silktricks Posted September 8, 2006 Posted September 8, 2006 My husband was so unutterably jealous the whole time that HE was having an EA. He was constantly questioning me. Many of the people I work with are men, and my H practically drove me CRAZY with his jealousy while all the time he was writing another woman. Ever since he told me about it and told her he wanted no more contact with her (2+ years now), his jealousy towards me has diminished and is basically back to normal. In other words, he lets me know if he is feeling jealous, but doesn't blame his feelings on me. At first I thought it was a fluke of some kind, but now I think his emotional playing around made him think I was, too. (Or maybe a part of him wanted to think that I was to ease his conscience?) Is this what other BS have experienced? If you're a WS, did you experience feelings of jealousy towards your BS while you were having an affair?
LucreziaBorgia Posted September 8, 2006 Posted September 8, 2006 Its a strange double standard but I think the reason for the jealousy is because the WS knows that he/she isn't really going to go anywhere permanently despite the affair, but they can't be sure that the BS won't do that.
Mz. Pixie Posted September 8, 2006 Posted September 8, 2006 I think it's a way to throw off the BS. I know alot of cheating partners say "It's not me you're cheating" when they are asked about cheating. Plus, they are doing it and getting away with it so it seems easy to do so to them.
Author silktricks Posted September 8, 2006 Author Posted September 8, 2006 I tend to agree more with Mz Borgia than Mz Pixie. I know that my husband's jealousy was real honest to god JEALOUSY not simply trying to throw me off. Though the getting away with it may enter into their attitudes. . .
EndoftheRope Posted September 8, 2006 Posted September 8, 2006 OH WOW! This is one of the things that has driven me absolutely NUTS about H's behavior! The whole time he's having all these e-mails, and friendships, and even WEEKLY COFFEE DATES with other women, while I sit home with kids, practically isolated from the human race-- he's yelling at me that I'm going to have an affair with some guy I haven't seen in 21 years if we let our daughter go to school in the school district where he lives! (Right, real rational: I'm home with not one, but two, four year olds and a brand new baby and my daughter is riding the bus twenty-five miles to this school district, to a school that's another five miles still from where he works or lives, and this somehow translates into he and I having sex? HOW???????) Here's another one: apparently I mentioned in my journal, something like EIGHT YEARS ago, that I thought some guy at a friend's house was cute. I can't even remember who this guy was or anything about him, or writing it. Here he was last year, at the time still sending and receiving near -daily "you're such a special friend: forwards from a 25 year old, and sending her back "surveys" telling her he thinks she's cute-- and he says no big deal to that, but he's genuinely, furiously ANGRY with me for noting a private thought eight years ago! Thanks for bringing this up! Once again, it helps me to know I'm not crazy!
stargazer12 Posted September 13, 2006 Posted September 13, 2006 That is exactly what cheaters do. I experienced that too. My wife was cheating for 3 years and was insanely jealous, even after her affair ended. She was so terrified that I would cheat on her. They know that it hurts so much and do not want to be hurt, as they did you. Selfish and they are, unfair it is. They are insecure people and quite selfish. The other thing is they almost always blame the betrayed for their affair, though they it is they who have wronged their spouse, a smoke for their own guilt. Never an excuse, for infidelity, it is amazing how someone can look you in the face and tell you they love you, sneak off to a motel, for great lairs.
UnknowingOW Posted September 13, 2006 Posted September 13, 2006 My ExH was all about the baiting of this topic. Never worked with me though and I thought nothing of it. Boy did I learn something...lol
jonesgirly Posted September 13, 2006 Posted September 13, 2006 Oh HELL yeah! While my H was conducting his two-year EA with a younger co-worker, he became increasingly intolerant of my conversing about ANY male co-workers (like I had always done in the past). I questioned and questioned him about this 'change' in his behavior, but never received a rational explanation. He became INSANELY jealous and suspicious after noticing "a" phone call from one of the (male) supervisors that I work with (a contract company - lots of communcation every day). That is, ONE call on my cellphone. Later, after I discovered WELL OVER 100 cellphone calls to his "G/F" from HIS cellphone, well, um...I guess that explained his 'over-reaction.' And, when I recall the conversations about this "one" cellphone call I had received (yes, work-related), he indicated that he feared it was the 'start of something else.' I guess thats because he was already well entrenched in the 'something else'. And oh, how it pisses me off to remember those conversations - me trying to explain how much easier it is to get ahold of me by cellphone instead of having me paged throughout two buildings, etc. He INSISTED on remaining 'jealous' and suspicious about it. AND..get this, the reason that "I" now had to work more closely with our subcontractors was because my assistant (who normally handled subcontractors) was out on maternity leave, and WE HAD JUST VISITED HER AND THE NEW BABY! A LOT of things seem pretty 'obvious' to me now....mostly the sudden onset of irrational jealousy, suspicion and questioning of 'normal' events. I guess it truly does "take one, to know one" when it comes to unfaithful behavior!!!! Hell, I never suspected a THING! But looking back now, he was wearing the usual "costume" of a married person who finds themselves full of attraction and lust for a person and pursues it.
Author silktricks Posted September 14, 2006 Author Posted September 14, 2006 I finally asked my H about this - the jealousy thing - and he says now that he didn't know if I really loved him - he doesn't relate it to his wandering eye, but I do. I guess it is understandable, though, that he wasn't clear about my love for him given some of my behavior prior to his EA. Still, he was the same way, he'd check my phone and get positively insane if there was a single number on it that he didn't recognize.
EndoftheRope Posted September 14, 2006 Posted September 14, 2006 Oh, yes, I get questioned all the time about phone calls. I get loads of calls that turn up as men on the caller ID because I teach music lessons. But he always asks, and it has been my gut feeling that there's a big QUESTION MARK in his eyes.
Spinderella Posted September 14, 2006 Posted September 14, 2006 I suppose when people cheat, they are often shocked at their own behaviour. Perhaps it is the realisation of the fragility of the marriage that makes them behave insecurely and jealously, even though they are the ones who are straying. Perhaps they realise that if it was that easy for them to do, it would be that easy for their spouse to do.
bchlvr Posted September 15, 2006 Posted September 15, 2006 Here's another variation on this theme: The cheating partner suddenly asserts a ("never before seen")distorted and unwavering conviction that their partner is jealous and possessive. This, just before the affair has been discovered. The idea has no basis in reality and has never been an issue before in the relationship. It makes me think that the WS will use anything to try to even out the playing field.
KrisMuseumGirl Posted September 15, 2006 Posted September 15, 2006 I wanted to post my reply only because it seems to be different from what most people experience which interested me as much as the topic itself. When I was the OW and still married to my H, I was NEVER jealous of the H. Fact of the matter (and you're all going to think I'm real weird) but the fact of the matter is that I almost wished he were had his own OW so I could walk away with no complications. The only reason that I ever checked on him was so I might find some "relief"! Is that strange? I would've said "phew! thank God he's doing it too and now we can shake hands and part ways". And it's not that I didn't love him. I do. I just wasn't "in love" with him anymore and didn't want him to get hurt so I secretly hoped that he was doing it too. Dumb right? But you want to know who I was jealous of? My MM's wife! I hated it whenever he talked about going to a function with her. I hated hearing about the expensive gifts he bought her - because of course he bought me NOTHING! I used to have to listen to how she had the best of everything and I went shopping at Wal-mart to make ends meet. My GOD! Thank God it's all over! Jealousy is such a waste of energy and time!
FrogWart Posted September 15, 2006 Posted September 15, 2006 My wife was jealous of me when she was having an affair. I think it was her guilt. Do any of you guys remember that classic book (I can't remember the name) but we all had to read it in High School. It talked about how I guy buried another guy beneath the floor board of his shack and tried to act natural when I visitor came. The story was all about how he could hear the buried man's heartbeat louder and louder until it was deafening? Guilt does crazy things to a person. Over reacting or seeing things that aren't there is one of them.
My_Other_I Posted September 15, 2006 Posted September 15, 2006 I was never jealous of my exH. I actually wished he was having an affair, too. Twisted, isn't it. I guess my reasoning was that in that case we were both guilty and would end it. Well, turned out he was only coming home late at night because he already knew and was trying to figure out what should come next.
Buttaflyy Posted September 16, 2006 Posted September 16, 2006 It was his conscience f'ing with him. He knows what he's doing and knows that it's possible that you could too. Those doors were opened and he'd been having a karmic reaction.
Guest Posted September 16, 2006 Posted September 16, 2006 I was told that the W was jealous because the H was cheating! If I were her, I'd kick his butt to the door and be pissed, not jealous of the OW!
Buttaflyy Posted September 17, 2006 Posted September 17, 2006 I was told that the W was jealous because the H was cheating! If I were her, I'd kick his butt to the door and be pissed, not jealous of the OW! Huh?.......
BenThereDunThat Posted September 17, 2006 Posted September 17, 2006 It's always the guilty dog that barks the loudest. Whenever I hear of an overly jealous spouse/mate, that's my first thought, that they themselves are cheating.
Blind Illusion Posted September 18, 2006 Posted September 18, 2006 . Do any of you guys remember that classic book (I can't remember the name) but we all had to read it in High School. It talked about how I guy buried another guy beneath the floor board of his shack and tried to act natural when I visitor came. The story was all about how he could hear the buried man's heartbeat louder and louder until it was deafening? Guilt does crazy things to a person. Over reacting or seeing things that aren't there is one of them. The TellTale heart, maybe. It was a short story by Edgar Allen Poe. Good point.
mopar crazy Posted September 19, 2006 Posted September 19, 2006 My H filed for a D to be w/ the xOW. I started chatting w/ guys on the net. I wasn't looking for a R w/ a man just wanted to find men to chat w/, just for the hell of it. He came to see our children one night and I was on the puter chatting w/ a guy, nothing sexual. He became jealous and said "So, you're trying to hook up w/ guys on the internet now?" I could see the jealousy in his eyes. I asked him why he cared, he wanted out of the M. He also got upset b/c I started smoking again and wasn't happy when he stopped by and I was out having a smoke w/ my sil. Again, I asked him why he cared, he didn't want to be M to me anymore. He didn't say a word and walked away. I don't think they like the idea that the BS is going on w/ their lives if they are talking and flirting w/ the opposite sex.
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