bella1 Posted September 8, 2006 Posted September 8, 2006 Hello Friends: Here is the info...My boyfriend and I have known each other for 2 years and have been in a serious committed relationship for 6 months...most nights he stays at my apartment, we cook together, he helps me with things around the apartment and to move in, he keeps many of this things here... I am paying for everything, he did offer me a $100.00 to put towards the utilities....and he buys dinner and cooks it once in a while. I am finanically fine without his help. BUT when I ask him "When are you really going to move in?" He says "I don't want to now and I don't know when I will". We are in our mid 30's and love each other, talk about marriage and living our lives together. How can he say he wants to marry me but he is not ready to live with me? Is he commitment phobic? Is 6 months too soon even if we are unofficially living together now. I am getting angry about the bills as well. I love him, but I don;t want to keep wasting time on commitment phobic men... HELP!
Sally00 Posted September 8, 2006 Posted September 8, 2006 It's great that you have known each other for a long time before you got into a relationship. A great friendship is the way to a great love. I take it you read my post "marriage 2 soon...." hehe. Anyways, he doesn't sound the commitment phobia type. If he says he wants to marry you, then that is a sign of COMMITMENT. It doesn't mean he wants to marry you right away... same as moving in together. Usually moving in together is done after marriage. 6 months isn't too soon to be engaged/married... it's not like he's a stranger. You've been friends with him for 2 years. So you definitely know who he is. Now rushing it with a guy you've been with for 2 months and known for maybe a few weeks before that?? That's a totally different story. It doesn't seem like you are wasting your time on this guy. He just wants to take things slowly and not rush... unlike someone I know. He sounds like a keeper. Don't push anything. He probably already has a plan.
Rikka Posted September 8, 2006 Posted September 8, 2006 I don't think you have anything to really worry about. It sounds like you guys are doing just fine. He might be like me... I have a hang up with the idea of actually moving in with someone. I like my own space. Yes when my boyfriend was here I practically spent all my free time over at his place, but at the end of the day I still had my own space. Usually moving in together is done after marriage. That is my own personal sentiment (and probably my hang up with me personally living with someone).
ggirl1553 Posted September 8, 2006 Posted September 8, 2006 I'm the same way. I've been dating my bf for about 2 years and we talk about getting married in the future, but he knows already that I don't want to move in until then. I do like having my own space. I'm in college right now and have 3 roommates, so I look forward to having my own apt for a year or so when i graduate. Also, I've seen a really messy breakup when the couple shared an apartment, and I hate the idea of a breakup disrupting my life to the point of having to move out. It's hard enough already without that kind of added stress. So I wouldn't take the fact that he's not ready to move in as a test of his commitment to you.
rainfall Posted September 8, 2006 Posted September 8, 2006 I don't really think 6 months is to soon for some people. I moved in with my boyfriend after 3 months and we are still together 6 years later. I think it just depends on the people and how well they click and what level of commitment they want to take their relationship to.
norajane Posted September 9, 2006 Posted September 9, 2006 I wouldn't move in with someone unless we were married, regardless of whether it's 6 months or 6 years, and regardless of whether we spent every day together anyway. I like having my own space and won't give it up unless it's for marriage. If you're pissed about the bills, take the money he offered you. $100 should cover the extra electricity and gas. I'm guessing he has his own cell phone? If the food is costing you more, ask for enough to split it.
Mary3 Posted September 9, 2006 Posted September 9, 2006 If he lives with why can't he split the bills. ? He sounds like a sap sucking leech...
johan Posted September 9, 2006 Posted September 9, 2006 I have a lot of anger for commitment-phobic people. Or those who act like it. I live in fear of falling again for someone who can never really give herself to me. It's one thing to just not have the feelings. But when you realize that, you can move on. And that makes sense to me. But people who continually find excuses for not committing, but who stick around and waste your time and emotion, they should just be shot.
justagirliegirl Posted September 9, 2006 Posted September 9, 2006 I have a lot of anger for commitment-phobic people. Or those who act like it. I live in fear of falling again for someone who can never really give herself to me. It's one thing to just not have the feelings. But when you realize that, you can move on. And that makes sense to me. But people who continually find excuses for not committing, but who stick around and waste your time and emotion, they should just be shot. I so agree with this! After awhile it become poop or get off the pot!
Walk Posted September 9, 2006 Posted September 9, 2006 You probably won't like this story, but remember it's just ONE person, not a every man, so take it with a grain of salt. My bf dated his ex for 2 years and wouldn't commit to living with her. I guess she asked him several times throughout the relationship, and he always stated he wasn't ready. He said he really loved her. And he helped her out financially and emotionally through really difficult times. They also spent a lot of time together, but always at her place. However, he asked me to move in with him after 4-5 months of dating. I'm still undecided if the reason he didn't want to live with the other women was because he felt that they would take his freedom from him? Or a combination of loss of freedom and subconcious recognition of underlying problems? But I get the feeling that loss of freedom was the main concern for him. Another guy I know. Friend of mine who I knew for about 6-7 years. He dated a girl for several years and would never move in with her. He also complained of lack of freedom with her. Also her attempt to lock him down into marriage, without offering what he wanted in return (more exciting sex). They broke up and he started dating another girl. Moved in with her after a few months. Still lives with her. I think it depends on a lot of things. 6 months of dating (officially) isn't that long a period of time. But I'd say if it starts getting close to that one year mark and he's still vague and non-commital in his response to your questions, then show him the door because he either isn't self-aware enough to know what he wants, or is purposefully keeping you in the dark on how he really feels. However, if he's able to talk about "why" he feels he isn't ready, and can communicate his thoughts and feelings in ways that would allow both of you to come to some comprimises so both of you are happy... then great, stick it out and attempt to find a way to make it work. Otherwise you're just wasting time on someone who isn't ever going to give you any more than you're getting right now. No progression in the relationship, only stagnating til one or both of you leave.
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