Author BlueEyedGirl Posted September 8, 2006 Author Posted September 8, 2006 ""I can use things to my advantage, as in he will continiue to favor me, help me out etc" Well my friend told me that and it does sound good in a sense that it gives me some power. BUT the truth is, I like this guy way too much to use him for anything. This is just my way of trying to talk myself into feeling less than I am really feeling.
consternation Posted September 8, 2006 Posted September 8, 2006 Blue... how old is he? It all sounds really inappropriate you know. I can't imagine myself being interested in a dude from work with 3 kids when I was 24. Some people would see all this as a sexual harassment suit waiting to happen. Wouldn't you rather a younger guy who you can be proud of and who you can do stuff with? I don't get it.
Author BlueEyedGirl Posted September 8, 2006 Author Posted September 8, 2006 He is 35, so not THAT old. His kids are all pretty young.
consternation Posted September 8, 2006 Posted September 8, 2006 I think what you are doing is really wrong. End of discussion. So, no point me commenting further.
Guest Posted September 8, 2006 Posted September 8, 2006 First off, I would tell you to think about it long and hard before you make any kind of advances. When it is found out that you and he are having an affair, and it will be found out, that reputation of his will go straight down the drain as well as you being viewed in a very poor light. Think about his poor wife, her suffering when she will find out about the two of you and the disaster and pain you will be bringing down on his kids. They could end up hating you for breaking up their parents marriage. I urge you to think with your head and not whats in your heart or between your legs. If more women and men would think about the consequences of affairs and what it causes then this board would in all probability not be here.
Author BlueEyedGirl Posted September 8, 2006 Author Posted September 8, 2006 I actually am thinking, that's why I came to this board before anything has happened. I definetly won't be making any advances and in time hopefully my feelings will go away.
Joelle Posted September 8, 2006 Posted September 8, 2006 I have been talking about this to a good friend and she gave me some excellent advice. She said that as long as I don't sleep with him but keep situation as it is (some flirting) I can use things to my advantage, as in he will continiue to favor me, help me out etc. She also said that as soon as I sleep with him he will most likely look for ways to get rid of me and I might lose my job. Actually this makes a lot of sense - and nobody gets hurt. At the risk of being criticized, I would like to admit that your friend's advice is decent. If you can keep your flirting "harmless" and not get emotionally involved with the MM, I think this is an okay course of action. The questions are: Can you keep the flirting harmless? Aren't you already emotionally involved? It seems like you already are.
whichwayisup Posted September 8, 2006 Posted September 8, 2006 She can't do that, she's already falling for him...It isn't "just" hamrless flirting to her. The fact he pays attention to her is only feeding this crush and making it more serious. What SHE can do is, tell him it's inappropriate for him to flirt with her that way, seeing as he's a married man and they work together. She CAN tell him to stop. She can stop flirting with him. These are ALL choices, not "I must" or "have to's" here...
GreenEyedLady Posted September 8, 2006 Posted September 8, 2006 BEG: This is one situation that you really need to think through before you leap, especially since you work together. It could go really badly. I was very close with a colleague. He was my mentor and one of my best friends. I am divorced, although I met him when I was married (he also married). There was always undeniable attraction (not physical). But we never acted on it. Then he got separated from his W (no kids). We met on a platonic level for drinks a couple of times and talked periodically on the phone. We no longer worked together but I still kept in touch with my friends from my old work. After they had separated, his W called me on the phone and accused me of having an affair with him. This was so not the case and I told her so. I knew her and liked her and would never have gotten involved with her H while they were married. However, the last time that I met my friend for Happy Hour, he got a little carried away and pushed VERY hard for sex. I for once, used good judgement and said no. I told him that I knew he wasn't ready for a relationship and I wouldn't just have casual sex with him. I told him when he was ready to date seriously, if I was single that I would love to date him. He even said,"Would you wait for me?" Ok fast forward. I don't see him after that. He gets back together with his W. We all show up at a colleagues wedding shower. His W says that I was maddogging her at the shower (whatever, I wasn't even facing them & I have a man) and that I was sarcastic and rude to her (I said,"Hi so and so. How are you?"). So her H tells the bride, who is my close friend he doesn't want to sit by me at the Wedding because they would be uncomfortable. So, I lose my friend and mentor. And now I can't really do anything with my friends from my old work because HE will be uncomfortable. Just think how I would I feel if I actually slept with him.
No Stress Lady Posted September 9, 2006 Posted September 9, 2006 Excellent post GreenEyedLady - it's always good to hear the views of those who write from experience rather than from the pulpit!!! As Erika says too, "harmless flirting" is a very risky path to tread - l would think very, very hard, Blue Eyed Girl, about trying to manipulate this guy into doing you favours at work - you could find yourself ostracised by your colleagues - and hunting for a new job - a lot quicker than you think. From your posts you don't sound very experienced in relationships or very confident, and you would do a lot better to focus on single guys to build your confidence rather than heading into an emotional sh*tstorm with this guy. You're playing with fire - and you don't sound like you're made of asbestos!!!!!!!!!!!!
silktricks Posted September 9, 2006 Posted September 9, 2006 Why is it that you say in another thread that you would not spend one second with someone who cheats on you, but in this thread are thinking of cheating? Being the OW doesn't make you less of a cheater, you know, and if you think that having an affair with a married man is going to make you feel good, then maybe you'd better re-read what you said in the other thread again.
Joelle Posted September 9, 2006 Posted September 9, 2006 Excellent post GreenEyedLady - it's always good to hear the views of those who write from experience rather than from the pulpit!!! I completely agree.
Author BlueEyedGirl Posted September 9, 2006 Author Posted September 9, 2006 No offense to anyone but I wouldn't perceive myself as cheater if I got involved with him. He would be the one doing the cheating. I don't even have a boyfriend so there is noone to cheat on. His wife and kids are not my responsibility. The only issue here is the way it would affect me. I would get hurt, get my heart broken and possibly lose my job and/or proffesional credibility. That is what's really stopping me. If someone could gurantee me that he is going to be with me, leave his wife and that I won't lose my job, I would get involved with him today. But we all know that has less chance of happening than winning the lottery. Why would I care about hurting others when 99% of people couldn't give a stuff about hurting me. If I have learnt anything in my 25 years it's that the only person I need to look out for is myself. As someone said, I'm definetly not made of azbestos, I'm very vulnerable and easily hurt. I have had many boyfriends, but most of them were pretty short term, so I would put my experience with men in "average" category for my age. My confidence is very low though. There are few wifes posting in this thread I'm sure and being extremly negative. I realize that they are probably putting themselves in the role of wife and thinking about how they would feel if their H was attracted to and was flirting with some younger woman. Frankly this is not about you and has nothing to do with you. I need UNBIASED opinions.
whichwayisup Posted September 9, 2006 Posted September 9, 2006 You ARE helping him cheat by being with him while he's cheating on his wife. YOU are responsible for your own actions, knowing FULL well that he's married and has 3 kids. YOU are parttaking in it, knowing exactly what damage and pain you'll be helping his cause to his wife and kids. Geez, if you ever are going to cheat, f'ing OWN up to your part in the affair, take responsibility for your actions and suffer the consquences. My confidence is very low though. And that is why you're allowing yourself to be sucked into this situation. If you had self respect, self confidence and a good sense of NOT wanting to hurt people, you wouldn't do this. Sorry I'm being harsh on you, but right now you are not thinking clearly. You're so caught up in the good feelings he makes you feel, that you can't see the horrible crash that is going to happen around the corner! If his wife confronts you, are you really going to say to her "Not my fault, I had nothing to do with this...He cheated on you, not me." DO you think she'd feel bad and sorry for you??? Trust me, she'd probably hate you and hope that you would admit your wrong doing and atleast own up to your part in the affair IF it were to ever happen....... But it won't, I hope. Look, you're smarter than you're letting on, so please, take a step back. Talk to your folks about this! Let's hear what your mom and dad have to say about you possibly involving yourself with a MM with 3 kids. DO you think your folks would approve? Be happy for you? Honestly now.......
norajane Posted September 9, 2006 Posted September 9, 2006 I'm not a betrayed wife, so take this as an unbiased opinion: grow up and do it fast or YOU are going to cause yourself more hurt than anyone else ever could. You clearly have no idea how much less self-esteem you'll have if you continue this little flirtation and turn it into something that you will regret for the rest of your life - and make no mistake about it, it will affect ALL your future relationships with men.
Touche Posted September 9, 2006 Posted September 9, 2006 I'm not a betrayed wife either and I've made a LOT of mistakes in my life but thank god, I never made this one. A married man always meant OFF LIMITS to me. I would never want to be a party to hurting innocent kids and hurting another woman for my own pleasure. You have a VERY selfish outlook on life. Good luck...you're SURE going to need it with that ME FIRST attitude. Your life will be a long and rocky one unless you stop thinking in such a selfish way. I wish you all the best and hope you don't make a foolish mistake.
whichwayisup Posted September 9, 2006 Posted September 9, 2006 . If someone could gurantee me that he is going to be with me, leave his wife and that I won't lose my job, I would get involved with him today. I had to read this twice...Must have missed it earlier. NOTHING in life is real guarantee. And another thing, if you do decide (and it IS a choice here) to get involved with him, you'll lose more than your job. You'll lose your self respect, your image, reputation. You'll probably lose afew friends and maybe some family will look at you differently too. I would like you know your thoughts, if possible, on how you would justify your actions to your parents. How do you think they'd react?
silktricks Posted September 9, 2006 Posted September 9, 2006 Frankly this is not about you and has nothing to do with you. I need UNBIASED opinions. Well, I AM a formerly betrayed wife, but this wasn't about me, nor were my comments about me. My comments were about you and your own words on another thread. You obviously have no respect for cheaters, and would (supposedly) never give a cheater a second chance, but you are now wanting to be with a cheater, and be a cheater yourself ('cuz honey, no matter how you slice it, if you're with a married person you ARE a cheater). What you seem to be looking for isn't unbiased opinions, it's opinions that agree with your own biases.
TattooedPrincess Posted September 9, 2006 Posted September 9, 2006 No offense to anyone but I wouldn't perceive myself as cheater if I got involved with him. He would be the one doing the cheating. I don't even have a boyfriend so there is noone to cheat on. His wife and kids are not my responsibility. The only issue here is the way it would affect me. I would get hurt, get my heart broken and possibly lose my job and/or proffesional credibility. That is what's really stopping me. If someone could gurantee me that he is going to be with me, leave his wife and that I won't lose my job, I would get involved with him today. But we all know that has less chance of happening than winning the lottery. Why would I care about hurting others when 99% of people couldn't give a stuff about hurting me. If I have learnt anything in my 25 years it's that the only person I need to look out for is myself. As someone said, I'm definetly not made of azbestos, I'm very vulnerable and easily hurt. I have had many boyfriends, but most of them were pretty short term, so I would put my experience with men in "average" category for my age. My confidence is very low though. There are few wifes posting in this thread I'm sure and being extremly negative. I realize that they are probably putting themselves in the role of wife and thinking about how they would feel if their H was attracted to and was flirting with some younger woman. Frankly this is not about you and has nothing to do with you. I need UNBIASED opinions. So because you are single and available and He is married and flirting with you. Is it fair to say that you think because you are single and you accept his flirting as him being “fair game” ? In other words if he put him self out there to flirt with you it is an open invitation for you to be with him regardless if he is married. Apparently he has made himself available to you.
Author BlueEyedGirl Posted September 9, 2006 Author Posted September 9, 2006 I would like you know your thoughts, if possible, on how you would justify your actions to your parents. How do you think they'd react? My parents...I can't even think about them. They perceive me as a nice girl, one who always did right things, got great marks, finished gradute school, got a good job...They would be completly shocked that I'm even considering this. As I have stated before, I'm not going to pursue this, I'm not going to make advances, I'm not going to up the flirting. I will keep things as they are and see what happens. If he ends up doing something and I feel secure that it would mean to him more than some cheap one night stand - I MIGHT go for it. Because sometimes, no matter what others tell you have to experience things for yourself even if it means getting your heart stomped on.
consternation Posted September 9, 2006 Posted September 9, 2006 Unfortunately its very true that you usually have to experience it yourself. It's just like addiction... every junkie thinks ''nah, it wont happen to me'' when they use the first time. For the record, I am an OW, and I don't believe there is a single wife that has posted on this thread. So don't think you can ignore the opinions posted by saying, oh they are just betrayed wives. Am about to post my own update.
norajane Posted September 9, 2006 Posted September 9, 2006 If he ends up doing something and I feel secure that it would mean to him more than some cheap one night stand - I MIGHT go for it. Because sometimes, no matter what others tell you have to experience things for yourself even if it means getting your heart stomped on. This is the part we're all trying to warn you about. Men who cheat are extremely good at making you believe that you mean something to him, that you're not just a cheap one night stand...hell, they make you believe that they love you and that they're going to leave their wives! You would swear that this MM really means it, that he loves you, that you'll be different from all the other women who have been fooled, but you're not. And by the time you realize that that you really are just the cake he's eating and having too, it's far, far too late for you - you're too deep in love and yes, your heart gets stomped on. Sounds like you're already setting yourself up for that.
whichwayisup Posted September 9, 2006 Posted September 9, 2006 My parents...I can't even think about them. They perceive me as a nice girl, one who always did right things, got great marks, finished gradute school, got a good job...They would be completly shocked that I'm even considering this. As I have stated before, I'm not going to pursue this, I'm not going to make advances, I'm not going to up the flirting. I will keep things as they are and see what happens. If he ends up doing something and I feel secure that it would mean to him more than some cheap one night stand - I MIGHT go for it. Because sometimes, no matter what others tell you have to experience things for yourself even if it means getting your heart stomped on. Well, there is your ammo NOT to do this. Your parents would be ashamed of you... K, you're not pursuing him, then it's time for you to STOP thinking about him in a sexual way. Stop your feelings for him. IT is possible and you are stronger than you think! Don't let those emotions rule you! Is he worth a little fling? Is he worth all that pain? You'll never 'have' him in the way you want - So even though most have to experience things their own way, maybe what I'm trying to do, as well as others, is prevent you from making the worst mistake in your life. It's something you can never take back, you'll have to live with for the rest of your life.
Courtney75 Posted September 21, 2006 Posted September 21, 2006 If he ends up doing something and I feel secure that it would mean to him more than some cheap one night stand - I MIGHT go for it. Because sometimes, no matter what others tell you have to experience things for yourself even if it means getting your heart stomped on. Don't do it, girl. Married men will break your heart and he is soooo not worth it. First of all, it probably would be nothing more than sex to him. Unfortunately, men are very shallow in this area. Having a young pretty woman flirt with them is a huge ego boost. It's titillating and exciting. Extramarital sex provides temporary excitement too, but that certainly doesn't mean he is just going to throw his wife and family away to be with you. Men can easily have sex without feeling emotional ties. Women, on the other hand, cannot do this without getting hurt if it's someone they care about. And from your posts, it sounds like you are head over heels for this guy! I think you're reading too much into his behavior. You see hearts, and get butterflies in your stomach every time you see him. He probably sees nothing more than a pretty woman to flirt with for a "giggle". I would be willing to bet that he has no intention of divorcing his wife, and that he probably has a solid relationship with her. I also think this is a really bad idea not only because he's married, but because you work together. Think about it...Your professionalism is already compromised because you're flirting with each other regularly. I hate to tell you this, but people in your office probably notice your body language around each other. That's enough to get the rumors rolling, which can put your job in jeopardy. If you do sleep with him, it will be a million times worse. He won't lose his job, you'll lose your job. It's always the "other woman" who loses her job in these instances. Also, how are you going to feel when he shows up at a company event or something(such as the office Xmas party?) with his wife? I don't know about you, but that would just about do me in. Very heartbreaking! Please think twice about this, and whatever you do, don't allow it to happen. I know you are pretty lovesick over him, but you've got to let go. You are so young, and there are so many other fish in the sea (who are available to date you!). You will find someone who is right for you! Don't settle for a dysfunctional relationship with a married man.
Author BlueEyedGirl Posted September 21, 2006 Author Posted September 21, 2006 Courtney75, Thanks, I needed that. There was a little near kiss incident last week with him, but I ended up pulling away. It did mess with my head though and I kept replaying things over and over. I do realize that he probably finds me fun and exciting for a bit of flirting in the office (maybe even to sleep with once or twice) but at the end of the day he goes home and forgets that I even exist. That's all there is to it. I also saw some pictures of him and the kids on the company website (they were taken a year ago). He just looks so happy there and the kids are sooooo cute, that just about killed it for me. To be honest I'm dreading office xmass party and seeing his wife there. Especially because I'm single and I will have to go there alone. I'm dreading this so much that I will probably give it a miss, unless I find a boyfriend to take with me.
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