EndoftheRope Posted September 7, 2006 Posted September 7, 2006 A couple days after H sent his 'friend' an e-mail telling her he was cutting all contact, we started getting hang-up calls: always double rings, which signify long distance on our phone (which she is) and always 'caller unknown' on the caller ID. I am taking steps to find out for sure who it is, but in the meantime, has anyone else run into this kind of thing? Is it common? Or what other sorts of things have the OW/ OM tended to do in the wake of being cut off?
justice Posted September 8, 2006 Posted September 8, 2006 Start documenting the times of the calls, days and what happened if anything. This is how our stalker OW started off and it got worse over time. We had to get restraining orders on her and she broke them and is still in jail for coming to our house. She also threatened me, broke the back window out of my car and alot of other things too. You need to take steps to make sure this doesn't happen to you. Your local phone company needs to be notified and keeping records, eventually you may have to have them tap your line. Report it to the police so that you will have more evidence should it get worse. And sometimes it does. Hugs, protect yourself at all costs.
silktricks Posted September 8, 2006 Posted September 8, 2006 For us the calls went on for over a year. Sometimes up to eight calls a day, sometimes no call for a few weeks. Like you, they were long-distance anonymous hang-ups. He didn't think it could be her calling at first (his was an EA primarily via e-mail and he had never given her a phone number, address or anything like that, and we had/have an unlisted number) until I showed him how available all of that info is via the Internet. Her family lived in our area, so she would visit occasionally. She came by our house a couple of times, and once my husband and I were at the grocery store and if he wouldn't have grabbed me, she would have hit me with her car. In the beginning she sent e-mails as well, but after a few months my husband sent an e-mail restating that he didn't want contact and closed that e-mail account (which was a pain as it was his business account). The phone calls stopped then for almost two months, but started up again. Finally, over a year after he told her he wanted no more contact, with her still calling, he sent her another e-mail explaining a lot of stuff (like the fact that the only reason he was communicating with her in the first place was because I had left him) that made it really totally clear to her that not under any circumstances at all would he have anything to do with her. We then changed our phone number, and are VERY careful about giving it out. I periodically check to make sure that our new phone number is not available on the 'net. I believe that she is probably past the situation now and would not begin harassment again even if our phone number was available, but I figure - why take the chance? I/we never did report her to the cops, as it was an embarassing situation for us as well. Although my husband said that if the harassment continued after the last e-mail and the phone change that he didn't care anymore about his/our embarassment and would pursue her legally.
Author EndoftheRope Posted September 8, 2006 Author Posted September 8, 2006 Start documenting the times of the calls, days and what happened if anything. This is how our stalker OW started off and it got worse over time. We had to get restraining orders on her and she broke them and is still in jail for coming to our house. She also threatened me, broke the back window out of my car and alot of other things too. You need to take steps to make sure this doesn't happen to you. Your local phone company needs to be notified and keeping records, eventually you may have to have them tap your line. Report it to the police so that you will have more evidence should it get worse. And sometimes it does. Hugs, protect yourself at all costs. I have started keeping a record. I have talked to the phone company twice, yesterday. I was told by Comcast that hang-ups ARE hang-ups, NOT telemarketing equipment as many people say. They recommended hitting *57. I tried it last night, but she (?) hung up too fast. (Whoever it is usually waits till I've said hello...pause...hello...pause...hello; the night before last, I said, "Hello... how are you, Nancy?" and was hung up on immediately. And last night the caller hung up right after the first hello. Significant?) Dialing *57 directed me to AT&T's 1-800 #, which informed that hang-ups are "often" telemarketing equipment. That is to say... I've let the phone company know, and their advice is either *57, which they acknowledge is useless if she's smart enough to hang up more quickly, or go to the police and tell them whom I suspect. I am reluctant at this point to name names, and also realize that if they requisition her home phone records, it doesn't matter if she's calling from work or a pay phone. So... at what point would the phone company or police take it further and actually tap the line? They told me *57 IS the tracer. She lives 1700 miles away, so I will be very surprised if she shows up here.
Author EndoftheRope Posted September 8, 2006 Author Posted September 8, 2006 He didn't think it could be her calling at first (his was an EA primarily via e-mail Thanks for this. I honestly don't know if this has been entirely an EA, or if it was a PA at the time we were separated, 13 years ago. There's a very real possibility he continued to meet her after work for some time after we re-united. (It's hard to know anything for sure, with his lies.) It has definitely been, for at least the last 3 years and most likely much longer than that, "just" an e-mail relationship. But I realize in reading your post that a part of me has pooh-poohed my own suspicions about who's doing this, still blinded by his insistence that she was JUST a friend, and still not quite able to believe that JUST an e-mail relationship could inspire this. And yet, the coincidental timing remains. I know he would also insist that she wouldn't do this. We've already BTDT with a spate of flat tires, last year after he told yet another "friend" at work to stop e-mailing. (Again, I'll never know if it was really her, but the timing was coincidental, and his abrupt change in attitude, once I suggested her, from "SOMEONE is doing this!!" to, "It's just bad luck! Why are you so sure someone's doing this??" remains suspicious.) In the beginning she sent e-mails as well, but after a few months my husband sent an e-mail restating that he didn't want contact and closed that e-mail account (which was a pain as it was his business account).... Again, thank you for sharing your experience. She initially e-mailed him at his personal account. 15 months ago, he gave me his password to that account to "prove" he was all on the up and up. I later found out he just re-directed the important people to his work account. (Yeah, that move convinced me he's being honest! ) Later still, he promised me and our mc to forward all personal e-mails from that account to me, and to 'be an open book.' And later still, I found out he was still e-mailing her from that account and, of course, not telling me. It is from that account that he says he wrote telling her he was ending all contact, and she supposedly wrote back with a nonchalant, "Okay." He will tell me no more than that. And your story is a reminder to me that, not only might he still be e-mailing her from there (unlikely, if she's making hang-up calls), but that she might still be e-mailing him, and I know at this stage he wouldn't tell me.
silktricks Posted September 8, 2006 Posted September 8, 2006 I know he would also insist that she wouldn't do this. That's rough. Actually, my H didn't insist that she wouldn't do it, he was simply surprised that she could. He felt strongly actually that she was a bit of a nutcase. I later found out he just re-directed the important people to his work account. (Yeah, that move convinced me he's being honest! ) oh god, that's terrible. When my H told me about the EA he gave me open unfettered access to all of his accounts. And your story is a reminder to me that, not only might he still be e-mailing her from there (unlikely, if she's making hang-up calls), but that she might still be e-mailing him, and I know at this stage he wouldn't tell me. Keep your chin up. Sounds like your H might still have a way to go before being done with the need for ego boosting from other women, though.
Author EndoftheRope Posted September 8, 2006 Author Posted September 8, 2006 That's rough. Actually, my H didn't insist that she wouldn't do it, he was simply surprised that she could. I have learned that my H will protect and defend almost anyone but me. Although, I do have to give credit where it's due, and say that many things are changing and improving, and he has managed to defend me once or twice in the past year. When my H told me about the EA .... He's a couple steps ahead of mine, then, because mine still denies that it was anything of the sort. I think, to me, the key is that he has hidden this 'friendship' for years. As a wise person somewhere said, "You don't hide a girl; you hide a girlfriend." Deep in his heart, he knew there was something not right in that relationship, or he wouldn't have hidden it from me. And he never told me. I stumbled on it, and in hashing it out about the woman with whom he currently works, some of his missteps and a talk with a counselor actually clued me in that it was this one I should be more concerned about. Keep your chin up. Sounds like your H might still have a way to go before being done with the need for ego boosting from other women, though. I agree that's a big factor-- his insecurities and need for ego boosts. I think he's finally believing I'm serious that it's either them or me, and if I find more, it's over. And my eyes are open. I also think his promotion at work is going to go a long way in him realizing he's not 'just' a lowly security guard, and having some respect for his own abilities and worth.
silktricks Posted September 8, 2006 Posted September 8, 2006 Respect for himself is a HUGE important step. That was the problem with my H, and what caused his A. He had lost all of his respect for himself, and I blame myself a lot for that. I removed myself from him at a time when he really deeply needed me. I can't go back and undo that, but whenever I start to feel bad about what happened and insecure about his feelings for me, I need to go back and remind myself of the things that I did that created at least 1/2 of the problems we were having. Best of luck to you. Keep telling the man he's great, and sooner or later he'll believe that you really mean it!!
LucreziaBorgia Posted September 8, 2006 Posted September 8, 2006 ...what other sorts of things have the OW/ OM tended to do in the wake of being cut off? One thing that comes to mind is the "telling the W the truth" move. They decide that it would be in the best interest of the W to know the "truth" - which is usually done not in the best interest in the W but in the interest of revenge to cause trouble in the relationship.
whichwayisup Posted September 8, 2006 Posted September 8, 2006 Expect the worse, and what I mean by that is, this woman is charged up emotionallly and that is her drive to react. Your husband has probably led her on, right up until the end and she's pissed off, hurt and reacting... NONE of this is your fault, it just sucks because you get the after shocks of HIS affair which affects you personally. HE has to stand up, take responsibility for it all. Definately see if you can get your phone tapped. And if not, change your phone number. Can I ask? Does she know where you two live?
silktricks Posted September 8, 2006 Posted September 8, 2006 Can I ask? Does she know where you two live? One of the "wonderful" things about the Internet is that now ANYBODY can know where anybody lives. Frankly, it sucks!
silktricks Posted September 8, 2006 Posted September 8, 2006 One thing that comes to mind is the "telling the W the truth" move. They decide that it would be in the best interest of the W to know the "truth" - which is usually done not in the best interest in the W but in the interest of revenge to cause trouble in the relationship. Yeah, and usually it's not the "truth" either. It's what they wanted to believe was the truth. The whole thing is often a pack of lies. In fact after some of the posts I've read fairly recently, it curls your hair what some (hopefully very few) OW's are willing to do.
Author EndoftheRope Posted September 8, 2006 Author Posted September 8, 2006 Can I ask? Does she know where you two live? She knows our metro area, no doubt. Whether he ever gave her our phone number or address, I don't know-- and wouldn't count on getting the truth from him about it if I asked. We were briefly listed on internet white pages, but we removed that due to his job, in which people routinely threaten to kill him (usually harmless drunks who don't remember it the next morning, but why take chances?) I guess she could look up unlisted numbers and addresses for $15, couldn't she? Intellius?
Author EndoftheRope Posted September 8, 2006 Author Posted September 8, 2006 Oh, and she is 1700 miles away. I think I mentioned that. She has a job, a husband (whom she married many years after striking up this friendship with DH) and a child about 15 months old (same age as our youngest), so it would be quite a trick for her to skip on over here.
justice Posted September 14, 2006 Posted September 14, 2006 after documenting the hangups for a time frame of about two weeks and with that evidence they tapped our line. You need to talk person to person with someone from your abuse line at your phone company and they will advise you to go to the prosecuting attorney and then you can have them tap your line. the *57 thing will get you no results. How many times do you let the phone ring before answering it?? Sometimes the fifty seven thing takes about four or five rings until you can get a number, also if she is calling using a calling card you won't get the number unless your line is tapped. No matter what happens please be cautious, this type of behavior can become violent in the blink of an eye.
justice Posted September 14, 2006 Posted September 14, 2006 after documenting the hangups for a time frame of about two weeks and with that evidence they tapped our line. You need to talk person to person with someone from the abuse line at your phone company and they will advise you to go to the prosecuting attorney and then you can have them tap your line. the *57 thing will get you no results. How many times do you let the phone ring before answering it?? Sometimes the fifty seven thing takes about four or five rings until you can get a number, also if she is calling using a calling card you won't get the number unless your line is tapped. No matter what happens please be cautious, this type of behavior can become violent in the blink of an eye.
whichwayisup Posted September 14, 2006 Posted September 14, 2006 a husband (whom she married many years after striking up this friendship with DH) Next time there is a call, you say into the phone (if it's dead air) "I know who this is, and if you keep calling we're going to get intouch with your husband and let him know you're harrassing my husband and I - And we'll let him know WHY too. I'm sure she won't call after that.
Author EndoftheRope Posted September 14, 2006 Author Posted September 14, 2006 Here's the update: I've been told that addressing the person by name usually ends it. On receiving these phone calls, I usually have loads of time to say, "Hello... (pause)... hello...." at least three hellos before the hangup. About the time I posted this, I got a call in which there was the dead air. I said, "Hello... how are you, Nancy?" and was abruptly hung up on. The next night, I got a call about the same time (same deal with double rings, unknown caller). I got out one hello and was abruptly hung up on, and haven't had a call since. Coincidence? My husband would, of course, completely deny this. Did I mention we had a spate of flat tires when he told the OTHER "friend" she had to stop e-mailing him last year? What is he, some sort of Lothario? As regards to the flat tires, he was GUNG HO to get whoever was doing this, swearing that four flats over three days at work is no coincidence. He went to great lengths, talking to the head of security at the hospital, talking to the psyche department about their patients, reviewing security tapes that might have caught the person, etc. When I finally (after all this) suggested a spurned young 'lady' might do just such a thing, he got angry, and by the next day was equally adamant that it was just bad luck, and why was I so sure someone must be doing it? (Apologies if I already told this story!)
silktricks Posted September 16, 2006 Posted September 16, 2006 I think part of the problem is that the H's don't want to face the fact that they have brought danger into their home - into the lives of their loved ones. The OW in my case saw us together at the grocery store and almost hit me - would have if my H hadn't grabbed me out of the way. But even after that he didn't want to believe that she was the one harassing us for over a year. The idea of it made him very uncomfortable. But at the same time, he began locking up the house really tight and making sure he set the alarm every time after he quit the EA. He also told me that if he was hurt by someone to make sure that I told the cops that it was her. It was OK with him to feel danger for himself, but thinking I might be in danger from her made him crazy. I kept telling him that if she was going to injure someone it would be me - she WANTED him. Me out of the picture would have made her day! Thankfully, though she was a definite nutcase - she wasn't THAT nutty.
Author EndoftheRope Posted September 16, 2006 Author Posted September 16, 2006 We had another hang-up yesterday morning, in the middle of fighting about her, no less. He tried *57 but got no results. Why does the phone company say to do this??? It's useless!!! He of course did NOT address anyone by name. I haven't even bothered suggesting it to him, as I know what his reaction would be. Yes, silktricks, I think it's got to be a huge embarrassment (that's not quite the right word, but I can't think what is right now) to realize he's associated with someone like that, who is now harrassing his family. I'm sure he still doesn't even acknowledge the possibility that the girl at work might have been flattening his tires. I'd think it would be far too upsetting to admit to himself that his behavior may have actually endangered his children. What if she'd gone beyond tires to something that would have affected the car while I was driving with our little boys? I think that's too much for him even to let the possibility creep into his mind; hence, he had to get so angry at me.
silktricks Posted September 16, 2006 Posted September 16, 2006 Oh yeah, I forgot, my car also got egged 3 times during the "situation". Well, really two times, then a third after he called an end to it. Interestingly enough, each time it was egged, she was in town visiting her family. I don't think it's embarassment so much. Men see themselves as the protector of the family. When their actions have actually brought danger into the family, it jars their sense of who and what they are, what their role in life is. I think it happens at a way deeper level than they are even aware. That's why admitting that the OW is the one creating all of the devastation is so difficult.
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