response to "what do you all think"

[plexus]

a mess, in what way?

[NeverLate]

Well I suppose that you're right that if I had the guts I would leave and see what happens next. I wont and therefore I deserve what I get. Nothing. Maybe I would get nothing anyway but at least there would be a chance. As it is now theres no chance......

[plexus]

very true..............you an my OM should share stories lol

[NeverLate]

Hi Plexus,

 

Well yesterday I wrote her this passionate email about how we are soulmates and how our love will last forever and how we will always be together in spirit even if we werent physically together. Well last night she pretty much blew it off entirely and then this morning she writes me and tells me that She loves me and she wishes she could leave and be with me but she cant. Its not that she cant its because she wont. She says she's basically happy in her marriage but she loves me in a way she cant love her H. She says that she and her H dont have the intimacy that she and I have together and that the love is not the same. I think she tries to fill the hole in her heart with material things and other distractions. Shes gonna wake up one day and realize she messed up by not wanting to be with me.......

[lizad]

Hi there, I actually just sat down and ame on this website.......I am a little confused.....you wrote her a letter proclaiming your undying love.....the bottom line here is that you are married and in no position to ask her to leave her marriage when you are still in yours. She probably does want to be with you but you are unavailable........

the fact that you prob. told her countless times that you want her makes no difference when you are still a married man, what don't you understand about that????

Not judging here, just showing you the other side and maybe what she is feeling and going through

[lizad]

and.........arent you basically happy in your marriage and filling the hole??? Seems like you both are in the exact same place for the most part.

[NeverLate]

You are perceptive arent you.. I have thought that she wants me but she saw no movement from me. Even last year when she told her H she was leaving him I should have done the same thing immediately. Instead I stuck around and because of it she freaked and stayed with her H. and here we are

[lizad]

well what you expect....all the talk means nothing. I know for myself, I am an action person. I guess I am very glad that I didnt act impulsively. Its very easy to get caught up but then again, do you do "normal" things with your OW??? Can you go out together and such. You also dont share any of the noise......money, kids, inlaws, family.......It is a HUGE thing to undertake and sometimes you know what you have but you dont know what you might be getting into.....do you know what I mean???

Maybe it works the way it is b/c deep down as much as you guys are crazy for one another and make each other feel good, you like the status of your relationship........I know I do.....

[lizad]

sorry, but the thoughts keep coming lol........do you really really want to leave your marriage??????

[NeverLate]

Thats okay. I truly appreciate you taking the time to help me with this. I think in the end I was chicken of leaving my W. I think my OW knew what was going on...I tell you shes kind of quirky but shes so hot! I bet you're hot too which keeps your OM coming back. and Yes If I knew she was going to do leave her H I would do the same in a minute. I do agree with you that she is enamored by the status of her M. She married into a promiment family who is big in their church etc. She came from a single parent family and moved around alot. I think the stability as well as the status is a powerful draw for her. Even though she has a great love in me, she has all the trappings of success and family where she is. Between that and my dragging my feet I guess I shouldnt be suprised how it turned out...

[NeverLate]

To answer your question directly when my OW and I go out we have a wonderful time. We talk about all kinds of things. We have great stimulating conversations that last for hours. We share so much in common and we share our passions with each other. What's even better is that we care enough about one another to become knowledgable of each others passions which allows us to communicate better. She has told me that I am her best friend and you shes mine.....

 

Sad huh???

[plexus]

I'm sure you do have a great time, why wouldnt you???? do you live close to one another??

truthfully I think if she pressured you to leave, you would back away so fast.........cause I really dont think you want to leave. yes you want her and she is your soulmate and best friend, I have the same thing. My OM whines and whines about his miserable marriage and yet hasn't done anything. I dont think he would even if I were available.....It's such a fantasy.........

how old are the both of you??

let me ask you something. my OM claims he hasn't slept with his wife in 2 plus years....knowing full well that i have an intimate relationship with my husband.......I really dont believe him??? do you think he is telling the truth?

[NeverLate]

To answer your last question, no he's not being honest. Does he sleep in her bed every night? does he sleep on the couch? My guess is that he prefers to be with you but he has over the past 2 years been with his W. You put two people in the same bed and chances are its bound to happen once or twice. Just my opinion.

 

We live about 50 miles apart from each other. Why do you say I would never leave? Is it because I had my chance and I didnt go through with it? Man that is sad.

 

Its so funny she has already called me 3 times today. You know, we dont discuss our marriages. I get the impression that her H treats her well but there is no passion or connection. I get the impression that they dont have much in the way of conversation which is why she gravitates towards me. We talk about all kinds of things but one thing we dont discuss is the status of her marriage. She does talk about things going on in her life like buying a new car, fixing up her house etc.

 

I dont think their sex life is all that great although she doesnt say much about that either.

[plexus]

well she calls you and comes to you with the things she is lacking at home......don't you do the same????

I think if anyone is that miserable, they would leave and they should leave for themselves not for the OM/OW.

I don't think you are THAT unhappy at home.....Yes, you fantasize about being with your OW but that is natural...

From what you say your marriage isnt that bad. If it is just that you and your wife lost the chemistry....hey, it's 20 years and you CAN learn to get that back. you just CHOOSE to get it from someone else. If you did leave to be with another woman, eventually it would end up the same.....

you have to pick your poisen as they say......

I know for me, I get from my OM exactly what I need, and if I dont....then I kinda back away.

I know that he is not the answer......I do care a great deal about him but the grass is def. not greener on the other side. Yes, the chemistry is amazing but beside that........the more important stuff is better at home.

[plexus]

and I have to agree.....I am sure that they have been "together"

[NeverLate]

But then what do you care. Just make sure that when you're with him its so good that when he's with her he wished it was you....

[NeverLate]

I dont know how miserable or happy she really is at home. Thats one thing she wont share with me. Thats the one thing I wish she would share with me.

[plexus]

why do you need to know how happy or not at home she is??? does it make a difference?

as far as when I am with my OM believe me that I KNOW how I rock his world......we are talking hot pink to her beige.......lol

I dont think he would drive 2 hours each way just to see me.......and I mean just to see me..........

[Can'tGiveUp]

First, I want to thank both of you for keeping your posts public. I have learned that I am not alone in this, and that there are others hearing the same thing from MM/MW. My situation differs in some aspects from both of yours... Most significantly, I left my H, though it was before I met MM and had nothing to do with any other person, as well, MM and I currently are strictly an EA, though the memories of our PA are overwhelming and it is only a matter of time. We have recently reconnected after a year of NC, when he (after being separated) chose to return to work it out with W.

 

I too wrestled with what was going on at MM's house...is he happy there? Is their relationship good/bad/indifferent? He was willing to share that info with me at any point in time...I had only to ask. It took me some time to ask but I have the answer. He says he doesn't want an A but he also can't stay away from me and the connection we have.

 

At this point in time, we remain very connected, very close and love each other with all our hearts. Will he leave his W? I don't know, but I know that he struggles with that question all the time and how it will impact not only his W but his kids as well. I stay away from that debate...if he leaves it has to be for him, not for me.

 

Which is what I say to you NeverLate...if you leave, it has to be for you, not in the hopes that MW will leave her H for you.

 

Again, thanks to both of you...all the other threads just tell you NC is the only way. And I am not ready nor willing to go that route right now. I am too happy having my soulmate back in my life, in any capacity.

[lizad]

cant give up........Glad if reading the posts made you feel better. I am confused about one thing. were you with this MM before and then ended it and then left your husband to get back with the MM???

Truthfully, chances are he wont leave.....did you notice with neverlate;s posts that he ignores a lot of the things he prob. doesnt want to hear that I wrote LOL LOL

men!!!!

He, like my MM is so busy crying how much they love the OW and want to be with them but they are still with their wives and families......

( dont take this personally, neverlate)

I swear reading his posts.....it's like my MM could have written them. uncanny.

they keep saying how the OW can have all of them, etc, etc, when they cant. They will never leave their spouses...........

On the other hand, for you.....if you are happy with the sitaution then that is great. deep down you are porbably hoping that he will leave and then comes the depression and such because he wont.

As long as your eyes stay open, then you do what you need to do. I've tried the NC thing dozens of times for various reasons EXCEPT the fact that he is still there, b/c I didnt ask him to leave to be with me and as long as he is still there we are on the same page.

The NC is tough!!!!

I wish I could be strong enough to just break the ties b/c regardless of my situation, an A is tough.

[Can'tGiveUp]

MM and I met when we were both separated. I guess that was what brought us together initially - recently separated, both parents...we developed a very close friendship first (about 4 months) before we decided we were ready to make it more. We were together for another 7 months after that. Then his W decided she wanted them to try again. He agreed, mostly because of the kids, but also partly because of his views of family. He was quite candid about not being sure if they could work out their problems, but needed to know for sure.

 

For the past year most of our contact has been accidental and we have always kept the conversations fairly short and impersonal. Occasionally one or the other has sent an email, but just a joke and a 'Hi, how are you". I was the one that broke the 'impersonal' part of it and told him that I really don't feel any differently about him, despite the time that has passed.

 

Since then, things have really gotten out of control. We talk by both email and phone several times a day (like 15-20 times), we see each other at least once a day during the work week (and we don't work together). And we spend so much time worrying about hurting the other that it isn't funny. His M is not perfect but they are still hanging in...I am under no illusions and I don't believe that he will leave her. But like you say, I am hoping he will leave her, and its not deep down, it is right out there. He is aware that I want him to leave, but he also knows that I believe what he is saying. For now, we are taking it one day at a time, well aware that at some point in time, it will likely have to end because one of us will want more. We have talked about what we 'should' do - which is NC - we have also agreed that we could do it - but not forever.

 

I am not prepared to walk away from him yet, I love him too much to let go again so soon. In this past year I tried to let him go from my heart - I dated others, I tried to keep myself busy and tried to move on. And I managed to convince him that I had moved on. Its not an ideal situation, but for now I am just enjoying his being in his arms again for whatever brief moments we can have.

[NeverLate]

OMG CGU,

 

You are in such a similar place as me. When my MW and I talk or we see each other its such a joy. I hang on to every moment we are together no matter what the circumstance. totally sympathize with you. I try and move on but I cant. Like for example today. As of yet I have not heard from her yet and its killing me. She is with her H but at some point she will be available to call me and I'm sitting her staring at the phone waiting for her to call. I need to stop that and just enjoy the time when I do talk or even see her. Yesterday she called me 4 times and I loved it. Now today so far its zero and I'm dying. I realize that I just need to enjoy what we have. I will never walk away from her and I dont think she will from me. We just have to find a balance between the real world and our love affair. I hope you can do that too

[NeverLate]

OMG CGU,

 

You are in such a similar place as me. When my MW and I talk or we see each other its such a joy. I hang on to every moment we are together no matter what the circumstance. totally sympathize with you. I try and move on but I cant. Like for example today. As of yet I have not heard from her yet and its killing me. She is with her H but at some point she will be available to call me and I'm sitting her staring at the phone waiting for her to call. I need to stop that and just enjoy the time when I do talk or even see her. Yesterday she called me 4 times and I loved it. Now today so far its zero and I'm dying. I realize that I just need to enjoy what we have. I will never walk away from her and I dont think she will from me. We just have to find a balance between the real world and our love affair. I hope you can do that too

[NeverLate]

Hey Lizad,

 

I would love to share some things with you but I dont feel comfortable doing that publicly. Is there a way we can do it without blasting all over this forum??

[plexus]

if you want to give me your e-mail..........