first breakup, eight months later...

[bluescreenlife]

where to begin...

 

we met in school and five months later I graduated... we did the long distance thing for a while and I (you don't need to point out how dumb this was) agreed to have an open relationship with her. she fooled around with another guy and soon afterward she broke up with me, and shortly after started up with him. i felt really betrayed and low on self-worth... in retrospect she asked for an open thing when what she really wanted was a breakup, but I guess she wanted to spare my feelings or make sure she had a backup so she wouldn't have to be single.

 

we kept in touch afterward, she said she wanted to be friends, but she started being really hard and cold with me, trying to kill her feelings for me and focus on her new man. I took the punishment because on an emotional level I thought it would be easier than letting her go... and I tried not to strike back because I still loved her and didn't want to hurt her, even though she was still hurting me.

 

the last time we met I said some pretty bitter things that I had held in before, and she emailed me later saying i had crossed some lines and she didn't think a friendship would be healthy for either of us... I agreed and told her I wouldn't contact her again. but it's effing hard! I still miss her a lot and want to get in touch with her. She was my first for everything and over eight months later I still think about her all the time and get emotional pretty regularly.

 

am I right to sever all contact? part of me still thinks she could help me, if she would just apologize for some of the awful things she said, or give me some much-needed affirmation... i think I have some issues with feeling unlovable and it's like she confirmed that idea, which feels awful, and even though I know it's b.s. I still find myself thinking negatively all the time. all i have to look back on as far as love goes is this one ugly breakup, and thinking of the good times just makes me feel sadder.

 

should I look for someone else to make me feel loved again? I'm working on building my social network & seeking therapy, but should that be done before I date anyone? or can it be done after?

 

sorry this post is so long, any insight is appreciated...

[bluescreenlife]

Hi everyone!

 

thanks for the forum - I come here sometimes when I'm feeling upset and it helps. I hope everyone's doing well.

 

as for me I'm still having ups and downs, trying to find closure, trying not to look negatively at the whole experience. I still think about it a lot, and it's really hard to accept the way it ended. Does anyone think it would help to make contact again?

 

Part of me thinks that having some nice normal conversation would make the whole thing feel less dramatic and full of suffering. But i'm also afraid she's going to disrespect my boundaries and say something else that'll make me resent her and look down on love.

 

does anyone have any thoughts about the email below?

 

 

hi ____.

 

I know you didn't expect another email from me, or maybe you're not surprised, but here it is either way. listen... I'm not happy with the way we left things. I want to be your friend again, or at least have some nice and normal conversation. I hope you still feel the same way.

 

I don't want to talk about the past anymore, I'm ready to move forward now. I'd like for our story to have a happier ending than the one it did (don't you?) so maybe we can chat a little and get to know each other again. it might be awkward at first but I think it could be fun and good for both of us.

 

if you're interested (and please respect that I'm taking a risk by asking you this; if you're not into it, be gentle) you can add me over msn. It should be easy enough for both of us to check what we say that way. I understand you might still be angry about our last meeting, but I hope you've accepted my apology and my promise not to speak that way again.

 

please also be careful what you say, you know how sensitive I can be. I know you had to think negatively about me at one point, it's part of getting over someone and I don't blame you, but if you're not ready to be nice and nothing but with each other, don't accept this offer. I understand that our relationship had some pretty major flaws, but please respect it as it's been the best I've had. Please also know that talking about Roy brings up past hurts and makes me feel alone, so I'd rather not hear about it. You don't have to emphasize that our relationship is capital-O-over; I know.

 

I'm finding new directions for my life right now (been a little lost since I left full-time school, but I'm turning that around and it feels great) and I'd like for part of that to be making amends with you. If you think you can be kind and supportive in exchange for the same from me, I'll see you on msn. Otherwise, let's continue this clean break and let the future bring what it may.

 

respect,

____.

[D-Lish]

Don't think it's a good idea to contact her.

You seem to have made some progress since the break. This may cause a setback if you don't get the response you are seeking.

 

She "kinda-sorta" broke up with you by dangling the open relationship angle, then went on to another man. I would have said mean and bitter things too. I think you had a right to be angry and hurt. But she turned it around and made you feel guilty. That's a little unfair, even manipulative don't you think?

 

It doesn't sound to me that she deserves contact from you.

It hurts like crazy I'm sure... but I wouldn't send her anything.

Honestly? I kinda don't like the wording in your letter. You seem to overplay how good you're doing, but you're still putting up the red flags with the "being sensitive" to harshness from her. So you're in essence admitting how much of a hold she still has on you, and that negates the "I'm doing really well without you" statement.

 

Does that make sense?

 

I wouldn't contact her. But if you feel you have to. I'd keep it short, and maybe say you didn't like the way things ended, and wish her the best, say you've got your sh&t together (don't overplay it or it will come off as trying too hard) and no hard feelings. BUT, as I said, I don't think it's a good idea.

 

It probably won't bring her back- but you have to do what makes you feel better.

 

Good luck,

D

[bluescreenlife]

You know what, you just made me realize how much it might help to see a counsellor. I have a tendency to be way too forgiving with her and sometimes I need a reality check. But I can also see that resenting her is another way to be trapped in an ex-focused headspace that's really my biggest problem, and I really just need to keep building my life back up and stop caring about her.

 

still the idealist in me wants to leave things on some kind of good note, and maybe to hear her apologize and express some sort of gratitude for the role I played in her life. I feel like I was the guy who got her to feel confident and trust men again... and I also feel like that was the only reason she cared for me, like I was just a stepping stone. she made some very personal criticisms at one point that are hard to forget and undermine my confidence when it comes to meeting someone new.

 

all in all my first experience of real romance was a real mess, and I have to keep telling myself that every woman and every relationship is different and it doesn't have to be this bad. I realize in retrospect how unhealthy our relationship was: our best qualities were opposites, and we'd either feel guilty for outshining the other or inadequate by comparison, either way bringing each other down. There was lots of cuddling and sex but not much communication or real understanding. I know I'd be better off with someone else than with her, and I still feel attached but I'm not looking to win her back. It's becoming more and more clear to me that she hasn't been treating me like a friend, and dating someone who's that much of a taker isn't what I'm looking for.

 

I'm just trying not to be made bitter by a bad first impression. and to gain some control over these obsessive thoughts and overpowering emotions. I appreciate your input, it helps me put this into context and that's difficult for a first experience. Hopefully I'll be able to close the book on this whole story soon and move on...

[D-Lish]

You will move on. When you're ready.

Seeing a counsellor is never a bad idea. They can help you put the focus on what's important, put things into a perspective that is hard for us to do on our own.

 

You're quite articulate and insightful though.

 

I guess I just looked at your post and thought "why is this guy wanting to be so nice to someone that wasn't all that fair to him?"

Of course you'd want an apology and a little closure.

 

Sometimes a "fight" has to happen for things to come to an end. I bet it certainly helped to pacify her guilt. That way, the last thing she can remember is that you were "mean".... and so she can justify in her own mind her treating you unfairly. She turned her guilt and threw it at you.

It just seems like the situation was manipulated by her to appease her own guilty feelings. She didn't think about how that would affect you.

 

You didn't do anything wrong by getting pissed off.

 

Sometimes we have to make our own closure- I had to.

 

And you're right, not all relationships are the same. There are people out there who will fullfill you, support you, and respect you.

 

You're going to be okay. She doesn't deserve to know she still has a hold on you. That can be our little secret here on this forum;)

 

D

[bluescreenlife]

You know I think you're right that she was looking for trouble... the last time we met she made a point of telling me she was moving in with her new bf. A week before we broke up she was gushing about moving in with me, so she must have known that would hurt. I told her I wanted to be happy for her but I needed to be happy for me first. She said she didn't want me to be happy for her; so why then did she feel compelled to tell me that out of the blue?

 

I made some pretty clear and calm points about how she messed up, and I let her see how much pain she caused me and how bitter I was about her new relationship. I stopped shielding her from the consequences of her actions and it must have been a shock. I don't think I was overly mean and at least I didn't make personal attacks like she did... and considering the way she treated me, guilt is not something for me to waste my time on.

 

There are a lot of lessons I'm trying to pull out of all this... the biggest thing being to stand up for myself and call b.s. when I hear it. It's screwed up that she turned my kindness into subjugation, and that my caring for her just turned into her caring only about herself... I'm trying to remember that kindness and caring are positive qualities that I don't want to hold back, and balance them with total self-respect and independence and assertiveness about my own needs and boundaries. The whole open relationship thing was not cool, having that amount of trust betrayed is the kind of thing that could really sour my next relationship, but I'm not going to let it. Trusting someone you love isn't a mistake, it's betraying that trust that is.

 

I think what I really need is to address some messed up, irrational attitudes I have about not being lovable. That's what let me put up with her s**t and that's what made this breakup so hard. We shouldn't have been in touch when she was trying so hard to stop loving me, it almost made me do that same thing... but it's not her opinion of me that matters, it's mine. And there are plenty of good things about me that she never saw, we always edited ourselves around each other and that's just another reason why I'm better off finding someone new.

 

I think the real reason we broke up is that she wanted to re-invent herself and decided without consulting me that I couldn't be a part of that. Hopefully next time I'll find someone more mature and more compassionate. I feel like I've learned a lot about relationships and I'm looking to put the good lessons into action and more importantly, forget about the bad ones.

 

I hope somebody finds something helpful in this thread, there's definitely been some that have helped me out. I like this place... your perspectives are all welcome.

[bluescreenlife]

I just found this thread - http://www.loveshack.org/forums/t54657/ - and an emotional affair is exactly what she had with this other guy. gah! She asked me for an open relationship so she could fool around with him and not feel guilty... she tried to talk about our problems with me at the worst possible time, so she could leave without feeling guilty... and she left me with heartbreak, trust issues, and emotional abuse on top of it all.

 

and she's all about putting the blame on me. "you let me do things you shouldn't have..." no, YOU shouldn't have. jeez. now that my priestly days are over I'm really finding out that love is a two-headed beast - one's a nice cuddly bunny and the other's a dragon that shoots lasers out of its eyes. so here's to meeting someone new...

[BrokenSpirit]

Listen I can totally relate to certain things you said about your relationship. I went through/go through the same things in mine. And the truth is, it shouldnt be that hard to be with someone. This is the conclusion I have come to. The only thing that is slightly correct that she said is YOU did allow her to get away with it. If you didnt like something she did then there should have been consequences to her actions. Yes there are certain things that just shouldnt be done or said PERIOD. But at some point you have the right to be angry and show her that if she does something to hurt you that there are consequences to her actions. You are not a parent that has to love her unconditionally no matter what she does to you. You have to learn to be strong and believe in yourself enough to know when you feel wronged, you have the right to feel that way. Dont let her manipulate her way out of it and scare you.

Look you are done with her. Its time to look forward and take all the positives from the situation. You can get to know yourself and build your confidence. Get to a therapist immediately. You definately have self esteem issues and Im currently in therapy and its totally amazing. You will be blown away by the insight you gain =))

[bluescreenlife]

Hey everyone, don't feel you have to reply - I know I'm new here and these combined posts are pretty long - but I hope you won't mind if I just put this out there, it's good for me and I'm tired of making my friends and family worry about me. I'm going to be okay.

 

BrokenSpirit, thanks a lot for your input. And you're damn right that it shouldn't be that hard. As for me not standing up for myself... consider that lesson learned. I'll be lucky if I don't take it too far next time - like being jealous when my next girl is around other guys, or getting totally defensive to any kind of criticism. I promise not to do that and to find a good balance.

 

I had a really great week last week where I felt like myself again. I went to a great karate lesson, a party on the weekend with lots of pretty girls, played some music with some friends another day... all week I went to bed like I used to, thinking "that was a pretty solid day". That's the kind of thing I need a lot more of. I had a setback later in the week when I was talking to a friend about her breakup... we got into mine too and it didn't help a bit. Sometimes talking about it just makes it more tangible.

 

Do you all believe in breakup cycles? She had been through a couple bad breakups before and was really insecure about her body and her sexual performance... and this other guy gave her a chance to start fresh with all the sexy stuff I taught her, instead of being the girl who couldn't think of a position when we met. So she seduced him while we were in the open thing, and he dumped his girl for her too, she got her ego boost and I got a bad breakup just like hers, hence the cycle. Pure poison - remind me not to date anyone that insecure again. And remind me, when I meet someone nice who makes me feel sexy again, not to use my powers for evil. The cycle ends here.

 

So that's it for now... hope you're all doing well.

[D-Lish]

I know thousands of positions....

I get tired of the one where I have to stand on my head though... you know, neck cramps and all.

 

[bluescreenlife]

phew. thanks for lightening up my thread. =)

[D-Lish]

phew. thanks for lightening up my thread. =)

 

yer welcome...

haha.

 

It's absolutely awful to be in love with someone who doesn't reciprocate. I've been there more than a few times in my life. I wish I could promise everyone that it gets easier with age... but it doesn't! Sorry.

 

It's during these little breaks and set backs that we have to find strength again. Everytime I break up with someone I make it a mission to do something awesome for myself. Be it soul searching, a gym membership, a trip, or a big campaign at work.... anything, it doesn't matter. Just something fruitful that gets results and makes me feel better about myself. Anytime you work hard at something that brings about positive results... you regain some of that lost confidence.

 

It also takes your mind off the ex and takes your focus elsewhere. Nothing wrong with that. So each time you have a setback, a break up, a life altering pain.... you do something positive to counteract your loss. That's what it's all about. We all need to learn from our losses, so we don't make those same mistakes over and over again.

 

That doesn't mean we won't grieve, or that we'll forget...cuz we won't. But it won't all be for nothing either. The great outcome is that the right person will come along one day and we'll be ready for them... in mind, body and spirit. You can find strenth in loss if you work at it.

 

We all have choices here~ we can hang onto the grief and wallow in our sorrows (which I still do from time to time), or we can do something enriching and life altering to combat the pain and haul ourselves out of the big hole we're in right now.

 

Inevitably, by working on something positive...people will notice, including the ex.... but also other possible suitors.

Ok, those are my words of inspiration for this evening.

D

[bluescreenlife]

Thanks. =) I kind of see is as emptying out the bad and filling it up with good. The hurt feelings naturally fade away, but the hurt thoughts have to be consciously changed or they'll only get stronger - what you focus on grows. What scares me more than loving someone who doesn't love you is hating them. Since last week's setback I think I've realized the full extent of how effed up the whole thing was (not saying I was perfect BTW) and I felt some really powerful anger. then yesterday I googled her (definitely in setback mode) and found a picture, and she looks... haunted. And I started to realize that she's just a screwed up girl doing the best she can - that she's human and never set out to hurt me. Now that doesn't mean I'm wanting her back, that'll never happen, but hatred isn't something I want in my heart. I did some meditation and found a saner, bigger space to be in and it felt really good.

 

the night after (last night) I had a dream I was sleeping on the grass near the lakeshore in downtown toronto. I woke up and started walking and in a moment I realized my wallet wasn't in my pocket. I walked fast to where I'd been sleeping and there it was on the ground, with a concerned old lady about to pick it up. I was relieved and took it back and thanked her... went and bought some vitamins and swallowed like seven of them. I went to the train station where I saw this incredibly sexy, confident woman with an eagle tattoo on her lower back - and we smiled but I didn't talk to her yet, I wasn't ready. I went to volunteer at a thrift store and there were lots of people around who liked me and who I liked... then I woke up and signed onto this site.

 

Dreams are so coooool. the sleeping is my healing process, long as it's been. The wallet is my capacity to love, that was almost lost to anger and hatred... the vitamins are my strength and self-esteem. The woman is the yet-to-come love of my life... and the thrift store is the community of human beings that makes me feel so much better, just like it did last week.

 

Thanks for your inspiration D - I know this is bringing me lots of good things in its way. I feel more well-rounded and confident after going through all this suffering, more compassionate I hope... and I've picked up the guitar and found a good job and made some new friends along the way. I just have to use this to become stronger and wiser, and stay away from the bitterness and fear of love. And I know I'm good enough to do that. =)

[D-Lish]

That's awesome that you've picked up new projects and found some music again...

 

I love dreaming!

I'll post again tomorrow, but right now I gotta hit the sack... (alone unfortunately lol).

D

[bluescreenlife]

I wrote this last week, I think it sums up a lot of stuff. Feeling good for the past little while but if I slide back into grumpy mode I'm going to print this off and carry it around with me.

 

1. I will never be treated that badly again, for two reasons. One, I won't let it happen. There'll be no more blind trust, no more naive idealization of a flawed human being. It's not like I thought I deserved to be used and betrayed, I just didn't think it was something I had to worry about. Live and learn. And two: I won't be dating the same girl. Every woman is different, every relationship is different, and I'm going to find someone who makes a much better match with a smarter and stronger me. I'm still young and have a h_ll of a lot to offer, and there are thousands of interesting women out there.

 

2. Love doesn't have to be this painful. It shouldn't be and it usually isn't. I was hit hard by bad luck and inexperience, but I don't have to be afraid of women or bitter about relationships. Even my ex isn't an evil person: she was just going through a hard time in her life, her insecurities were strong and her focus shrunk down to herself. I'm not making excuses for her, she did and said some hurtful things that I'd rather not write about, but I need to believe in the essential goodness of human beings, and it's still out there. She wasn't mailicious, she was only self-centred. And I'll be bringing a whole new set of tools to my next relationship: I'll be much better at making it work, more aware of what to do when it doesn't, and better able to handle it when things break up. I'm not saying it'll ever be easy, but it sure doesn't have to be like this.

 

3. Life might never be this hard again. What with adjusting to life in the "real world", my more loving family members being out west, my Waterloo friends scattering while I was in school and my Guelph friends being left behind when I came back, this was a tough enough time in my life to begin with. (and there's the main reason for my getting dumped, besides basic incompatibility: I was living far away from her and I wasn't very happy with the rest of my life.) Since the breakup I've been struggling to gain control of my emotions and rebuild my optimism and confidence... and there have been times when I've felt better than ever, like this whole experience has made me a more well-rounded and deeper person. I can use this crisis to push me forward, to find my good self again and become more like the man I want to be.

 

4. I have a great life ahead of me. My thirties, a decade I hardly gave a thought to until recently, are pregnant with possibility. And even right now when I'm feeling my lowest, I am a wholly original, talented, articulate, athletic, good-hearted, musical and spiritual man. I am not going to let someone else's opinion of me affect my own self-respect, especially when it's someone who never really understood me, and someone who created a disortedly negative image of me to justify her own decisions and kill her own romantic feelings.

 

5. This relationship failed, but I am not a failure. Not being good for a particular woman at a particular point in time is a long way away from not being good for any woman, and light years away from not being any good. I acknowledge my mistakes but I will not regret them - I did what I could at the time, without the benefit of hindsight, and I've learned everything I could from the experience. I will not resent her anymore - she never set out to hurt me, and in some ways she treated me really well. I accept and honour my anger but I will not let it control me. I'll always remember the good times, and I won't forget the bad times either... but both are in the past, and right at this moment, I'm standing on a cliff above the sea, throwing those photos into the wind. Goodbye J., and namaste.