TheWife-Moving On

[TheWife]

LS has been a cathartic experience for me as it has been for others. My only regret is having my story splattered at a time when my STBXH, Motoman are at the peak of our marital discord. Our lives became an online amusement and entertainment. Like the Jerry Springer Show, many of you were active audience and participants throwing your views in a bitter tennis match between two people who finally reached their boiling point with no positive results in the end, but a predictable one.

 

I've acknowledged my part in the demise of our M. The ONE biggest fault I have, if it is one, is being myself...assertive, blunt and unafraid. And yes, I can be diplomatic when the situation calls for it. And I do have patience, a must in my profession. Friends have reminded me such. My assertiveness was nothing new to my H. But as time went by, our differences became more apparent and a struggle. H saw it as me trying to contol him. I saw it as challenging, asking, pleading him to follow through on his words. Then came H's new discovery and the desire to be more assertive because he saw the value in it. But with it, came new struggles to find balance. This can happen to anyone wanting to change, whatever that maybe. The problem with making a change in your life is you have to WANT it for the right reasons. I think H saw it as a means to compete with me, while I saw it (so I thought) as his/a desire to improve. To illustrate:

 

Yesterday as I was in the backyard shoveling out a cement block inch by inch with my good leg, H came to tell me he was going to a Toastmaster's meeting. I said great. Then he said, "so that I can learn how to debate with my wife better." Puzzled, I glanced at him and calmly said, "You need not worry about that anymore because you already have a someone who won't argue with you. I've already taken myself out of that equation."

 

If I were to be asked at what point when our M went south, I couldn't honestly answer because it is unclear, tho it doesn't matter anymore. STBXH may have a clearer idea of the timeline. On my end, I thought things were fine. I thought MC prior to and throughout our M things were fine. I trusted my H completely. We even made a promise to each other that if ever one of us decided to cheat to let the other know so that we can spare the innocent from humility and betrayal. I kept that promise. But H didn't. There was no indication that H was unhappy. That's why the MC. As truth be told, he was already engaged in an affair 6 months prior to our first year anniversary even while we were in MC.

 

I debated rehashing this painful part of my life. But it is more painful to have to read my H's ongoing "negative framing" of me.Tho not surprised, it no longer has the same impact as it once did. It's his choice. It's been a blessing and a reminder to me that my choice to move on IS the right and ONLY choice.

 

Last Friday, I spent the afternoon with friends, while STBXH stayed home. When I returned later that evening, H commented about whether or not I had a great time with my "boyfriend". I calmly said, "why would you care if I had one. Afterall, you've had a mistress who's been your girlfriend for 2-1/2 years of our 3 year marriage." He didn't reply. I left and went to my room.

 

Today, he called at 4:30 to see if I wanted to have dinner together. I had other plans. A week prior, H didn't return any of my calls all day. The last few days, he didn't call. Didn't expect him to, nor did it matter anymore or I just didn't care. But when he does call, it's his way of indirectly wanting to know if I'll be fixing dinner.

 

When I returned, H began asking indirect questions to find out where and who I have been. Just last night, he received a call on his cell that he didn't answer. I asked who it was and he said it was none of my business. I said, Ok and left it at that. So I answered his first few questions until it got to "who I was with". Calmly, I said, "I'm going to use the same reply as you gave me last night which is none of your business." He finally left and drove off minutes later. I would have been home sooner, but I just didn't want to be home.

 

I have given him a draft of our MSA which I've written a couple of days ago for him to review and to discuss if any of it needs to be changed. We've pretty much agreed to each one. We've agreed this would be the best course of action leading to a divorce without having two lawyers involved.

 

I've since asked H to move. He said he would. I asked him again this morning, he said he would by this weekend. For this I am hoping it will take place so that he and I can just move on.

 

There was a time when I could have trusted him and love him again. But a person can only forgive so much until there is nothing left to forgive that the only thing you can do is save yourself. I have done both. I forgave and then I saved myself.

 

My principles for M hasn't changed. That is, M is equally shared: 100%-100%. Why give only 50% work and effort when you can and should give 100%? I'm also not one to give up easily, even when it comes to love.

 

As I have said to him, I wish my STBXH no ill will. I wish him the best in the next chapter of his life. I've already begun mine.

 

I would have preferred to not have started this thread. But I consider it as both an ending of one chapter and the beginning of another.

 

Thanks to all who shared their inputs and life experience from the last thread.

[Roo]

((((HUGS)))))

 

You are incredibly strong and I hope that THIS journey leads you to the happiness you so much deserve!

[LakesideDream]

TheWife, You've got my vote. How a guy couldn't manage 7 months of fidelity to you is beyond my comprehension.

 

I haven't the slightest doubt that you have already hit the ground running and will do and accomplish whatever you have a mind to do.

 

Congratulations, and best luck!

 

BTW, I still don't know what STBXH means!

[FlyingHigh]

Motoman is no longer TheWife's problem.....

 

STBXH = Soon To Be X Husband

 

I really like your airline story, Lakeside....

[Ladyjane14]

For what it's worth... I think your decision to move on is for the best. Really, it's the only one that's been afforded to you, unless you're willing to accept a lifetime of drama and lies.

 

I met a little old lady a couple of years ago, who was in the beginning stages of dementia. She was still bright and spry at the time... and pretty as a little angel. Her advanced age made her even more beautiful in the way of Jessica Tandy or Katherine Hepburn.

 

As the dementia progressed though... the ONE thing that was constant in her relationship with her elderly husband was the anger and hostility she felt toward him for his habitual cheating. As time went by... this is almost all she could remember about him. Anything good was erased by the progression of her disease. As the memories faded... the strongest survived. These folks had been married for 70 years... and the good things were gone. It's a very sad thing.

 

 

 

The ONE biggest fault I have, if it is one, is being myself...assertive, blunt and unafraid. And yes, I can be diplomatic when the situation calls for it. And I do have patience, a must in my profession. Friends have reminded me such. My assertiveness was nothing new to my H. But as time went by, our differences became more apparent and a struggle. H saw it as me trying to contol him. I saw it as challenging, asking, pleading him to follow through on his words.

 

As I've said before... I think you've done a pretty good post-mortem on the relationship, but I'm bugged by the idea that maybe you're taking responsibility for something you couldn't have changed. If you're a "assertive" person... that's not a bad thing. It's certainly not something that forces another person to cheat you.

 

I hope you won't allow what's happened to change this aspect of your personality in future relationships. If your assertiveness results in a lack of tact... sure, that's something to work on. But if it doesn't... then make no apologies. Assertive people are 'problem-solving' people. And that's a GOOD thing.

[NoIDidn't]

I hope you won't allow what's happened to change this aspect of your personality in future relationships. If your assertiveness results in a lack of tact... sure, that's something to work on. But if it doesn't... then make no apologies. Assertive people are 'problem-solving' people. And that's a GOOD thing.

 

I hope not too. If you must change anything, let it be something you WANT to change. I too am very assertive and H did the same things that you say MotoMan did. (Am I the only one that thinks its funny that his screenname initials are "MM"?) Constantly tell his friends that he can't stand up to me in an argument. That get's old.

 

If you find your resolve starting to wane sometimes, or you just want a shoulder to cry on, I have found the folks here do really good listening and are pretty sturdy. Don't go away just b/c it seems that you no longer are dealing with infidelity or have a H anymore.

 

What I like the most about your story and the way that you delivered it was that it was delivered unabashedly from your POV without asking for anyone else's opinion. Many come here looking for people to jump on their bandwagon and support whatever nonsense they might type. You have made your own decisions and that in and of itself is something to be proud of.

[LakesideDream]

Motoman is no longer TheWife's problem.....

 

STBXH = Soon To Be X Husband

 

I really like your airline story, Lakeside....

 

 

The 24 hrs. surrounding the "airlines story" were probably the happiest of my life. I'm glad you enjoyed it. BTW, every word was true. Not just a story.

[FlyingHigh]

For what it's worth... I think your decision to move on is for the best. Really, it's the only one that's been afforded to you, unless you're willing to accept a lifetime of drama and lies.

 

I met a little old lady a couple of years ago, who was in the beginning stages of dementia. She was still bright and spry at the time... and pretty as a little angel. Her advanced age made her even more beautiful in the way of Jessica Tandy or Katherine Hepburn.

 

As the dementia progressed though... the ONE thing that was constant in her relationship with her elderly husband was the anger and hostility she felt toward him for his habitual cheating. As time went by... this is almost all she could remember about him. Anything good was erased by the progression of her disease. As the memories faded... the strongest survived. These folks had been married for 70 years... and the good things were gone. It's a very sad thing.

 

As I've said before... I think you've done a pretty good post-mortem on the relationship, but I'm bugged by the idea that maybe you're taking responsibility for something you couldn't have changed. If you're a "assertive" person... that's not a bad thing. It's certainly not something that forces another person to cheat you.

 

I hope you won't allow what's happened to change this aspect of your personality in future relationships. If your assertiveness results in a lack of tact... sure, that's something to work on. But if it doesn't... then make no apologies. Assertive people are 'problem-solving' people. And that's a GOOD thing.

The Wife doesn't strike me as the kind of woman who will change her personality for any guy. I think she's demonstrated different sides of her like we all do at different times and with different emotions, and like what NoIDidn't said, "unabashedly". This what makes us human.

 

She'll do just fine...

[TheWife]

...it's the only one that's been afforded to you, unless you're willing to accept a lifetime of drama and lies.

 

No Way, Jose! I'd be crazy to even think of such a thing!

 

I think you've done a pretty good post-mortem on the relationship, but I'm bugged by the idea that maybe you're taking responsibility for something you couldn't have changed.

Thanks. Oh, no...this thought didn't even cross my mind. There was nothing that I or ANYONE (MCs or IC) could've done to change the direction of the M because the path of the M was already constructed from the moment H decided to cheat and continuted to cheat and and cheat, and lie.

 

I hope you won't allow what's happened to change this aspect of your personality in future relationships. If your assertiveness results in a lack of tact... sure, that's something to work on. But if it doesn't... then make no apologies. Assertive people are 'problem-solving' people. And that's a GOOD thing

Thanks LJ. I didn't change my personality with STBXH and would never do it for anyone. Our personality is what makes who we are.

 

Like you said, assertive people are "problem-solving" people. And I make no apologies for it. Part of being assertive is having the natural instinct to change your approach to solve a problem. It's persistence that varies in level in people even with different types of assertive ones. It doesn't call for your personality to change. And even with persistence, there comes a time when you just gotta throw the crap out and start all over again.

 

Af for being "tact", I have no problem with that. If I did, I probably would have been soooo fired from my job.

 

Thanks everyone! I'm doing great! I'll continue to lurk on LS and will from time to time throw in my two cents. But it won't be as TheWife...

[TheWife]

I hope not too. If you must change anything, let it be something you WANT to change. I too am very assertive and H did the same things that you say MotoMan did. (Am I the only one that thinks its funny that his screenname initials are "MM"?) Constantly tell his friends that he can't stand up to me in an argument. That get's old.

 

If you find your resolve starting to wane sometimes, or you just want a shoulder to cry on, I have found the folks here do really good listening and are pretty sturdy. Don't go away just b/c it seems that you no longer are dealing with infidelity or have a H anymore.

 

What I like the most about your story and the way that you delivered it was that it was delivered unabashedly from your POV without asking for anyone else's opinion. Many come here looking for people to jump on their bandwagon and support whatever nonsense they might type. You have made your own decisions and that in and of itself is something to be proud of.

Thanks, NoIDidn't.

 

Now, you got me giggling in curiosity about my STBXH's screenname...c'mon, do tell... This outta be good... :laugh:

 

Next time your H tells his friends he can't stand up to you in an argument, tell him, "I know sweetcakes. But you're a lot better in the other stuff.." with a wink...

 

LS, like MB have been a valuable outlet for people, like me, in times of need. I'm also not one to dwell on the negative aspects of my life because I know how it can be debilitating, not to mention exhausting. I will from time to time lurk on LS and throw in my two cents.

 

Also, I know I said I wanted to read your story on one of your replies to H2T, but discovered you don't have a thread. Hope your M is well...

Take care.