What's the Point?

[johan]

I'll never understand myself. I just won't. I wish someone in my real life believed in me and wanted me to be part of their life. Someone I cared about. The more time that passes without that, the less I believe in it. And that makes me feel miserable. And that makes it that much harder to meet someone.

 

I've been here before. Now I know myself well enough to see where I'm headed. And it's not pretty. If this is how it's going to be for me, then I have a hard time seeing the point. I just don't understand any of this.

[burning 4 revenge]

Do you try on-line dating sites?

[johan]

Yeah. Here's an inventory:

 

A multitude of overweight women from the rural midwest liked me.

Several Nigerians showed interest.

I actually got to know a girl who lives over a thousand miles away, and she really liked me. But she lives that far away and she has an incurable STD.

I showed interest in several women who never responded.

The one local girl, very cute, who did respond coincidentally has a full email box all the time so I can't ever contact her.

 

I could easily just live and consume oxygen and take up space my whole life. I could make it my life's purpose to be financially secure in my retirement and to have neat stuff. Woopee. Like I said: what's the point. I can amuse myself and even become very interested in things, but who cares besides me? No one.

 

If I spend enough time on my own, I lose all confidence I have any value otherwise. Pick a fat, lazy, ugly, stupid guy who has a wife or girlfriend. I feel he has more value to the world than I do. I feel that there is something about him that makes him a better man, and his wife see it in him. But no woman sees that in me. And I lose confidence that any woman I would want ever will.

[burning 4 revenge]

I don't know. I don't sense that. You seem to charm women in cyber-space without their even meeting you in the flesh. You're financially secure and articulate and from what I understand attractive. More importantly you have your health-cliche, yes, but if you lose it you will truly understand.

 

Maybe it just recquires patience. Do you live in a small area without many opportunities for meeting people?

[Adunaphel]

It is just a matter of time.

No, it really is - you are doing something (like using online dating sites, and trying to get to know people), and you sound like a good catch (judging from your posts on LS). Just keep a positive attitide and do not give up - you'll meet the right gal when you are least expecting it (since it always works this way).

Do you live in the country? Are you very far away from Denver or any other big town where it's easier to get to know people, or where anyway you don't end up always seeing the same people around?

[Teacher's Pet]

Dude,

 

Just put yourself out there.

 

BE available to meet new people. Don't "throw yourself" at a woman, but dress and act like you are ready to meet people, and just be friendly and open and have fun!

 

I'm no Derek Jeter (uh oh, since I dropped his name does that mean I think he's "dreamy"?), in fact, I consider myself to be "average" looking on my BEST day..... but I have no problem meeting people or getting dates....

 

I just try to be nice to people, be helpful, and make it a point to know that I AM looking for new friends.... You just have to put yourself out there.

 

You sound like a really good guy who's just in a rut. I've been there.

 

Heck, I AM there, but it's ok! Just remember, positive energy attracts positive energy. After my breakup, I had NONE of it.

 

Just find it in yourself.

 

You are worth it!

 

-tp

 

P.S. Don't knock the overweight Midwestern women.....they put out! lol

[Mollyanna]

how overweight are we talking about? if you are going to be terribly picky and only want women who are as skinny as Paris Hilton, then yeah maybe your choices out there will be limited.

 

sorry, you just pushed a button with me. I see skinny women dating overweight guys all the time, but you hardly ever see the opposite.

[johan]

Thanks, all.

 

I lose all faith in myself. Not consciously. I just lose the ability to imagine a woman would seriously want to be with me. You kind of have to have that belief, or it's automatically a bad idea to get involved with anyone. And that's how I feel. Kind of embarassed to even try.

 

Mollyana, I'm sorry to have pushed your buttons, but I'm interested in someone who matches me. Maybe if I was out of shape and didn't care about getting out and doing things, then it would be silly for me to be so picky. But it's about being with someone who matches me.

 

But like I said. At this point, I'm not sure how she looks is going to change the outcome. As long as I've been dating, I haven't gotten much indication that I have what women want. The women I loved the most have all moved on.

 

I don't know how this sounds. It's just what has been running through my head a lot lately.

[Touche]

"I just lose the ability to imagine a woman would seriously want to be with me. You kind of have to have that belief, or it's automatically a bad idea to get involved with anyone. And that's how I feel. Kind of embarassed to even try."

 

That's all BS. Just another excuse for you to not even try. Do you think that all people who have found their "one" were at the top of their game and full of confidence when they did? Take a poll and ask around. I'd venture to say that it's seldom the case.

 

Speaking for myself, I was not at the top of my game when my I met my H. In fact, I was at my lowest both physically and emotionally. So stop coming up with excuses to not even try.

 

And you say the women you loved "moved on." Did they REALLY move on or did you push them away? What really happened?

 

Your self-defeating attitude is not a good one on so many levels. You're your own worst enemy right now.

 

Love doesn't come easily to everyone you know. It may seem like it to you now but it's not true.

 

And what's a BAD idea is for you to NOT even try. What's the point in THAT? Where will that get you?

[UnknowingOW]

Sounds like it's dating hiatus time for you too.

 

I've been where you are, all the dating sites with overweight men from who knows where, and S. Africa for some reaons???

 

I've been out there and to be honest, no one really is interesting to me at this time. But don't get yourself down about this Johan...what's the point?

 

I did go out with a guy that was overweight and dated him for 5-years...turned out to be a CP...go figure...lol

 

The point is you need to put yourself out there in a way that's good for you. I might suggest that you become involved in some social groups, ballroom dance, cooking classes, smyphony tickets, wine groups; whatever...just get yourself into things you like and maybe you might find Mrs. Right.

 

Good Luck

[Touche]

Gosh, OW...I hope he finds Ms. Right and not Mrs. Right as you suggested!

[UnknowingOW]

LOL...that was a typo!!!

[magichands]

It took me a long time to get over my ex. I'll always believe I love her - as much as anyone can love another - and I do wish her all the happiness that life can offer her. One of my problems was learning to forgive myself - I really think that I was totally to blame for all the breakup pain. And after the breakup I really needed to do what was best for her - rather than selfishly thinking only about what I had lost...and wondering if I would ever find anything that special (once again, just my perspective) again.

 

I suppose I got my life back by "forgetting myself" completely. Or at least trying to. And not taking myself so goddamn seriously!!!! (Don't get me wrong - I'm still my favourite person, haha.) My philosophy these days is that I have a lot of love to give, and if someone wants that love then they will find me. Kind of like...chasing the butterfly won't get you anywhere, give it time to settle on your shoulder (whomever gave us that pearl). But mostly leaving it to fate for the time being, and just not entertaining thoughts about never finding love again...even if that's the way my life unfolds, if I can focus on being a positive to this world then it will be a life worth living.

 

Now I look at couples smiling (okay, and exchanging more than loving looks), and I smile too. Go figure that one out.

 

That's enough staring into my navel, I think.

[AriaIncognito]

Thanks, all.

 

Maybe if I was out of shape and didn't care about getting out and doing things, then it would be silly for me to be so picky. But it's about being with someone who matches me.

 

Ok, I've got to address that statement. Just because someone is "overweight" it doesn't necessarily mean they don't get out and do things. I'm "overweight" as you'd say, but I get exercise about 4-5 days a week and have a pretty active social life. Could it be that your perception of overweight people is a little biased, assuming they are all sitting at home eating bon bons and watching tv? Just curious.

 

Jennifer

[Touche]

Look, the guy's got a right to have his physical preferences in a potential mate, no? I mean I've never gone out with an overweight man because it's not my preference. It doesn't turn me on and is not attractive to me.

 

I think it's kind of silly to focus on this one thing. Let's look at the big picture here. The OP's issues are MUCH deeper than what is being focused on here.

[JamesM]

Ditto Touche. If he finds overweight unattractive...so be it.

 

I would suggest finding someone who can tell you why you cannot attract women. Then find someone who can tell you HOW to attract women.

 

Then put yourself in a place where you will meet someone who had similar interests.

 

Google David D' Angelo. His info may help.

[In Sync]

Yeah. Here's an inventory:

 

A multitude of overweight women from the rural midwest liked me.

Several Nigerians showed interest.

I actually got to know a girl who lives over a thousand miles away, and she really liked me. But she lives that far away and she has an incurable STD.

I showed interest in several women who never responded.

The one local girl, very cute, who did respond coincidentally has a full email box all the time so I can't ever contact her.

 

I could easily just live and consume oxygen and take up space my whole life. I could make it my life's purpose to be financially secure in my retirement and to have neat stuff. Woopee. Like I said: what's the point. I can amuse myself and even become very interested in things, but who cares besides me? No one.

 

If I spend enough time on my own, I lose all confidence I have any value otherwise. Pick a fat, lazy, ugly, stupid guy who has a wife or girlfriend. I feel he has more value to the world than I do. I feel that there is something about him that makes him a better man, and his wife see it in him. But no woman sees that in me. And I lose confidence that any woman I would want ever will.

 

I believe that we do wear our inner thoughts on our outsides. They are visable to others. No matter what you look like is irrelent. And the less confident one is its almost always visible to the inner eye of those around us. Which leaves us to fall prey to anyone who does pay attention to us, because we are happy that anybody regardless of their character and then we end up again in sucky relationships. Stop planting seeds of thoughts in your mind because your thought are actually creating your reality. Does that mean you shouldn't be chosey or go after the type of girl you want...of course not. Quite the opposite. But you sabatoged your mission already with negative thoughts. If you think you won't find the right woman for you, you won't. And if you think you have to settle that will be the case too. If you have an ideal image of the sort of woman you want picture it meditate on it... envision her. But know it in your guts that this person WILL walk into your life. Don't doubt it or question it. Why is it that some really short goofy guys are with these tall buxom beautiful women...because don't doubt for a second they can get em.

[Values]

As far as the overweight comment he made. I think he is just referencing that the only thing you initially notice on those sites is a person's photo if they have one. I think he just meant, and I agree, that a lot of those photos look the same and it just wasn't for him.

 

Johan, as far as your feelings. I undestand. I was living a great life before I met my now ex. Some of my time with her was better than I could have ever dreamed. I felt on top of the world just because I had her. I became one of the many guys she has destroyed and it affects me to this day. I've been considering a life change because of it. I've seriously considered the Peace Corps or UN Volunteers for a long term positive experience. I don't know what to do either, because she was my whole life. At least you are not alone. Go out and take a chance on a new girl, maybe it will work.

[the_alchemyst]

I'll never understand myself. I just won't. I wish someone in my real life believed in me and wanted me to be part of their life. Someone I cared about. The more time that passes without that, the less I believe in it. And that makes me feel miserable. And that makes it that much harder to meet someone.

 

I've been here before. Now I know myself well enough to see where I'm headed. And it's not pretty. If this is how it's going to be for me, then I have a hard time seeing the point. I just don't understand any of this.

 

Yeah, I guess there is no point to it all for people like you, eh? You might as well just do all others whom understand the point a favor and stop stealing valuable oxygen from them.

 

I mean, you might as well.

[johan]

Ok, I've got to address that statement. Just because someone is "overweight" it doesn't necessarily mean they don't get out and do things. I'm "overweight" as you'd say, but I get exercise about 4-5 days a week and have a pretty active social life. Could it be that your perception of overweight people is a little biased, assuming they are all sitting at home eating bon bons and watching tv? Just curious.

 

Jennifer

 

Well, I guess you have a point. I don't want to generalize and say that all those who are above model-ideal weight are not for me. I really meant to say that I'm getting a lot of hits from women I don't consider physically attractive based on what I see. In the end, it's attraction of all kinds that matters to me. I wouldn't rule out a heavy chick out of hand, but I do have expectations for myself and for those I date. It's not only about the silhouette. But I won't lie and say that doesn't matter either.

 

Let's look at the big picture here.

 

I have been looking at lots of big pictures... ha ha. KIDDING!!

 

Much of this just boils down to the beliefs I develop over time when I'm alone. My self-image is based to a large extent on what kind of feedback I'm getting from the world. And right now, womankind is not providing the kind of signals I need to keep a good self-image. In a perfect world, I could still maintain a good self-image regardless, but this is how I am. I need feedback.

 

I do get good feedback from women online. But that is not a substitute for the real thing, I'm afraid. I burn through online relationships quickly, because they require a huge amount of time sitting here at my computer doing nothing else. And I'd rather kill two birds with one stone by spending time with a woman AND doing the other things we need to do in life. I get super antsy if I'm here too much, as if I'm missing out on real life.

 

But it's the time with a real-life woman that freaks me out. I don't believe that's my strength, keeping one around and gaining a life-time commitment. I think women don't want that with me. And that makes any kind of attempt at dating seem scary and futile.

 

After I broke up with my ex, I had NO doubts and I felt very confident. But this solitude has twisted my mind a bit. And it really gets to me. It makes me afraid to try at all. I want that confidence back.

[JCD]

Your happiness is tied to woman and it shouldn't. What if your woman later decides to split with you? Then she will take away your happiness and you'll be depressed. So find some hobby or something to occupy you and make you happy. Then at least you can go back to your hobby in time of need.

[johan]

It's not that I don't agree with you JCD, but I have hobbies coming out my ass (not literally). It's not a question of being able to occupy myself, even to the extent that I forget all my problems. It's more a question of what life means when I live it only for myself. To me it doesn't mean much without someone to share it with. It's not complete.

 

My happiness will always be tied to some extent to the quality of companionship I have in my life. I think that's how most people are. If that weren't true, Loveshack wouldn't exist.

 

My concern is that that piece will be missing for how much of my life? Because I think it's about time I put that piece together. What this thread really boils down to is how much control I really have over that. Right now it's nothing I can control, and so the possibility of that part never being fulfilled is bothering me.

 

It's not my tendency to have faith in myself like that. That's my downfall.

[Sand&Water]

Oh dear, you've got yourself intertwined and can't seem to see the point.

 

You can't be stuck in a rut forever. You'll have to move yourself forward in space or else, time will do it for you whether you like it or not.

 

I think your downfall is your past. I don't mean to be harsh, or cruel but your past could have opened windows to more opportunities. But since the past is no longer with you, you'll have to work harder at finding that special someone.

 

Have you thought about settling for less? Or is that not an option?

Perhaps you are determined to find that special gem made just for you.

[johan]

Have you thought about settling for less? Or is that not an option?

 

Well, what woman would want to know that I'm with her because I'm willing to settle for less? Like I said before, I'm not looking for perfection. I'm just looking for someone I can be attracted to, who I can share a life with, who shares my values and lifestyle. Maybe that's all asking a lot, but those also all seem to be necessities.

 

Everything else you said was very encouraging though. After reading everyone's responses, I do have a better attitude. For however long that will last. Hopefully long enough!

 

The point of the thread is not about how I feel about women. It's more about how I feel about myself. If Ms. Right walked into my life right now, I'd have a hard time making anything happen. And that bothers me.

[burning 4 revenge]

If Ms. Right walked into my life right now, I'd have a hard time making anything happen. And that bothers me.

 

You have no idea how much more true this is for some people