justice Posted September 21, 2006 Posted September 21, 2006 Excuse me, if you became involved with him knowing he is married, you would be cheating with him. And if the W can prove it, you could be called into divorce court as a correspondant in the issue. I'd think long and hard about playing with someone else's life this way. Do you want this responsibility? Are you ready to face the heat if it goes to divorce court?
justice Posted September 21, 2006 Posted September 21, 2006 Once again this is where you need to think of other people involved instead of being selfish and thinking only of yourself and your wants and needs.
PoshPrincess Posted September 21, 2006 Posted September 21, 2006 What can I say but DON'T GO THERE!!!!! It's very rare that you can keep it casual and emotionally commitment-free. It is pretty likely that either you will fall in love with him or he will fall in love with you - or both! I would hate you to feel how I have been feeling for the past four months. It just isn't worth all the heartache. That's not to say if any one had warned me when I met my MM that I would have listened - probably not - but in hindsight as much as I love my MM with all my heart I wouldn't go there again! You say his W and kids aren't your responsibility but by getting involved with him you would be making them your responsibility, especially if the two of you fell in love, or even worse if W found out, which happens more often than not, as in my case. Ok, so he technically is the one who's cheating on his W and maybe if it wasn't you it would be someone else, but would you really want to be involved in inflicting all that pain on another person, not to mention the three kids! This would be even worse for you as you work with him. W would do everything in her power to make sure you didn't work with him and, if the s**t hit the fan, so would he. As you've been told by others who have posted on this thread, he would do what he could to make you look like the one at fault and you would lose your job along with your dignity. I haven't had personal experience of this but I know people who have and at the end of the day, it is almost always the OW, particularly if in a less powerful position in the office, who ends up sacked or quitting. No good will ever come of this and by the sounds of your later posts you may be starting to realise this. I hope so. You deserve better. Under the right circumstances, if it's meant to be, it will be. Simple as.
whichwayisup Posted September 21, 2006 Posted September 21, 2006 To be honest I'm dreading office xmass party and seeing his wife there. Especially because I'm single and I will have to go there alone. I'm dreading this so much that I will probably give it a miss, unless I find a boyfriend to take with me. #1 You don't "need" a boyfriend to ward off this MM. You can do it on your own and say NO. (DO you know HOW many people will be at that Xmas party? You think that you'll be sitting next to him, watching him while him and his wife are having fun? I bet you know tons of people from work to hang out with too.) #2. If you really feel you need someone there, bring a friend. Don't ever kiss him again. Keep remembering that he's married, has children. Keep feeling that guilt and CHOOSE to say no to an affair with him.
SixthSt.Girl Posted September 21, 2006 Posted September 21, 2006 I guess not many men make me feel this way. I'm very rarely attracted to someone. Maybe happened 3-4 times in my whole life (I'm 25). I do go out and meet single men and just feel nothing for them. So it's not that easy. I do realize though that this is an impossible situation. I know that. I keep asking myself same questions over and over again: Would he? Would I? I have read threads on here and after doing so I convince myself, ok that's it, no more flirting. But then he would do something and it would make me feel all over again. Your situation sounds a lot like what I went through, and the above part really stands out to me. I had a MM boss that I was really attracted to, and I knew he liked me, too. It started out with looks and gazing, and he started touching and holding my arms. There was some flirting around, but it never did go anywhere. It wasn't so much that he was a good and honest person as it was he's a pretty weak person - he takes his lead from other people and isn't the type to make a move unless it's a sure thing. I was sending mixed signals as well since I was so into him, but I'd never been confronted with this situation and wasn't sure what to do. With spring, he started spending more time working with his other business, so we rarely saw each other anymore and I ended up leaving soon after that to move out of town and pursue another career. I still thought about him on and off - he was the first man that I really wanted to be with. I'd had boyfriends and guys who were interested in me, but I never felt the same feelings for them that I felt for this man. Sometimes, I think it is the thrill of the chase. Men want to know if they can have someone or not, but they don't want to change their lifestyle to be with the person. I don't know - I'm still puzzled by why exactly the MM in my case didn't take it to the next level, or try to (in my experience, when the man is interested, he will move in). I guess it was a mixture of things. I can't advise you because I don't know what I would've done had the MM initiated an affair. I was weaker at that time and didn't have much life experience. But, I'd be interested in hearing what happens with your situation. Good luck and be careful - if he is in a position of power at work, I'd especially weigh the risks.
Courtney75 Posted September 21, 2006 Posted September 21, 2006 I also saw some pictures of him and the kids on the company website (they were taken a year ago). He just looks so happy there and the kids are sooooo cute, that just about killed it for me. To be honest I'm dreading office xmass party and seeing his wife there. Especially because I'm single and I will have to go there alone. I'm dreading this so much that I will probably give it a miss, unless I find a boyfriend to take with me. That's what I'm saying,girl. These are just some of the consequences of getting involved with a MM. This kind of stuff really stings and it's depressing! He may not deliberately try to hurt you, but he will end up doing so nonetheless. You can count on it. He's acting as if he's single when he flirts with you at work and tries to hook up with you. He's probably a sucker for a pretty face like most men. Does he have pictures of his wife up all around his office? Does his wife accompany him to all the company events? He's probably pretty rock solid in his marriage, but has a simple case of the marital blahs. You know - that restless feeling of being with the same person year after year. You've shown that you like him and find him attractive, and this gives him an adrenaline rush because he feels like he still "has it" with women in general. It's probably an incredible boost to his self-esteem that you're interested in him. Now he has 'upped the ante' by attempting to kiss you. This is a clear indicator that he knows the opportunity to have sex with you is there and he is willing to take the plunge if you are. I know you're probably torn up about it, and you're wondering if you should surrender and let it happen. But I encourage you to be strong and walk away from this man. Nothing good can come from an affair with him. You need to stay grounded in reality. In truth, he has got this whole other world with a wife and family when he goes home at night. If he didn't want to be married to his wife, he wouldn't be. It's difficult for you to see it that way because you have got an idealized version of him in your mind. He may want to cheat on his wife because he's unhappy with her, but cheating with a co-worker as a form of escape is not healthy for anyone involved. It will just cause pain all around. If he's truly unhappily married, then he needs to seek a divorce. That's just my take on it. I just don't want to see you get used. I think you deserve much better!
Island Girl Posted September 21, 2006 Posted September 21, 2006 I read through this thread and there was so much in all of your posts that jumped out at me. I don't feel you are a cheater if you cheat with someone who is married. He is the cheater. However, you would be helping him cheat knowingly and the term for that would be jezebel -- meaning "A woman who is regarded as evil and scheming". You are the one who would have to live with the fact that your actions could bring tremendous hurt and anguish to others. His children, if in fact you ended up together, would hate you and that will cause numerous problems in your relationship with this man even if he did leave his wife. You say you have learned to only worry about yourself because other people don't care if they hurt you. First of all 2 wrongs don't make a right. And thankfully not everyone in the world subscribes to that same outlook. There are people out there who care about others. Look at the posters here for instance. His wife might just be one of those people who does reach out and help other people, you have no idea. You would be knowingly creating a problem in her marraige. Since you seem to be so concerned with work let's start there. The posting about using him by flirting etc. to advance your career is terrible advice: 1. It can backfire and you could lose your job that you didn't get by yourself in the first place. Would it be that easy to get another one? 2. The people in the office who get wind of it (and they WILL) will think you are incompetent and can't stand on your own. The married women in the office will definitely make things uncomfortable for you as well. The job you seem to like will turn into a terrible place to be. 3. Those same people you work with may end up as your boss or friends with a boss even at another company - you just don't seem to understand what a small world this can be. Imagine there is someone in your office who doesn't know you - who doesn't work with you who picks you out and systematically starts undermining you and causing problems for you at work. For a while, you don't know why everything at work is f***ed up but you can't seem to do anything right. Then you find out that it is this stranger who wanted to ad vance her own career and didn't care what she did to you. How would you feel about her? Because she doesn't own you anything, does that make it alright to you? That is exactly what you would be doing to his wife. The rosey picture of being with him will be stolen moments which soon become not enough. Then, when you are in deep, if he chooses not to leave his wife (more often than not) you are alone - waiting. Endlessly waiting for a call that he now has time for you. Not going out with friends for fear you might miss the call. Not pursuing other men because you are DEVOTED to him. While he is not. Having no one to share your special moments with because he has school plays, dinners at home, Christmas, Thanksgiving, 4th of July, etc. with his family. You don't fit into any of that. Your birthdays spent alone because he can't get away, etc. and all the while it becomes increasingly difficult to not be able to pick up the phone anytime you want and even talk to him. Settling for way less while he gets a very full plate indeed. That is what you want to pursue?! Because he is so handsome or nice to you or whatever? Really? You say you think you wouldn't do anything if a move was made. You are the one making the choice. Stuff like this doesn't just "happen". There is a clear choice and by trying to excuse something you KNOW is wrong -- you have said many times you want to do the right thing -- you are trying to pull the wool over your own eyes. Not fooling anyone here. You are 25 years old. Yes, his wife is 12 years older than you are. You say you felt great about that. Did you stop to think about the other side of that? Do you understand he has HISTORY with her. He has shared a wedding day, birthdays, anniversaries, holidays, childbirth, sickness, tragedy, happiness, etc. with HER. Do you really think he would walk away from that? She has proven herself to him. She has stuck with him. And because of her age she definitely has more in common with him than you do. All of that makes a difference after your little flirting becomes a consumated relationship. It will make a difference to him because you will be number 2. It will make a difference to you because you will be last behind everything else in his life. So that is the reality of what you face. What is worse is this man, if he does enter into an affair with you, knows it. He knows you are the one he does not ever sacrifice for. He DOESN"T care that much that he would knowingly put you in a position that HURTS you over and over again. He won't be hurt. You will. Boy he sounds great. Last but not least, you do not know this woman - his wife. She could be crazy jealous or go crazy because of this and reak havoc on your life if she finds out. Telling your parents and coworkers could be the least of your worries there. You are holding a Pandora's box and trying to find excuses to justify turning the key and opening it.
Author BlueEyedGirl Posted September 22, 2006 Author Posted September 22, 2006 Sometimes, I think it is the thrill of the chase. Men want to know if they can have someone or not, but they don't want to change their lifestyle to be with the person. I don't know - I'm still puzzled by why exactly the MM in my case didn't take it to the next level, or try to (in my experience, when the man is interested, he will move in). I guess it was a mixture of things. I can't advise you because I don't know what I would've done had the MM initiated an affair. I was weaker at that time and didn't have much life experience. But, I'd be interested in hearing what happens with your situation. Good luck and be careful - if he is in a position of power at work, I'd especially weigh the risks. I agree that it is thrill of the chase, for him and maybe even me. Yes he is in position of power, and I have no doubt that if he slept with me he would try to find ways to get rid off me and I would most likely end up getting fired, or transfered to another department at the very least. I'm sure nothing further will happen and this situation will blow over soon. He was suppesed to give me a call today and he didn't and I'm already feeling upset and annoyed.
Meaplus3 Posted September 22, 2006 Posted September 22, 2006 If YOU are married...tell your H about your feelings for OM, and work with him to determine a way to save your own marriage. If you're not married...tell your boss that you can't spend time with him for personal reasons. You don't want the heartache that you'll go through getting involved with someone who's already married. Well said OWL! The heartache of getting invloved with someone who is allready married is NOT worth it. If it goes in your favor, well that's another story. Trust me the chances of it going in your favor are VERY slim. I would RUNNNNN FAST and FORGET, I wish I had about 10 months ago! Good Luck. AP
BenThereDunThat Posted September 22, 2006 Posted September 22, 2006 AWESOME post Island Girl! You laid it all out very well. BEG - read her post over and over, everything she said is so very true. Take it from someone who's been there...
whichwayisup Posted September 22, 2006 Posted September 22, 2006 I'm sure nothing further will happen and this situation will blow over soon. He was suppesed to give me a call today and he didn't and I'm already feeling upset and annoyed. Remember what you're feeling right now, because if you don't say NO to him if he kisses you again (not too sure WHO intiated the kiss) and stay away from him you will be 100x more miserable than you are right now. What you're feeling now is probably just a tiny taste of what's coming your way if you have an affair with him. Just ask ALL the OW who post here, they'll tell you. Oh and you are right, he has so much power over you so keep that in mind. It's just WRONG to screw the boss, married or not!
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