date him or friend him?

[Guest]

Thank you guys for your advice and support.

 

I am sorry if I was a bit harsh in my previous post.

 

Veronica,

 

You really should tell your friend the whole truth about your feelings and why you like him so much but still only want to remain friends.

 

Have you told him that you will only marry a Jewish guy? If not, this is something you should tell him.

 

Okay I did metnion the fact that I will only marry a Jew. But I didn't tell him that I like him a lot but can only be friends because I will only marry a Jew. There is a lot of difference between those two sentences. He was actually surprised when I told him that I don't have feelings for him. He said that its there within me, deep inside, but at the conscious level I just don't realize it. I thought he was giving me some malarkey and dismissed it outright. I then clearly told him that I will only marry a Jew. After that he never made a move on me.

 

I am not sure whether I can tell him "hey I like you a lot but will not get into a relationship". I guess it sounds a bit cruel and moreover I am not sure about my feelings for him. So I guess I will just keep things the way they are right now.

 

Currently my friendship with two of my other friends is very bad (a guy and a girl). I told my friend about it and said that I won't hang out with them anymore... Which would mean that my friend would be gaining more importance in my life.

 

Yesterday we went to a movie and had a good time as usual. Today I wanted to meet him for lunch very much.... I even told him that I will walk half the distance to meet him but he was too busy at work and cudn't make it.

 

V

[Yamaha]

Then he is being insincere. He is with me just to get into my pants!! Damn I hate men!!!!

 

If he just wanted in your pants he would have tried and left when you didn't provide sex. He is hanging around because he likes you. Yes. He wants sex but he also see's potential in you as a life partner. Is this so offensive? You want him to conform to your desires of the relationship but he wants different things. It will be very hard to solve this problem and remain friends.

 

After I clearly told him that I will not date him he distanced himself. But it was very very painful for me.

 

This is selfishness. You should have just let him go. Your wants overrode his desires and you kept after him until he probably decided, " she must really like me because she is chasing me". You both know what you want out of your relationship and they are not the same goal. You need to let him go ( as painful as it will be ) and look for a friend that just wants to be a friend ( if you can't work it out ).

 

Do you mean to tell that this is an indication of he likes me more than friends or is it me liking him as more than friends?

 

If you are friends with someone you want them to be happy. If he found someone, you would be happy for him because he is your friend. Since he likes you more than a friend, I think he would not be happy if you found someone else.

 

If you really only like him as a friend, why did you ask in this post if you should date him or friend him? If you have no other feelings than friendship you would not consider dating him. I think you are confused and you have talked yourself into believing you just want to be friends. He makes you happy but he does not have the bloodlines you require so he is an undatable man ( in your opinion ). I think this whole thing will turn messy and the friendship will suffer unless you sit down with him and discuss your future. If he knows you just want friendship and he is willing to live with that then maybe you can stay friends. Communication is the key to a lasting romance or friendship.

[Almost]

He was actually surprised when I told him that I don't have feelings for him. He said that its there within me, deep inside, but at the conscious level I just don't realize it. I thought he was giving me some malarkey and dismissed it outright. I then clearly told him that I will only marry a Jew. After that he never made a move on me.

 

I am not sure whether I can tell him "hey I like you a lot but will not get into a relationship". I guess it sounds a bit cruel....

 

What is really cruel is letting him believe that maybe eventually, if he sticks around long enough, that you will let go of your rule of only marrying or having serious relationships with another jewish person.

 

Currently my friendship with two of my other friends is very bad (a guy and a girl). I told my friend about it and said that I won't hang out with them anymore... Which would mean that my friend would be gaining more importance in my life.

 

Not good. You need to hang out with other people, and starting dating jewish guys, and not spend so much time with this guy. You can remain friends, but I think you're focusing to much on him because of a lack of other friends in your life. Not healthy.

 

Yesterday we went to a movie and had a good time as usual. Today I wanted to meet him for lunch very much.... I even told him that I will walk half the distance to meet him but he was too busy at work and cudn't make it.

 

He's trying to set up a few healthly boundaries, and trying to treat you as more of a friend rather than a girlfriend, since you have clearly told him you're not interested in him as anything more than a friend. He has a life and other things to do and other people to hang around with. He's a good friend, but you can't expect him to be like a boyfriend or take on additional friend duties because you lost some of your other friends. That's not fair and it's asking too much of him.

[Guest]

Not good. You need to hang out with other people, and starting dating jewish guys, and not spend so much time with this guy. You can remain friends, but I think you're focusing to much on him because of a lack of other friends in your life. Not healthy.

 

I do hang out with my other friends and as I said I have been actively going on dates with Jewish guys for the past 2 months. I haven't become exclusive with anyone though

 

He's trying to set up a few healthly boundaries, and trying to treat you as more of a friend rather than a girlfriend, since you have clearly told him you're not interested in him as anything more than a friend. He has a life and other things to do and other people to hang around with. He's a good friend, but you can't expect him to be like a boyfriend or take on additional friend duties because you lost some of your other friends. That's not fair and it's asking too much of him.

 

I have another friend that is quite close to my office. I can very well meet her for lunch. Her office is like 5 minute walk from mine. But for some reason I am more interested in meeting this guy for lunch. His office is a solid 10 minute walk... but I don't care. I told him I am ready to walk... I just want to meet him for lunch. I asked him for lunch today but he said he can't meet me today as he is busy at work... but he did mention "how about later during the week?". And I said "How about Wednesday? I will walk half the distance!!! Hopefully you can make it on Wednesday". He agreed for that. We met last friday for coffee... and yesterday we went to a movie. We are meeting for lunch on Wednesday. Also, I have asked him for Bob Dylan and Rollingstones concert. Hope he agrees....

[lighthouse]

Let me just be really honest.

You like him. A lot. You told him that "it would break your heart if he moved," you tell him that "you miss him" and you plan your luncheons around him. I know you have never kissed. Well I like a guy and I have never kissed him either (i fear that may become a thread someday but not today) but I hope to soon.

I don't understand this whole dating/religion thing.

First, originally you said it was because of your parents. Would they disown you? Would your parents really look at you, happy and in love with Fred (whatever his name is) and say "no, he is not Jewish?" Would you be willing to give up a guy that you really care about because he is not Jewish?

I have lots of Jewish friends and some of them date other Jews and some don't. Some have dated both. Last year I was a bridesmaid in a wedding with a Jewish guy and a Muslim girl. The parents were upset at first but when they saw the two of them in love they forgot about it. One of my friends (Jewish) married a very Roman Catholic Hispanic guy. He converted and they have two kids that they are raising in the Jewish faith.

I have dated guys from different religions (yes even Jewish guys) and it was never a big deal - although I did learn lots of spiffy Yiddish phrases. It was never a big deal for them either - or their parents.

I can totally understand if you were dating someone who wanted to convert you to another religion or tried to turn you against your beliefs. This guy just wants to date you (it sounds like it from your description) and if he were Jewish then you would feel the same.

It is hard enough to find love in this world - why narrow your options so drastically? I am not suggesting you go after married men, felons, or homosexuals - just people who aren't Jewish.

Maybe I am just new fashioned.

LH

[Almost]

But for some reason I am more interested in meeting this guy for lunch. His office is a solid 10 minute walk... but I don't care. I told him I am ready to walk... I just want to meet him for lunch. I asked him for lunch today but he said he can't meet me today as he is busy at work... but he did mention "how about later during the week?". And I said "How about Wednesday? I will walk half the distance!!! Hopefully you can make it on Wednesday". He agreed for that. We met last friday for coffee... and yesterday we went to a movie. We are meeting for lunch on Wednesday.

 

You're still totally talking and acting like this guy is more than a friend, or you hope him to be more than a friend. You're totally in lust/love with this guy and the only reason you can't take it any further is because he's not jewish.

 

Also, I have asked him for Bob Dylan and Rollingstones concert. Hope he agrees....

 

Geez. Why don't you ask one of your jewish dates to go to the concert? Why not one of your woman friends? You're just making yourself miserable with this jewish only rule. But if you insist on keeping it, then you should stop "dating" this other guy and move on.

[Guest]

I would like to thank each and every one of you for providing your insight and honest opinions!

 

I have just made my decision: I will only marry a Jewish man!! I have been going on dates with Jewish guys for the past 2 months but I have not become exclusive with anyone as yet. But I will continue going on dates and eventually find the One.

 

I am going to keep this guy as just a friend. I enjoy being with him, laugh a lot when I am with him, but I only appreciate having him as a friend.

 

That's it... I have made up my mind. I am going to go ahead and get myself a great Jewish man!!! I am being faithful to my Religion and Family.

 

I would love to hear your opinions regarding my decision. I would like you to be honest and write your comments - regardless of whether its positive or negative. If you have good words for me please tell it... If you have harsh words for me definitely tell it. I just want to know your honest thoughts about this. I greatly appreciate your feedback!!!!

[Almost]

Your decision is fine with me. It's your life, your religion, your family. You can choose to do whatever you want. What really matters is whether you are honest with yourself.

 

I am going to keep this guy as just a friend. I enjoy being with him, laugh a lot when I am with him, but I only appreciate having him as a friend.

 

My only concern is that you are not really being fully honest with yourself with the above quote. You say, "I only appreciate having him as a friend." I don't think that's totally true.

 

I think it would be more accurate if you said, "I really like this guy and I am attracted to him as more than just a friend. But I'm just going to remain friends with him and nothing more, because it is more important to me that I maintain faith in my religion and with my family's wishes."

 

If you said that, it would be the truth and then I would be ok with your decision.

 

If you are trying to convince yourself that you really don't like this guy that much, in order to conform with your religion, then that's not the truth and I have a problem with that.

[lighthouse]

Agreed!!!!!!

You can't deny your feelings for someone to make others happy. I am sad that you may be giving up a guy (and a really good guy at that) that you really like because he doesn't fit into what you decide he must.

I always wanted to grow up and marry a blonde haired, 6 foot 3 inch tall man with a white horse. I am 30 and haven't found him. So should I only go to rodeos and look for men with horses? NO. I should go out and meet people and find someone that I like and who likes me - regardless of what color is horse is or, heaven forbid, he may be allergic to horses! I could learn to live without my "dream" for something that may be much better than what I could have ever dreamed.

Sad,

LH

[norajane]

I have another friend that is quite close to my office. I can very well meet her for lunch. Her office is like 5 minute walk from mine. But for some reason I am more interested in meeting this guy for lunch. His office is a solid 10 minute walk... but I don't care. I told him I am ready to walk... I just want to meet him for lunch. I asked him for lunch today but he said he can't meet me today as he is busy at work... but he did mention "how about later during the week?". And I said "How about Wednesday? I will walk half the distance!!! Hopefully you can make it on Wednesday". He agreed for that. We met last friday for coffee... and yesterday we went to a movie. We are meeting for lunch on Wednesday. Also, I have asked him for Bob Dylan and Rollingstones concert. Hope he agrees....

 

Are you even listening to yourself??? You really, really have the hots for this guy, and you won't admit it to yourself or to him. You're lying to both of you by pretending you only like him as a friend.

 

I don't care if you only date Jewish or not. That's your business and your call entirely. But your expectations are far, far beyond that of a friend here. Why can't you just be honest about it, at least to yourself?

 

Once you master that, you can be honest with him and stop leading him on.

[norajane]

I would like to thank each and every one of you for providing your insight and honest opinions!

 

I have just made my decision: I will only marry a Jewish man!! I have been going on dates with Jewish guys for the past 2 months but I have not become exclusive with anyone as yet. But I will continue going on dates and eventually find the One.

 

I am going to keep this guy as just a friend. I enjoy being with him, laugh a lot when I am with him, but I only appreciate having him as a friend.

 

That's it... I have made up my mind. I am going to go ahead and get myself a great Jewish man!!! I am being faithful to my Religion and Family.

 

I would love to hear your opinions regarding my decision. I would like you to be honest and write your comments - regardless of whether its positive or negative. If you have good words for me please tell it... If you have harsh words for me definitely tell it. I just want to know your honest thoughts about this. I greatly appreciate your feedback!!!!

 

My opinion? You are USING this man, and shame on you for doing so.

[Guest]

My opinion? You are USING this man, and shame on you for doing so.

 

Almost/LH/Norajane,

 

Thanks for your honest comments!

 

Not only is he a Gentile (non-Jew) but he is also not an American. He is from India.

[Yamaha]

I am going to keep this guy as just a friend.

 

You can do as you wish in regards to this man but you act like the decision to be friends is yours and yours alone. When you tell him of your decision ( and you must ) he might decide that he can't be just a friend to you. His feelings go beyond friendship and it might be to painful to be around you as just a friend. It is your decision to be with a Jewish man and marry him but you cannot dictate who will be a friend to you. That is a 2 way street.

[britchick]

So, in fact, you are just going to carry on as before. I feel really sorry for your 'friend'.

[Almost]

Not only is he a Gentile (non-Jew) but he is also not an American. He is from India.

 

Oh well, now you tell us! That changes everything! Not!

 

It doesn't change anything. I think you are kind of too hung up on race and religion.

[Moai]

Hey bro---this chick is a soul-sucking harpy, like I mentioned to you months ago. I can't believe that you are still hung up on this chick, and are still thinking about it. Life is too short.

 

I could be wrong, but there are WAY too many similarities between this thread and the one you intitated--as the Indian guy in this situation. I am not going to post your name, as I know you are just trying to sort out all the crap that is going on, but no matter how you slice it you'll get the same answer, whether you post as if you are her, or as if you are who you really are.

 

This girl knows how she feels. There is no doubt. It isn't as if she doesn't know if she loves you or not--people know it when they are in love. All she wants is an un-boyfriend boyfriend--and you are fitting the bill nicely. As I told you before, she is getting everything she wants from the relationship, and you are getting nothing.

 

It doesn't matter if she will walk across town to meet you, or if she will settle for coffee with you instead of a meal, or if she goes to shows with you. SHE IS NOT SLEEPING WITH YOU, NOR IS SHE EVER GOING TO. If you are not OK with that, then you should not hang out with her AT ALL. Find someone who wants to spend time with you AND be a real girlfriend. All this chick is doing is keeping the good girls away. How much of your life are you going to waste on her? There is no way she is worth it. No way. No woman is that hot, that fun to be around, or that understanding. Especially since you told her that you needed a break from her to get your feelings straight and she got mad. Great friend.

 

You are killing yourself for no reason. You have built this chick up into the only woman in the universe, and she is helping you. She gets off on it. Wouldn't you love it if there was some girl who thought that you were the bees-knees and did whatever you wanted and just adored you from afar, no matter what you did? Wouldn't that feel awesome? Sure it would. And that's you. Ask yourself this: Would you respect this person? No, you wouldn't.

 

Your only hope is to bail and never look back. That was true a few months ago, and it is even more true now. The only way you will ever win her is to show that you don't need her. And since it has gone on this long the chances of that are infintesimal. There are literally millions of smoking hot women around. Find another one. Since there is a huge cultural barrier, maybe you should focus on the incredibly hot Indian women walking around everywhere. But for god's sake move one before you become so damaged you'll never be able to have a relationship with anyone.

[serial muse]

oh wow, moai. i have to tell you, this story rang familiarity bells with me, too - especially the last post about the guy being indian. yes, i remember that poster. i also wondered if it could possibly be the same guy.

 

to the OP - if you are that former poster - i don't know if you've gained any insight from the current thread, but i agree with moai. you're still - months later - beating yourself up about something that is just bringing you misery, and over which you don't have any control. please, try to let go of that friendship and move on.

[Yamaha]

Wow.

I think you are right, Maoi.

NC. If it is you, you need to stop this obsession. You are killing yourself with this insanity. You can't accept friendship with this women so end it and never see her again. You really are spending way to much time beating a dead horse and you will not get the result you want. If you can't stop this you need to seek a counselor to help you feel good about yourself and move on from her poison.

 

M.

[Almost]

Geez, I had no idea this was a guy posing as a girl and had already discussed this relationship from the guy's point of view.

 

I feel so used by this guy! I devoted so much of my psychic energy responding to these emails, trying to give good advice.

 

I can't believe I was taken in. I don't know if I can ever trust anyone ever again!!

[norajane]

Geez, I had no idea this was a guy posing as a girl and had already discussed this relationship from the guy's point of view.

 

I feel so used by this guy! I devoted so much of my psychic energy responding to these emails, trying to give good advice.

 

I can't believe I was taken in. I don't know if I can ever trust anyone ever again!!

 

Ditto!

 

Sadly, though, his answer is the same regardless of how he slices and dices the data. He's really hung up on her and she won't have him, except to use him as an escort until she finds her man.

[Green]

this is insane some guy pertending to be a girl rehashes his old post and gets alot of comments and my threads never get any :*( well they are all right forget this girl who loves spending time with you and only let back into your life if she's willing to come crawling back intro your life necked!