kellyp1 Posted September 9, 2006 Posted September 9, 2006 So I work with this MM and there is incredible chemistry between us. We have both agreed that we can only even hang out in public and better still a group because of the attraction. We have had long hugs that have had the potential to turn into a kiss but stopped ourselves. The pull is so strong. Do you think we can pull off the friendship? We really care about each other first and foremost.
alphamale Posted September 9, 2006 Posted September 9, 2006 Do you think we can pull off the friendship? no...you cannot
whichwayisup Posted September 9, 2006 Posted September 9, 2006 NO. You cannot be friends with someone who you want to have a fling with. You both are attracted to eachother and it's wrong. He isn't yours for taking and he shouldn't be offering himself up to you. NO friendship should take place, it's not right. If you both really care for eachother and have respect, a real true friendship, you would stay away from him and him from you. DON'T put yourself IN that situation where something might happen, and honestly, the only way to do that is to NOT be friends with him outside of work. NO calls, no emails, nothing. Just deal with him on a professional level at work, and that's IT. I don't understand why you want to keep a friendship like that going with a man you really want. Is'nt that too painful for you? isn't it a test of your self control and morality??
Author kellyp1 Posted September 9, 2006 Author Posted September 9, 2006 It is a test but I would rather have him in my life than not. Plus there is a consulting project he is working on for me that requires additional contact outside of work. I figure if I get to hang around him and his wife, it will help kill my fire. I will personalize his marriage and be able to control my own desires. I would not cross the line, am not capable of letting more happen because of my own beliefs. At the end of the day, what I believe in is stronger than anything.
whichwayisup Posted September 9, 2006 Posted September 9, 2006 You will never be open to someone else coming into your life if you two keep as 'friends.' You're emotionally attached and involved with him. And that is why the friendship thing won't work either, and it prevents you from moving on to be with SINGLE available man. You'll always wonder if you're "hurting" the MM by seeing someone else. Imagine what his wife would feel if she knew how you felt about her husband. You say you like her as well? Respect her and DO NOT BEFRIEND her husband, it's not "innocent" and platonic. The intent anyway.
IngenueMisnomer Posted September 9, 2006 Posted September 9, 2006 Since you're only at the beginning stage it would probably be easier and in your best interest to maintain your distance atleast until you are over whatever feelings you have for him. When time has passed and your romantic interest in him has ceased then it would be safe to resume your friendship with him.
Author kellyp1 Posted September 22, 2006 Author Posted September 22, 2006 Well, we are still working on this project that requires hanging out outside of work. I have hung out several times now with he and his wife (but I make sure we are not alone). First off, I will never act on my feelings, which are growing for him. Also, it is good to see the other side (how he is with her). He has mentioned they are growing apart and I can see that. If his marriage does not work out, it will not be because of me. He is in my life because I need him for a unique project and I enjoy his friendship. In the end, I want him to be happy and hope he can find that with her. If it is not with her, I would still want time between him removing himself from the situation before I could ever let anything happen with me. I don't want to be any kind of rebound ever and really would never allow myself to break up a marriage. My folks have been married over 45 years for a reason and I believe that there are a few people in your life that you like so much that you want them to be happy, even if that does not include you. I like him so much, I feel that way about him. I wish him to be happy with a successful marriage.
OceanBlue Posted September 22, 2006 Posted September 22, 2006 I work with an MM with whom there is incredible attraction. We have worked together for 4 years and have not once acted on this attraction. It goes both ways - it is acknowledged between us - joked upon - but never acted on. We love each other as the friends that we are. We care for each other and are there for each other for support and discussion if there is trouble in either of our relationships. I know his wife, enjoy her company and would never do anything to hurt her. No matter what he tells me about their relationship. So, it can be done but there has to be a concerted effort to keep the friendship platonic. Plus, try and avoid the danger situations: being totally alone, places where there may be too much alcohol served(impairing one or both of your better judgements), working to gether late at night...
Author kellyp1 Posted September 22, 2006 Author Posted September 22, 2006 I agree with all the danger zone areas you have mentioned. And thank you for acknowledging that it can be done. If both people are sincere in their efforts to maintain a friendship, I think it can be a great experience. It is nice just knowing you touched someone else's heart in this mixed up world.
whichwayisup Posted September 23, 2006 Posted September 23, 2006 All I'll say is, if his marriage is falling apart, DO NOT become the "one" he talks to and opens up to. You say already that your feelings for him are growing, so because of that you cannot be 100% objective. If he tries to talk to you about it, tell him to go to counselling to try to fix the marriage or talk to a guy friend. YOU are not that person he should go to, just because ... well, you know.
OceanBlue Posted September 23, 2006 Posted September 23, 2006 All I'll say is, if his marriage is falling apart, DO NOT become the "one" he talks to and opens up to. You say already that your feelings for him are growing, so because of that you cannot be 100% objective. If he tries to talk to you about it, tell him to go to counselling to try to fix the marriage or talk to a guy friend. YOU are not that person he should go to, just because ... well, you know. I don't know that I agree with the above at all. My friend helped me through the breakup of my marriage and a relationship or two after that. His marriage, while not perfect is not 'falling apart' so perhaps our situations aren't comparable but he and his wife are in counselling. In my experience, men don't usually share these types of things with other men. We are able to give each other the viewpoint of the opposite sex. This is not an EA - just in case anyone is starting to think that. We rarely talk about anything that couldn't be discussed in front of his wife, and she is well aware of our friendship. So I guess all is truly dependent upon what you want deep in your heart. In my case, I have a wonderful, attractive friend with a beautiful wife and family, and while we may let our talk get a little off base on rare occasions, he is my friend first, foremost and only.
GreenEyedLady Posted September 23, 2006 Posted September 23, 2006 OB: You didn't say that you two are attracted to each other...I think that's the difference... Anyways, I have personal experience on this issue and I ended up losing a mentor & best friend as well as other co-workers...and it wasn't even an affair...
OceanBlue Posted September 23, 2006 Posted September 23, 2006 Sure I did - in my first post. We have an incredible attraction to each other..just don't act on it. We've discussed it and joke about it but...we love each other and value our friendship too much to even think about crossing any lines.
GreenEyedLady Posted September 23, 2006 Posted September 23, 2006 Sorry, I didn't see that...my bad...
Freyja Posted September 23, 2006 Posted September 23, 2006 So I work with this MM and there is incredible chemistry between us. We have both agreed that we can only even hang out in public and better still a group because of the attraction. We have had long hugs that have had the potential to turn into a kiss but stopped ourselves. The pull is so strong. Do you think we can pull off the friendship? We really care about each other first and foremost. I doubt it. If you truly care about each other you will keep your distance. Please remember he is married. There are plenty of single guys out there, pick a good one for yourself not this flirtatious married man. I'm sure he's flirting with plenty others too apart from you... I mean you just can't trust this kind of men. Think about his wife, please don't let yourself be involved and be the cause for their separation - sorry even if not the cause but to be any part of this separation, you will feel bad and guilty. Lastly think about yourself, you deserve better than having a part of someone elses husband. You can have someone all to yourself. Good luck.
whichwayisup Posted September 23, 2006 Posted September 23, 2006 I don't know that I agree with the above at all. My friend helped me through the breakup of my marriage and a relationship or two after that. His marriage, while not perfect is not 'falling apart' so perhaps our situations aren't comparable but he and his wife are in counselling. In my experience, men don't usually share these types of things with other men. We are able to give each other the viewpoint of the opposite sex. This is not an EA - just in case anyone is starting to think that. We rarely talk about anything that couldn't be discussed in front of his wife, and she is well aware of our friendship. So I guess all is truly dependent upon what you want deep in your heart. In my case, I have a wonderful, attractive friend with a beautiful wife and family, and while we may let our talk get a little off base on rare occasions, he is my friend first, foremost and only. Fact is, they BOTH have feelings for eachother and because of this, it will eventually get in the way. I'm not too sure how involved her feelings are for this MM, but from her first post, it seemed quite obvious that she was willing and able to let whatever happen, happen.
MrsHellFire Posted September 23, 2006 Posted September 23, 2006 I see you are from orange county. I heard that people are very exhibitory with their affairs out there. Sounds like a very superficial and shallow place to live.
GreenEyedLady Posted September 24, 2006 Posted September 24, 2006 MHF: Affairs happen everywhere...do you have anything constructive to say?
Author kellyp1 Posted September 27, 2006 Author Posted September 27, 2006 Well, things came to a head yesterday. We were meeting at a super public place and reviewing some work stuff and the draw was so great, we almost but did not kiss. The result is both of us were left with this horrible sinking feeling that things had gone too far emotionally, even though they had not physically. We had a long talk last night that was so painful. He said (and I agree) that he would rather be able to have me in his life forever as a friend then start something that would end in someone, if not everyone, in his life being hurt. It was the rawest, emotional talk I have ever had with someone that cares for me deeply but is accepting the distant marriage as where he needs to stay. He kept explaining to me that his Mom is best friends with his wife, his family would never accept it and other excuses even though I never once mentioned us being able to be together. He is in a young marriage, no kids, she is still in college and if things continue as they are (he sleeps on the couch every night), I don't feel his marriage will be lifelong. But that is his cross to bear and nothing that I want to be a part of. I am taking steps to remove myself as much as possible from the situation. Being able to read other stories how people are forced to work through their feelings and maintain a work relationship has been great. The most painful thing he said to me was that if we ever let anything happen between us, he would lose himself in our passion. I was engaged to be married and it ended badly but nothing is as painful as having feelings that can't be with someone that feels like the love of my life...
whichwayisup Posted September 27, 2006 Posted September 27, 2006 He is in a young marriage, no kids, she is still in college and if things continue as they are (he sleeps on the couch every night), I don't feel his marriage will be lifelong. But that is his cross to bear and nothing that I want to be a part of. Just remember, there is another side to this...His wife's. You only hear one side of their marriage...Maybe in her mind, all is OK, or he's making it 'seem' like things are not great with them. Don't get sucked in this, believing all that he tells you... You really don't know what goes on between them, behind closed doors. If you want to believe he sleeps on the couch every night, then believe that, you're fooling yourself.... It IS good that you're not going to act upon those feelings. It would be a huge mistake.
justice Posted September 27, 2006 Posted September 27, 2006 I really hope you will keep your distance. My H's affair started alot like what you are going through now, I wish the ow in our case had of thought about things before she acted on them. I hope you will keep distance between you, you can never know the hurt that I've experienced from someone who didn't keep the respectable distance as you are doing. If you are intelligent and you seem to be you will not even have the thoughts of doing something that could possibly hurt so much.
NoIDidn't Posted September 27, 2006 Posted September 27, 2006 Well, things came to a head yesterday. We were meeting at a super public place and reviewing some work stuff and the draw was so great, we almost but did not kiss. The result is both of us were left with this horrible sinking feeling that things had gone too far emotionally, even though they had not physically. We had a long talk last night that was so painful. He said (and I agree) that he would rather be able to have me in his life forever as a friend then start something that would end in someone, if not everyone, in his life being hurt. It was the rawest, emotional talk I have ever had with someone that cares for me deeply but is accepting the distant marriage as where he needs to stay. He kept explaining to me that his Mom is best friends with his wife, his family would never accept it and other excuses even though I never once mentioned us being able to be together. He is in a young marriage, no kids, she is still in college and if things continue as they are (he sleeps on the couch every night), I don't feel his marriage will be lifelong. But that is his cross to bear and nothing that I want to be a part of. I am taking steps to remove myself as much as possible from the situation. Being able to read other stories how people are forced to work through their feelings and maintain a work relationship has been great. The most painful thing he said to me was that if we ever let anything happen between us, he would lose himself in our passion. I was engaged to be married and it ended badly but nothing is as painful as having feelings that can't be with someone that feels like the love of my life... You would really benefit from the book "Not Just Friends" by Shirley Glass. This is exactly how most work-related, intense friendship affairs happen. He still managed to unload a lot of personal, none-of-your-business information on you. His W would probably go balistic just to know that you even had that conversation. After this convo, she would not want you anywhere near her H. And if there wasn't much emotional bonding there, the convo would not have been "painful". You are already 4 steps into an EA. I give you three weeks before the two of you assume there is no looking back. "he would lose himself in our passion" - the byline of an EA.
Author kellyp1 Posted September 28, 2006 Author Posted September 28, 2006 I am not and will not take it any further. The heartache I have now is my own fault for going this far and I know that dealing with it now is much better than it would be later. I have been reading and see the similarities between everyone else. I know the couch sleeping is real, I have hung out with both of them and see the distance, but I want no part in whether or not it works. You are correct, intelligence into the situation does play a factor and I will not be a victim to it nor do I want her to be. Part of me wants to shake him and say make it work, there has to be some love there for you to be in a relatively young marriage. But it is not my place and neither is taking emotions from him that should be directed at his wife. I love all my married friends too much and as each of them got married, I promised to help them through the rough parts. I know marriage is not easy and props to all of you who have made it thus far. Friends have been a great factor in making it happen. Love confuses me, at 35 still single, because each of my friends have a different recipe. But I know that by me not crossing the line, I am also helping the fact that someday I might find my own available man and expect the same of him that I offer of myself. My own parents have been married 45 years now and I believe and offer support to all of you out there that are married. I know that great love still exists - maybe not for me - and I want to do my part in keeping it alive. If you are not ready to be married, please don't settle. I haven't and thank myself everyday for the incredible friends I have and the fact that I can still fall in love with the right available guy, if he ever comes around. If he doesn't, my friends around me will still remember how much love I lived my life with, despite the fact that I have not had a boyfriend in over 9 years.
whichwayisup Posted September 28, 2006 Posted September 28, 2006 You have to emotionally detach from this guy, more than you know. Your feelings for him are going to prevent you from falling inlove with someone else. You're wasting your energy, sexual and emotional, on a married man. You're too involved in the sense of knowing his daily life and his personal life. That is a receipe for a relationship - Or an affair...You know this and he knows this. And as long as his marriage is on shakey ground, YOU are a temptation to him as he is to you. I'm just saying that if you continue down the path you're on, people are going to get very hurt.
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