Chris1479 Posted September 9, 2006 Posted September 9, 2006 Hey guys, well I guess this would be the perfect place to get this all off my chest for good as I don't really have any good place to do that. It'd be great if someone listened and helped me. Basically, I have known a very special girl for about 2 years now, and in that time with our up and downs we have more or less loved each other constantly. The only problem was the distance, and people coming in between us. She was 17 when we first met, I was 18. I'm 20 in a few weeks. The other problem was that because I was so.. frightened in a way to put a name onto our relationship that neither of us really knew how concrete it was, however the pain and sadness of the perceived infidelity was just as bad. Really bad in fact, at the time she got (I feel) pretty much 'groomed' by a 30 something year old TEACHER through the internet who she ended up having sex with and lying to her mother to go see, repeatedly. I on the other hand left for university, after having a serious car accident. Cue a year of downward spirals and depression. About 1/2 way through my first year at university she realises what a terrible mistake she made, wrote loads of extremely long letters, emails, said some really beautiful and touching things. We finally met in April this year and things have been pretty much perfect ever since. I am, however, permanently insecure it seems in this relationship. I find it VERY hard, nigh on impossible to deal with the terrible imagery and heartbreak her acts have given me. She has since moved considerably closer, from Finland, to Holland. I live in England, so she is really only a 1h flight away now. Right now, as usual, I believe she is out getting drunk with her university friends. Which is fine, I guess, I mean I did that a lot too in my first year at uni. But where's the line between neediness and just accepting that she goes out a lot? I've done that now - personally - I want a quiet second year. Is this going to come between us? How do I cope with that? Especially when it seems like drinking and homework come before me every time, but then if I get pissed off about it she treats me like a kid and says I just want attention etc.. which I kinda do : / but I don't see why she wouldn't want to give it.. In the past few days when this has been happening, I'm just filled with doubts about what to do, I really love her and would find it very hard to leave her, but at the same time I find it really hard to trust her when she goes out etc. I even told her, if you want to be with someone else, you must tell me first - THEN you can do it. Do not do it, get all teary eyed, THEN drop a bombshell on me. So should I just grow a pair of balls about it and just be cool about it, tell her and risk ****ing things up even more (I think she needs ME to be the very secure one).. or what? Any ideas and perspectives are welcome.
tanbark813 Posted September 9, 2006 Posted September 9, 2006 No offense, man, but if you had balls you'd cut her loose and find someone local. You're not going to get her to stop partying and it's not worth it to put your gut through the ringer every time the weekend rolls around.
Author Chris1479 Posted September 9, 2006 Author Posted September 9, 2006 Thanks, that's a good point. You're right, if I did have the guts and willpower to do that I would, but as it is I am way too far gone in love with her to do that. Plus I'm pretty sure she loves me just as much. Just my issues are complicated, basically I'm as crazy as she is. Guess I just need some reassurance and attention, but don't wanna ask for it for being seen as very wussy.
tanbark813 Posted September 9, 2006 Posted September 9, 2006 Well one thing you should do is make sure you have your own stuff going on to keep you busy. Go hang out with your friends, go to parties, etc. Also, give her slightly less attention than she's giving you.
Author Chris1479 Posted September 9, 2006 Author Posted September 9, 2006 Thanks that's some great advice. Half knew it myself but needed to hear it. I know it's gonna be tough tho.. I'm dangerously close to being pussy whipped n find it generally really hard to give her less attention. I guess I should just bear in mind the consequences of giving her too much attention.
Author Chris1479 Posted September 9, 2006 Author Posted September 9, 2006 Oh perfect example, she signs in for 5 mins, tells me she was playin pool with the guys all night, then says how this guy got all trippy n drunk n came home with her (he lived next door) n then she refuses to say what they were talkin about!! Drives me f*cking crazy
tanbark813 Posted September 9, 2006 Posted September 9, 2006 Oh perfect example, she signs in for 5 mins, tells me she was playin pool with the guys all night, then says how this guy got all trippy n drunk n came home with her (he lived next door) n then she refuses to say what they were talkin about!! Drives me f*cking crazy I know you don't want to hear it but a girl who really loves you wouldn't do that. But she is pretty young and still immature. Also, not to be an alarmist, but if she does cheat on you it's unlikely she'd tell you. The mature thing to do is calmly express that that sort of thing is inappropriate and disrespectful since you guys are in a relationship. But from the sound of it, that tactic won't get you very far. In this case she wants to make you jealous so you need to turn the tables. Do that sort of thing back to her. Or when she says something like that respond with, "Hey can we chat later? These girls I just met want to go grab a bite to eat. It's funny too because one of them looks JUST like you." Then immediately sign out and turn off your phone.
Steph21 Posted September 9, 2006 Posted September 9, 2006 Do that sort of thing back to her. Or when she says something like that respond with, "Hey can we chat later? These girls I just met want to go grab a bite to eat. It's funny too because one of them looks JUST like you." Then immediately sign out and turn off your phone. I strongly disagree with such an approach. It is a huge turn-off for me when guys act like that. Then again, I am probably more mature than this girl sounds...and wouldn't say the stuff she's said...so maybe it would work. When a guy who obviously likes me starts saying things about how hot other girls are and such in an obvious attempt to make me jealous, it just seems really lame and desperate.
johan Posted September 9, 2006 Posted September 9, 2006 ...it's not worth it to put your gut through the ringer every time the weekend rolls around. I agree with this completely. ...Also, give her slightly less attention than she's giving you. ...In this case she wants to make you jealous so you need to turn the tables. Do that sort of thing back to her. Or when she says something like that respond with, "Hey can we chat later? These girls I just met want to go grab a bite to eat. It's funny too because one of them looks JUST like you." Then immediately sign out and turn off your phone. I can't disagree here. But if this is what it takes to keep your peace of mind in this relationship, then do you really think it's worth it? I mean if this isn't what comes second nature to you already, then why put on an act which is likely to backfire? And why be with someone who only really wants you when you're pulling a bunch of crap just trying to stay even? She wants a different kind of relationship. If you REALLY want to turn the tables on her, then tell her what you want. And if she doesn't want to provide that, turn her loose. She may just not be ready for that. One thing though, if you're just feeling insecure and wish she was fawning over you more so you can have the power in the relationship, then this may be your problem alone.
Rooster_DAR Posted September 9, 2006 Posted September 9, 2006 Too young and inmature...bottom line. roost
Author Chris1479 Posted September 10, 2006 Author Posted September 10, 2006 I'm not immature now, however the relationship BEGAN when I was, relatively, immature. Her on the other hand, it's hard to say just how immature she is or isn't. But another aspect that I really need some help with, is just how I get over what she did? How do I do that? Weeks can go by where I think I'm all over it and it's fine, and sometimes it comes into my mind but there's no emotional response, and then very recently it's come back again. Plus when I was there the masochistic side of me made me read a few old e-mails. Reading things she said like "On the train now, too much waiting and not enough sex with you!" Just haunt me. It happened a year ago now, and it's gone on for so long now that I think to some extent she feels like I should just be over it and it shouldn't be a problem any more. Ever since then however, and bearing in mind we hadn't met by that point, she has been to my knowledge completely and unerringly faithful. Her reason, according to her, for doing it was that she hated her life there and he offered her a break from reality so to speak. She also *thought* she loved him at the time and eventually realised it was still me she was in love with. Perhaps the cruellest aspect of it is not knowing just what she says is true or not, I know for a fact she said a lot of extremely romantic things to him, even told him she loved him. So when it comes to her saying the same to me, I believe it entirely... it's what I want to believe... and I think it's true. But again the problem may just lie with me as someone pointed out above... Should I just be able to put this behind me? What should I say to her? Thoughts?
Guest Posted September 13, 2006 Posted September 13, 2006 This is going to be hard to hear, but I really felt like I should respond. Someone who cheated once will in most likelihood cheat again. And (some have called me extremist about this, so take my advice or not, it's up to you) a relationship which has had infidelity involved, and she had some pretty bad infidelity by the sounds of it, can't be the same ever again. You won't be able to trust that person like you had ever again, and trust is so key and integral to the relationship that in my opinion it isn't worth having anymore. Maybe some people have success stories come from infidelity, but those are very very rare. Personally if my significant other said that they "loved" the person they cheated with and then "realized they loved me" i would be incredibly hurt by that. You keep coming back to the haunting thoughts for a reason; its a "red light!" Your heart is hurting for a reason. It doesn't deserve that. You sound like a person who puts alot of feeling and care into your relationship, the best advice i have to get out and find someone that will care about you the same way. You don't deserve someone that will make you question whether they love you or not. There are many things in life that are uncertain but a loving relationship should never be one of them.
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