Another sad story, and need your support!

September 7, 2006

Hi. I need some help! I posted this to the break-up forum, and everyone was mean to me. Maybe as OWs/OMs, you will be more sympathetic to my pain.

I DESPERATELY need some support and words of wisdom. I hope I can find it here. I just had a few weeks of passion (with a married woman) that came to a crashing halt. Dumb move, I know. I saw her four times. We had sex and passion that was beyond belief. From beginning to end, everything took place over one month. It is a convoluted story, but I will spare you the twisted details!

This passionate affair was a sex and lust thing. She did not want to leave her husband, and I was happy with that, because I know this wouldn’t work long-term. Although she is a true romantic, we made sure she wasn’t planning to leave her husband and three kids for lustful me (best sex she ever had in her entire life, she told me!) Yes, I admit, we did have one or two “Imagine if things were different…” conversations, but that was PURE fantasy, and we would shrug it off.

Even in the throws of passion, we knew a long-term relationship would never work! She lives far, speaks Spanish, she is a different culture, different income group, no education, and she has three kids. So no matter grow great the passion and cuddling, I am not an idiot and I know that having great romance, sex, and passion does not mean that the person will make an appropriate lifetime spouse.

Despite the wonderful feeling while looking in each others eyes, I know that infatuation, lust, romance, and love-at-first-sight is not a reason to end a good marriage with three kids. I met her husband, and he is a nice person, and aside from this tryst, they do get along. He is better for her than me!

I was truly ok being the OM, and we thought this would go on for a long time. Unfortunately, she started falling for me big time. In retrospect, although I was the more rational one, always explaining to her that lust and love are not the same, I think the chemicals in my brain went into overdrive, too. I think I fell for her more that I thought.

Three weeks ago, her husband grew suspicious, and we had to call the whole thing off. This made her want to gravitate to me, but we both did NOT want her to break up her marriage.

We had the final conversation, and it was officially over. Her words were, “I cannot dare to live being in love with a man, and married to another.” She also said things like, “I hope you realize I wasn’t just f_cking you.” Uh-oh. As difficult as it was, and as sad as I am, I do agree calling it off was required.

Amazing how quickly we moved from sex and lust to romantic love and feelings. Scary. I won’t do this again! Now here is why I am asking you to please respond to this thread.

For the past three weeks, I am having trouble getting her out of my head. No Contact is a must, I understand. Of course I think about “What is she thinking?” “How is she?” “Does she think of me as often as I think of her?” but I know any contact will just prolong the agony, so I won’t call her! She told me she is erasing all my numbers from her phone. I know this is the right thing to do. Give me some credit! She broke her marital vows, and although I won't judge anyone for doing that, it is not a healthy thing.

I KNOW she is not the one for me long term. This woman was simply gorgeously beautiful in my eyes, and we brought out “romantic & lustful” feelings in each other that we both haven’t experienced since we were teenagers. (We are 30). From the moment we looked into each others’ eyes, until the final 12-hour sex marathon, it was pure bliss. We just had no idea it would have to end so soon. Terrible timing. From feeling on top of the world, to crap. I have to admit, although I am normally level-headed, I did cry for the first time in years. That was weird.

I am just begging you for some advice or techniques to help me get rid of these very intrusive thoughts. I feel like a jackass. It’s ironic, because during the affair, “_I_ was the one who kept trying to ensure it didn’t go from lust to ‘love’”. I was the one who kept saying, “You want to stay married, right?” I taught her that LOVE is what she has when she looks at her children and her husband of 15 years, it’s NOT what she feels for a stranger like me whom she just met.

…and here I am feeling so lousy. I think about her (and the whole situation) in the mornings. At night. RIGHT NOW AT THE OFFICE!

Does anyone have any techniques BESIDES TIME that can speed up this ‘moving on’ process? I feel like an addict going through withdrawal! Like when a smoker quits and thinks about cigarettes every 2 minutes.

Does anyone have any techniques or ideas to stop these thoughts from popping in my head? Writing Journals? Talking more about it? Talking less? Blocking thoughts immediately as they enter my mind? Chatting with someone here?

I admit that every few days it gets a bit easier. But then I look at a reminder, and oops! I am set back. I feel like a fool.

At least this is not one of those break-ups like where you cannot eat, cannot sleep, cry all day, etc. I am much more level-headed. I understand that it is all a bunch of chemical reactions in my head. I am functional. But I am tired of being sad. And I am VERY tired of these thoughts popping into my head. I am tired of surfing the web reading all about romantic love.

Advice, ideas, sympathy, support, techniques are very welcome! I would love to get this out of my head within a week or two, not a month or two! Maybe you can offer some wisdom. Thank you!

(I just can't believe I only saw her a few times, and knew her for a month. I feel like an imbicile to let it affect me this way.... ) Passion is scary. Anyone feel this way ever?

September 7, 2006

I don't believe you'd be able to get it out of your head if you come here to discuss it.

No contact / No thoughts / No to everything that is HER.

Just MO.

September 7, 2006

I doubt you'll hear anything but NC as the answer. I'm struggling with that one myself. Good Luck!!!

September 7, 2006

You have to change your thinking habits and try your best to distract yourself when you think of her. Allow yourself a certain amount of time during the day to grieve the loss of her - THEN pick yourself up and DO something fun! Spend time with family and friends. Pamper youself too, go do things you enjoy, or buy yourself something.

You are doing the right thing and I have to tell you, you have alot of insight into your own situation. That's a good thing! You know in your head that this affair won't work out and it's not long term...Yet your heart and body have to catch up to your mind....

Definately don't contact her again, ever. No matter how hard it is, don't. And if she calls you or emails you, don't return the message. NO CONTACT means no contact...

Time is on your side, so just take each day as it comes...Distraction, re-training your brain NOT to think of her in a sexual or emotional way. She isn't a part of your life anymore at all, so try your best to remember that. Thinking of her serves NO purpose in your life. It will just bring you pain and discomfort.

Hope this helps.

September 7, 2006

well you could try the rubber band...... put the rubber band on your wrist and every time you think of her give yourself one hell of a good snap with it.

hey you asked for an idea...... I gave you one.

September 7, 2006

well you could try the rubber band...... put the rubber band on your wrist and every time you think of her give yourself one hell of a good snap with it.

hey you asked for an idea...... I gave you one.

Great one!!

September 7, 2006

Go to the gym. always helps me feel better and get some control over my thoughts.

September 7, 2006

Once you make the actual choice NEVER to see/hear/read from her again, stick to it. Be really tough on yourself. IT's like quitting smoking and that's the frame of mind you have to be in to get rid of her. Like a habit.

The feelings she brings out in you are like a drug addiction or smoking cigs. Sometimes the best way is to go cold turkey.

And keep posting if you need to!

September 8, 2006

Thank you all so much for your ideas and suggestions! It felt good to come here and see seven replies.

You will be proud to hear that I took all your advice. I did work out. I did to the elastic thing (It works!) and no contact. No way!

I have been doing tons of reading. It truly is like an addiction. "Falling" for someone, and having all those chemicals secrete in your brain, and having tons of orgasms together, and then breaking it off out of nowhere is quite literally like withdrawing from cocaine or heroin. It is just unbelievable.

The euphoria prior to our sexual encounters was crazy. So no wonder the brain is going a bit nuts now.

I have to say, though. Every day gets a bit easier.

Whichwayisup, you brought forth some very interesting points. Thinking about the romance and sex really does me no good at all. None whatsoever. I just wish my mind wouldn't gravitate there all the time.

One thing I have learned in all my research is that 'falling in love' is nonsense in many respects. No wonder why so many marriages end in divorce! Choosing a lifetime partner in the throws of the "romantic love" or "lust" stage is so dangerous...

...and yet, so tempting!

September 9, 2006

WWIU as always has provided wonderful advice. Be careful of your surroundings. Don't purposely do things that will remind you of her. Exercise is good, good, good!! Keep those endorphines up! Don't do depressive things (like drinking).

As you very well know, time is what will cure the passion and the thoughts. Soon you'll go an entire day without thinking of her, then a month and finally - who knows, you may soon fall in love with someone who drives her completely out of your mind....

September 9, 2006

Hi Movin On,

Your post reminds me of myself when I first posted on LS!! LOL! I, too, got heavily chastised for falling in love with another man (I'm a married woman). Like you, I had a brief fling with the other man (OM) that was very passionate from beginning to end. That was 10 months ago... and I can tell you that I still feel butterflies in my stomach and my skin would feel tingly all over every time I think about him. It is both a torture and pleasure to think of him.

You are still relatively early in your 'withdrawal' syndromes. You may feel 'better' now, but I can tell you that your emotions will go up and down like the rollercoaster ride for a long while. My best therapy has been visiting LS and read up on other people's affairs and posting my own thoughts every once in a while. Even when I get chastised, it is therapeutic to me because I can't talk about this to any one else.

I am at a point where I am ready to work on my marriage again. When I started the affair, I, too, thought that it would be purely physical. But I fell in love with my OM. Since then, he's been popping in my head constantly (every 2 seconds). I could not eat (for the first 2 months) and had no interest in working on my marriage.. until now.

My H has been very patient with me thoughout my ordeal. We've had marriage counseling for several months now. I am doing better. But NC is a must. Whenever I see him (OM), I just melt. Fortunnately, I don't see him very frequently. (Only once since the fling).

When we had that brief fling (which lasted 4 days), I was sure that he was not someone I'd marry. Yet, after he's gone, I went crazy! I became obsessed with him. It was literally like a drug withdrawal.

So. Your MW is most likely thinking about you every second, too. However, she wants to stay married. She loves her family. If you love her, let her live peacefully. Do not contact her again. If you want to be free from an addiction, you have to remove yourself from all situations that are accessible to that addiction.

Another technique that works for me is this: stop fighting with yourself. So you do have feelings for her. So you did have a wonderful time with her. These are facts, don't deny that they didn't happen. Instead of trying to suppress memories of her (which is futile anyway), enjoy the memories like you would enjoy clips of a film. I allow myself to think about those intimate times whenever I have the urge (which is becoming less and less frequent). I'd get a laugh or a warm feeling or a burst of confidence. Heck, it was a GOOD experience. But it is over now. Like fine champagne.

And you know what? I love my OM precisely because he acted just like what YOU did with your MW: he stopped me from over doing it. He also kept reminding me (when we were together) that I love my family, that he was just a fling. He even told me that I'd thank him later. Well, I am thanking him now from the bottom of my heart. (I hope he can feel it.)

September 9, 2006

Hi again!

Thanks so much for all the words of wisdom. You guys are all awesome.

It's been about three weeks now, and already things are getting much easier.

KnowHow, your post was excellent. It's interesting that after 10 months, you still have butterflies when you think about him. Damn! I want this to be over in a few weeks! LOL!

There are a few details of this story that I WISH I could share with some of you... but I have to leave things out because I don't want anyone I know stumbling upon this thread.

It's so interesting how it was the MW who was so falling in "love". I was really the calm, cool, and collected one. That is why it's so ironic that I am feeling like crap now.

It truly is an addiction. Nothing else. Withdrawal symptoms. I was always told that after one hit of crack, that's it... you're addicted. This is almost the same thing, I guess.

I am level-headed about this. I know a relationship with her would last 3 months, tops. And I also know that if I were to see her again (and I WON'T!!), the sex would not necessarily be fantastic anymore.

It's truly interesting how I am in the exact same position as you were. (Even closer than you think, but I had to leave out a few details in my post!)

Let me ask you (and any other married people) a pointed question, if I may:

I will assume that the sex with your spouse, although I'm sure it's lovely, was probably not like the passionate sex with your OM/OW. The look. The stare. The gaze. The kiss. The incredible orgasms. The four-day passion. Etc.

So, does it bother you at all, knowing that (providing you will remain faithful) you will NEVER experience that again. Not until the day you die?

When I look back at those sleepness nights, eager with anticipation for her next visit, it boggles my mind. When I have EVER been so excited in

Maybe you understand and/or remember that excitement....

Does it ever make you feel 'sad' thinking that such a feeling will never happen again?

Lust.....Love.....Romance....Marriage.....Affairs.....Monogamy.....Sex

Something really happened during this little 'affair' that really threw my brain for a loop.

I just wish we coulda stayed friends. I KNOW I KNOW! STUPID THOUGHT!

September 9, 2006