reneet Posted September 7, 2006 Posted September 7, 2006 Everyone in this type of situation should realize that if we were'n with MM, we would not have to do as much thinking, plotting, planning, NC bull sh**, crying, heart aching etc... The MM has it sooooooooo easy. We make it easy for them don't we???
lovernotafighter Posted September 7, 2006 Posted September 7, 2006 your kidding right? these guys don't have it easy at all...they have to lie and plot all the time...sure they are better at compartmentalising than women but I don't think they have it easy. maybe I just say that 'cause I know what I have to go through being married myself..it's a huge problem..I'm living a double life..so is my MM..the only thing keeping us together is love..in all honesty we have hardly no time for each other,it's just our bond keeping us where we are...I should count my blessings
Author reneet Posted September 7, 2006 Author Posted September 7, 2006 your kidding right? these guys don't have it easy at all...they have to lie and plot all the time...sure they are better at compartmentalising than women but I don't think they have it easy. maybe I just say that 'cause I know what I have to go through being married myself..it's a huge problem..I'm living a double life..so is my MM..the only thing keeping us together is love..in all honesty we have hardly no time for each other,it's just our bond keeping us where we are...I should count my blessings How the he^^ do you build on that bond with no time together? If you & your MM were not married, you'd both be a whole he^^ of alot happier. Dontcha think??
yousaveme Posted September 7, 2006 Posted September 7, 2006 Men in general have it easier then us. We do the worrying and the crying...They just sit back and say IT WILL WORKOUT. Here's a question why did we fall so hard for MM?
Author reneet Posted September 7, 2006 Author Posted September 7, 2006 Men in general have it easier then us. We do the worrying and the crying...They just sit back and say IT WILL WORKOUT. Right! Therefore, MM have it way too easy Here's a question why did we fall so hard for MM? I have no idea:o
yousaveme Posted September 7, 2006 Posted September 7, 2006 I have no idea:o i do have to say coming here (loveshack.org) and chatting with you has helped....Thanks
Author reneet Posted September 7, 2006 Author Posted September 7, 2006 i do have to say coming here (loveshack.org) and chatting with you has helped....Thanks Hey, have you decided whatcha were gonna do?
yousaveme Posted September 7, 2006 Posted September 7, 2006 Hey, have you decided whatcha were gonna do? Call me an idiot i guess. Im going to try and hang in there..I love him and i know how he feels. Based on that i going to try and hang in. You might think im totally insane but if this ends up that we are together then its was all worth it. I do have to give it a limit though.
stillhere Posted September 7, 2006 Posted September 7, 2006 No, i don't think MM have it easier. In fact, it's harder on my MM than me. He has to sneak away from 2 people, he has to find out where we can meet. And he's doing all this while running his business, and working, and home life. In our situation, i have it the easiest! And he worries about me as much as i worry about him!
Guest MM Posted September 8, 2006 Posted September 8, 2006 Although I wouldn't attempt to measure the depths of the pain experienced by BW's, OW's and MM's, I think it's safe to say that A's usually end up being extremely painful experiences for all parties involved - most MM's are not exempt. For me, the guilt associated with my betrayal, the pain I've inflicted on my wife, the risks I've taken with my marriage, family, job and reputation, and my inability to actively pursue the feelings I have with my OW have all caused an inordinate amount of stress and emotional pain. And let's not forget the loss of dignity...in fact, I've recently taken to seeing a psychologist to help me deal with the emotional roller coaster that my A has wrought. Just wanted you all to know that not every MM is sitting around, giddy with pleasure at the thought of being involved in an A.
Guest Posted September 8, 2006 Posted September 8, 2006 I think it's hard on both of us, for me it's the fact that I miss him at times. BUT for him, he has to go home and and try to act like nothing is going on, he has to hope he hasn't picked up any of my scents on his clothing, he has to worry about talking about me in his sleep (he does dream about me), so all in all its not so easy for him either. We both know we are in this affair totally together, it wasn't supposed to turn out as it has, it was going to be a short term fling. But we can't stay away from each other, no matter how hard we have tried. I do not want him to leave his wife, and that may sound outrageous. But I am not ready to be tied down in a relationship, although I love him with all my heart. I just came out of a very LTR, he happened to come along at a time in my life when I just needed a friend, with benefits. It turned into something much more, it's not easy for anyone who is having an affair. He has admitted to cheating once before, however he never had an affair that has lasted like ours, it's almost two years. He says he loves his wife, and I always question him - why does he see me if he loves her. His answer, he loves me too. Who knows? All I know is he is a cakeman, there is no denying it.
Guest Posted September 9, 2006 Posted September 9, 2006 Men in general have it easier then us. We do the worrying and the crying...They just sit back and say IT WILL WORKOUT. Here's a question why did we fall so hard for MM? Because SG's don't act like MM do. MM show a LOT of interest. And why not? It's safe for them to. They're charming and bold. They don't have any insecurity like some SG's might. They don't have the fear that some SG's might have that you'll get too close. They don't have the fear like some SG's have that you'll reject them. They don't want to be rejected of course, but they're not putting their whole ego on the line either. They can always claim that they were just flirting. We fall for them because they come across like the prince Charming's in the fairy tales we grew up with. That's why. It's because they always have a trap door to slip out through.
IngenueMisnomer Posted September 9, 2006 Posted September 9, 2006 I used to think that my MM has it easy, that's he's a "cakeman". But from some of the things he's said I've realised that it's potentially more difficult for him than it is for me. Afterall he's the one who's M. If he was a SG we would not be in the situation that we've caught ourselves in. The difference between us is that I'm much more emotional than he is. I'm constantly brooding and everyday is a struggle to maintain my sanity. I think in order to maintain his composure he distances himself from his emotions and compartmentalizes his feelings. He cringes whenever I make the mistake of pointing out the reality of what we're doing. It's like he just doesn't want to think about it.
YoMomma Posted September 10, 2006 Posted September 10, 2006 You are so right! We love each other but know what we are doing is not right. However, what we have is an addiction towards each other the chemistry is so strong. I do believe if he were not married we would be together. I used to think that my MM has it easy, that's he's a "cakeman". But from some of the things he's said I've realised that it's potentially more difficult for him than it is for me. Afterall he's the one who's M. If he was a SG we would not be in the situation that we've caught ourselves in. The difference between us is that I'm much more emotional than he is. I'm constantly brooding and everyday is a struggle to maintain my sanity. I think in order to maintain his composure he distances himself from his emotions and compartmentalizes his feelings. He cringes whenever I make the mistake of pointing out the reality of what we're doing. It's like he just doesn't want to think about it.
Island Girl Posted September 10, 2006 Posted September 10, 2006 My GAWD girls you should demand more for yourselves. I got involved with a MM. I did not know he was married. He hid it from me and hid it very well. But I eventually found out. His wife called his cell phone (by then he was practically living with me) while he was at the store one day. Apparently she called every once in a while to find out where he was because he hadn't been home for months. I had a really long conversation with her - he called on the other line during and I told him "I'm talking to your WIFE on the other line, I gotta go" --and I told her everything. Not all of the details of course but how long we'd been together, that he stays at my house, etc. It wasn't HER fault he was doing this. I felt she deserved to know so she had all the information she needed that he couldn't play her if that is what he was doing. She also told me she suspected as much and told me they'd had conversations for years about not being happy and he had told her he did not want to stay married to her then the last few months he wouldn't come home or really talk to her. When he got back he told me he was glad he didn't have to hide it anymore and he was getting a divorce. I packed his stuff while he was talking and I told him he had a mess to clean up and not to contact me. Well, it was a few weeks of refused phone calls, etc. before he tracked me down while I was out with friends. We talked and he was absolutely unattached and I verified that. He began courting me again. Dates and long conversations. I dated other people too for quite sometime and by my rule he didn't. He had to take the available time I gave him while I worked on trusting him. I made him work for it. Loveless marraige or not, he was wrong to do what he did. He lied to me and it took a long time to get back from that. 5 years later we were just married. It is a completely committed relationship and at any time he is an open book to me. He knows if I have a question, it deserves an answer. He works on making me happy and secure by always opening the avenue to check anything he ever tells me. Bottom line is -- I was never the person to take less than 100% committment from whoever I dated. He knew that from the beginning. He knows he lost me for a while because of that. The only reason I even talked to him again is I was never discarded or cast aside while he spent time with somebody else. I was never number 2 or a stand in for number 1. Any girl should demand the same thing. If you are KNOWINGLY dating a married man, imagine 'your' man in front of you hugging, kissing, making love, and making plans with someone else while you stand there and wait your turn for the same thing. Just because it is not happening in front of you doesn't mean that is not what is going on. The rest is just geography. All women should demand 100% effort in the relationship especially if that is what you are putting in as the OW.
Guest Posted September 10, 2006 Posted September 10, 2006 All women should demand 100% effort in the relationship especially if that is what you are putting in as the OW. Who said anything about giving our MM 100%? Not every OW is sitting around twiddling their thumbs waiting for the phone to ring! Every relationship is different.
Joelle Posted September 10, 2006 Posted September 10, 2006 Who said anything about giving our MM 100%? Not every OW is sitting around twiddling their thumbs waiting for the phone to ring! Every relationship is different. That's a good point.
BUTAFLY Posted September 10, 2006 Posted September 10, 2006 Who said anything about giving our MM 100%? Not every OW is sitting around twiddling their thumbs waiting for the phone to ring! Every relationship is different. you know what she is trying to say....stop with the semantics. It goes w/o saying every relationship is different.
Joelle Posted September 10, 2006 Posted September 10, 2006 That's a good point. Let me play devil's advocate for just a moment to clarify my point. To my understanding, some OW's (like MM's) are married themselves, and may have children. Doesn't this imply that these OW's won't be giving 100% of themselves either? Because of this, these OW's may not expect a lot from their MM's. Just a thought.
Island Girl Posted September 10, 2006 Posted September 10, 2006 OK - I'll break it down - 100% means - Aren't you "there for him"? If he calls and needs to see you and has worked you into the schedule, you make it happen right? If he needs to talk or has a hard day -- your "there for him", right? You are supportive, caring, nurturing when needed, etc. What about when you feel like YOU need somebody? Does he drop everything and make it happen? Probably not. What about being "there for you when you have had a hard day? Is he around to help you out? Probably not. Certainly, even if your answer was "yes" to either of these questions, the ability to develope a relationship that is time tested, truly commitment based where all needs are met is impossible when one of the parties ids playing both sides of the fence. The other woman generally puts their needs aside and settles for what time she can get. Things like school plays for the kids (if a single mom), etc. - i.e. participation in the other facets of the OW's life are where she has to 'go it alone'. The man doesn't sacrifice and end up alone at night - or ever. See when he isn't with you, he is with the wife. He doesn't sleep alone. He doesn't meet challenges in life alone. He has someone standing next to him and someone waiting in the wings for the leftovers. Why settle for that and knowingly hurt other people (namely the wife who has no knowing participation in this threesome relationship) when you could have someone who wants to get to know you and, if you have children of your own, your family. Someone who is a participant in your life, not just someone who walks in and out at will. Someone who you can curl up with every night at the end of a long hard day and just breath with. Someone who is at home cooking dinner for YOU when you get home. If you aren't looking for that, then you aren't looking for a committed relationship and there is no reason to be with someone else's man -- there are men that don't want commitment EVERYWHERE. You can't throw a rock without hitting one. Why not pick a new flavor every month. The false sense of intimacy and false foundation found in an illicit affair can be fostered anywhere. Why hurt someone else?
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