oh no..I was afraid of this..How far do u go for love?

[HurtingDeeply]

my boyfriend of 3 years ( on & off ) that I met online in 2003 that I see every 2-6 months, just told me that he's been lying to me this whole time & wanted to get stuff off of his chest about some stuff that happened in the end of 2004 beginning of 2005. He went to spring break for a weekend at the beach(crazyness i know) but he told me he was stressed from class and just wanted to go drinking with his buddies on the beach, and just hang out--that he wouldn't do anything bad with another girl. Well, he told me that he went to clubs every single night with his friends, then he told me he went to two condo parties with his 2 friends where people were doing drugs but he didn't do any drugs and he was plastered and asked this girl to make out with him. But he said that she said no. He also said that one of their friends asked if these girls that were friends from high school could go up to their hotel room and hang..but he said the security wouldn't let them go..but he said he wasn't going to do anything with them anyways and it was his friends idea.( I was like it's not JUST that..it's that you lied about it for soooo LONG!)

 

He then told me he's gone to two strip clubs since we were in our relationship around the same time of spring break & got lap dances, etc. He also said that he tried cocaine at a party around the same time. Cocaine!? WHAT!? I'm still in shock..then he said that he also tried pot.

 

He's already told me about when he cheated on me in late 2004 for 4 weeks with this girl( they went to a concert, sex, etc.) and then I find out later i got an STD from it because she was raped in her past. ( Human papiloma virus--it's transmittable even with a condom.) But he said it's in the past, he's sorry and he's changed and blah blah blah..he's cried about it multiple times about how guilty he feels.

 

So yea my head is whirling..I'm pissed, sad, and confused by it all..I can't believe he lied to me this whole time.

 

Well, there's about a year til I move down there for the first time permanently..I tried to break up with him and started crying hysterically and couldn't do it. It's crazy how much you can love someone. But I said I deserve so much better. He told me that I do deserve someone who wouldn't have done that but that he promises me a beautiful future & he'll make it up to me for the rest of my life. You see, in this past year or so since he's done that, he's found faith in God & he hasn't gone to parties since then, he just studies so he can get into law school, he works on problems in our relationship that come up, he's just a really great guy now..but is it too late? Or should I give him another chance since he's a changed person? How far do you go for love??

 

I'd really love a response..I know I sound like the most naive person in the world right now..I probably am..but I really do love this guy..and I want to know whether I should give him a chance or not. Is there a possibilty of it working out if he is for sure a changed man? Or do you think I'd still be lingering on what he did in the past? I'd really appreciate some help on this one!

 

Thankyou.

[superconductor]

Basically, you have to believe that a person can change, and whether the change will "stick."

 

I have personally known people are much like your bf, who live in the fast lane for a while but either have an epiphany of sorts or some other life-altering event, or just grow weary of the "bad boy" game.

 

I've also known people that go the other way; from being a respectable citizen to getting themselves caught in web of lies, lust and drugs.

 

So, to the question: How do you know if the change is real?

 

Only time will tell. Everyone is allowed a couple of mistakes, and making some bad judgements at one stage in life shouldn't mark them as incorrigibles for the rest of their days (see the thread on Steve Irwin's death and how it was hijacked about the baby in the croc pen incident for an example).

 

How to get the trust back? One day at a time, one step at a time, one issue at a time. There really is no other way.

 

And no, it doesn't make you naive in the least. It just makes you human. Welcome to the club.

[norajane]

Hey, George Bush was a cokehead, alcoholic and major party boy in college. Then he found Laura, got religion, and now he's president!

 

People can and do change. Sounds like he's already on his way to change - he didn't have to tell you about any of the spring break stuff, but it sounds like he's trying to start with a clean slate with you.

[HurtingDeeply]

that's very true..it's just that I've given him opportunities to tell me if he has done anything at spring break or any other time..and he has always said no, every single time..it wasn't until last week that he decided to tell me all of this..so I don't know what to think.

[HurtingDeeply]

he didn't tell me about cheating with the other girl either until the beggining of this year..

 

I just don't know whether he's changed or not because of all of this lies..Im just wondering if I'd be better off single & try to find someone else, u know? Even though it may be very difficult..

[Guest]

i'm not sure that hes worthy of your time. yes, people change. but i think for your case, he is too late! perhaps you can learn to re-build trust in him and perhaps he will grow into a wonderful man. but personally, i couldn't handle that. and he gave you an STD from his cheating on you. that, in itself, is just terrible for me. i don't know.. theres a lot of reasons why you shouldn't get back together with him. but its really up to whether or not you can learn to trust him again, and whether or not he really does change.

 

honestly, there are better guys out there than that. so how many times total did he cheat on you??

[HurtingDeeply]

i'm not sure that hes worthy of your time. yes, people change. but i think for your case, he is too late! perhaps you can learn to re-build trust in him and perhaps he will grow into a wonderful man. but personally, i couldn't handle that. and he gave you an STD from his cheating on you. that, in itself, is just terrible for me. i don't know.. theres a lot of reasons why you shouldn't get back together with him. but its really up to whether or not you can learn to trust him again, and whether or not he really does change.

 

honestly, there are better guys out there than that. so how many times total did he cheat on you??

 

Yea that's how I'm pretty much feeling..but I'm not sure..cuz I just don't know what could happen in the future & until then It's hard to let go..but omgsh here's another thing: The spring break thing..I don't think he would've told me if it wasn't for his friend that was with him during spring break,being added onto my myspace profile the other day..I think he was paranoid he might tell me what happened ! It didn't occur to me, until a few hours ago. Do you think that's possible? Because he confessed right after his friend asked me when I'm going down there next and I said christmas & spring break..and if not, then obviously the trust is bad because Im sitting here overanalyzing everything and it's DRIVING ME CRAZY!! I just don't know whether I want to work on this relationship this hard, when I'm young & could be doing something completly different if I really wanted to..but stupid love keeps holding me back. I have a big heart, and I just can't seem to let go..but yea to answer your question..he cheated once, and supposedly didn't cheat the second time, but pursued it..and yes I said supposedly I'm wondering if they did anything..or if he lied bad and they had intercourse..I just got a new job today & it's getting hard to handle everything that's on my plate right now. It's just that if it could be okay in the future, then I may stay with him..but I won't know that til it comes and until then I'll be carrying the weight of the world on my shoulders.

 

*sigh* I don't know what to do.

[megnog]

hey, i posted earlier as guest (too lazy to sign in:laugh: )

i was thinking and thinking and unless you are 100% positive this is the guy you are going to MARRY and be with until the day you die.. and life would be perfect.. then dump his ass. i would at least. he lied and lied and lied and then one day he decides to tell the truth? why? because he was afraid you'd find out otherwise. so does that make everything okay that he finally told you ? no! i'm sorry but he doesn't deserve you. you can do better and i think you will.. do the right thing..

but before you do

ask him to try and be as honest as he can

ask him what he would do if the situation were reversed? i don't think he'd stay. its a lot of bull**** what he did.

[HurtingDeeply]

hey, i posted earlier as guest (too lazy to sign in:laugh: )

i was thinking and thinking and unless you are 100% positive this is the guy you are going to MARRY and be with until the day you die.. and life would be perfect.. then dump his ass. i would at least. he lied and lied and lied and then one day he decides to tell the truth? why? because he was afraid you'd find out otherwise. so does that make everything okay that he finally told you ? no! i'm sorry but he doesn't deserve you. you can do better and i think you will.. do the right thing..

but before you do

ask him to try and be as honest as he can

ask him what he would do if the situation were reversed? i don't think he'd stay. its a lot of bull**** what he did.

 

Yea, thanku for your advice. Thanks alot actually. We're trying to work things out & decide what is best for my life to be with or w/o him..alot has happened but it's too long to say right now because I'm busy I just replied right now so yall don't think I don't care about what u have to say because I really really do. I'll post about it when I have time which could be in the next couple of days or so..but keep on the look out it's been a very emotional weekend/week.