Sally00 Posted September 8, 2006 Posted September 8, 2006 I have a friend who's had many many boyfriends. She's 20. She also said she's been engaged several times too (and too soon), but never actually married. And now she's been with this guy for like 2 months? She stays at his apartment... and not her own. So they practically live together. I've always known her to be a girl who moves too fast. And then I got a message from her saying she's getting married and I should tell my boyfriend (her friend as well). I messaged her back saying stuff like "are you really ready for that and don't you think you're moving too fast? i'm only telling u this because you're my friend and i care about you." She hasn't messaged back yet. I talked to my boyfriend about it. He also thinks it's not a good idea. But he's more lenient about it... saying stuff like, "There have been many couples who have known each other for a short amount of time and have been together for like 50 years." I said, "Well that's THEM. And that's rare." Our friend is YOUNG and we both know what she's like. MAN! This really frustrates me. She's made a lot of bad decisions before. And I think this is one of them. I want her to realize she's making a big mistake... she hardly knows the guy. But I'm not going to tell her "YOU ARE A HORRIBLE PERSON FOR DOING THIS. THIS IS JUST PLAIN WRONG, etc etc." I'm going to "support" her... because she's my friend. STILLLLLLLLLLLLL........ any input on this? Anybody else had a friend like this?
insomnie Posted September 8, 2006 Posted September 8, 2006 I've had friends who were "getting married" after only a short amount of time but not one of them has ever followed through. What are you worried about exactly? Unless they are getting married in Vegas tomorrow their telling people they are engaged after 2 months doesn't mean that much, especially when they are so young and one of them has been "engaged" to no avail before. Sounds to me like they're pretty immature and just want some attention. Two months is a really short amount of time but if you think they are really going to go through with this sometime soon you're going to have to find a more tactful way to tlak to your friend. Asking "are you sure you're ready" in response to someone telling you they got engaged is kind of rude in my opinion...that statement is so loaded with judgement. She must be sure if she's engaged to him, right? If I were you, though it would be hard for me to take this serioulsy, I would give them the benefit of the doubt, at least for now, and try to be happy for her.
alphamale Posted September 8, 2006 Posted September 8, 2006 if you are truly a genuine friend then you will tell her straight to her face that what she'd doing is wrong and you don't approve.
Author Sally00 Posted September 8, 2006 Author Posted September 8, 2006 Yes. I asked her if she thinks she's ready. Because I want her to think more about this. This is MARRIAGE here. Not some oh-which-park-should-we-go-to-for-our-picnic "issue." LoL. Wouldn't telling her that I don't approve be pretty mean? I don't think I have the guts to do that... Yup. She's been engaged several times... and yes, she's only 20... That's why I don't think she thinks through things very well... I can understand being engaged to someone after dating them for years (like the first guy). But for only being together a couple months? Ummmm..........
allina Posted September 8, 2006 Posted September 8, 2006 Eh, you know what? I wouldn't even worry about it. I mean really, what are the chances that she will even come close to following through with this?
insomnie Posted September 8, 2006 Posted September 8, 2006 Yes. I asked her if she thinks she's ready. Because I want her to think more about this. This is MARRIAGE here. Not some oh-which-park-should-we-go-to-for-our-picnic "issue." LoL. Wouldn't telling her that I don't approve be pretty mean? I don't think I have the guts to do that... Yup. She's been engaged several times... and yes, she's only 20... That's why I don't think she thinks through things very well... I can understand being engaged to someone after dating them for years (like the first guy). But for only being together a couple months? Ummmm.......... Well, she probably won't end up marrying this guy either. So you have nothing to worry about.
Walk Posted September 8, 2006 Posted September 8, 2006 My best friend in highschool got married about a year after graduation. At 19 or so. She'd dated the guy for a few months and immediately agreed to marry him. She was also a fast mover in the dating scene, though never engaged before. I never said much to her about it, only that it seemed really fast, and was she sure. She was POSITIVE it was what she wanted. Telling the person flat out that you don't approve isn't going to get you anywhere. It'll make the person stop talking to you, and she sure as hell wouldn't EVER confide any problems she may have later. My suggestion... take her out for coffee to "celebrate" her engagement. And just start asking questions. Kind of point her in a direction of thought. Don't force it, and leave open ended questions. Things for her to ponder when she's alone at home, or thougths that might pop into her head right before she falls asleep. You can't judge her for her decisions.. .and I think unintentionally you are. You believe she's crazy for this. It came out in your text message and it did sound judgemental to me. Just realize that it's her life, and her mistakes... she'll make her own choices and the most you can do is attempt to plant questions she may not have thought to ask yet. In hindsight, I believe my friend from highschool married the jackass (who I highly disapproved of) so that she could escape from her parents. They immediately moved to the very furthest state they could get.. and she absolutely HATED her life from that moment on. But the whole point was although she felt she loved this guy, she wasn't seeing all the underlying reasons behind her behavior. And if I'd been smart enough at the time, I probably could have helped her to avoid making a huge mistake. But then again.. if she'd never married and divorced the jerk, she never would've met the man she's with now. And she's the happiest person I've seen in a long while.. Would she have met the man she is so happy with now? Would she have really grown as a person if she'd sidestepped that part of her life? It's her life. You can offer to be there if she needs it, but forcing the issue will only drive her away from seeking your help in the future.
Author Sally00 Posted September 8, 2006 Author Posted September 8, 2006 Yeah. I didn't think it was going to be a good idea to tell her directly how I felt. I don't plan on it. Thanks for the input guys.
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