hugging me saying that he wants to take all the pain and hurt from me. That he doesnt want me to hurt. Well hello if he would just go to councelling we could probably fix this and be a family. He also said that he doesnt know what to do because he doesnt want to reconcile then we fight again. He says he hates hurting me and the kids. Wake up Call !! Of course this morning he left with his gym bag full and is probably staying at his friends house. I just wish he wouldnt make this all about him. He was the one that abused us and we asked him to get help. He told my daughter that he lives there now but told me when I asked him if his friend would miss him he said "no he told me to come when I need too". There could be so many different things going on but I hate it when friends say that he must be having an affair. Which Pisses me off! NOT every man does that. Our problem in the beginning wasn't an affair it was abuse. He also told his best friend that he just goes there to sleep because I don't want him home. But you never know but I hope not. I would just love to ask him to come home and be a family but that's crazy I guess! Thanks !!

[Lor]

You look great and hopefully have more happy sides than down soon.

 

It sounds like he's been thinking, maybe even a little, but that he's no where near ready to see the hurt and pain he's caused over the years. And nothing will change until his eyes are opened to what he has done to his family. did you suggest counselling again? probably said no anyway. at least you are able to stand your ground and are not giving an inch. If he were to attempt to change, would you take him back?

 

The secretive phone calls do make it sound like an OW.....but you never know. and no, not all separations/divorces happen because of someone else thrown into the mix.

 

you sound like you're hanging in there, which is great. keep your chin up and let us know how things are going.

[D-Lish]

Man, I just read your post. Pretty pic too.

 

You're in a tough spot. You love this man, but he is abusive. The best thing to do would be to walk away... but it's never as easy as that. I've loved an abusive man before, and all it ever did was make me feel worse about myself.

 

When my husband and I split (he wasn't abusive) we had to live in the same house until we sold. That was a killer time for me. You just don't get over anything until the process of moving away from one another is over. I didn't really begin the process of grieving until we were living in seperate places and stopped seeing each other every day.

 

I think you have to stand strong on the "no counselling, no reconciliation" matter at hand. People just don't change without help- even if they want to. However, wanting to is a step in the right direction.

 

If he's serious about staying together- then he'll go to counselling.

Good luck!

Dee