Does it matter he doesn't want to remember my birthday ?

[Leena]

Oh crap .. I didnt know what I was signing up for when I got together with him. He did tell me not to expect him to celebrate birthdays and he said he didnt want to know mine and he didnt tell his. He did said that if I found it difficult to accept and expects him to celebrate birthdays, then dont be with him. I just agreed without even asking myself whether I would be bothered if he didnt celebrate birthdays with me. I feel stupid.

[Adunaphel]

Funny thing is .. he remembers his ex's bday, a few weeks b4 her bday, he ordered flowers to be sent to her. And on the day itself, he bought her cake. And he explained that he just wanted to make her happy cos she is just recovering after being sick for 2 months.

 

Doing this just to make her ex happy just because she has been sick for two months is really nice and caring of him, but it does not take a rocket scientist to figure out that if you bought flowers and cake for your ex's birthday, the minimum you can do not to make your gf feel neglected is buying her something on her birthday too, even if the circumstances were different and you normally don't like to celebrate birthdays.

 

Do you think he would go out of his way for you if you were sick?

 

How often did he and his ex hang out together before she got sick?

Have you always been okay with it?

Have you ever been jealous of her?

 

If you are sure that his ex and he have no feelings for each other, and that he really cares about you and would do for you what he is doing for his ex gf, and if he is otherwise a great guy, fine.

 

Otherwise, I'd say give yourself a nice birthday present and break up with him.

[Buttaflyy]

I feel stupid.

 

And he thinks you are. Believe me! Dump him quick!

[Guest]

Do you not see the problem here? Please tell me you are joking about questioning this. He's putting his ex ahead of you??? He has to ask his ex permission if he can hang out with you on your birthday? Who is this guy...and why is he still hanging with his ex when he's dating you?

 

I'm not trying to sound harsh...but I'm only telling you what I'd want to hear if the situation was reversed. This guy is not in love with you...nor is he good enough for you. If he were in love, he'd have celebrated your birthday, and would have been climbing the walls until your birthday, because he wouldn't be able to wait to give you the awesome present he bought for you...and he wouldn't be able to wait to see the happy smile on your face as he handed you his gift. Please ditch this loser.

[Leena]

Before she got sick, he would see her at least once a month. Just to check up on her illness. He did tell me beforehand he is still in contact with his ex because of her illness. I told him it was ok.

 

I dont think I feel jealous about her. But rather jealous of what he does for her. He is being with me for her reason right ? I mean, if he wanted to be with her, he could have right now. He tells me he can't be with her.

 

But with all the things he has done for her, and still is doing for her, I think I am jealous. I dont know whether he will do the things he is doing for her if I was in her situation and was the ex. He was with her 5 yrs. I have only been with him for 8 mths. I do think he shares some kind of bond with her. OK. I do admit I am afraid he might have the feelings back for her after he spends too much time with her. I try not to think about it. And he has already explained he cant be with her anymore.

 

Wait a minute. What has his ex have to do anything about me feeling whether it matters if he doesnt want to celebrate my birthday ?

[Walk]

I remember a poster from a while back who was in the exact same situation as you are... Ex was dying from cancer, bf was neglecting the poster to care for the ex.. the poster was trying to decide if she should stay or go...

 

Was it you who had posted back then? If not, these are eerily similiar stories.

[Leena]

Ok .. It wasnt that he needed to ask permission from her to hang out with me on my birthday. He just asked her whether it would be ok to postpone what he had promised to do for her. Because he had promised her and I do think he needed to keep his word otherwise he would come off as a person who cant keep to his word.

 

I cannot but feel that this is not because of the ex. She is just sick and he is being a friend to her. To me, its just like visiting and making a friend or relative happy. If I were to him an ultimatum to choose his ex or me, I know he will choose his ex. And I will never ask him to stop seeing his sick ex because I would come across as insecure and a selfish and mean person.

 

This is about me. Whether is it rightful for me to feel sad about him not wanting to celebrate or to remember my birthday. I cannot just break-up with him just because of a birthdate.

 

I do feel stupid because I was the one agreed with him not to celebrate birthdays. If I wanted to celebrate birthdays, I shouldn't have agreed. Its like he is telling me that its poison and yet I want to drink it.

[Leena]

No .. my bf's ex is not dying. She just has lupus and she just had a flare.

She had to be hospitalised for some time.

 

Again .. its not about the ex.

[Buttaflyy]

Ok .. It wasnt that he needed to ask permission from her to hang out with me on my birthday. He just asked her whether it would be ok to postpone what he had promised to do for her. Because he had promised her and I do think he needed to keep his word otherwise he would come off as a person who cant keep to his word.

 

I cannot but feel that this is not because of the ex. She is just sick and he is being a friend to her. To me, its just like visiting and making a friend or relative happy. If I were to him an ultimatum to choose his ex or me, I know he will choose his ex. And I will never ask him to stop seeing his sick ex because I would come across as insecure and a selfish and mean person.

 

This is about me. Whether is it rightful for me to feel sad about him not wanting to celebrate or to remember my birthday. I cannot just break-up with him just because of a birthdate.

 

I do feel stupid because I was the one agreed with him not to celebrate birthdays. If I wanted to celebrate birthdays, I shouldn't have agreed. Its like he is telling me that its poison and yet I want to drink it.

 

 

Do you think that he cares about your happiness? Doesn't sound like he does. Even if he doesn't celebrate birthdays, let's say he's a Jehovah's Witness or similar, you DO celebrate your birthday and are entitled to a birthday celebration.

 

You say you know he'd choose his ex over you. Why is he still your bf? Why?

[Leena]

I dont really care about the ex. This is not about her.

 

This is about whether it matters when someone doesnt want to celebrate birthdays with me. Whether I should be worried if he doesnt want to celebrate with me. Or whether I am just being insecure or paranoid.

[Leena]

He would choose his ex over me if I were to make him choose because if you were him and you cared for a sick ex who is now your friend, and your gf is making you choose between your sick ex and her. What sort of person would you be coming off as ? Insecure and petty.

 

Honestly, tell me.

[Buttaflyy]

He would choose his ex over me if I were to make him choose because if you were him and you cared for a sick ex who is now your friend, and your gf is making you choose between your sick ex and her. What sort of person would you be coming off as ? Insecure and petty.

 

Honestly, tell me.

 

You're right! It's about his lack of compassion for you.

 

I dont really care about the ex. This is not about her.

 

This is about whether it matters when someone doesnt want to celebrate birthdays with me. Whether I should be worried if he doesnt want to celebrate with me. Or whether I am just being insecure or paranoid.

 

I think the consensus is that your feelings are valid. It's not what you want to hear though. You want to hear that his behavior is justifiable.

 

I wouldn't worry so much about the birthday thing because you have bigger fish to fry with this guy. From what you said he doesn't hold you in high regards.

[littlepiggy1]

This is about whether it matters when someone doesnt want to celebrate birthdays with me. Whether I should be worried if he doesnt want to celebrate with me. Or whether I am just being insecure or paranoid.

 

I don't think you're being insecure and paranoid. I think you two have differing views on birthdays. From what you've written, he made his views on the subject pretty clear early on. You thought you could deal with that, but now that the bridge has been crossed, you aren't happy with it.

 

Personally, if he is so dead set against celebrating your birthday, then I would be re-evaluating being with this guy. It's one day of the year for crying out loud.

[Adunaphel]

I dont really care about the ex. This is not about her.

 

This is about whether it matters when someone doesnt want to celebrate birthdays with me. Whether I should be worried if he doesnt want to celebrate with me. Or whether I am just being insecure or paranoid.

 

You should be worried if he wants to celebrate his friends' birthdays but not your own. Or if he celebrates his birthday with other people but not with you.

Or if he would celebrate his gf's birthday if he was in a relationship with someone else.

 

Anyway, you are being neither insecure nor paranoid.

[Walk]

This is where I'm seeing the problem.. If you take your relationship as you've told it to us.. and exclude the ex.. then I still feel you have a right to be upset that he didn't care how YOU felt about birthdays. He set an ultimatum to you from the beginning that there would be no bday celebrations, or even remembering them. That's my first problem. His not caring that YOU care about birthdays. No comprimise. No wanting to make you happy. Not even him saying he'd take you to dinner the day after just to say "Hey, thanks for sticking with me. I love you."

 

Throw in the ex... and you say he DID remember her bday. He DID go out of his way for her. He DID put effort and thought into it.

 

And I come to the conclusion that the reason he doesn't want to remember your bday is because YOU are not important to him.

 

That's how I see it. I know you feel it doesn't involve the ex, but he brought her into the relationship. Just as any friends or relatives I have in my life are brought into MY relationship. I have to be careful to reassure my bf (through actions and words) that he is still the most special person to me. The person I want most in my life. If I give more of my attention to some one else (the ex's bday) then I'm NOT showing him he is special to me. I'm telling him I don't care for him as much as I do this other person. His feelings are not as important as someone elses. So I have to ensure I do equal or more for my bf as I do for others. If I chose not to do that.. then I can't expect him to treat me as someone special either.

 

Unless you can honestly tell me that he NEVER celebrates his birthday, never celebrates anyone elses, or remembers anyone elses birthday... unless you can tell me that, then what I see is a man who just didn't care enough to bother.

[nicki]

Exactly, Walk and everyone else.

 

There is no justification for his behavior. It's not about birthdays, or whatever crap he says to make you feel bad.

 

It's about this guy not showing you he cares about what you care about.

 

It's about this guy giving another woman the love and affection you deserve.

 

It's about you thinking you don't deserve more than him. And you really do.

 

It's about you taking a baby step and telling this guy that you were hurt he didn't celebrate your birthday.

 

It's about you taking a bigger step and cutting off all contact with this great big loser.

 

You can't kiss this frog into a prince. As someone else said, "Next."

 

Please listen to everyone here. Move on to better things and to some guy who will give you a present and a big card on your birthday.

 

Happy birthday, by the way.

[whichwayisup]

Well, does she not have other friends who can check in on her? Family? Sisters, brothers? Another ex boyfriend? Why does he feel so obligated to her?

[Leena]

He asked to postpone my birthday. We are suppose to celebrate it this weekend as he has been busy with work. Although I did not get any flowers or any gift on that day itself, I dont know whether I will this weekend.

 

Yes, he did give me a choice when at the beginning he said he doesnt want to remember birthdays. He said too he doesnt want to remember anniversaries and doesnt want to celebrate Valentine's day. Everyday is special and it doesnt have to be a specific date. And also with the reason, he is a forgetful person and if forgets my birthday, he doesnt want to be angry at for being forgetful, so might as well, dont remember any dates. That is his reasons.

 

Ok. So at that time, I too thought it wouldnt matter to me. But since now my birthday has gone, I realised that it DOES matter to me but I have told him that in the beginning that it doesnt matter to me when it actually did.

I feel that I was the one that lied to him. That I gave him the wrong impression. And to many women, dates are important. But what do men actually think ?

 

My bf doesnt feel obligated to his ex. He is being a friend to her. Isnt that if you had a good friend, you would visit her when she is sick ? He is not taking care of her, just visiting her daily to see whether she is getting better.

Of course she has others to check-up on her. The way I see, she is just a good friend to him. If he wanted to be with her, he would have by now.

 

So ok, if I want to break up with him. And he asks me why. I just say "its because you remember your ex birthday but you didnt want to remember mine and therefore I think I am being treated less important than others and I deserve better". I feel like a fool if I am going say that. Therefore, I dont know what to say.

[tikigods]

it sounds to me that no matter what we say you are going to spin it around and make tons of excuses as to why he is the way he is, so I have to ask why did you come here for advice in the first place if you aren't going to take advice, and heck even LISTEN to advice that is given to you? If you don't want to break up with him, then don't, but know that the things that bother you, like this, are things that you ALLOW to happen to you when you are with someone that won't listen to your needs.

 

IT sounds to me that you are in a state of denial and no amount of us posting here is going to get you out of there

[britchick]

Stop making excuses for this man. He DOES celebrate birthdays, but cannot be bothered to even remember yours. If he can't remember dates why doesn't he buy a diary - he's 31 for goodness sake.

You say this is just about the birthday but what you have said has been very revealing.

He can't be a completely thoughtless man because he has shown that he can be thoughtful towards his ex. The problem is he doesn't care for you the way he cares for her. It sounds as if you're being used.

[Leena]

GOD ... I had just dawn upon me that :

 

1. He stated to me clearly in the beginning, yet because I was blinded by love or desperation, I had agreed with him.

 

2. Trying to convince myself that its just about a date and its no big deal, when it is a big deal.

 

3. Making excuses for him when he had done things for his ex when she was his gf and is still doing things for her even when she is now an ex; that he doesnt do for me when I am his gf now and will not do for me after I break-up with him.

 

4. Trying to convince myself that he doesnt have feelings for his ex when my intuition tells me its just a matter of time. If he doesnt, then he wouldnt have wanted to make her happy and please her.

 

I went to see his ex when he was at work yesterday. She was surprise to see me as we have never met before. He didnt want us to meet each other with the fear that he didnt know how would his ex react. I introduce myself and I asked her whether he celebrated birthdays with her with the pretence I told her that we were going to celebrate mine this weekend and was wondering what he might have surprise for me. What I found out was this :

 

Before they got together, he didnt ask her when her birthday was. He went to find out himself. They had worked together and he used his office manager's computer to find out her birthday. I WAS GOING TO SHOOT MYSELF. The first year they were together, he called his friend to ask them where he should take her out for her birthday. Although she said he didnt gave her any presents because he didnt much money back then and he had saved up for the dinner. WOW !!!! And every year after that, he only took her for dinners on her birthday. No gifts. No flowers. And she did say, he doesnt like Valentine's day and he has never bought her flowers. But they did celebrate anniversaries by going on holiday or doing something special every year.

 

She asked me when my birthday was and I told her that it has passed and she asked me whether it was that day he was suppose to be doing something for her. And I told her, yes. He had asked her whether it was ok to postpone their plan, and he didnt tell her why. He told her that he might have to do something else. She said ok to him and thought nothing of it. He didnt tell her it was my birthday. Then the next day, he told her that he has postpone his plans and that he could do what he had promised for her. But since she had already thought that he had other plans so she already made other plans on that day.

 

This revelation only makes true what everyone has said.

[littlekitty]

Maybe if I read it back to you in drama dialogue

 

 

You: "My birthday is coming up baby. Can we celebrate?"

 

Him: "No. I won't remember the date. Also, I will be seeing my ex girlfriend that day"

 

Even his god damn ex girlfriend assumed he would be spending the day with his GIRLFRIEND on her BIRTHDAY........

 

*Calls electrician to fix the lightbulb above your head*

 

Word to PA on this one!!

[Walk]

Does he treat you like every day is special though? Or at least the majority of days? Is it how you want to be treated.

 

He may have implied you had a choice in not remembering bdays and stuff, but I'm not sure how much of a choice you've had in this. And although you agreed with him at the time, how much of that was based off the believe that he would treat every day as "special"? But if he fails in doing that, showing you on a regular and consistent basis that you are special, then he's broken the agreement with you. And I'm finding it hard to believe he treats every day as special with you when he's spending every day with his ex, buying her flowers and cake, and you can't even get a tiny card on your bday. EVEN when he knew a few days in advance!

 

So how is he holding up his end of the bargain? You two made an agreement. Do you feel everyday, or most days, that he really shows you how special you are to him? Or do you feel like he had failed again by showing you that you aren't even special on your bday?

 

You have to come to your own conclusion if this is tolerable or not, based on what you want in life, what makes you happy, and your goals and ideas regarding life. Trust how you feel. You aren't over reacting. And you aren't asking for too much. You've tried doing things his way and it isn't working for you.

 

If I were in your position, I would talk to him about how he views your relationship, and the agreement you two made regarding bdays and special occasion days. I would explain that I don't feel he's holding up his end of the agreement in treating me as someone special on a regular basis because of X, Y, and Z behavior he's shown. For example, he goes out of his way for her bday but not yours. He makes time for her every day, but not you. etc. She is simply a comparison of how he treats others versus how he treats you. And you are only asking for bare minimum EQUAL treatment and you are not even getting that.

 

I would ask his views on the matter, but I'd do so with a guarded mind. He'll probably attempt to justify his behavior and turn it around to make you out to be petty and selfish. You aren't. So don't believe him. You have to have self-confidence. Believe in yourself and that you're feelings are valid and justified. You're willing to discuss a comprimise, but do NOT take the blame for his actions. If he is unable, or unwilling to accept that your feelings matter and that you have a right to be unhappy with the situation, then break off the relationship. If he does try to turn this around on you, and make you believe you are asking for too much, then no amount of "talk" will ever get him to view you as equally, or more, important than his ex. And personally, I don't want to be with someone who treats me with so little respect that they would insist my feelings are invalid or not justified.

 

If he's willing to comprimise, and shows concern for how you feel and think, then maybe you two can work together to build a stronger relationship. That's how it's supposed to work. You two should be able to comprimise on things as the relationship grows and evolves. It's not static, and unchanging. There are areas that may have been great at the beginning, but because people change, these things need to be re-worked in order to continue making both people happy over time.

 

But I have a bad feeling that he'll attempt to make you feel that you are wrong for how you feel. And he'll try to make you out to be the "bad guy" for your complaints. That doesn't show respect. It shows he doesn't care about you, or how you feel. And at that point, I really believe you should break up with him. If there's no way to comprimise to make both people happy, then there's no relationship.

 

That's what I would do.. That way he has the choice, after being made aware of my problem, for him to attempt to find a resolution with me. If he refuses to work with me, or attempts to shift the blame back on me, then I would end the relationship.

[littlekitty]

Very wise words from Walk.

[Walk]

Before they got together, he didnt ask her when her birthday was. He went to find out himself. They had worked together and he used his office manager's computer to find out her birthday.

 

he had saved up for the dinner.

But they did celebrate anniversaries by going on holiday or doing something special every year.

 

Then the next day, he told her that he has postpone his plans and that he could do what he had promised for her. But since she had already thought that he had other plans so she already made other plans on that day.

 

Leena, I would be so hurt if I found this out. I'm sorry you have to go through this.. but I think it's better that you've confronted this now, then waste months/years of your life with this a-hole.

 

He had no intention of spending your bday with you. ugh. What an ass. He postponed your bday so he could spend time with his ex?? Makes me angry and I'm not even the one in the relationship. I would be furious!

 

I didn't read you post til after I posted mine. I'm not sure I would bother talking to him about how you feel. I think I'd pack and skip without even giving him the curtousy of an explaination. He doesnt' deserve to be treated with respect, after the complete lack of respect he's shown you.