Guest Posted September 8, 2006 Posted September 8, 2006 Hi all, I'm a single Mom to my 9 year old daughter. Her Father and I have been apart for 7 months now, been on and off the whole time we had her. It is OFF totally this time though without looking back. He has been emotionally abusing to me(Very manipulated too) and is what I consider, a LOSER. He is a pot head, doesn't have a car, dating someone 12 years younger them he (we are both in our early 30's), and the list goes on and on.... What we do now is he sees her on Sundays. Calls once or twice a week. I pick him up every Sunday afternoon RIGHT after I get out of work and then we usually come back to my place. I usually NEVER get a thank you for picking him up or dropping him off, it is expected of me and if I dont one week it is a huge argument because I am "stopping him from seeing her", etc..... Anyway, my question is he is always trying to go other places and how I see it is he decided to leave (which I was also 100% for but didnt because of our daughter) and I dont think I should be expected to "go on a hike" go on a canoe ride", go hang at his house" (he is into native American latterly) go to a pow wow,......What happens is he mentions these things to our Daughter rather then asking me. He will say something like Ask Mom is we can go on a hike this weekend and guess what? Mom doesn't wanna go ANYWHERE with him and why should I? He makes me feel so guilty for not and begins to put me down and blame me for everything and when we come back here he doesnt respect me at all, he will still yell and arge in my home. Am I wrong for not wanting to do these things with him? We are not a couple.....He knows I dont want to and I think that is why he ask more and more, to make me try and look bad for not wanting to do anything. He wouldn't even be seeing her if I didn't drive to get him and take him home. What do you think?
Gunny376 Posted September 8, 2006 Posted September 8, 2006 To do what your doing! He's making you out to be the heavy ~ and is playing you against your daughter. Your obligation and responsiblity is to make her availiable to him got reasonable visitation. That does not include being a taxi cab for her to and from his place, taking him out on outings, even being a part of his life anyway whatsoever. That does not include opening your home to him so he can see his daughter. Lets reframe this? Lets say your DD was 26. Whose responsibility is it to maintain the parent-daughter relationship? His, and here, and theirs alone. He doesn't have a car? Well he needs to work on that doesn't he? That's his problem ~ not yours. That's his problem and I wouldn't be letting him make it mine! You, as a single mom have all of the problems you can handle. To be honest? He sounds like a loser of the first class. I wouldn't be going out of my way to encourage a relationship between the DD and the STBXH, until the STBXH got his act together. He's setting a bad example for this little 9 year old girl, as to how girls/women are to be treated by men. If not the probability ~ theree exsist the possibility that she'll grow up thinking, "Hey! This is "normal"! Quit "enabling" this characther! That's what your doing.
Lor Posted September 8, 2006 Posted September 8, 2006 So, how does this loser get anywhere else? Or does he sit at home all day and do nothing. Something tells me NOT! Lay down the law, explain to your daughter that you and her dad are not together anymore, don't live together anymore and that is why you don't want to do things together as a family. Kids are smarter than people think, especially at 9. don't run him down, don't make either one of you out to be the heavy, just rationally and logically explain to her the situation. she's probably confused by the whole thing, too. talk to her about it a lot, not just one time, and ask if she has any questions. And make this idiot find a way to get her himself!! He's manipulating you, trying to stay in your life, using you. And you're letting him. If he cries to you about it tell him that you are not together anymore and that that is HIS problem, not yours. that if he wanted to see her badly enough, he will find a way. Then you'll see his true character. When he comes to get her, meet him outside, not inside the house. Because, if he starts in on you, you can calmly say "We aren't together anymore and I don't have to listen to this" and walk back into the house. Beat that point into his head. If he asks your daughter to ask you if you all can go on a hike, tell her that she and her dad can go but that you don't really want to. He'll come back with something about "well we can't go if your mom doesn't drive us". Let him know if he wanted to go bad enough, he would find a way. good choice in dumping this guy, imo.
ddw5195 Posted September 8, 2006 Posted September 8, 2006 NOPE!!!!! first of all you already have a child and if he can go do all this stuff then he can find his own ride to see her... you make it easy for him. first of all that is his daughter too...last I herd it took two to make a child. if he has money for pot then he has money for a bus ticket!!! if he loves his child then he will find away. you are still in the marrage weather you think you are or not. he still has control over you and you are still at a loss. as it comes for your daughter she is old enough to know the truth...let me tell you speaking from a broken home I put my father up on a pedistool a really high one no one could touch him and you know I blamed my mom for everything....leaving(even though he was the one that left) not making it work, I blamed her for him not being able to see me but you know my mom never once sat me down and said to me look your dad and I could not make it and here is the reason.....TELL HER THE TRUTH... 1st may keep her from doing drugs etc..I am not saying make her dad out to be the bad person and what ever you do, DONOT degrade him in front of her...this is her father but the truth will set you free and explain to her that you are not going to be able to pick him up that he is going to have to find a ride to see her and tell her why you have choose to do this. also tell her why you choose not to go on the hikes etc. I rember when I was a child walking to school one morning and the other woman stops me I was like in kindergarden and she says me and your dad are going to live together and I am going to be your new mommy would you like that I crused for the first time in my life and I said he** no you are not. I ran to the school and went in and told my teacher. still I never put to and to together and I still felt the same for my dad. one because my mom never even really talked about him nor put him down. I wished I herd the truth then I would have not had so much anger to my mom. rember every child when parents divorce wants the very same thing and the very same wish and that is for you to get back together. you need to not do those things and allow her to see that you are not going to get back together and later on down the line maybe you can do things like that.I know of a family that when they divorced it was horrible but 10 years past and they are the best of friends. and each are remarried. also need to explain to him that it is time he stood on his on two feet and take up the man role he needs to be and dont allow him to vist at your home seeing he causes fights and other emotional things. have him see her at his moms or a family members you trust and let her go be with her daddy and it will be a hole new world for you. you can change it now you have control it is either get on the bus or sit at the curb. your choice!!
ddw5195 Posted September 8, 2006 Posted September 8, 2006 So, how does this loser get anywhere else? Or does he sit at home all day and do nothing. Something tells me NOT! Lay down the law, explain to your daughter that you and her dad are not together anymore, don't live together anymore and that is why you don't want to do things together as a family. Kids are smarter than people think, especially at 9. don't run him down, don't make either one of you out to be the heavy, just rationally and logically explain to her the situation. she's probably confused by the whole thing, too. talk to her about it a lot, not just one time, and ask if she has any questions. And make this idiot find a way to get her himself!! He's manipulating you, trying to stay in your life, using you. And you're letting him. If he cries to you about it tell him that you are not together anymore and that that is HIS problem, not yours. that if he wanted to see her badly enough, he will find a way. Then you'll see his true character. When he comes to get her, meet him outside, not inside the house. Because, if he starts in on you, you can calmly say "We aren't together anymore and I don't have to listen to this" and walk back into the house. Beat that point into his head. If he asks your daughter to ask you if you all can go on a hike, tell her that she and her dad can go but that you don't really want to. He'll come back with something about "well we can't go if your mom doesn't drive us". Let him know if he wanted to go bad enough, he would find a way. good choice in dumping this guy, imo. YES TALKE TO HER ALOT AT ANYTIME SHE NEEDS TO> THEY ARE SMARTER THAN WE GIVE THEM CREDIT FOR....and they handle things alot more calmer than an adult(belive it or not)
Ladyjane14 Posted September 9, 2006 Posted September 9, 2006 Your daughter, like most other girls, will be using her father as a model and basing her future expectations of men on the one she knows best. Your ex is an irresponsible pot-head, who can't even provide basic transportation for himself. To support a kinder view of him would be a disservice to your daughter in the long run, IMHO. She won't expect better treatment from the future men in her life. If it were me... I'd give her the TRUTH. You don't have to be biased, but I think it's fair to let her know that her father is NOT making good choices right now. Meanwhile back at the ranch... I'd let Mr. Pothead know that I would no longer support his poor parenting plan. If he can't get up off his ass and MAKE his own relationship with his daughter... that's on him, not on you.
Guest Posted September 9, 2006 Posted September 9, 2006 Meanwhile back at the ranch... I'd let Mr. Pothead know that I would no longer support his poor parenting plan. If he can't get up off his ass and MAKE his own relationship with his daughter... that's on him, not on you. Thanks so much for your replies. They really help...I mean I know I shouldn't do all I do but sometimes I think I would be in the wrong if I didn't. Let me first say we were NEVER married (whew) and have never went to court. Reasons why I do this is because he wont give me any support if I don't pick him up. Right now he is actually giving me $100.00 a week. Being a single Mom and working Mom hours, I really need it. Another reason why I do it is she wouldn't see him if I didn't. She doesn't really understand well Mommy drives so she can get him. Ya know? That is how I feel most of the time. I also dont want her being alone with him, so with picking him up and coming here, it is kina like supervised? I know if he is alone with her he will try and put crap in her head and he has absolutely NO MORALS. He is what you would call a con artist and whatever he says always sounds so believable. So I don't wanna take that chance. I know he is paying me this every week because he is wanted in another state from something that happen 15 years ago (B & E) and he THINKS I would turn him in if he doesn't pay anything. Which I wouldn't do (would love to but would do that to my daughter)....I thin once he gets his crap together he will take ME to court and go for visitation. That is what I am fearing. What bothers me if the "lets go here," ask mom to take us on a hike, etc.... I know it isnt good to be doing things we used to as a family. That would just be confusing to her in my book!! I dont think she even wants to go with him alone, she knows how he is. Controlling, starts fight over NOTHING, lies, etc...She is never eager to call him or see him...She doesn't know about him doing drugs, and his sexual lifestyle I didnt even get into. Not sure when I should tell him more about him....I think in a few years? I just wish he was who I thought he was when we first met and she had a decent father with good morals. Now I am in fear all the time he will get to her.
Ladyjane14 Posted September 9, 2006 Posted September 9, 2006 I dunno.... It sounds like you're putting up with an awful lot of crap for $400.00 a month. Maybe a better plan would be to get a higher paying job, and tell Mr. Pothead to kiss your ass 'til he can act like a grown up and be a good influence on your daughter. He's not likely to haul you into court for visitation, because if he did... you'd be able to skin him for back child support. You don't have to be married in order for him to be financially responsible in taking care of his kid, you know. If he goes into court with you... there's a good possibility that he'd be required to pay more than the lousy $400. he's giving you now. What's more, if he gets visitation, he'll have to give up the dope and get his record expunged on the B & E charge. Otherwise, you can have social services up his ass on a weekly basis. There's no guarentee that he won't change the rules later on down the pike anyway. He could always pull his head out of his hindquarters, get a job, get off the dope, and decide he wants to visit his daughter without you being present. In that case, yeah... he will try to fill her head up with his side of the story. The combat for that is to raise your girl to have a good level head on her shoulders... so she recognizes the scent of bullsh*t when she smells it.
Ladyjane14 Posted September 9, 2006 Posted September 9, 2006 In the short term... I think I'd pick him up on Sundays, bring him back to the house, and let him babysit while I had a Mom's day out. Really, that's better treatment than he deserves. It might be hard to tell your daughter 'no' in regards to the activities, but sometimes telling your kid 'no' is essential to good parenting... even when your kid doesn't have the maturity to understand why. At 9, she should be able to understand that Dad needs to be responsible for making time for her and planning activities without Mom's help.
Lor Posted September 11, 2006 Posted September 11, 2006 So this louse can give you $400 a month but he can't afford a vehicle......LJ is right, sounds like a heck of a lot of hassle for the money. I know you need it, but is the payoff worth it? To you and to her? He's not gonna come after you for visitation--that would require spending money, possible raised child support, going to court, which could possibly get him thrown in jail, right, cuz of the outstanding warrant? Can you say over a barrel?? :lmao: If you don't feel comfortable with him alone with her, then I wouldn't do the Sunday thing of Mom's day out. You know, sometimes no father is better than a bad one....
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