Guest Posted September 7, 2006 Posted September 7, 2006 I have this horrible sinking feeling but I give up, i can no longer tell what is gut feeling and what is my own paranoid mind projecting. We've been together 1 1/2 year. When we first started dating he had a best female feind who he admitted he used to like but got over it and now they are just friends. It started our relationship out on the wrong foot, i was always worried what would happen if she decided she liked him, and that he would never love me as much as we always fought about her. I had to fight and give ultimatums toi make him see that I was threatened by her. It passed, she dropped out of his life. Along comes a co-worker. He works long hours, his co-workers are his friends too. This one girl I started to become really uncomfortable around her. She used to be cool, but then she started to touch my Bf's arm when we were out and slide up near him, find excuses to sit next to him, but she would do it in front of me and look all bewildered when she saw me becoming upset. She is pretty attractive, they have a lot in common. She is also his friend's girlfriend. She sends out mass emails to do group activites and always invites Ryan, my BF. He always brings me along, which is good but I feel like she is trying to date him and strut her stuff on my time. Secretly I have worried that maybe they had a drunk snog. Lately she has seemed really uncomfortable around me, and made a face when i was talking to her about something like I was stupid or something. I told him between her relentless invites, bad attidute to me, and her change in behavior where she started feeling comfortable touching him, I did not want to hang out with her ever in these group settings even-- and asked him not to. He started bargaining with me that he promised he never would go without me. She had another party, and he said he was just going for a drink, I didn't want to see her, I said fine but was really upset when he stayed for more than a few drinks. I told him he is giving her the wrong idea by showing up without me and hanging out so late. We argued a lot, he alternates between being dismissive and saying I have been wrong about people before and this was reminding him of my jealousy over his last female friend. He has many friends of both sexes and i am cool with all of them just not this girl. I feel she is sh*tting on me on my own turf, and he is inadvertently encouraging her by not freezing her out. She is very clever and relentless which worries me. When she was all touchy with him he was kind of frozen, and he apologized the next day for not reacting by removing himself and us. We had a conversation where he admittted that he sees now what she is doing, and he would not hang out when she was around, he chooses to make me happy. Nice, right? Too bad it did not last 2 weeks. She keeps inviting him out for drinks, then he'll invite me but says I can say no. I keep explaining I don't understand why he can't just blow her off. He accuses me of trying to limit his social life and he just wants to have fun and include me. I retort that it is not fun for me to be with her and her best friend while she is dominating conversations and being flirty with you. So he gave in and he told her he couldn't make drinks, to appear to be compromising i said I understand she is in your group of friends, how about once a month but only in a group? Then she counter offered to cook dinner at her house. He actually agreed and was surprised when I was enraged and why did he agree to that? He said he considered her and her friend a group. And he wanted me along, but I reminded him that he promised he would never hang out with her. Secretly I fear he really wanted to be with his 1st female friend he had a crush on, and that I must be lacking something for him to be fighting me to hang out with this girl who clearly disrespects me and is after him, and if he hung out with her alone i would drop him in a hot second, but it is in this grey area where I am being invited along with this hateful hussy and her friends. Which are his friends too. They work very close to eachother, i just feel that maybe he is not long term material or "the one" if he keeps letting himself be open to influences that are trying to destroy us. I asked him if I had not kept objecting, where did he think all these delightful group hangouts would lead? Her friend asked me and Ryan to come to a one week trip with other girls and her BF was coincidentally not going to be there, I said no way that's not appropriate how would you feel about a vacation with 5 guys, me and you and one of them was touchy feely flirty with me. He turned it down and she actually rescheduled it and asked again!! This time he said yes for both of us, they know they just have to ask him twice and he will say yes the 2nd time. We got into another fight and i was thinking either my BF is retarded or we are having huge issues of disrespect here. So yes we will not go if i am insistent, but I am drained and i don't want this girl to win, i feel like she is trying to break me down and drive me away ever so subtly. Some days Ryan thinks i am being insecure , lately he gets upset when I bring up that if this is who he is it is not acceptable to me. i always wondered what he would be like in the face of temptation, I almost wish i would find out they did do something because i cannot figure out why this is such a battle. I think when a guy wants to protect his relationship, he can shut down very easily and the girl will disappear. I wonder if he is getting something out of it. I can't take the fighting, I am so resentful of him and underneath is a distrust that this girl has not been cool to me and he has been giving her any consideration as a friend once i told him that makes me feel betrayed. He says he loves me and I make him so happy, but he has not been making me happy lately. Sometimes i wonder if he was secretly attracted to her and if they had secret phone conversations and hung out alone, because her attidute shifted pretty fast after a few months. i have no proof, just a bad feeling. He says I have to trust he can handle it and not to confront her as he has to work with her for along time. Then he'll even make excuses for her like "well the touchiness was a month ago and she hasn't done it since" or "if you thought she was giving you attidute then why not defend yourself" and I would say I hoped as my BF he would not constantly put me in a situation with a hostile girl who is nice to me in front of his face, he says I'm overreacting. I need to trust him but even if this does get better, I am so angry at the way he has handled everything. By the way, I am his first real relationship, he is 27 years old. Am i being disrespected? I can't even tell anymore I just feel a sense of dread all the time and it has always been like this, under the surface because of his first female friend, who faded away (on her own, not on his part) and now this nightmare. I can't be friendly to this girl. Now he is having a birthday party in a week and of course she is invited, I don't know, I wish he would leave her out, which would be hard being his friend's girlfriend but i still wish he would.
quankanne Posted September 7, 2006 Posted September 7, 2006 okay, I have to confess I couldn't read through all your post, but the gist of it is, there are a lot of red flags, and they all point your direction: i was always worried what would happen if she decided she liked him, and that he would never love me as much as we always fought about her. I had to fight and give ultimatums toi make him see that I was threatened by her. I feel like she is trying to date him and strut her stuff on my time. I told him between her relentless invites, bad attidute to me, and her change in behavior where she started feeling comfortable touching him, I did not want to hang out with her ever in these group settings even -- and asked him not to. [/b]I told him he is giving her the wrong idea by showing up without me and hanging out so late.[/b] I feel she is sh*tting on me on my own turf, and he is inadvertently encouraging her by not freezing her out. I keep explaining I don't understand why he can't just blow her off Secretly I fear he really wanted to be with his 1st female friend he had a crush on, and that I must be lacking something for him to be fighting me to hang out with this girl if he hung out with her alone i would drop him in a hot second, but it is in this grey area where I am being invited along with this hateful hussy and her friends. i just feel that maybe he is not long term material or "the one" if he keeps letting himself be open to influences that are trying to destroy us. you are very insecure in this relationship, but instead of trying to strive for a certain sense of maturity that enables you to deal with situations that you perceive as threatening, you pitch a hissy because he's not in "compliance." I hate to burst your bubble, but he's allowed to have friends, even those you might not like. If he's "hanging out" with her as part of a group of friends, I don't really see how they're up to something, it's just your suspicious mind telling tales and you're going with them. if you plan to be in a relationship with this guy for much longer, you need to tone down the jealousy and mistrust over a situation that more than likely is a figment of your imagination. Or you're going to find yourself alone alone alone, all because some guy is tired of putting up with your irrational behavior.
littlepiggy1 Posted September 7, 2006 Posted September 7, 2006 It sounds like a few issues here. Her behavior (the touchy-feely stuff) isn't entirely appropriate. And perhaps she knows that it gets to you and is doing it to provoke you. OTOH, it could just be the simple fact that they are good friends. The flipside, however, is that you sound like you've got a mess of insecurities to work out. You already went through this once with a past friend of his, now it's another issue with someone else. If I was in his shoes, I'd be wondering, "who's she going to get pissed about next?" And issuing ultimatums is not going to solve anything. The tighter you cling, the more likely he will just slip away.
ceecee Posted September 7, 2006 Posted September 7, 2006 I think your bf should respect your happiness and avoid her if it is bothering you this much. She probably wont admit it to anyone, but she probably has a crush on your boyfriend! Ive seen it before, she pretends to be just a "friend", but does little things to make you wonder if she's so innocent. Those little things add up to a lot & you can feel it in your gut. If he truely loves you then he can break away from her or the whole group to make you comfortable. Maybe you could introduce him to your friends and he will have new people to hang out with. good luck.
Guest Posted September 7, 2006 Posted September 7, 2006 Thanks for your replies, I didn't realize how long my post was! Yes the 1st 2 posts make sense, but I'm telliing you this girl is pushy and relentless, plus-they knew eachother only half as long as we have been together. I probably should not have put so much emphasis on my fears, but that I am not sure if my BF is honoring me or whatever when i tell him I am uncomfortable around her flirty behavior and her obvious designs on him. I feel he needs to stand up to her and not do whatever she wants to avoid a confrontation with her at my expense so he keeps going along and gets mad at me. We've been together long enough that I see a pattern, a strong willed pushy female can get him to hang out all the time in a group and if I ask him to stop hanging out with them, because of this girl's behavior-which is what I also objected to with his first female friend (she used to invite herself over to sleep over and I said that had to stop and it did but I always feel like I have to force him) he'll say okay until the 3rd time they ask him then gives in. He also has other friends but he lets this girl and her friend dominate his "friend time". I just wish he had the balls to tell her "back off" to her face instead of saying he can't make it because "Liz (that's me) is busy".Oh she invited us to another gathering and he said yes. See my problem?
nicki Posted September 7, 2006 Posted September 7, 2006 Oh, wow, I know EXACTLY what you are talking about. She is sneaky with her behavior so it looks innocent. But you know it's not. It's just that others don't see it. Because your boyfriend is not their boyfriend. You know she is disrespecting you. I don't think you are insecure. You are just worried about his character. You think: hmmm, Is he easily flattered by women? Why can't he tell her to back off? Does he give off signals of being available? I'm sure what you would like him to do is 1. Care about your feelings and put you first. 2. Show this by telling her, in front of you, that he adores you, etc. Let her hear him compliment YOU. Be touchy around her with YOU. 3. Also tell her that he can't stay at the party without you because he wants to get home to you. 4. Decline one of her little invites. 5. Back her off when she is being touchy and flirty by saying "Oh, watch out. Only "Guest" gets to touch me like that." He needs to do whatever it takes to make you feel happy and secure. I think you are just looking to see if he is that kind of guy...and not some guy who would take another woman up on her advances. It's not like this girl is his sister or family. She's completely non-essential. And he should send her packing if you think she is disrespecting you. She doesn't sound like she should be trusted. She's not innocent. She knows what she is doing. That isn't your boyfriend's problem, but he should do whatever he can to take care of the situation, and not add to it. If it were me, I would insist that he do just that. I agree 100% with you. I'm tired of women like this poaching on other women's territory. It's not insecurity that you're feeling, it's instinct. You are on to her. And now you want to see what HE will do about it. I think you are smart to nip this behavior in the bud.
Guest Posted September 9, 2006 Posted September 9, 2006 Thanks for the great advice! You are an angel! Yeah these women with no respect for others relationships really get me down, especially he is not ever making plans with her or encouraging her by touching her back, she just keeps pursuing because she knows he has trouble saying no. But like you said, it is also a test of his character. And yes those are great tips we'll try them and see how this goes. He is usually a conservative person in the public displays of affection department and a desperate girl on the prowl would see take that as a sign he is open to her in some twisted way. So that will have to change. Thank you again!!
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