WAR, dammit! :)

[Teacher's Pet]

On one side....

 

TP, a 35yr old sales rep/bartender from Northern New Jersey. Five-foot-eight, weighing in at NONE OF YOUR DAMNED BUSINESS!

 

Dressed in blue jeans and his "Ugly Bass Player" T-Shirt and white sneakers......

 

On the other side....

 

L, a 34yr old something or other/cashier from the next town over in Northern New Jersey. About five-foot-nine, weighing in at, well, a LOT less than TP, with gorgeous eyes, a cute round butt, and all the other "accoutrements" one finds on a cute woman.....

 

The battlefield..... The local bar.

 

The weapons..... Coors Lite, Jose Cuervo, Remy Martin, Bacardi, and Russian Qualuudes.

 

I first met her while tending bar last weekend. She came in with her roomate (semi-single attractive female we'll now refer to as "K")......At the time, the bar was quiet, so of course, being the professional trained bartender/single horny guy that I am, I gave them extra attention, even buying them a couple of rounds.

 

About 3 hours later, K left to meet her boyfriend (I think?), leaving L at the bar. L continued to drink, but under my watchful eye, I kept her within a reasonable level of awareness.

 

L and I talked on and off throughout the evening. She works in some kind of office, and part time as a cashier. I commiserated with her, being in a similar predicament. We talked, and became very friendly.

 

She asked me for quarters for the jukebox, and proceeded to put on several very cool metal tunes (after I told her I was a metalhead), and she began dancing at the jukebox, resembling a vixen of an old 80's metal video..... I was quite impressed.

 

At about 1am or so, the manager and I silently agreed to cut her off, as she seemed like she had a bit much. She chilled out at the bar, and I asked her how she was getting home. She had no ride. I told her that if she could wait until I closed up (about 3:30), I'd be happy to take her home (she lives only a few blocks from me, actually).

 

The bar started to get busy, so she wandered outside, but I was able to keep an eye on her. The manager asked me if I knew how she was getting home, and I told him I'd take her, but by then, she had hitched a ride with one of the regulars. A decent guy, so I knew she was ok.

 

Of course, I really wanted to take her home. She was sweet, VERY attractive, and a good conversationalist (while sober). We even exchanged dating stories and had some laughs.

 

The manager saw in my eyes how dissapointed I was that she left without me, but told me that she's a regular, so I'll see her again......

 

The next day (Labor Day), I was off, so I decided to hang out at the bar, instead, as a paying (well, not really) customer. An older gentleman was at the bar, and recognized me as one of the bartenders, so he bought me a drink and invited me to sit down and chat.

 

He was there the night before, and saw me talking to L. He said he knew I liked her, and he knew her from seeing her at the bar. He encouraged me to "go for it" with her, and even said he'd put in a good word for me.

 

She didn't show that night, but I had a great time watching the baseball game with the crowd. Yankees had a 10-run 8th inning to pound the Royals. Good stuff.

 

Fast forward to tonight.....

 

Tonight was the first night the bar featured live music. I thought it would be cool to check it out, knowing a few of my friends would be there.

 

Guess who else? L and K. They invited me to sit with them, and I bought them a round of drinks, then they started buying me drinks...then the bartender on duty bought me drinks....etc...etc.....

 

L got up to talk to one of her friends across the bar. K looked at me. "You like her, don't you?" Slightly embarrassed, but now rather curious, I said yes. "She needs a good man. She likes a guy, but he doesn't give her the time of day. She really needs a good man in her life. How about the 3 of us just chill out after we get out of here tonight. I don't know if 'anything will happen', but we'll party a little more, ok?" I told K that yes, I do like L, and would love to go out with her. She said, well, we'll exchange numbers, we'll hang out, ok?"

 

The 3 of us drank until about 1am, when K's "boyfriend" (can't really tell) joined us, and we took turns buying rounds. He recognized me as one of the bartenders there, so we became chummy.

 

K's man left to talk to some of his friends, and L went to the ladies' room. K said to me "She likes you. I don't know if she just means as friends or whatever, but she wants you to come back to our place and hang out after here, you wanna?"

 

Then it happened.

 

Like in so many movies, my Angel and my Devil appeared on my shoulders.

 

Devil: YEAH, Big Poppa! Do you realize you haven't gotten laid in almost 3 months? Look at her! She's cute, she's drunk, she WANTS to party. You are so going to HIT THAT!

 

Angel: Now, now, TP! You know it's wrong to take advantage of a drunk girl, even if she IS willing to do things with you. It's just wrong, and it would break your mother's heart!

 

Devil: If your mother knew some of the things you've done...well, it wouldn't matter at this point! Come on! This isn't peeing in the bushes with some chicks, this is S-E-X SEX! Haven't you cried enough over your ex? Haven't you been through enough crap? You've EARNED this, my brother!

 

Angel: And if you DO something with her, will that make all the hurt go away? Will a few minutes of pleasure heal your sad little heart? You know better than this. Treat her like a lady, and you KNOW you will be rewarded.

 

At this point, I had to interject.

 

Me: Devil, you KNOW I'm not going to take advantage of a drunk girl, no matter how hot she is. But, I WILL give her a ride home and hang out. I will make sure she gets home safe, hang out for a few minutes, and just go home and umm...take care of myself. Angel, don't think you are getting off so easy. All my life I've tried to be "Mr. Nice Guy" and where has it gotten me? NOWHERE! I'm sick of being treated like crap, but you know what? I'm NOT going to do anything with her. Not tonight. I know bad karma when I see it.....

 

K: Who the hell are you talking to? (Ok, that didn't happen, it was just a cute way to end the section of the story.)

 

K assured me that L really wants to hang out with me, so I agreed to take L in my car back to their place.

 

L and I wound up driving around for a few minutes. She only lives a short drive away, but because she couldnt keep her eyes open, I had to guess where to turn, but through trial and error (mostly error), I found her street. Parking was non-existent, so L and I walked the 4 blocks back to her place. I walked slowly beside her, talking the whole time, trying to keep her awake so she didnt fall flat on her face.

 

We got back to her apartment. K and her bf were already "behind closed doors", so L and I talked in the hallway for a few minutes. She then put her arms around me and moved in to kiss me.....

 

Angel appeared again. "She's DRUNK."

 

I kissed L on the cheek. "I'm glad I got you home safely. But I definately would love to hang out sometime." L replied "You dont have to leave if you don't want to", in a voice that any reasonable guy knows to be actually saying "just take me, right here, right now!". I kissed her on the cheek again and asked if I could call her sometime. She gave me her number and said she really didn't have plans for Sunday, except laundry. I told her I'd love to take her out sometime, and she replied that she's not ready for any real dating yet, but she'd love to hang out...... I smiled, hugged her again, and went home.

 

....and then I logged on here to post the story while it was still fresh in my mind.

 

I could have. You know, THAT.

 

It's been almost 3 months since I've... you know. THAT.

 

Not tonight. This wasn't the time, nor the circumstance.

 

Will I get another chance?

 

I really don't know. I do like this girl, though, and would love to go out with her. She's cute, playful, intelligent, and very social, something I really need in my life.

 

K had asked me if I was cool with "just being friends" with her roommate, and I said "of course". I'm on a HUGE "friend-finding" kick, so having a couple of new "drinking buddies" is something I really need.

 

But.....

 

I could have. You know.

 

I don't know if I'm going to call her so fast, but I know I'll see her next weekend at the bar anyway. I'll let some time pass, and take it from there.

 

Maybe we'll go drinking again...and she'll have to pee............(if you didn't read the post to which this refers, please read it before thinking I'm a pervert!)

 

Consider this post the official "chase" of TP vs. L.

 

I'm on the hunt.

 

*roar*.

 

NOW I need to pass out.

 

-tp

[Adunaphel]

You are a nice guy, TP. It would be great if there were more of your kind around.

 

Let us know how things go!

[Teacher's Pet]

You are a nice guy, TP. It would be great if there were more of your kind around.

 

More of my kind around? lol

 

Overweight lactose-intolerant pseudo-telemarketers?

 

Yeah, we're taking over!

 

OMG my head is killing me. Damn, my tolerance to alcohol is back again, wow... I feel like a drunken frat boy again. Except back then, I usually woke up NEXT to the girl I was partying with. *watches as Devil snickers and Angel rolls his eyes at me*

 

-tp

[Adunaphel]

More of my kind around? lol

Overweight lactose-intolerant pseudo-telemarketers?

Yeah, we're taking over!

 

Duh. If being lactose-intolerant is in one of the top three positions in your "bad qualities" list, you are probably a good catch.

[Teacher's Pet]

..... you are probably a good catch.

 

 

Well, that's 2 votes for "good catch".

 

You, and my mother.

 

-tp

[Mollyanna]

slow down TP! You are already to K and L ?

[Teacher's Pet]

lol...don't worry..

 

You'll always be my DS. Muah.

 

I really am running out of letters in my "dating alphabet".

 

A - dated 3 of them. All 3 treated me like crap, thankfully, I know one really great A now, and she's totally cool.

B - My last ex. Also, a previous ex that gave me the infamous "It's not that big, but it's so thick" line which is on my webpage.

C -

D - Dated a D for 3 months. Nice girl, but was too keen on "changing" me. Also, the first initial of the girl I lost my virginity to, and the initial of one of the girls I peed behind a bush with the other night.

E -

F -

G -

H - My ex of 5 1/2 years whom I almost had a child with. Lost the child, her, and my job in a period of a little over a year. Peed with an H behind a bush the other night.

I - Went on one date with an I. Nice tush.

J - Used to have a crush on a J, but now have a great FW named J! lol Also, the other night, I peed with a J behind a bush.

K - L's roommate.

L - My current umm.... desire?

M - Used to like an M, but she turned out to be a whore. Peed behind a bush with an M the other night.

N -

O -

P - Used to fool around with a P, we're now just close friends.

Q -

R - My former close friend/semi-love interest (see "The Other Woman" posts)

S - A girl I used to have a major crush on when I was in high school..

T -

U -

V - PooPoo Girl.

W -

X -

Y -

Z -

 

Anyone wanna help me fill in some of the blanks?

 

-tp

[Touche]

You're a true gentleman. And you if you keep putting yourself out there, you WILL meet THE one.

 

I love your posts by the way. They're so entertaining!

[Mollyanna]

Doesn't that actually make Jen an F? That will fill in a letter.

When I get to town, Jen and I will circle the bar looking for letters!

[Teacher's Pet]

LOL..

 

Jen is a J. You are technically an A.

 

You might be the first A I've gotten to know that I haven't wanted to grind into chopmeat. lol

 

For me, it took 2 Amy's and an Ally to make me really hate the beginning of the alphabet.

 

Of course, you can add B to that.

 

But I'll always love ya. Yer A#1 to me

 

-tp

[Teacher's Pet]

OMG..

 

Jenn and I are meeting you in 7 days!

 

This is more exciting than the time I got to arm wrestle Bea Arthur! *insert Family Guy flashback*

 

We're gonna party! NYC style!

 

-tp

actually from Jersey

[fireflywy]

Well... Teach... here's a single line I live by...

 

"When a Man has nothing left.... There's always Honor."

 

Great to hear you're doing well!

[Jaded-Arie]

More of my kind around? lol

 

Overweight lactose-intolerant pseudo-telemarketers?

 

Yeah, we're taking over!

 

OMG my head is killing me. Damn, my tolerance to alcohol is back again, wow... I feel like a drunken frat boy again. Except back then, I usually woke up NEXT to the girl I was partying with. *watches as Devil snickers and Angel rolls his eyes at me*

 

-tp

 

 

You are too funny. I enjoy your posts, they bring comic relief into these heartbroken boards.

 

Am also suffering from a major hangover, thought I was Jane Bond earlier, knocking back Martinis (shaken, not stirred), now I am paying for it big time. In four hours I have to be at work .

 

Good luck to me.

[Teacher's Pet]

.....if you keep putting yourself out there.....

 

How come I put out, but no one reciprocates?

 

-tp

[Touche]

How come I put out, but no one reciprocates?

 

-tp

 

BULL! You know L will. Just wait. Keep on being who you are and good things will come to you.

[Sand&Water]

Teacher's Pet,

Consider this post the official "chase" of TP vs. L.

 

I'm on the hunt.

What a marvelous story! I enjoyed it. I must say, you are different than most guys. Definately a nice guy.

 

I hope you have a wonderful time "chasing" L.

 

And, I can't believe you put in that "devil" vs. "angel" scenario. So cute!

 

Hope this works out for you. Interesting to see what will happen next. Post.

[Teacher's Pet]

You are too funny. I enjoy your posts, they bring comic relief into these heartbroken boards.

 

It's a known fact that the greatest comedians actually live the saddest lives.......

 

Chris Farley ate, drank, and drugged himself to death. Do you know why? Loneliness. He was 33, and one of my comedic heroes. In fact, I studied comedic acting with the same organization he did (Second City) With all of his talent and comedic charm, he could never find a girl who could make him happy. To me, he died of a broken heart.

 

There was a time when I was approaching my 33rd birthday that I didn't think I'd live to see it. I was STILL mourning the loss of a child, the loss of a "soulmate", and just hating life in general. I rarely went out, I mostly went to work, came home, and cried myself to sleep. I had few friends I truly socialized with, and I went to bed each night not even caring if I woke up the following morning.

 

Comedy saved me from an early grave. It's the one thing I got from comedy that Chris Farley never did. He never appreciated his own gifts. I learned to do just that, and I thank my stars every day that I have the ability to make people laugh. It gave my life purpose, and a reason to go on living.

 

And honestly, it CAN get you laid.

 

Really.

 

But seriously, reading what you said to me, J-A, means a LOT to me. Thank you. We're all hurting here, to some degree. I'm just glad I can be of SOME comfort in dark times.....

 

-tp

 

"If chicks think a sense of humor on a man is sexy, why is that in an elevator they get mad when I push them up against a wall and tickle them....then lick their faces and make them guess what I had for breakfast......FLAPJACKS, WH**E!!!" - Jim Norton

[Teacher's Pet]

Teacher's Pet,

 

What a marvelous story! I enjoyed it. I must say, you are different than most guys.

 

 

Not THAT different. We all agree that Paris Hilton is a moron, but we'd still gladly screw her 14 ways until Sunday.

 

-tp

"I...did not....have sexual relations....with....that......woman....."

[Teacher's Pet]

Teacher's Pet,

 

I hope you have a wonderful time "chasing" L.....Interesting to see what will happen next. Post.

 

Based on personal experience.....

 

a) She'll string me along for a year, and then blow me off. (a la "R")

 

b) She'll date me for 6 months, let me propose to her, and then trade me in for a "wink" on Match.com and dump me in a text message. (a la "B")

 

c) She'll spent 3 years loving me, doing little things for me (baking cookies for when I come to see her, making little tapes of our favorite songs, etc.), give me incredible sex every night we spend together, take trips, go to ballgames, concerts, fancy restaurants, AC (that's Atlantic City to you foreigners!), and then get into a fight with me, fake a pregnancy to keep me from leaving, then apologizing, then cheat on me, then apologizing, then getting pregnant for real with me, then miscarrying the child and blaming me, and then eventually just walk out of my life 2 years later (a la "H")

 

d) She'll meet another guy who has a better job, bigger apartment, better car, and a bigger peepee. (a la pretty much any girl who's seen where I work, where I live, what I drive, or what I pee out of.)

 

Self-esteem is a wonderful thing. I should pick some up sometime!

 

-tp

[burning 4 revenge]

You have a God given ability with words TP.

[Sand&Water]

Teacher's Pet,

Based on personal experience.....

No. Those were based on past personal experiences.

 

These experiences do not have any significance in scripting the future, unless you allow them to do so.

 

You haven't seen her true inner beauty, yet.

 

You just wait and see. You have to allow perseverance and time to work their course.

[burning 4 revenge]

His skepticism will serve him well.

[Touche]

Oh God, Toilet Paper, you're PRICELESS!

[Teacher's Pet]

Teacher's Pet,

 

You haven't seen her true inner beauty, yet.

 

Sure I did.

 

She yacked next to my car when I took her home. lol

 

-tp

[Teacher's Pet]

Nothing to report.

 

She hasn't returned my call yet.

 

I swear, I'm the only bartender in New Jersey who can't pick up a chick.

 

I really, REALLY suck.

 

*watches as Devil looks at me, with disapproval*

 

-tp