tikibabe Posted September 7, 2006 Posted September 7, 2006 I've been seeing a guy since around Memorial Day this past spring. We are both in our 30's, and both of us are divorced (mine was final last October, his was final in June). We met through mutual friends and went on our first date about two weeks later (over the holiday weekend) and have been seeing each other ever since. Neither of us were the active seekers of the divorces, both of us had worked hard to save the respective relationships with little to no effort put forth by the partners in them. We've had some deep discussions about our feelings about that and we are in very similar, if not the same, place as far as where we stand on that matter. I was with my ex-husband for nine years, married for four of them, and this guy knew his ex-wife twelve years, and was married a year and a half. I was cheated on and lied to extensively by my ex-husband. His background, briefly: he moved to this state to go to school in the mid-nineties, and ended up staying to be with his ex who he met while here. His family all lives out of state. Many of his friends were "her" or "their" friends. He does maintain friends from college that still live in-state, but lost many friends via the divorce. Back to my current situation: About a month after we started seeing each other, we talked about what we both wanted, and at that time, we both agreed that while we were not exclusive, because neither of us have dated since the breakups with our exes until now. I did have a brief "fling" with a friend/****buddy last September, but discovered that I do not enjoy that sort of relationship and ended it after two "encounters." That friend would have gladly started dating exclusively but I just don't feel that way about him. The guy I am seeing now told me up front he was on match.com and while he wasn't looking for a "scratching post" he felt he should be out there because he's so fresh out of his past relationship. But we both agreed to be totally up front and honest with one another if we did go out on other dates and that we would definitely alert one another if we were no longer sexually exclusive. He said that part of his goal was just to "meet people." Since that conversation, he has gladly met my family and spent time around them, in fact, my brother is now his roommate. (There was a need on both ends, and *he* suggested the idea and brought it up with my brother, I stayed out of it.) He referred to me as "girlfriend" in mid-August while we were walking into an event, and we have spent every weekend with each other and have had dates during the week as well - although those are limited due to our work schedules and the fact that we live 50 miles from each other. He asks me to stay at his place every weekend. He has made plans for us a couple of months in the future. He refers to us in the plural. We haven't said the L word to each other, although I think both of us slipped on separate occassions in flagrante. I did drunken text him after a date one night a few weeks ago saying something to the effect of "you realize how in love I am with you right?" to which he responded "wow, thank you, that feels really good." I regretted doing that immediately but alcohol is my truth serum. Last week he called me and I was excitedly telling him about an event coming up over the weekend and he chuckled and said "I love you! You find the neatest things and get so excited about them!" My birthday was on Memorial Day, and we had people over his place (at his encouragement) the night before and had a good time. My friends are actually going to meet for dinner and drinks this coming Saturday since so many people were out of town this past weekend, and he is going to be there, we haven't made firm plans of whether I will be going to stay at his place for the weekend or not because we are meeting at a restaurant and bar nearer to my pad. On Saturday night last weekend, we went to the event I was excited about, and while we were eating, he happened to mention that some women had contacted him on match.com but that they lived out of state, had five kids, etc. and was sort of making fun of that, and said he had a form letter he responded with that said he was looking to meet local people and thanks but no thanks. I didn't respond to the fact that he was still active on a dating website, because I didn't know whether he was or not, and rather than react emotionally, I want to respond rationally. I recognize my feelings have grown to a point where I need to find out if we are in a similar place with our expectation of where things are going or not. If he simply views me as a ****buddy, I need to stop spending so much time around him because my feelings are only going to grow, and if/when he informs me that he's seeing someone else, I'm going to be crushed. I know how unwise it would be to put myself through that given my history with my ex, I would only feel betrayed. So, I need to have The Talk. Any suggestions on how to bring it up? My goals are to determine what his expectations are, and if they are so vastly incompatible with my own expectations and feelings, to back off of the relationship so that I don't set myself up to get hurt. I would really like to know where I stand, because I'm afraid of being hurt again due to misunderstanding or miscommunications about where we both are at, and since the first time we Talked, we had agreed that things were not yet exclusive, I would like to know if that has changed, if he wants it to change, etc. Basically, I'm in love, I know it, but I also know not to let it go any further if he is not in a similar place emotionally as I am. Also, how do you feel the best manner to have this discussion might be? The first time we discussed our expectations, we did it in email, and I feel like we were both able to express ourselves more openly there than we might have been able to verbally, at least that early on into the relationship.However, I'm thinking this would be better discussed in person. Thoughts?
EnigmaXOXO Posted September 7, 2006 Posted September 7, 2006 Yikes! Awkward and uncomfortable, I know! But there always comes a point where one or the other must bring the "relationship talk" to the table lest you drift forever in limbo not knowing whether you'll be hurting feelings if you decide to move on and date other people. For me, I've always felt that being as straight forward and candid as possible is always best. Leaves nothing to be "guessed" about … and if you're going to frighten him away, than better to know now rather than later when your feelings are even MORE tangled up in the mix. Perhaps the best way to bring it up would be to just ask him where he sees your friendship heading? Is he comfortable with things remaining just as they are (the two of you open and available to meet and date other people) … Or is this evolving into a mutual relationship where he might feel a little uneasy with the notion of you seeing other men. (???) Depending on how he answers, you'll have a better idea of what direction the conversation should take from there … You know, that really awkward part where you discuss exactly what "being in a relationship" means to each one of you. And if his expectations are too far off center from yours, to the point where it doesn't fit your personal comfort zones (like keeping a single's ad online) then you'll have to reconsider whether or not he's really worth investing any more of your hope and time in. Good Luck! I hope it works out well for you…
Walk Posted September 8, 2006 Posted September 8, 2006 That was a great post EnigmaXOXO! Ditto. I always end up kind of barging into the discussion. In a blunt, questioning kind of way. Like.. "Where is this relationship going and how do you view it?" Thrown out while sitting on the couch one evening. So far it's worked. hahah I forced my bf's hand unintentionally into HIM starting "the talk". I was still dating other guys, but nothing serious and I was upfront and honest about every single time. No sex involved with any of them either. But I think he started realizing he could lose me to someone else, and he initiated "The talk", and asked if we could be exclusive. I wouldn't do it on purpose, but gee.. maybe a small slip prior to "the talk" on how so and so asked you out would allow him to take a look at his long term goals again and see if they need to be modified.
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