Neglected by my own parents

[kbah]

This is a bit odd for me to share, because I feel that I have just actually realized this for myself last night. I have this hole inside me that cannot be filled. I realize that I have been trying to "fill it" with external sources-friends, family, boyfriends, hobbies- for years and it never works. I feel temporarily satisfied for hours, days, weeks or even months and its usually when everything is going how I "like it." Something ALWAYS turns, though.

A fight with my mom, or boyfriend or school gets too tough and then I hit a low point. The honeymoon is over. I actually have honeymoon periods of happiness and then its over. I have often wondered if maybe I actually am manic/depressive.

 

I will go through these periods feeling higher than ever....SO in love, or having SO much fun, or being SO into my future career but then WHACK it stops and hits the bottom. I have a grocery list of things I could tell you that bother me about my life and the people or events in it and I could maybe even cry about all those things bc I am so upset.,,,,but I think the problem is ME. I have realized that this great big hole I have never is filled by anyone and I am the only one that can fill it. After much thought I have realized that I think I missing love. The love that you should have gotten as a child and all growing up.

 

My mother has been an addict of all sorts her whole life....smoking, eating,drinking and now its gambling. It hurts me more than I can even put into words. I can actually feel my mother holding me as a child and I know how she was. She was depressed, lonely, addicted, angry and I feel this has truly passed on to me. My closet siblings are 9 and 12 years older than me and I feel that they may have had it a little easier bc they had each other. My family always tells stories of them....more so my sister telling endearing stories of my brother or vice versa and then my family joining in. I think I have heard ten stories my whole life of how great I was. I can count on one hand the number of times my mom has ever complimented me....and NEVER has she once praised anything I do positively in my life. She has never once expressed how talented I am, or how great of a person. NEVER ONCE. I have only heard that I am a "pretty girl" a handful of times or that I'm a "sweetie"...that's it. I feel unloved.

 

I think my mom has dysthymia- chronic depression...in fact I know she does. She has even told me she was depressed her whole life. Even now...when I come home from college for a visit she acts annoyed when I interrupt her TV program. or when I am talking and telling her about really important things she just dreams away and I catch her staring at the TV. I dont think she can help it and I cant help the way she is either. I need to help myself. I am so hurt my her gambling.NON STOP. Her and my father have both totally screwed me over in my mind and in theirs bc of gambling...and yet they continue to do it. The gambling got them into the huge debt and my own debt now....but they continue to dig themselves deeper as if they have no remorse. Thishurts so bad and I cant even talk to them about it. I am still so financially dependent on them and I feel there is nothing I can do.

 

I am in a relationship right now with the most supportive person and it makes it really hard to give him what he needs when I cant even give myself what I need. I dont even know WHAT I need. I just know that I have been neglected of the #1 thing a person needs in life. Love. I can even remember my mom coming home drunk when I was seven or so and her screaming at my dad that she was going to move out and get an apartment for herself. She didnt need any of us and that she wanted to be alone. When I was six. My mom was not like this ALL the time. But enough to where I can clearly remember times like these. It's always about her and it always has been. I have even said that to my dad (that its all about her) and he agreed.

[suegail]

I'm sorry it's been hard for you, and I do understand that it's been hard because I grew up surrounded by alcoholism (my mother) and mental illness (my father)...it's a hard road. Just for the record, my mother has been sober now since I was about age 26, and i am extremely grateful for that. My mom also was never one to tell me I was lovely or talented, but I can't fault her for that. It would have been nice to hear but somehow it's just never been her nature. There are however so many other things of great value I see in her. We are close, and I know there is great love between us, it's understood, but hugs, kisses, compliments....that is not my mother. I've always accepted it.

 

Anyway, I wasn't trying to take away from your story - rather I was hoping to show you that I had a very similar experience and how I put that into perspective. I know it's difficult, but look - - you see all the problems and what these things have done to their lives. Don't make their mistakes. Let it be the thing that makes you stronger and much wiser.

 

You said you feel you can't talk to your parents about their problems and I think that's too bad. They might surprise you by listening. It might be a jolt to them, one they need. Maybe it's just the opposite and they'd never listen, and they'd get angry about it...I don't know, but I feel it pays to be honest with people, especially in these situations, come what may. If everyone just kind of looks away and trys to pretend things are normal when they are not, it doesn't help anyone obviously.

 

I'm glad to hear you've got a good person in your life. That's nice..it's just good to have someone you can talk to and someone who honestly cares about you. Over the years I've come to appreciate the richness of such friendships.

 

Please do take care of yourself, and try to go forward. They say it's hard to see the road ahead if you're constantly looking back. I've found that to be true.

 

"Most folks are as happy as they make up their minds to be."

Abraham Lincoln

[Guest]

I also grew up with an alchoholic mother and now my brother is as well. They are both still active drinkers. I found that Alnon and groups like this are very helpful to people like us. They give a sense of spirituality, family, and support. They help you to gain confidence and skills that you would of learned if you had not been neglected. I have just started going to these meetings but I feel that they may indeed help. At the beginning it is very emotionally intense, but then you start to feel more comfortable going to them. Try it out, they are all over the US. best wishes....