date him or friend him?

[Guest]

You wouldn't act and feel this way about him if you only thought of him as a friend or only felt like being his friend and nothing more.

 

okay let me ask you this - If your close friend who you hang out with a lot goes on a 1 month vacation won't you feel depressed? If you meet that person every week and during a week he/she says they can't make it but sure will next week won't you still try to meet him/her instead of having to wait until next week?

 

Ok, so what is the big deal? Why do you only have to date Jewish guys? Is that your own choice or is your family making you be that way against your will?

 

Of course it is a big deal for me. I don't want to get into whether it's me or my upbringing but all that I can say is that I will only marry a Jew. I am now thinking of putting my profile on jdate.com... Wish me luck

 

Or is it that he does not want to date you because you are Jewish?

 

No, he actually flirted with me and was interested. But I said to him that we were "only friends". Why would I want to date him when I know that I won't marry him?

 

V

[Almost]

Maybe he would be willing to convert to being Jewish. Then would you be able to date him or marry him eventually? You'll never know if you rule him out right at the beginning just because he's not Jewish right now.

[Guest]

Maybe he would be willing to convert to being Jewish. Then would you be able to date him or marry him eventually? You'll never know if you rule him out right at the beginning just because he's not Jewish right now.

 

That does not mean anything. Conversion won't make him a Jew. To be truly considered Jewish one needs to be born to a Jewish woman.

 

I want to be faithful to my Jewish religion... I guess I will start dating Jewish guys instead of pondering over this.

[Almost]

To be truly considered Jewish one needs to be born to a Jewish woman.

 

This is one thing that has always confused my about the Jewish 'religion'. Unlike other religions, being Jewish is more like being part of a race, like being white or being african, or asian. But it's not a race, it's a religion. Or is it both?

 

I know plenty of jewish people who are married to non jews. Maybe they are just more liberal or not as strict.

 

It's too bad becasue if you love someone then you should be able to be with them. Or you don't have to marry this person, but you could have a fling with him, and then move on to marry someone jewish.

 

Or, if you really don't want to date this guy because he's not jewish, then you'll just have to face up to the reality that even though you are really attracted to him, you have to just stay friends with him because of your religion. But at least be honest with yourself that it's not that you don't want to be more than friends with him. You do, but you choose not to because of your religion.

[norajane]

okay let me ask you this - If your close friend who you hang out with a lot goes on a 1 month vacation won't you feel depressed? If you meet that person every week and during a week he/she says they can't make it but sure will next week won't you still try to meet him/her instead of having to wait until next week?

 

All you have to do is re-read your desperate questioning in this thread to know that you like this guy as much more than a friend and you're trying to get people to say they would go to great lengths to spend time with their friends and would miss them terribly and blah blah blah.

 

You just don't want to see that you're totally into this guy because then you'd have to drop the friends facade...and you do have to drop it, because the more you hang out with him, the stronger your feelings are going to grow for him and THEN you'll really have to make a decision.

 

The fact is that people who are only interested in friendship are ok with taking it as it comes and don't go to great lengths to change train schedules and make-up lunches in the same week and above all, do not go on websites asking people about the nature of the friendship. They just don't. You don't have these questions about any of your other friends, do you?

[Almost]

okay let me ask you this - If your close friend who you hang out with a lot goes on a 1 month vacation won't you feel depressed?

 

Um...No. Kind of bummed maybe, but not depressed. But I'm a guy.

 

If you meet that person every week and during a week he/she says they can't make it but sure will next week won't you still try to meet him/her instead of having to wait until next week?

 

Um...No. But I'm a guy.

 

Of course it is a big deal for me. I don't want to get into whether it's me or my upbringing but all that I can say is that I will only marry a Jew. I am now thinking of putting my profile on jdate.com... Wish me luck

 

Good Luck! I'm sure you will find plenty of great jewish guys to date.

 

 

No, he actually flirted with me and was interested. But I said to him that we were "only friends". Why would I want to date him when I know that I won't marry him?

 

Well, maybe since I'm a guy, and not super-religious, I can think of a reason or two you might want to date someone who you wouldn't want to marry.

[Guest]

All you have to do is re-read your desperate questioning in this thread to know that you like this guy as much more than a friend and you're trying to get people to say they would go to great lengths to spend time with their friends and would miss them terribly and blah blah blah.

 

You just don't want to see that you're totally into this guy because then you'd have to drop the friends facade...and you do have to drop it, because the more you hang out with him, the stronger your feelings are going to grow for him and THEN you'll really have to make a decision.

 

The fact is that people who are only interested in friendship are ok with taking it as it comes and don't go to great lengths to change train schedules and make-up lunches in the same week and above all, do not go on websites asking people about the nature of the friendship. They just don't. You don't have these questions about any of your other friends, do you?

 

Okay I guess people are ganging up on me.... Looks like everyone here feels that I am attracted to him or like him as more than a friend. But the truth is I am not!! I don't have feelings for him now and I won't have feelings for him in the future too!!! Just because I want to spend so much time with this guy does not mean that I want to have his children or swap spit with him.

 

People love to spend time with their friends... they miss them if they don't see them for a long time like 1 week. He is just a good friend... that's all he is.

 

I am going to start dating Jewish guys... that way I can stay true to my religion and also not get involved with this man.

 

Thank you and God bless!

[Almost]

You asked us what we thought, because you said you weren't sure what your feelings were about him. The title of this thread is "Date him or friend him?"

 

But now you are insisting that you don't like him as any more than a friend, and you are accusing us of "ganging up on you" because we think you want to date him, but won't because his religion isn't the same as yours.

 

I think it is fine if you decide you don't want to date him because of religious issues. I can understand and respect that. Just be true to yourself and be able to admit that you are attracted to him in a romantic way, but you choose not to pursue it for religous reasons. Nothing wrong with that.

 

What would be wrong would be if you were not honest with yourself, and tried to convince yourself that you weren't really attracted to him because you didn't want to admit that the only reason you don't want to date him is because of religion.

 

It's kind of like a Catholic priest taking a vow to be celebate. It's not that he isn't attracted to women and doesn't think about it. It's that he's made a choice to follow Catholic rules and practice celebacy. It doesn't mean he has to deny his real feelings. He just has to accept them and deal with them, and live with his choice.

[monkey00]

Whoa hold your horses, what does the guy have to say about this?

 

Do you assume your parents want u to marry someone in your religion, or did you actually ask them and got that answer?

 

As for the religious aspect, there are tons of people out there who date/marry people not in their religion or are of different religion. It just depends on how religious you are. For every religion out there, there exits people who follow their religion strictly and old fashioned, with all its rules and guidelines. And there are those who follow it midly or barely but still have their roots. It's a huge spectrum out there.

 

But anyway, based on your responses...it sounds like you like him more than a friend. However you're trying to make excuses, and hoping for us to give you the proper support to push in the area of 'denial'.

 

Aside from being friends, have either of you had anything remotely close to romance?

[Guest]

Whoa hold your horses, what does the guy have to say about this?

 

Do you assume your parents want u to marry someone in your religion, or did you actually ask them and got that answer?

 

As for the religious aspect, there are tons of people out there who date/marry people not in their religion or are of different religion. It just depends on how religious you are. For every religion out there, there exits people who follow their religion strictly and old fashioned, with all its rules and guidelines. And there are those who follow it midly or barely but still have their roots. It's a huge spectrum out there.

 

But anyway, based on your responses...it sounds like you like him more than a friend. However you're trying to make excuses, and hoping for us to give you the proper support to push in the area of 'denial'.

 

Aside from being friends, have either of you had anything remotely close to romance?

 

Okay let me give you the whole story.

 

I met him a while ago... some 5 to 6 months back. We had good conversations in the train while commuting to work. I found him to be very interesting and funny and I started changing my train schedules so that I could go with him. I then asked him for lunch and for a game. I guess he thought I was interested in him.. He started flirting with me and that was when I clearly told him that we were "just friends".

 

We continued to hangout and the time I was spending with him kept increasing with each week. We started meeting like atleast 3 to 4 times every week... just the two of us. I really enjoy spending my time with him... It came to a point where I would lunch with my friends and colleagues only if he couldn't make it. Once when he told that he might move and go to another city I clearly told him that he was breaking my heart. I have to say that I am a bit persistent in spending time with him. We meet every week. Sometimes if I ask him for lunch and he says he can't make it this week but can meet next week I wouldn't say "ok fine".. Instead I would say "how about coffee" or something else and meet him. And just in case if a week goes by without us meeting then I miss him. I also tell him "miss you". When we do meet it feels like I haven't seen him for months though we would have met just the previous week. He got a new job and is a bit far from me but still I want to meet him for our lovely lunches. I asked him whether he can take the train to meet me or we both could walk half the distance and meet in the middle. But off late he seems to be a bit busy and we are able to meet only once a week. It used to be 3 to 4 times.

 

So well.. that's the synopsis. There wasn't any romance between us. In fact we have not even kissed.

 

Having read this story do you feel that I am seeing him as more than a friend? Please understand that I am very confused now and would like to get honest third party opinions.

 

I just registered with jdate.com and will be going on a date next week with a Jewish guy.

 

Veronica

[Yamaha]

Yes. You like him as more than a friend. Having only known him for 5 or 6 months it is not normal for you to get this close to him unless you have other feelings driving your emotions. You do not feel heartache if you don't see a friend for a week or two. You do not miss them terribly and change your schedule in order to have more time to spend unless there is more than friendship feelings. I think you do not want to have more than friendship feelings as he is an undatable man, in your view. This does not change the fact that you like him. You can choose not to date him and that is your option but just because you have not kissed this man does not mean you do not have romantic and emotional feelings for him.

 

I wish you luck in dating a Jewish man and hope he brings you the happiness that this man has obviously done in your life. You also understand that if he has romantic feelings for you, and it sounds like he does, that the friendship will probably not last as you have different desires for your relationship.

[Guest]

Yes. You like him as more than a friend. Having only known him for 5 or 6 months it is not normal for you to get this close to him unless you have other feelings driving your emotions. You do not feel heartache if you don't see a friend for a week or two. You do not miss them terribly and change your schedule in order to have more time to spend unless there is more than friendship feelings. I think you do not want to have more than friendship feelings as he is an undatable man, in your view. This does not change the fact that you like him. You can choose not to date him and that is your option but just because you have not kissed this man does not mean you do not have romantic and emotional feelings for him.

 

I wish you luck in dating a Jewish man and hope he brings you the happiness that this man has obviously done in your life. You also understand that if he has romantic feelings for you, and it sounds like he does, that the friendship will probably not last as you have different desires for your relationship.

 

Thank you! I appreciate you honest assessment of the situation.

 

Okay this may sound unpleasant but I will only marry a Jew. That's for sure. I am also going on a date with a Jewish guy next week.

 

What is the best thing for me to do now? It is very clear that my behavior is crossing the boundaries.... Should I cool it down a bit? Should I say something to this guy? He is wonderful and I definitely cannot imagine him out of my life. I am desperately trying to convince him to re-locate to my city. Should I drop everything? Please don't say that I should no longer be friends with him.

 

Best,

Veronica

[monkey00]

What is the best thing for me to do now? It is very clear that my behavior is crossing the boundaries.... Should I cool it down a bit? Should I say something to this guy? He is wonderful and I definitely cannot imagine him out of my life. I am desperately trying to convince him to re-locate to my city. Should I drop everything? Please don't say that I should no longer be friends with him.

 

Best,

Veronica

 

I agree with yamaha, you dont have to kiss or have physical contact with someone in order to like them, even in a sexual manner.

 

As i reiterate some of the previous posters, fact of the reality is you are ruling him out as a potential mate because he isnt of your religion. However as that may be, you're ruling him in to be your best friend because thats the next best thing if you 2 cant be a couple.

 

Call it emotional cheating if you will, but i dont believe a person can truly progress and go on to a true and fulfilling relationship if they are still hung up on someone else, that being your friend. Not only that, but it will hinder possible future relationships because of that continuous 'what if' behind the back of your head every so often. in a sense you're holding yourself back on other potential relationships.

 

I say if you really want to go ahead and date/marry a jew man for that matter, forget about your friend and move on.

 

And again this points back to my hypothetical question i asked earlier, ' if your friend meets someone/has a gf, will you be around to support or sabotage his relationships with these women?'

[Guest]

And again this points back to my hypothetical question i asked earlier, ' if your friend meets someone/has a gf, will you be around to support or sabotage his relationships with these women?'

 

Well to be honest I have never encouraged him to date other women. Not once did we have such type of conversation. I don't know why but I really don't remember telling him sentences like "you should start dating other women". If he does meet someone I don't think I will try to sabotage it. I will definitely be curious to see how the dates are progressing and ask him lots of questions but I don't think I will do anything to ruin it.

 

Call it emotional cheating if you will, but i dont believe a person can truly progress and go on to a true and fulfilling relationship if they are still hung up on someone else, that being your friend. Not only that, but it will hinder possible future relationships because of that continuous 'what if' behind the back of your head every so often. in a sense you're holding yourself back on other potential relationships.

 

I say if you really want to go ahead and date/marry a jew man for that matter, forget about your friend and move on.

 

I see what you are telling. I am going on a date with a guy next week. He is perfect - he is Jewish and he has a good job. Let me see how it goes.

 

I don't know whether I can discontinue my friendship. That's impossible. And I am not sure why you advise me to do that. It's not like that we are in a relationship... we are just friends. And my friendship with him has not stopped me from going on dates with other men right?

[norajane]

I see what you are telling. I am going on a date with a guy next week. He is perfect - he is Jewish and he has a good job. Let me see how it goes.

 

I don't know whether I can discontinue my friendship. That's impossible. And I am not sure why you advise me to do that. It's not like that we are in a relationship... we are just friends. And my friendship with him has not stopped me from going on dates with other men right?

 

Have you gone out on other dates since meeting him? Or is your date next week the first one?

 

If you have gone on other dates, how did they go? Were you comparing them to your friend? Did they fall short?

 

You're being advised to discontinue the friendship because your feelings are engaged already with your friend. Those feelings can prevent you from developing feelings for anyone else. If you keep going out with other guys and all the dates feel flat, or you aren't attracted to the other guys, or are far less interested in them, it could be because you already have feelings for this guy.

[Guest]

Have you gone out on other dates since meeting him? Or is your date next week the first one?

 

If you have gone on other dates, how did they go? Were you comparing them to your friend? Did they fall short?

 

You're being advised to discontinue the friendship because your feelings are engaged already with your friend. Those feelings can prevent you from developing feelings for anyone else. If you keep going out with other guys and all the dates feel flat, or you aren't attracted to the other guys, or are far less interested in them, it could be because you already have feelings for this guy.

 

Actually I have been actively going on dates for the past 2 months and so far nothing has clicked. I went on dates almost every other day. Some of the guys I went out with were really stupid. Some guys wanted only one thing from me (if you know what I mean). I did have a good time with some guys but nothing came out of it.

 

I am not sure whether my friend is having any influence in this whole thing. But I do agree that I find it surprising how I have not become steady with even one guy though I have been going on dates for like 2 months. That's quite a long time... at least in my opinion. Correct me if I am wrong. And all the guys were Jewish!!

 

I also want to say that right now I am looking for "husband material" guys. I am 30 years old and can no longer afford to just casually date. May be that is making it very hard? I am not sure....

 

Do you guys think 2 months of continuous dating and still not finding anyone is odd? Please do let me know.

 

BTW I met my friend yesterday evening. OMG this man just knows how to make me happy. All that we did was just have coffee, talk, and take a walk. By the end of it he had made me laugh so much that I had tears in my eyes. We are meeting again on Sunday. Yayyyyyyyy

 

Hmmm... I don't know. The dating field is really hard. Ain't it?

[monkey00]

Well to be honest I have never encouraged him to date other women. Not once did we have such type of conversation. I don't know why but I really don't remember telling him sentences like "you should start dating other women". If he does meet someone I don't think I will try to sabotage it. I will definitely be curious to see how the dates are progressing and ask him lots of questions but I don't think I will do anything to ruin it.

There you go, a true friend would encourage him and give advice. From what you say it sounds like you're just screening his dates to see if they can compare to you, with your supressed agenda afterall. there are good odds you'd be jealous if they turned out great.

 

 

I don't know whether I can discontinue my friendship. That's impossible. And I am not sure why you advise me to do that. It's not like that we are in a relationship... we are just friends. And my friendship with him has not stopped me from going on dates with other men right?

 

no it hasnt stopped you. you may not realize it but you are subconsciously building a 'bar' or level for these men, because you are comparing them to your friend.

[Yamaha]

no it hasnt stopped you. you may not realize it but you are subconsciously building a 'bar' or level for these men, because you are comparing them to your friend.

 

So true. You will have to have a guy very much like your friend to get your attention.

 

OMG this man just knows how to make me happy. All that we did was just have coffee, talk, and take a walk. By the end of it he had made me laugh so much that I had tears in my eyes. We are meeting again on Sunday. Yayyyyyyyy

 

Have you told your friend that you have been dating guys for the last 2 months? How did he react to that news?

[Joyvke]

Omg, it's SO obvious you like your friend . You get so happy when being around him. I'm thinking you're trying to find the same kind of man only being jewish. You keep comparing the guys with the friend, that's why you havent got the click yet. Strange how people are true to religion but not to love . If I were you I really would go for the friend, but that's me. Religion isn't that important to me. I respect you, but don't you find it hard you're misleading yourself here, letting the man you like alot go like this?

[Guest]

Have you told your friend that you have been dating guys for the last 2 months? How did he react to that news?

 

Usually we never talk about other men/women. I don't talk about other guys and he doesn't talk about other girls. When we meet we just have incredible fun... that's it.

 

To answer your question, well I actually never told him about my dates. I know that he likes me and so I don't want to rub it in his face about my going out on dates. I will tell him about my dating life only when he tells me that he has started to date other women. Until then I am not going to talk about it. I am afraid that I might hurt his feelings. But on the same lines he knows very clearly that I will never ever date him. So I am not holding him back.

 

Okay guys I need your opinion on this -> I have been actively going on dates for more than 2 months now. Almost every other day. But none of the dates have progressed to anything meaningful yet. I haven't become exclusive even with one guy

 

Do you think this is odd? And do you really think this is happening because of my friend's subconscious influence on my decisions?

 

Do let me know.

 

Best,

Veronica

[Yamaha]

he knows very clearly that I will never ever date him.

 

Telling someone this but behaving the way you do toward him sends him mixed messages. He feels you have so much fun that someday you will see how good you are together. You also do not want to tell him about your dates because he likes you and by telling him about your dating other guys it will upset your friendship. This is another way if telling if you like someone as a friend or more. If a friend, you will be happy for them because they are happy. Do you think he will be happy for you by telling him of your dating?

 

 

Do you think this is odd? And do you really think this is happening because of my friend's subconscious influence on my decisions?

 

I think he makes you happy so until you find someone like him you feel no need to get serious with any of these other guys. Yes. It has a subconscious influence on you. It holds you back in looking for a compatible Jewish guy.

 

 

I know that he likes me

 

This is a major red flag in a friendship. He has feelings other than friendship. He is enjoying your company and hoping for more in the future. When you tell him of another guy you like it will change the dynamics of your friendship ( or end it ) because one or both of you do not have the same goals for your friendship. You have to realize that when someone wants things to move forward and the other one wants things to stay the same that someone is not going to get what they want. The rejection will always be between you and it will take months, years to get back to a level of comfort, if ever.

[Guest]

Hi Yamaha,

 

Thanks much for your message.

 

Telling someone this but behaving the way you do toward him sends him mixed messages.

 

Okay I really would like for you to outline the things that I do/say that makes you think that I like this person as more than friends. Honestly I am at a loss here. I do hangout with my other friends, I do miss them...

 

He feels you have so much fun that someday you will see how good you are together.

 

Then he is being insincere. He is with me just to get into my pants!! Damn I hate men!!!!

 

After I clearly told him that I will not date him he distanced himself. But it was very very painful for me. By that time we had known each other for around 3 months. At one point we had a big fight and I threw away the friendship. But I apologized profusely, constantly kept in touch with him, and finally got him back.

 

But now I understand that he has been hanging out with me only because he wants my body. What a hypocrite! Men are rats!!!!

 

This is another way if telling if you like someone as a friend or more. If a friend, you will be happy for them because they are happy. Do you think he will be happy for you by telling him of your dating?

 

Sorry I didn't understand this. Do you mean to tell that this is an indication of he likes me more than friends or is it me liking him as more than friends?

[britchick]

Your friend obviously has feelings for you and in MO you have feelings for him. Perhaps you should really be asking yourself if this situation is fair on him. No matter what you say to him your behaviour is telling this man that he has a chance and he is hoping at some point you will change your mind. I worry that at some point you are going to meet someone and it will break his heart.

[monkey00]

whether or not he's into you, you too should take responsibility. typical and easy to have a scapegoat to put a blame on.

 

Whether or not you admit it, you are sending him mixed messages. Why would a typical friend insist to meet another friend on X day, if he already said he couldnt make it.

 

i say you lovebirds should just get a room

[Almost]

Veronica,

 

You really should tell your friend the whole truth about your feelings and why you like him so much but still only want to remain friends.

 

Have you told him that you will only marry a Jewish guy? If not, this is something you should tell him.

 

From his point of view, I'm sure he is just as confused about your relationship as you are. He's probably wondering why is this woman so into me if she only wants to be platonic friends? He probably thinks you are giving him mixed signals, which you are. You are saying one thing, that you just want to be friends, but your actions and body language are probably more like you can't wait to jump into bed with him.

 

So I think it would help both you and him figure out your relationship together if you 'fessed up and told him that you only want to date and marry a Jew, but you still want to be friends with him. Hopefully this will lead to a productive conversation and you can figure out how to remain friends.