my ex is lost, and feels he doesnt know himself

[Josalina]

I had been with my boyfriend for 2 and a half years, we were madly in love he was extremly romantic until one day he woke up and didn't feel himself, he said he was lost and confused and no longer felt he knew himself. He told me he had always wanted to move abroad to work after he had finished uni, where he studies sport science, however i never had heard he wanted to move away until a few months ago. As the days went on he distanced himself from me, he had recently started a new job and we no longer could spend as much time together as he needed the money, so from seeing him every day for the 2 and a half years we were together to a few times a week was hard for both of us. he was meant to be taking me to wales for a wedding today for a few days and this had been booked for some time however i haven't gone because he gave me no option but to finish it with him because as the weeks went on he became moody, and barely touched me, not even held my hand down the street, conversation became harder which was horrible because we are each others best friends as well as lovers, he made me feel he didnt care i tried being understanding but it got to the point where i felt i was with an invisible bf because he was so lost with himself. i know he still loves me and that is whats hard to deal with, because you would think if two people loved each other they would want to be together. he came round just over a week ago to talk and tell me how he felt and he didn't know wether to go abroad and leave the one he loves or stay with me and find work in this country, however he feels there is nothing for him here. I can't go with him because i am still having treatment from an injury in this country, although i have offered to met him when its complete. He decided to stay with me, however a few days later it was clear that something was still up, he was being a complete idiot towards me, i put up with so much then he asked y i was putting up with him treating me like he was, so i just gave him the choice to change and be nicer or lose me and he said he didnt think he could change and he was sorry, he was making me ill because i didnt know if the love of my life still wanted me after all this time and everything he had said. It was more complicated than what i am explaining as if not i would be here all day, but i am now heartbroken and i have no idea how a man can finish it with someone because they are confused one day when they wake up. he used to be addicted to protein shakes and going to the gym and i wonder if not taking the shakes or not having time to go to the gym may trigger something, i am thinking of everything possible. his parents told me he has been unbearable to live with recently and his mum told me to finish it as she new how horrible he had turned and she could see it was making me ill, however she didnt think he would let me end it, so that was her plan so we got back on track, only it didnt work. this is not like him at all he used to think the world of me and i did of him. He said he will contact me soon when he has found himself and will let me know what the future holds. i dont know what to do i still love him and feel lost without him. i know he loves me still but i don't know what he is thinking, please help and give your thoughts on why he may be confused one day and doing this.

thank you.

[swirly27]

Josalina,

 

Is this your first breakup? I really feel for, I do because breakups are really hard, especially when you don't see them coming. You will wonder, question, analyse and everything else ten times over and it will NEVER make sense. But I can't sit here and tell you to stop doing those things because you will anyway.

 

The only good thing I can tell you is this experience will make you stronger....not what you want to hear I am sure....but you will get thru this and you will learn about yourself and know what you deserve and don't deserve.....and maybe by then, if he comes back, YOU may not even want him back. Thats how it worked out for me with my first heartbreak.....funny how irony plays into things sometimes. But it'll be when you are over this and look back on it.

 

For now, just REALLY try to focus on yourself. Talk it out to whoever you have to, keep busy if you can, some days you'll want to be by yourself, and thats ok, but try and stay busy, keep telling yourself as much as you love him and miss him, you love YOURSELF more and even though your heart is crushed right now, you deserve someone that won't hurt you like this. IF its ever meant to be or work out again with you two, it will be when he figures his own crap out and then MOVES THE MOON for you to get you back. Its never that black n white I know and you will do what you need to do to get thru this.....but just remember to love yourself more than anyone else....or at least more than an ex who doesn't know if they want to be with you.....nothing really you can do will make them know any sooner...except maybe giving them space....and even then, some people say if they need space from you, are they worth YOUR time?? So, to each their own. Just take care of you!

[Josalina]

thank you for your reply, no this isn't my first break up, just my first true love. i really appriciate your comments. thanks

[Josalina]

i am so lonely, i miss him so much, i am trying to keep busy, i haven't text him since monday...

[swirly27]

I hear you on being lonely and there will be really hard days and then days when its not so hard. I know from experience that you NEED to keep busy, talk about how you feel and do whatever you need to do to try and feel better about yourself each day.....throw yourself into something, work, a project, whatever. Last weekend I went out last friday and saturday I stayed home and a friend visited....yet I was still lonely. This past weekend has been hard too, the weekends always are. Sometimes I want to be around people, sometimes I don't. This site has helped me TREMENDOUSLY.....even reading everyone else's ordeals and giving my opinions and support. If you're bored, haha, read my 'Baffled' post on this forum. I am a big talker, but anything to keep you busy. You deserve someone that will care about your happiness and sadness as much as you do them.....so until that happens, NC is usually the best route. I almost wanted to call my ex last night, but I got thru it. Its hard and loneliness sucks, but it doesn't last forever....make yourself happy, thats whats most important.

YOU CAN DO THIS!!

[Josalina]

I have read some of your treads swirly, im sorry to hear you have been through it as well, i totally cant understand where you are coming from in those comments, i had to finish with my bf by text too as he gave me no choice as you know, i wish i had done it to his face but he was always working, he said he wouldn't see me to finish it because he didnt want me 2 c him shedding a tear. he text saying i had been a big part in his life and he did still care but he needed to find himself. It makes me wonder if it was the easy way out for him to just cut me dead and move abroad.

I wish i could get stuck in with work or a project but i am currently signed off with a terrible injury i had at performing arts college, since the injury andrew was the only guy to get me up in the morning, the pain from the accident was agonising and i was constanly seeing hospitals, spectialist, physio's etc to get me back dancing, andrew stood by me through most of this, which i thank him for, but the reason i cant move to the other side of the world with him is because i am still having so much treatment, i will recover but as the pro's say at the hospitals it was a nasty injury and i need time to heal if not i will end up setting myself back. It is so hard coz alothough i am finally showing signs of inprovement i havent got the one man in my life to lean on for support, don't get me wrong i supported him through his problems too but its hard to get stuck into things when i had to finish my job through the injury.

I cant wait to get back but i think this is whats making it worse as i cant put my all into anything at the mo. It is such a long story and so much more on top but it is hard to go into much detail at the mo as everything seems wizzing round my head, its like one think after another. thats where my nick name is from josalina the ballerina, my real name is Joanna.

Does it get better with time losing someone you love? i know i will always remember him and it would be easier if i could go back to dance school and work in my performing career and go out clubbing etc but as i am limited while i am getting over an injury i seem to be doing nothing but seeing doctors and hospitals etc.

sorry i have gone on for so long.

do u still miss your ex like crazy? as i sometimes feel stupid for giving him the option of letting go although i know it was the right thing to do.

I hope your having a good weekend this weekend and i totally understand the pain u have gone through, take care.

[swirly27]

I can't imagine what you are going thru, the ordeal of the injury and him being there for you for such a big part of that, thats gotta be hard. Thats where it will be good for you to learn how to be there for yourself, and then have your friends and family there for you too. Yes it is different when there is a loved one in your life that is now missing....that is different than a friend or a family member, and it SUCKS. But yes, it does get easier.

 

I have learned from past heartbreaks, that half the time, our hearrs are so lonely and empty because we miss and want a PART and a PIECE of what we had before....but would we be really truly happy if our exes were in our lives only giving us half of themselves??? NO! But it does get easier....you start to depend on yourself more, have fun with friends, learn new things, read books, do whatever, especially something new, that will take your mind off things. Then, before you know it, your life WILL be more fulfilled and it'll be about different things and reasons and NOT because of him. I remember my first love and at that time I went to school with him AND worked with him and it was HORRIBLE when we would have breakups. But, you get thru it.

 

I do still miss my ex, different aspects of him and the passion, as I am a hardcore romantic, which is probably why heartbreaks hurt me even more. Intimacy and conversations and such always mean SOO much to me, but I guess not to him as much. I also think I miss the idea of what I thought him and I could have, I think thats a huge part of it for me. Plus, the way things ended with him and I, I have NO answers or ideas or any knowledge of what REALLY happened. He told my friend I wanted more than he did.....but where the hell did that come from I have no idea. He blew off plans and I wanted to know why??? So I guess that means I wanted more than he did. I know I deserve to be with someone that will not do those things and IF things don't work out with 2 people, they should be mature enough to communicate that to someone....unlike my ex. So, in time I will get over the hurt. Thats why rebounds are so popular too because people want to fill the void....but they end up usually hurting someone...but meeting new people in general can DEFINITELY help going thru this. Like, if you start school again and meet some new friends, guys and girls, and you start to find different things attractive in other guys that is opposite of your ex, THAT can help cause it makes you see how many other people are out there and then one day, your ex won't even matter anymore and you'll wonder why you wasted so much time thinking about him.

 

Some people do work their way back to each other, but the best thing is to move on as if that will never happen. He obviously has some issues and right now, he can't focus on a relationship like it deserves, so you wouldn't be truly happy anyway, and you don't want scraps! Make yourself happy cause thats the best revenge and the most healthiest thing to do. It just sucks getting there! lol I also hope you make a FULL healthy recovery - but compare it to your breakup - if you were to jump into dancing again so quickly, you'd hurt yourself again and could do more damage - just like a breakup or heartbreak, if you don't take the time to properly heal, it could only cause more damage. Just move on from him and focus on yourself. Thats all any of us can try and do.

[Josalina]

thank you so much for you reply you r so right, although it is hard i know u r right. its silly today i found myself getting glammed up incase i saw him out, i didn't so im now lounging in comfy clothes! lol but the point is i am coming to terms with maybe it is just not meant to be, and thats the hardest part.

people say you hit many stages, starts at anger, asking yourself how could they do this, and then denial i was still in denial thinking we may get back together or worst still i would do something then think, i cant wait to tell andrew later, then the sudden realise is, you can't. i never realised how hard heart ache was, they never show that in the movies or whatever they only show the good stuff, and you go round in a perfect little bubble thinking it will stay that way forever and when you do get a sudden shock that it wont it is hard to believe.

 

i still take my mobile evryway hoping 4 a text or call, but then i know if i did get one i wouldn't know what to do lol:laugh:

 

when u said u still don't totally know why or even how it happened, i feel the same we seemed perfect in every way, i know nothing is perfect but i felt i had something there and 2 and a half years is a long time to feel that and then one day nothing.

especially when they make you truely believe they love u and would go to the end of the world for you, it just goes to show us ladies never really know what men are thinking, anything could set these creatures off! lol.

just when you thought you knew them, you don't. amazing hey.

i can never understand how someones feelings for someone can just stop like that.

 

have u got any problems at the mo? as u have been v.kind helping me through mine and i wud like to try and return the favour. i shall read some more of your threads soon.

 

i'm sorry i could talk for britain it does help to write how i feel though, i find myself putting things sometimes i didn't know i felt! ha ha oh dear well i had better go and strengthen my inner core lol been told to do pilates as it help to stregthen the spine etc and speed up my recover time, i have a class once a week but find myself practising at home, lol if anyone could honestly see me i look positively ridiculous ha ha, oh well better do me swan dives.

take care.

[Rooster_DAR]

It always breaks my heart to see people go through this kind of tragedy. Sounds to me you are going to be okay, just keep up with yourself. When people say they need time apart to find themselves, they are basically saying they want to break up or their not in love anymore. They are just afraid to hurt the other party, and want to avoid the guilt of doing the dirty work.

 

Roost

[Guest]

Mine started at the beginning of this week my husband of almost 5 years wants out and I am so heartbroken. I don't know your ages but I am 42 and my husband is 51 and he is going through a midlife crisis although he don't think so. I have done research on it, grasping at straws why this is happening to me. I found the article that I found doing a google search on midlife crisis very enlightening. It said that it can start in your 40's give or take 20 years. Maybe you can check that out and shine some light on your situation. I hope it helps because your story sounds so much like mine.

[Rooster_DAR]

I don't think any of this has to do with midlife crisis, although there are some of the same symtoms. If I were to take a gander at guessing, I would say midlife crisis has a better chance of a good outcome than the standard person who is just not into the relationship anymore.

 

BTW I'm 41.

[Josalina]

thanks rooster and guest, sorry i don't know your name?

I wish it was a midlife crisis because at least then i would know, but im not sure men get them at around 23? i am sorry you r going through the same situation as me, it isn't easy but i have to remember everything is done for a reason. i just keep trying to get on with my life and try to block out the heartbreak, that way if he contacts fabulous and if not every day without him should hopfully get easier once you have come to except it and one day you will wonder y u bothered. this doesnt help now i know but good things come to those who wait, or so i keep telling myself lol.

[swirly27]

Josalina, it sounds like you are doing better bit by bit and that is great. You will have good days, great days and then horrible days so yes there is definitely stages and they can overlap and mingle. But you have to KNOW that nothing you DO will bring him back right now. Successfull reconcialiations only happen when those 2 people decide it is worth it, not just one. So if he doesn't feel the same way, nothing will help or matter.

 

Thanks for the kind words on my post, I am just in a funk and probably going to be for awhile. I have had NC with my ex now for a month. It was a month this past friday that I ended it. I did make one phonecall a week after that because I felt weird that it all ended with a text message, even though I did it, but I wanted to have a conversation about it all, even just to mend the ending a little bit, I thought we had had enough of a connection and enough respect that he would want that too....but I guess not. He just didn't want to deal with it period. That hurts but I will get over it in time.\

 

So for now, like you, I am just working on getting myself better and taking care of myself. Trying to hang out with friends and keeping busy. Its all any of us can do. But this site is helping me SO MUCH with this breakup, I'd be lost without it!! I hope things continue to get better for you and that you get stronger and stronger. Soon, you won't be caring if he calls your cell or not....it just takes time.

[Rooster_DAR]

Magnificent post Swirly!

 

[Josalina]

aw thanks swirly.

cor a month, it weren't that long ago then. i haven't spoken 2 my ex since last monday, the day after we finished it.

i understand y u had to call your ex, i felt the same thats y i asked the day after we split by text whether he wud met up to talk, he didn't want to, for the reason of... wait for it.. he didn't want me to c him shed a tear, i don't really believe that, think it was cos he just couldn't care less but nevermind, i shall know if he cares if he contacts, i wonder how long it wud take him to know himself?! lol any ideas?

 

I wud of liked to of seen him to say goodbye properly but nevermind.

men r so hard to work out lol, but then they prob say that about us women.

hope u r having a good day.

take care

[swirly27]

Yeah its funny, all the hurt men on this site think we women are evil, haha, and us hurt women think men are horrible, so its all relative.

 

Yeah, its only been a month for me and my ex, but it feels like soooo much longer. The only good thing coming out of this time, and I do mean the ONLY good thing I feel right now is I am not repeatedly contacting him. To each their own who do this with their exes, cause god knows I have in the past.....but my last bad breakup, 2 yrs ago, I told him I couldn't be friends cause he really wanted to and then a week later I said I changed my mind and wanted to be friends and then we had months of BS and more hurt and more confusion and it ended up him blocking me on IM. That hurt! But, a couple months later he texted me asking if we could be friends....WEIRD! Anywho, I always wished in that breakup that I could have stuck to my original decision of not being friends. I would have been hurt either way, but if they don't want you, nothing we do will make them change their minds....EXCEPT maybe NC. The fear I toy with now is 'Does my ex know how much I liked him?' I ended it and I was upset when he blew me off and I did call a week after ending it but I left a nice upbeat message saying NOTHING of missing him or anything.....so STUPIDLY I ask myself sometimes, WHAT IF HE THINKS I DON'T CARE......and then I try and smack myself in the face when I do that! hahaha Because that is complete BS. All he'd have to do is ask, if HE cared enough about me and I had every right to be hurt and angry and he KNOWS it. So self-smacking can be good sometimes!

 

At least your ex answered your communication attempt, even though he gave a very SLY answer. See, I have alot of guy friends and I have dated and known quite a few players and players know how to play the game, lay on the compliments, say all the right things and end things when they don't want it anymore....but my ex just blew some stuff off and then vanished, out of nowhere. How can I be the first girl he got really excited about in over a year and then POOF! I can't wait till one day it won't matter anymore....THAT'LL be the day he contacts me! UGH haha

 

Hope you are feeling better this week, one day at a time! haha

[Rooster_DAR]

Yeah its funny, all the hurt men on this site think we women are evil, haha, and us hurt women think men are horrible, so its all relative.

I don't think all women are evil, just the ones who pi**ed me off.

 

[Josalina]

that is so true swirly the day you get over them will b the day they contact ha ha. men er!

i have left u post on your thread, just gotta go make a few calls then i will b back.

lol bless ya rooster, only the ones who pi**ed u off ha ha.

[Josalina]

oh dear i need help guys, i know what is now wrong with my ex, someone told me to type quarter life crisis in the google search engine, i done it and that is whats wrong with my ex and the reason we ended it.

now question is do i contact him to tell him that is whats wrong with him, as he didnt know or do i still wait 4 him to come to me?

i dont know what to do?

[swirly27]

Well unfortunately, I would still leave him be. If he makes contact with you and you guys get into any type of discussion about what went wrong, I wouldn't tell him you researched him and how he acts, I would just tell him he has some things to work out and ask him if he ever really truly thought about what those issues could be. He needs to figure this out for himself....

[Josalina]

ok. but im worried he wont know 4 years what it is whether he ever will, i didnt want to contact though, ur right i may leave it a few days and see if he makes the first move. thanks 4 getting back quickly.

[Josalina]

my mum said she saw andrew driving home on his own today from town, it has been rather hard for me today.

i went to the salon 4 some pampering today which helped but just feeling a lil lonely. i know everyone has been their at some point, i called my best mate but she is ill with flu so thought i would write on my on thread to make myself feel better.

i refuse to text or call him, i came close today but stopped myself, i just wonder if he thinks i didnt care, which werent the case at all, think i am thinking to much, went for a walk down the beach today but was on my own so that didnt help coz i was thinking as had no one to chat to to take my mind off it.

the stupid thing is i find myself thinking about him every min of the day, it doing my head in! lol

oh well hope everyones ok?

[swirly27]

my mum said she saw andrew driving home on his own today from town, it has been rather hard for me today.

i went to the salon 4 some pampering today which helped but just feeling a lil lonely. i know everyone has been their at some point, i called my best mate but she is ill with flu so thought i would write on my on thread to make myself feel better.

i refuse to text or call him, i came close today but stopped myself, i just wonder if he thinks i didnt care, which werent the case at all, think i am thinking to much, went for a walk down the beach today but was on my own so that didnt help coz i was thinking as had no one to chat to to take my mind off it.

the stupid thing is i find myself thinking about him every min of the day, it doing my head in! lol

oh well hope everyones ok?

 

I am sorry today is a hard one Josalina! see how even when you kept busy with the salon and walking and trying to stay busy, he is still on your mind all day? It sucks doesn't it. Yet tomorrow might be better and you might not think about it as much, I hate the ups and downs. I have been arguing with myself as well about wondering 'what if he thinks I don't care'....and we have to stop thinking that way. I have had guys I dated who would have tried anything at that time to get me back or whatever, even if I did tell them I didn't care....and here we are worried these exes won't want us cause they think we don't care....its never the case. No one 9 times out of 10 won't contact someone they really miss or care about just because they think the other person doesn't care anymore. When you care enough, you always make the effort....like you are trying so hard to stop yourself from doing....but the circumstances and how things are going point to you needing to do NC - not because you don't care, but quite the opposite, because you care too much. You want more than what he is willing to give and to be better in the long run and not be so hurt over and over, NC is the best thing. It just is the hardest thing short term because if you had contact with him, it wouldn't be like cutting cold turkey - but look what happens when you do have some contact, it hurts each day for a different reason - at least with NC its the same reason for hurt and with time, it dwindles. I feel for you though, today is another down day for me too, but oh well. We will survive!!!

[Josalina]

i know i feel myself weakening so much now, it has hardly been two weeks since i last heard from him, but even that seems like a year, it is so hard.

i wonder the same thing, what if he thinks i dont care, i left him at his lowest point, at the time i thought i was doing the right thing, but now it is hell thinking i may of let him down, ya know.

i thought it would get better but i am getting worse, i can feel my heart aching ya know, i feel like i have lost my soul mate. but then i guess everyone goes through this, right?

thanks 4 the kind words, i have gotta snap out of this.

if i saw him out i think i would faint! ha ha

 

do men actually have feelings do recon? i dont mean that to seem harsh but do u think they think as much as us women as i dont even think he has thought about it, i recon he will just sod off out the country and be done with it, i will just get a text to let me know what country it is i recon lol . y do men behave like this, i am so confused. do u think they even care how we feel?

 

everytime i feel i have gotta keep busy i find myself thinking more, because i know i am only trying to keep busier for a reason.

there are times i actually wish i never met him, that way i wouldn't b hurting, but then i think if i hadn't met him i would never have known what love was, so maybe we shouldn't cry because its over and just smile because it happened, or what ever that saying it ha ha.

 

this website has helped so much, its like an online diary lol.

sorry to go on, just wondering when the pain will stop as i am very torn up, he said he will let me know when he knows himself and what the future holds, the hardest thing is knowing he has to work out whats wrong with him for himself, i know he is going through a quarter life crisis but i think u r right he wouldn't want to hear that, wud he?

i just feel lost myself, men er lol.

 

i have got pilates tonight so that may keep me busy for an hour or so.

i hope u r all ok and having a good day? thanks 4 being there.

[swirly27]

What sucks is it does get harder. You feel numb and almost dead at first, and then it gets a little better but then as time goes on, it gets harder for awhile. Its like the longer you aren't contacting them, the longer you realize they aren't contacting you either - especially when you are still hoping to hear from them. So as time goes by with NC, you get scared, worried or all of the above. Thats where I am now with my NC. I keep trying to tell myself its over and he's never going to contact me again, but I still have a hope bug inside of me somewhere. Keeping busy won't keep your mind off of him....its just in the long run, it helps a little and can get you to experience new things, meet new people and not just be holed up inside with ONLY you. It is going on 6 weeks of NC for me and my feelings about it are like a roller coaster. But, I've been thru this before and all it takes is time - so we have to ride it out - at least I know that I tried once with being friendly and such with him and thats all I have done and can do - I won't lose my dignity or self respect by chasing him with this - believe me though I have done that too in the past and again, to each their own, cause sometimes we can't do NC. But I've learned that 99% of the time when you keep trying to do the contacting and winning them back, you almost always regret it and wish you had just done NC sooner.