Baileykeg Posted September 7, 2006 Posted September 7, 2006 I'm desperate for advice here. The short version of my very long story is that I've been dating my MM for 9 months now. He's been separated from his W the entire time and had been separated for 8 months prior to our involvement. We went to school together and have know each other for 20 years. He moved to another state when he separated. He moved back about three months ago and now lives in the same state as me although different cities. He says he loves me, wants a future with me, wants children, etc. He claims that while he was living in the other state it was easy for him to just not deal with his W and the divorce. Now that he's moved back he says he has talked with her and they both agreed that divorce is the best thing. He's been going to a counselor for two months to deal with all of his issues of guilt over ending the marriage, the marriage failing, etc. He and I decided to go NC for a while to help him clear his head and deal with ending his marriage. After a couple of weeks he returned to me and said he was clear that he wanted me and all the things we've talked about for the future. He said he wanted to file for divorce and put things behind him. He said he was going to file in a few days. Well...big shock...a few days came and went and no filing! I asked him about it and he said that his W called and begged him not to file yet. He agreed and said that he was going to talk to her again about how this was best for them. He says he still wants to file and wants to be with me. We spoke last night and I asked if he spoke with her. He said he had and that they had decided to try not talking for a couple of weeks and then talk about filing then. I blew up at him and told him that I couldn't deal with this anymore. This is our first fight. I told him that I wanted to be able to believe all the things he said to me when he returned from our NC. He said all that was still true and he wanted a divorce. It was just that ending the marriage was hard because he loves her and doesn't want her to be hurt. I just don't know what to do anymore. I yelled at him about how I didn't want to play this game anymore and how I didn't understand how a couple more weeks was going to make any difference if they both had already agreed that divorce was the best thing. Is he just playing me? I've know him for so long that I really believe that is not the case. I believe that he loves me and that his marriage is over. So, why then is he still hanging on to someone he doesn't live with, hasn't lived with in almost two years, hasn't slept with in over 3 years and now isn't financially responsible for anymore since she is now paying all of her own bills??? I was so angry with him last night on the phone that I ended up just saying that I couldn't do this anymore and then I hung up. I hate that things have ended on such a nasty note. I'm so troubled by wondering why...if we were doing NC and he wanted to be with his W then why did he come back to me and tell me I was the one he wanted to be with? He had an out to be with her and yet he chose to come back to me. I want so much to pick up the phone right now and hear his voice. To find another way to hang on and get through until he really is ready to file like he says he wants. Am I crazy? If he loves her then why isn't he with her? Before some of you say well maybe he is spending time with her and I just don't know it....I think you are wrong. He and I spend every weekend together and talk on the phone 7-8 times a day every day. Our calls start very early in the morning and we have one at night before we go to sleep. I don't see how he'd have time to be staying with her if that were the case. I've asked him if he's seen her and he says no. I don't think I am being naieve in believing that they aren't together. I need help here. It's killing me for things to have been left hanging with us on such a nasty note. I want for him to do what he says he wants and file for divorce. Is he going to? What do I do now? Please respond with your thoughts and adivce. I'm really struggling....
reneet Posted September 7, 2006 Posted September 7, 2006 I'm desperate for advice here. The short version of my very long story is that I've been dating my MM for 9 months now. He's been separated from his W the entire time and had been separated for 8 months prior to our involvement. We went to school together and have know each other for 20 years. He moved to another state when he separated. He moved back about three months ago and now lives in the same state as me although different cities. He says he loves me, wants a future with me, wants children, etc. He claims that while he was living in the other state it was easy for him to just not deal with his W and the divorce. Now that he's moved back he says he has talked with her and they both agreed that divorce is the best thing. He's been going to a counselor for two months to deal with all of his issues of guilt over ending the marriage, the marriage failing, etc. He and I decided to go NC for a while to help him clear his head and deal with ending his marriage. After a couple of weeks he returned to me and said he was clear that he wanted me and all the things we've talked about for the future. He said he wanted to file for divorce and put things behind him. He said he was going to file in a few days. Well...big shock...a few days came and went and no filing! I asked him about it and he said that his W called and begged him not to file yet. He agreed and said that he was going to talk to her again about how this was best for them. He says he still wants to file and wants to be with me. We spoke last night and I asked if he spoke with her. He said he had and that they had decided to try not talking for a couple of weeks and then talk about filing then. I blew up at him and told him that I couldn't deal with this anymore. This is our first fight. I told him that I wanted to be able to believe all the things he said to me when he returned from our NC. He said all that was still true and he wanted a divorce. It was just that ending the marriage was hard because he loves her and doesn't want her to be hurt. I just don't know what to do anymore. I yelled at him about how I didn't want to play this game anymore and how I didn't understand how a couple more weeks was going to make any difference if they both had already agreed that divorce was the best thing. Is he just playing me? I've know him for so long that I really believe that is not the case. I believe that he loves me and that his marriage is over. So, why then is he still hanging on to someone he doesn't live with, hasn't lived with in almost two years, hasn't slept with in over 3 years and now isn't financially responsible for anymore since she is now paying all of her own bills??? I was so angry with him last night on the phone that I ended up just saying that I couldn't do this anymore and then I hung up. I hate that things have ended on such a nasty note. I'm so troubled by wondering why...if we were doing NC and he wanted to be with his W then why did he come back to me and tell me I was the one he wanted to be with? He had an out to be with her and yet he chose to come back to me. I want so much to pick up the phone right now and hear his voice. To find another way to hang on and get through until he really is ready to file like he says he wants. Am I crazy? If he loves her then why isn't he with her? Before some of you say well maybe he is spending time with her and I just don't know it....I think you are wrong. He and I spend every weekend together and talk on the phone 7-8 times a day every day. Our calls start very early in the morning and we have one at night before we go to sleep. I don't see how he'd have time to be staying with her if that were the case. I've asked him if he's seen her and he says no. I don't think I am being naieve in believing that they aren't together. I need help here. It's killing me for things to have been left hanging with us on such a nasty note. I want for him to do what he says he wants and file for divorce. Is he going to? What do I do now? Please respond with your thoughts and adivce. I'm really struggling.... Keep up with the no contact deal. But give yourself/him a deadline. He needs to make his decision by YOUR deadline date. Just hang in there a little longer.
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