soooomestup Posted September 8, 2006 Posted September 8, 2006 I know everything im feeling is so wrong but I cant help it. Maybe I just dont want to help it. Im a newlywed, I was married in May. A couple of months before I got married I got in touch with my first love. He stomped on my heart and threw it against a brick wall and for some reason after 4 years I have never recovered. I had big doubts about getting married and was really scared. I called my ex and surprisingly he was happy to hear from me after 4 years. We saw each other and ended up kissing. I told my soon to be husband and cancelled the wedding. My ex only wanted a fling from me nothing else. My soon to be husband forgave me and still wanted to marry me. I stopped talking to my ex and got married. In a way I was very much pressured into it, its all my husband talked about and he said that if i didnt marry him i didnt really love him. I took the plunge and really regret it now. The reason I regret it is because I talk to my ex on msn and all i want to do is sleep with him. We always flirt and im not sure i feel love for him anymore because it has become more of a sexual thing. What if i sleep with him and i dont feel guilty and i fall into a downward spial of an affair. what if i sleep with him and i get it out of my system and never speak to him again. What if i fall in love all over again and cant get it out of my mind. What if for some reason my husband finds out. What if im overwhelmed with guilt and it ruins my life. I KNOW ALL OF THIS, I DO. I know im so wrong, I know i should just walk away now, I know he's not worth a minute of my time. My husband is a good man and he treats me like a princess every day. I know im such a bad person for all of this but i cant or dont want to stop it, i just want to do it. My dad put my family through hell from cheating on my mum, not even that will stop me. I'm probly gona get yelled at but far out... what the hell am i doing!!! I know i shouldnt have got married in the first place. sometimes i think maybe its just impossible to be with one person for the rest of your life. There has not been a day in my life since my ex that I havent thought about him. Ive seen psychologists about it and nothing works. ive tried not speaking to him, i didnt speak to him for 3 years and it didnt help. Maybe i should just sleep with him and get it over with, I feel like its unfinished business. I seriously dont know what to do about my thoughts. Im in a personal prison. The only man I want besides my ex is my husband. I feel like I settled for my husband because my ex just wants a **** from me, not a relationship. I feel soooo stuck!!
Bufzookie Posted September 8, 2006 Posted September 8, 2006 Honestly hun, you are married.... I know you have all these feelings inside about the ex but is it really worth it? If you feel like you "settled" for your husband then maybe you should try a seperation and see where your heart really is. Cheating doesn't run in the family..... Cheating is all in your mind! Its up to you to break the cycle or to just be caught in the what if's or should I do it. Your not being very fair to your husband too......infidelity comes in many forms. Just poundering this will drive you nuts and might effect how you deal with your spouse. Then again, no one can tell you to do anything. Just think first... please!
burning 4 revenge Posted September 8, 2006 Posted September 8, 2006 For Christsakes get a divorce. You don't even love your husband romantically it's obvious. Your just fond of him and that's not enough. You know your marriage will end soon anyways ,so why not get it over with now.
Author soooomestup Posted September 8, 2006 Author Posted September 8, 2006 I knowwww but i cant seperate ive been married for 4 months and its so stupid when i write that cos how can i cheat when ive only been married for 4 months. I'm even scared in a way to read the posts... i know your right but its like i dont want to face it. I feel so nervous. I dont know what to say and dont know what im doing. At the moment im sitting on the comp waiting for the ex to come on msn i dont want to delete him.
JadeStar Posted September 8, 2006 Posted September 8, 2006 I knowwww but i cant seperate ive been married for 4 months and its so stupid when i write that cos how can i cheat when ive only been married for 4 months. I'm even scared in a way to read the posts... i know your right but its like i dont want to face it. I feel so nervous. I dont know what to say and dont know what im doing. At the moment im sitting on the comp waiting for the ex to come on msn i dont want to delete him. You have a choice, you either cut all contact with this other guy, and work on your marriage or you get out of the marriage. It can not be both ways. Being married and having someone on the side. Well I take that back sure you can have it that way if you like, but you will reap the consequences, but because lust has taken over for this other guy, its clouding your judgement to see that right now. Make a choice as to what you need to do. Jade
InaPanic Posted September 8, 2006 Posted September 8, 2006 i just had an affair & the guilt i felt after it became physical just about made me have a nervous breakdown. Please be aware of this. I have been married 18 years though & i know i love my husband (but am questioning how at the moment). But as the talking part of the affair was going on it happened with an ease that surprises me now. I never thought i would be going thru what i am now. Keep this in mind that once you have sex with this OM you cannot go back, ever, to the 'faithful' spouse you once were. My entire life is up in the air & everything is in question. I have crushed my husband who I finally told of the affair & possibly ruined his life as well as my kids. If you don't love your husband & you regret marriage,, & i think it seems obvious you do regret it, then you should seriously give thought to getting out before you are years into this thing & then you do have children to worry about. Do you really want to stay in a marriage the rest of your life that you are unhappy in? Or do you want to stay in the marriage but have affairs & a secret life? I don't think you do at all. And if you can think about these things before you do anything else that will be best. I wish i had thought about all of this first. Also, i think this ex is just going to get you addicted/obsessed with him again if you pursue it. I'm not sure if you were single I would even recommend it. You know what kind of man he is & what he is after but yet you are tempted. He will only hurt you again. If you aren't happy with your husband i am sure there is someone out there for you but you need to think hard if it is this guy. Good luck & think long & hard about all the possible outcomes. I wish i had.
Guest Posted September 8, 2006 Posted September 8, 2006 I knowwww but i cant seperate ive been married for 4 months and its so stupid when i write that cos how can i cheat when ive only been married for 4 months. I'm even scared in a way to read the posts... i know your right but its like i dont want to face it. I feel so nervous. I dont know what to say and dont know what im doing. At the moment im sitting on the comp waiting for the ex to come on msn i dont want to delete him. my dear, you must end this. now. better 4 months than 4 years. and forget your ex. he's your ex for a reason. if you went back to him, wouldn't it be as though you were settling with him, too?
Sup Posted September 8, 2006 Posted September 8, 2006 Have you ever thought of telling you husband all that you told us here? TELL HIM! If you are soooooooooo intent on riding OM at least divorce your hubby first and save him a lot of heartache, then he could find someone else. But, when you're done riding OM and he hurts you again, you can't say you havn't been warned.
Rooster_DAR Posted September 8, 2006 Posted September 8, 2006 I agree with everyone else, you have to make a decision now, don't hesitate. BTW, how old are you? If I were to guess I'd say you are probably under 21 years old, or have a bad issue with decision making. "Don't marry someone you don't love whole heartedly"
InaPanic Posted September 8, 2006 Posted September 8, 2006 i'm beginning to think there should be a law that bans marriage until you are 25 or older. It may save a lot of divorces. ONly a few short months ago i would not have felt this way but now i feel differently.
Rooster_DAR Posted September 8, 2006 Posted September 8, 2006 I concur, and have wondered this for years. You should have to take a year long course at school dedicated to marriage, socialism, relationships, and self discovery to name a few. In contrast, there should be heavy penalties and a long waiting time to get a divorce. Instead, you see signs on every street corner and website advertising, "Divorce $125.00, call now" and you can be divorced in a week. Good post!
Author soooomestup Posted September 9, 2006 Author Posted September 9, 2006 yea i know guys it sux, I'm 24.. this is helping though. I deleated him from my msn, but then i got a msg to add him again and i clicked yes. I just dont learn. I agree about the marriage laws but im starting to think, will i ever know what i want even when im 35??? I think i'll always be like this. Ive always been very indecisive. INAPANIC did u sleep with someone after you joined this site and told people u were thinking about it... or did u come to this site after u had an affair?? Everyones advice has been great but for some reason leaving my husband and getting a divorce is out of the question. I know its hard to believe but I love my husband we have so much fun together and he is my best friend... Its not like I want a single life i want my husband. Its just this stupid ex b/f i could never get over... Its killing me. Ive said it before i even saw a counsellor about it for months. I just dont get it i dont know whats wrong with me. I just want my cake and I wanna eat it too. I know im being so selfish!!
Bryanp Posted September 9, 2006 Posted September 9, 2006 How would you feel if your husband was thinking of doing to you what you are thinking of doing to him?
BUTAFLY Posted September 9, 2006 Posted September 9, 2006 I hear of this more and more. 'I was swept up in the wedding plans', 'It was the adult thing to do', 'I was pressured into it'. I don't get it.. when someone brings up marriage why not just say I'm not ready? another thing I don't get; whats with saving marriages? if it don't work it don't work. Why force it or personally condem yourself in it? Is it a religous thing? Not trying to start something, just look for ligit understanding.
Rooster_DAR Posted September 9, 2006 Posted September 9, 2006 I don't think the "Saving Marriage" thing is religious, and religious I am not. I think it's more about people making a bad decision to divorce based on workable issues in the relationship. Lot's of people drop a marriage/relationship just to find out later that the person they divorced was really the one they loved, and could of saved it with a little effort. Conversely, (A lot of the time) they wind up married again and it fails the same way after some years have gone by. If your going to get married, make sure that you are commited to marriage even through all the bad times, after all that's what marriage is all about. Or just plain don't get married people. (Till death do us part was not put in there unintentionally) Personally, I think marriage is just a piece of paper, but for people with religious foundations, it's much more profound and will probably hold a couple together longer than a couple that's cohabitating. Roost
InaPanic Posted September 9, 2006 Posted September 9, 2006 SMU, i had already had the physical/emotional affair & was trying to deal with guilt, thinking i was 'in love' with OM, & not knowing what to do when i came here. i wish i had seeked advice before but i have to say i don't know if it would have stopped me. it is easy to dish out advice in hindsight when you have been there & done that as i have. but when this first started for me i never in a million years would have thought it would end up like this. never. i may lose my husband now. and i'm not even sure at this point that i will not be the one to decide to split. my life is in an upheavel that i hate. and i hate myself for putting the two of us in this position. some people are able to stay married & have affairs. i'm not saying it's right or wrong because i refuse to ever judge anyone again after what i have done because i never thought i would do what i did, & well, i did. so maybe you can stay married & do what you need to do with this guy & get it out of your system & move on & have a happy marriage. i just couldn't do it & i think it takes a special type of person to be able to seperate their emotions like that & bury the guilt.
Author soooomestup Posted September 10, 2006 Author Posted September 10, 2006 Yea thats what i keep doing... making excuses on why it is ok to do what i wanna do and thinking I can get it out of my system and just move on with my marriage. Im definatly living in fantasy land. I never used to believe in the the saving the marriage thing too. But everything is sooooo different when ur in the situation. If i was advising my friend I wold say exactly the same things u guys are saying. but like i said its different when ur in the siruation. My question is this now... Is it really that bad to sleep with other people? Times are changing!!
Rooster_DAR Posted September 10, 2006 Posted September 10, 2006 I don't think it's bad if you and your partner can have an open marriage/commitment. I myself am considering an open relationship, variety might be a good thing.
Author soooomestup Posted September 11, 2006 Author Posted September 11, 2006 Ok this morning I received a phone call from the ex at 9am. I was thinkin what the hell?? he never calls me as he knows im married. He called asking me if he said anything strange on msn last night because apparently someone had hacked into his msn. Then he started saying that he knew who she was... It was a girl he knew... which made me think... what did he do to this girl to make her so angry that she felt the need to hack into his email. I asked him why she had done what she did,. he said she says that they slept together but he denies it because he has only slept with two girls this year. As im writing all of this out... my mind is tick tick ticking and im having all of these thoughts... what did he do to her? is he lying to me about how many women he has slept with because it may stop me from sleeping with him? I wonder what will happen when this person comes on line pretending to be him. And on top of all that, as he was talking about all these other girls i felt crushed and slightly jealous to the point of tears welling up in my eyes. It made me think if i feel like this now how will i feel if i sleep with him and he tells me about other girls... I know im the one thats married but im still human and it will still hurt. God i know he is trash because he has hurt me over and over again... he used to be so caring when we were together but now he is the type of guy ive always stayed away from. I pray that this is all a big sign for me to stay away. Whats wrong with me that i still care for this idiot???
Sup Posted September 11, 2006 Posted September 11, 2006 Ok this morning I received a phone call from the ex at 9am. I was thinkin what the hell?? he never calls me as he knows im married. He called asking me if he said anything strange on msn last night because apparently someone had hacked into his msn. Then he started saying that he knew who she was... It was a girl he knew... which made me think... what did he do to this girl to make her so angry that she felt the need to hack into his email. I asked him why she had done what she did,. he said she says that they slept together but he denies it because he has only slept with two girls this year. As im writing all of this out... my mind is tick tick ticking and im having all of these thoughts... what did he do to her? is he lying to me about how many women he has slept with because it may stop me from sleeping with him? I wonder what will happen when this person comes on line pretending to be him. And on top of all that, as he was talking about all these other girls i felt crushed and slightly jealous to the point of tears welling up in my eyes. It made me think if i feel like this now how will i feel if i sleep with him and he tells me about other girls... I know im the one thats married but im still human and it will still hurt. God i know he is trash because he has hurt me over and over again... he used to be so caring when we were together but now he is the type of guy ive always stayed away from. I pray that this is all a big sign for me to stay away. Whats wrong with me that i still care for this idiot??? So um, are you gonna tell your husband? Or are you gonna ride OM til the wee hours of the morning and destroy your husband, then on top of that get hurt by OM? Those ARE your options, chose CAREFULLY!
Rooster_DAR Posted September 11, 2006 Posted September 11, 2006 I concur with SUP, you've got a big mess on your hands.
catgirl1927 Posted September 12, 2006 Posted September 12, 2006 I think all of this "I neeeeed my ex" business is really because you didn't actually want to get married and you're looking for a way out. If you cheat and your H finds out, he'll dump you. Then you get out of the relationship without actually having to end it. I think you know for sure that this isn't what you want, and the mature thing to do here is END the marriage. You don't belong in it, and he and you both deserve better than this.
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