What's the most tactful way?

[fishtaco]

I met this woman awhile back, went on dates. I was pushing to explore the possibility of dating. She shut me down. So I figure we'll just be friends, and never made another move toward her again. Six months into the platonic friendship, she started to come after me. Things are getting more hot and heavy now, I'm sure the next time we hang out we'll probably end up having sex. But, I'm not interested in dating her anymore; I've moved on (I'm still single, but I have other women that I'm working on now).

 

I've never had sex with her, otherwise this would just be old news and no big deal. But I don't want to have sex with her, and then afterwards go... um... yeah, just kidding, I don't want to date you anymore. Yes, this is my nice guy past coming back to haunt me, unfortunately I rather be clear and honest and lose a scoring chance than to just go with the flow and pad my number of conquers (although technically she's coming after me, so it's her job to figure out what's happening before giving it up). Is there a pill I can take to get rid of this residual nice guy-ness?

 

Anyway, now the question. How do I approach her about this? I'm willing to go as far as she's comfortable with. We can go back to friends, we can non exclusively date and kiss and hold hands but no sex, or we can be friends with benefits. I won't go exclusive, anything short of that, her choice. I don't know how to tell her this without either sounding like I'm just trying to bang her, or scare her into backing off into the friend thing. I just want her natural response. And how do I bring this up? Obviously I want to have this talk before we have sex, but I mean I can't just stop in the middle of a french kiss, pull my tongue back out, and go "Hey, by the way...".

 

Thanks.

[Adunaphel]

I can't just stop in the middle of a french kiss, pull my tongue back out, and go "Hey, by the way...".

 

Tell her before you even start kissing at all.

 

Why don't you call her right now, tell her on the phone and offer to meet her to talk about it in person.

 

She is probably going to be hurt anyway, but the nicest thing you can do is being honest, very clear about it and not waiting until the next date to tell her.

 

If a guy wanted to tell me such a thing and waited until the next date,

 

basically allowing me to daydream about the date, to go out of my way to look expecially sexy on that date, to get into a "I'm going to have sex with him" mood just to get a "I don't want to be exclusive" talk (possibly in the middle of a kissing session),

 

I'd get hurt more, I'd get very mad at him and I'd be posting here on loveshack something like "couldn't he tell me *before*? what an insensitive jerk".

 

And keep sticking to your nice guy past. You are doing the right thing! :)

[fishtaco]

That's an excellent point, you are absolutely right, I should call her and talk about this before the date, and I will. In fact, now I feel kind of stupid for not realizing this earlier, since some psycho bitch did similar thing to me a year ago (except worse... we were in the middle of vacationing together, talk about twisting the knife), needless to say I was pissed, and will not trust my own judgement of women ever again.

 

Being a reformed nice guy (but with relapses) have certainly helped me become more successful with women; so I'll be damned if I go back. But I will try to be considerate.

 

Thanks!

[bosheme]

No offense intended but you are still a nice guy... otherwise you would be asking for advice on how to get rid of her after you had sex. I for one would like to thank you for not letting go of the nice guy attitude totally... women can only date so many jerls before they realize that the nice guys are the real catch. It's always bonus if you can find a nice guy with a backbone though... so instead of focusing on being a nice or not so nice guy, focus on the backbone. Believe it or not standing up for yourself is sexy enough to cover up the whole god boy/bad boy game.

 

I know I married a confirmed jerk who is actually a really nice guy, he just doesn't let me or anyone else walk all over him. I never get bored because he never lets me and I've got one or two nice guys in my past... Now that I am getting older I really do appreciate what they were trying to offer me, I just couldn't get it back then.

 

So thanks for being a nice guy, and congrats on the backbone!

[fishtaco]

Update...

 

Well I followed the advice given here on LS, and I talked to her. She laughed when I brought it up, since it turned out it was kind of early for that talk; she was just being spontaneous, and really hadn't put thought into it yet (although she is looking for a boyfriend and is open to the possibility of me taking that position). But I guess these kind of things it's better to be too early than too late. If I had the exact same talk except after sex, it would probably come off differently.

 

We're still friends, no hard feelings (of course not, I was being nice), but I'm sure it changed the dynamics of what's between us; i.e. chances of me getting any has been reduced to zero. I guess I'll find out the next time I hang out with her.

 

I guess I did the right thing, but somehow I'm not jumping for joy and celebrating my victory. Maybe I'm building good karma, but it certainly hasn't kicked in, since my date for this Friday (different woman) seems to be doing a disappearing act on me. Oh well, time to hit up on the next batch of women.