Wife promises change, never happens

September 7, 2006

My wife and I have been married for 20 years. We have 2 lovely kids 5 and 11. We never have had a great sex life but now it is non-existent. Once a month if I'm lucky. I have brought this up that my needs are not being met, she is always tired. She says she will try to change but the yawning continues. I still lover her but am feeling like I'm wasting the best years of my life, I'm now 44. I've told here that I end up masterbating, she doesn't seem to care or make any effort to change the frequency of our sex life. I've talked about counseling to here, here reply "you make the appointment but I'm not talking about sex to anyone".

I'm considering leaving be worried about the kids. I don't want to put them through a divorce. So, what do I do, The woman has no sex drive, it's completely gone.

September 7, 2006

It could be hormonal or thyroid perhaps? Has she had those checked??

How old are the children?? Do you help around the house? Does she work outside the house??

Do you make the effort to treat her like you did before you were married?? Often times women will shut down sexually when they feel that their husband is only treating them as a sex object or not making an effort to make them feel special.

Perhaps if you'll answer these questions then we can have some better advise for you?

September 7, 2006

Oh man .. I have been there. I don't know the solution. My wife was the exact same way. She was always too tired and couldn't figure out why I was such a sex obesessed maniac - wanting sex more than once every 4 weeks.

My wife would promise to change, just like yours does and nothing would happen. Let me guess .. sex probably is in the missionary position only and lasts all of 2 minutes, right?

And the best part is - you'll get blamed for her being this way. I went and had affairs - twice in order to get my needs met. Ultimately it was satisfying for a short time, but was not a good solution. It was too stressful and the potential for causing harm to the wife you love is too great. And trust me - the fact that you were living the life of a celibate Franciscan monk will fall on deaf ears to all who listen.

My wife and I have been married for 20 years. We have 2 lovely kids 5 and 11. We never have had a great sex life but now it is non-existent. Once a month if I'm lucky. I have brought this up that my needs are not being met, she is always tired. She says she will try to change but the yawning continues. I still lover her but am feeling like I'm wasting the best years of my life, I'm now 44. I've told here that I end up masterbating, she doesn't seem to care or make any effort to change the frequency of our sex life. I've talked about counseling to here, here reply "you make the appointment but I'm not talking about sex to anyone".

I'm considering leaving be worried about the kids. I don't want to put them through a divorce. So, what do I do, The woman has no sex drive, it's completely gone.

September 7, 2006

Marriage kills sex drive. Always has.

And, undoubtedly you're about to hear from a lot of women on this site who will blame you. "You're not meeting her emotional needs" and "Treat her like you treated her when you were dating" and other such nonsense.

Point is, it takes the commitment of both parties to maintain and strenghten intimacy, and from what you've written here, it seems that she's just not interested anymore.

Is it a deal-breaker for you? Are you willing to accept involuntary celibacy for the rest of your married life?

By the way, the best present you can give kids is to have serene, healthy parents. That won't happen if your wife continues to refuse you. So ask yourself: Would you and her be happier if you split?

September 7, 2006

And, undoubtedly you're about to hear from a lot of women on this site who will blame you. "You're not meeting her emotional needs" and "Treat her like you treated her when you were dating" and other such nonsense.

First off.....I'm not a women, and secondly....it's not nonsense.

It's the truth. May not be emotional needs that your wife is lacking from you.....could be just about anything.

That is your goal......to find out what it is, and then make changes in YOU......before long, you WILL see results.

Been there.....done that!!

September 7, 2006

Here we go ..

Translation:

"Do things to please her. Since she won't say what she wants nor what's bothering her, you must try guessing. Do many nice things for her and see how she reacts. If she frowns or twiches her nose, then you know you need to try harder"

That was basically my life for 8 years .. and NO I did NOT see results.

First off.....I'm not a women, and secondly....it's not nonsense.

It's the truth. May not be emotional needs that your wife is lacking from you.....could be just about anything.

That is your goal......to find out what it is, and then make changes in YOU......before long, you WILL see results.

Been there.....done that!!

September 7, 2006

Do things to please her.

Every husband should already be doing this.

Since she won't say what she wants nor what's bothering her, you must try guessing.

This is nonsense. You simply ask her. I've never known a woman who wasn't able to tell someone how she feels......ever.

Even if she won't tell you, then, you expirement, read books, seek outside help. You don't just GUESS.

That was basically my life for 8 years .. and NO I did NOT see results.

I'm sorry to hear that. In your mind, you probably don't know what you could've done differently either.

Your case could be entirely different from the OP.

September 7, 2006

Been there, done that. Was the super-romantic husband, made the money, bought the flowers, went away with her on romantic weekends, took care of the house, the whole schmear.

Didn't make a damn bit of difference.

After six years of it, I gave up. We got divorced. And I made a pledge to myself: I will never, ever put myself in the position of being played for a sucker again.

September 7, 2006

Him: <getting frisky>

Her: "Oh God - you don't want sex now, do you?"

Him: "Um .. well yes, I mean .."

Her: "Look - I'm tired!"

[A minute of silence while she continues reading her magazine]

Him: "What's the matter? It's been over 3 weeks? Is there something wrong?"

Her: <Rolling her eyes> "No .. I'm just tired. I had to teach 2 classes this morning, I had to wake up at 6 AM, then I picked up the kids from school, then I had to meet so and so for coffee at Starbucks, and I've been driving all day and I just want to relax. OK? And besides - it hasn't been 3 weeks. You always exaggerate."

Him: "It has been at least three weeks ..! Is there anything we can do?"

Her: "Yes, I want to get away from this house. Let's go to the Ritz and get a suite overnight. We can have wild sex there!"

Him: "Great - I'll book it for this weekend!"

Her: "No - not this weekend, we're having the Joneses over for dinner, remember? I told you last week! You never listen to me!"

Him: "Ok .. how about the week after?"

Her: "No - I have a Pilates seminar to go to- I told you, and the week after we have that thing at the Smiths' house,. I bet you forgot , too. Maybe in October we can do it".

Him: "I see .."

Her: "Anyway, I have to go to bed now - goodnight"

Him: "Honey, this just isn't going to work .."

Her: "I'm too tired - can we talk about it tomorrow?"

That was the usual conversation at my home.

Every husband should already be doing this.This is nonsense. You simply ask her. I've never known a woman who wasn't able to tell someone how she feels......ever.

Even if she won't tell you, then, you expirement, read books, seek outside help. You don't just GUESS.I'm sorry to hear that. In your mind, you probably don't know what you could've done differently either.

Your case could be entirely different from the OP.

September 7, 2006

you: honey, as much as i love you i'm willing to leave you and never talk to you again. i have no interest in spending the rest of my life in a sexless marriage. if that's what you have in mind, come up with another plan. if you wish you could but are too tired, stop doing whatever makes you too tired. cancel the starbucks meeting and f*ck me. cancel the jones dinner and f*ck me. cancel the seminar and f*ck me. or, go f*ck yourself, because i'm not going to live like this. i get one shot at life and i'm going to enjoy it, with, or without you. i hope you decide it's with you but i can't make that decision for you.

September 7, 2006

Do you guys go on date night? Get the kids a sitter. Have a sleepover at the grandparents . Do you compliment her?Tell her she is beautiful? Do you kiss and hold her touch her many times daily without expecting sex? Do you listen to her? Do you guys talk like before you had kids? Do you have any hobies you share? Are you actively interested in her life?

Do you do things together on a regular basis just as a couple? How about division of labor? Are your schedules the same? That is my biggest problem my BF & I have different schedules. go to sleep an hour earlier or wake up earlier. To mke time for each other. Do you relate as a couple anymore or just as parents.

This is to the op and hard2think.

September 7, 2006

So, what do I do, The woman has no sex drive, it's completely gone.

tell her you going to go outside the marriage for sex. this may include prostitutes or a girlfriend or something like that. and tell her that divorce may also be an option too.

September 7, 2006

before the flames start getting any higher over whether his wife is being evil or what, ask your wife to get a physical to rule out health issues. Chronic illness, depression, pre-menopause ... all those things are capable of helping decrease a woman's libido. Stress can be a killer, too.

I don't think most people realize that marriage doesn't equal constant access to the act of physical love, because they don't understand how even the smallest thing can affect desire. As hard as it is for some of us to think this, sex is not the be-all, end-all of a marriage (unless your goal is to merely spit out babies). There are times when an otherwise healthy marriage is going to face dry spells, and that's when you learn to become creative in your loving.

DP, my problem is opposite of yours: my husband is 13 years older, not in great health and has a very diminished sex drive. If I'm lucky, I get laid on my birthday. Once in a great while, I can surprise him into having sex, but usually it's a once a year event. If I'm lucky. I've tried talking to him, I've whined about it, I've begged, everything ... but to no avail. He's talked to his doctors, who have given him prescriptions to help Mr. Happy do his job, but how good is that when there's no sex drive behind it?

by this point, I've had a long time to rethink the issue, and it occurs to me that even though I'm not getting "it" as often as I like (and remember, I'm in my sexual prime), I'm not being totally cut off from the loving affection that I like. He holds my hand. He snuggles. He kisses. Hell, he even gives passionate kisses. It doesn't make up for the lack of sex, but it's gone a long way toward helping me feel wanted, which is really what this all boils down to.

I know this is difficult, and you feel that you've sacrificed more than she has, but honey, you've got to give a good hard re-think about the situation. The less uptight you are about getting laid, the less pressure she feels to perform, and eventually, she's going to want to reconnect with you that way. Maybe not right away, but the absence of pressure will make a big difference to her.

just my thoughts,

q

September 7, 2006

I never actually thought about those things ..! Wow! In the whole 8 years I've been trying to find a solution - i just never thought of that!

You see, I usually take a few hits from the ole crackpipe just to keep me from passing out from my completely drunken stupor. Hell, sometimes I'm almost sober enough to cough up a few of my rotting teeth into the sink as I wash my stubble before stumbling over to the bed and tearing off my grease-stained Harley shirt, throwing my welfare check on the milk crates in the bedroom and yelling 'let's get the freak on!".

Maybe I need to change my ways ..

Do you guys go on date night? Get the kids a sitter. Have a sleepover at the grandparents . Do you compliment her?Tell her she is beautiful? Do you kiss and hold her touch her many times daily without expecting sex? Do you listen to her? Do you guys talk like before you had kids? Do you have any hobies you share? Are you actively interested in her life?

Do you do things together on a regular basis just as a couple? How about division of labor? Are your schedules the same? That is my biggest problem my BF & I have different schedules. go to sleep an hour earlier or wake up earlier. To mke time for each other. Do you relate as a couple anymore or just as parents.

This is to the op and hard2think.

September 7, 2006

... sex is not the be-all, end-all of a marriage

Yes, that's true.

It's also true that continued sexual rejection (by either partner) is tantamount to a complete rejection of them as a person and a rejection of the relationship.

For a man to be rejected by his woman consistently, soon enough he'll perceive it in the same way that a woman would take it if her husband said to her, "You're fat, you're ugly, I don't want anything to do with you anymore so just go away."

Yes, it hurts that much.

September 7, 2006

Exactly ..!

Yes, that's true.

It's also true that continued sexual rejection (by either partner) is tantamount to a complete rejection of them as a person and a rejection of the relationship.

For a man to be rejected by his woman consistently, soon enough he'll perceive it in the same way that a woman would take it if her husband said to her, "You're fat, you're ugly, I don't want anything to do with you anymore so just go away."

Yes, it hurts that much.

September 7, 2006

It's also true that continued sexual rejection (by either partner) is tantamount to a complete rejection of them as a person and a rejection of the relationship.

well apparently his wife has unilaterally put an embargo on the sexual activity. So he should then unilaterally go out and find some sexual activity with someone else.

September 7, 2006

I did just that. Trust me when I tell you that suddenly the sex is all important and it'll be your fault no matter WHAT led you to the affair. Don't it unless you're willing to divorce once she finds out.

well apparently his wife has unilaterally put an embargo on the sexual activity. So he should then unilaterally go out and find some sexual activity with someone else.

September 7, 2006

It's also true that continued sexual rejection (by either partner) is tantamount to a complete rejection of them as a person and a rejection of the relationship. For a man to be rejected by his woman consistently, soon enough he'll perceive it in the same way that a woman would take it if her husband said to her, "You're fat, you're ugly, I don't want anything to do with you anymore so just go away." Yes, it hurts that much.

I know it does. Been here, done that. Every damned time I'm told "we'll see" is like a stab in the heart and I wonder what it is about me that he won't attempt mattress dancing.

BUT I think how you convey your love in other ways that let your partner know that you are still desired even if the plumbing isn't working is what makes a difference in those marriages that work through the issue. Think of those old couples who are physically unable to get it on, but still are in love with each other – that tells me it's more than just about sex, that they've invested a lot of time in making each other feel loved and wanted, period.

September 7, 2006

There's a world of difference between not having sex because you medically are unable and not having sex because you don't want to - even if you can.

It's also true that continued sexual rejection (by either partner) is tantamount to a complete rejection of them as a person and a rejection of the relationship. For a man to be rejected by his woman consistently, soon enough he'll perceive it in the same way that a woman would take it if her husband said to her, "You're fat, you're ugly, I don't want anything to do with you anymore so just go away." Yes, it hurts that much.

I know it does. Been here, done that. Every damned time I'm told "we'll see" is like a stab in the heart and I wonder what it is about me that he won't attempt mattress dancing.

BUT I think how you convey your love in other ways that let your partner know that you are still desired even if the plumbing isn't working is what makes a difference in those marriages that work through the issue. Think of those old couples who are physically unable to get it on, but still are in love with each other – that tells me it's more than just about sex, that they've invested a lot of time in making each other feel loved and wanted, period.

September 7, 2006

I never actually thought about those things ..! Wow! In the whole 8 years I've been trying to find a solution - i just never thought of that!

You see, I usually take a few hits from the ole crackpipe just to keep me from passing out from my completely drunken stupor. Hell, sometimes I'm almost sober enough to cough up a few of my rotting teeth into the sink as I wash my stubble before stumbling over to the bed and tearing off my grease-stained Harley shirt, throwing my welfare check on the milk crates in the bedroom and yelling 'let's get the freak on!".

Maybe I need to change my ways ..

What the He!!. I was just coming up with some suggestion for the OP and maybe you as well. No need to be a sarcastic about things. Also from your posts it sounded to me like your wife and you didn't get much couple time. Alone just the two of you. But whatever.

September 7, 2006

Don't it unless you're willing to divorce once she finds out.

Who said anything about keeping it secret??

September 7, 2006

you: honey, as much as i love you i'm willing to leave you and never talk to you again. i have no interest in spending the rest of my life in a sexless marriage. if that's what you have in mind, come up with another plan. if you wish you could but are too tired, stop doing whatever makes you too tired. cancel the starbucks meeting and f*ck me. cancel the jones dinner and f*ck me. cancel the seminar and f*ck me. or, go f*ck yourself, because i'm not going to live like this. i get one shot at life and i'm going to enjoy it, with, or without you. i hope you decide it's with you but i can't make that decision for you.

:lmao:

BRAVO BRAVO BRAVO!!!

At this point in my life I feel the same damn way about everything.

If you make them aware there is a problem, if you attempt to resolve it, and if they then refuse to work with you...... F*ck em!

September 7, 2006

I would suggest to the OP that he use the LS search tool (advanced search) and read some other threads on this topic. Try words like "female libido", and you'll come up with quite a few threads.

This is a common problem among married couples, so it's discussed here at LS frequently. Hopefully, you'll find one or two where you'll get ideas and opinion without the some of the bitterness and hostility that's been expressed here on YOUR thread by some of our more frustrated members.

September 7, 2006

There's a world of difference between not having sex because you medically are unable and not having sex because you don't want to - even if you can.

when the end results – and feelings – are the same, the difference ceases to exist. No sex is no sex is no sex, the difference is whether there's a warm, loving environment that helps cultivate an environment where you are able to look for solutions without freaking out.

just my 2 cents

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