D-Lish Posted September 7, 2006 Posted September 7, 2006 I'd been dating a wonderful man for a year- that is until he broke up with me after a rocky past 2 months. The thing is- that I loved him like crazy, but I kept doing things to screw it up! I have been miserable the past couple months, going through a hard time and was being miserable with him. I said things I didn't mean, I had heightened anxiety which made me irritable with him a lot. As I was doing it I knew it was pushing him away- but I kept doing it anyway, couldn't help myself. I finally pushed him to the breaking point a few weeks ago and he ended it- over the phone, and was very adamant that he would never consider a reconciliation. The things is that I understand his reasons- know he is justified in his decision. I really had made being around me difficult on him. I just keep questioning what the hell is wrong with me???? Why did I push him and push him until he had no choice but to leave me? I loved him, but I mistreated him. What makes a person act in such a way? Now, all I can think about is how badly I screwed up and what an awful person I am. What is so wrong with me that I engage in such self destructive behaviour and then cycle into the "poor me" behaviour afterward? I know it is far too late to make amends with this man- I was truly miserable to him (irritable, bitchy, cold). But, I still feel like I want to apologize to him. Just give him a no strings attached, heartfelt apology for the ways in which I offended him. Not an apology designed to get back together- I know it's too late. Is that reasonable- to apologize? Or is apologizing just another selfish act on my part- because it's something I need to do for closure, whereas he may need to hate me to get over me. Oh man, I screwed up.
norajane Posted September 7, 2006 Posted September 7, 2006 Forget the apology and leave him alone. Google fear of intimacy and see if that strikes a chord. People with fear of intimacy will, when they feel they're getting closer to someone, push them away with behavior like yours. It can stem from a fear of abandonment or self-esteem issues or other things, but the end result is you push people away when you're getting close.
alphamale Posted September 7, 2006 Posted September 7, 2006 forget an apology. you only want to do it to make yourself feel better.
witabix Posted September 7, 2006 Posted September 7, 2006 I disagree. I met my ex tonight and apologised for my behaviour. Which was not the same as yours. A truly heartfelt apology can and does work for both people. Not necessarily for a reconciliation. For esteem issues on both sides.
Buttaflyy Posted September 7, 2006 Posted September 7, 2006 I think I might appreciate an apology from someone who mistreated me. Whats so wrong with a sincere apology with no attempt at reconciling?
alphamale Posted September 7, 2006 Posted September 7, 2006 I Whats so wrong with a sincere apology with no attempt at reconciling? look....it's already over and done with. she's just looking for an excuse to contact him.
Buttaflyy Posted September 7, 2006 Posted September 7, 2006 look....it's already over and done with. she's just looking for an excuse to contact him. I started to say something totally different, but you're probably right. Everybody wants that last excuse for contact. And an apology is not necessary or wanted so soon after a breakup (now that I think about it). You're right, I might be pissed. Apologize later down the road.
Author D-Lish Posted September 7, 2006 Author Posted September 7, 2006 You're probably right- both about the intimacy issues and the need for contact. I fall in love, become fearful of getting abandoned, so I sabotage. I need to break that pattern somehow. And I'm going to sit on the apology for a while. D
Pyro Posted September 7, 2006 Posted September 7, 2006 You're probably right- both about the intimacy issues and the need for contact. I fall in love, become fearful of getting abandoned, so I sabotage. I need to break that pattern somehow. And I'm going to sit on the apology for a while. D I would wait until you are over him and give him time to get over you and then sometime down the road, do the nice thing and apologize for any stress or hurt that you put on him. I guarantee that he will respect you for it.
Buttaflyy Posted September 7, 2006 Posted September 7, 2006 I would wait until you are over him and give him time to get over you and then sometime down the road, do the nice thing and apologize for any stress or hurt that you put on him. I guarantee that he will respect you for it. Good point Riddler. I think that would prove sincerity. He might not be ready for an apology right now and it could also be a step back for her.
Author D-Lish Posted September 7, 2006 Author Posted September 7, 2006 Yeah, I'm going to wait on it. By apologizing, it makes me feel better because it resolves the situation for me. I need the "last contact" to be a civil one because it makes me feel better. I think he needs the anger to get over this- and I think I need to let him have that. I'll give it time and then give him the respectful apology somewhere down the road. Thanks. D
witabix Posted September 7, 2006 Posted September 7, 2006 I waited six months, looked her in the eye and said I was truly sorry for hurting her. We had been civil to each other the whole time. She told me to contact her again next week for another soiree. It was cool, she seemed to think so too. I don't know how long you should wait, I am sure there are no rules. Letting his anger boil may be counter productive. He may turn it into hate.
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