Ex-Boyfriend Problems, be nice.

[Guest]

Im sorry this is grossly long...I just wanted to give background. Im so confused.

 

I was with a really cool guy for 4 years, long distance. We were really good together except for one problem: I was depressed. The first 2 years I was mostly ok, but slowly I got worse. The depression was not his fault, but I had many abusive problems at home that didnt leave me when I went to college. I struggled to make it better by myself, but I couldnt at the time and he finally left me. Not becuase I was sad, but more becuase we argued a lot towards the end. This had nothing to do with him. I argued over small things becuase, I was too sensitive. I just didnt feel very good about myself, even though he was encouraging. When we were in person, though, it was actually calmer. When he was around; I felt safe, happier and whole. We were serious about marriage as well. We had a lot of the same interest and seem to be a great fit besides my pain. I really believe if I wasnt so sick mentally, we would have defintely survived and be together by now. There was no cheating involved, lieing or deceit. It was just bad timing for us.

 

Its been a year since we broke up and I am having a hard time coping with this still. I have went into therapy and have succeeded in changing a lot of my behavior and my anger issues without the need of meds (we all know though, this is an on-going process and it doesnt stop here). I also have succeeded in becoming happy with myself since May. But my heart still aches for his love. We have remained friends this past year despite how difficult it was. He was quite depressed, unmotivated and confused. I know he was really hurt by this because he really loved me a lot and I loved him deeply too.

 

Now he is finally dating some one else. Which I accepted right away despite his fear of me flipping out. Even though I tried going on dates myself, I have found nothing. I also virtually never get hit on, even when I look my best and feel great. And I'm not ugly, nor fat. So Im not sure what it is. Im friendly, I smile a lot, I talk to everyone, I make people laugh and make friends easily. All the dates I found, I had to find online by posting an ad as pathetic as that is.

 

But then there is another issue, the same day he told me he was dating some one else, he wanted to cam with me. And this isn't friendly camming. I was like "are you sure about this? Are you going to tell her?" and he's like no and he doesn't feel its bad, becuase its only looking. Apparently his girl has a past issue with "exes" taking her guys away. So Im assuming she will have a **** fit if she found this one out.

 

Im thinking, some one who cares couldnt possibly do this so early within 2 weeks of the relationship. I didnt really even get much satisfaction out of it. But I feel if he is already keeping secrets from her, is this going to last? And does he really care about her if he is willing to still talk to me online behind her back?

 

I still consider myself his friend rather than an ex after 7 years (we were friends before hand). I know Im an ex now and Im not use to this position because, he was my first everything. I wouldnt make a move just to screw their relationship up. Im not malicious like that. If he wants to make a move, that is his decision to play with fate. Sure, I accept half the responsibility, but I am not going to instigate it either.

 

My mind says "clearly there is no chance in hell." and my heart says, "but what if there is?" I guess Im a cursed romantic in that way.

 

Do you think this new relationship is going to be serious? Does anyone think that there are possibly some hidden feelings he still has that he is just not saying? I dont need anymore "just move ons," becuase Ive been trying for months now. Im trying to live my life, I got a lot on my plate. Clearly the pain is not passing away and I cant be angry, becuase I love him still. Please help, Im so confused.

 

Right now, Im just waiting and hoping for the best. I know getting back together will not be easy, but Im willing to take the chance to rebuild that great love again. The only issue is, he is not ready and who knows what is going to happen now. I will not force him to love me, the only thing I can do is earn his love and trust back. The problem is, with my luck, I dont think I ever will. But I guess that doesn't stop me from trying, does it? sigh..

[Jaded-Arie]

I want this back on top and am anticipating the replies.

[tikigods]

You are going to help ruin their relationship by agreeing to what he asks you to do with him. You right now are helping him hurt another person, all because you don't know how to say no to someone, that sounds like they are happy to use you and then dump you when something better will come along.

 

It sounds to me that you never gave yourself a chance to get over him, and act like his lap dog anytime he shows you the least big of affection, which means that he has tons of power of you right now.

 

Now the other thing to think about, is right now he is using you to cheat on his girlfriend, whats that tell you about his character and the type of person he is? Its hard to let go of the first everything, but its time to grow up and move on from him and get someone that will love you and not just use you

[Guest]

You are going to help ruin their relationship by agreeing to what he asks you to do with him. You right now are helping him hurt another person, all because you don't know how to say no to someone, that sounds like they are happy to use you and then dump you when something better will come along.

 

It sounds to me that you never gave yourself a chance to get over him, and act like his lap dog anytime he shows you the least big of affection, which means that he has tons of power of you right now.

 

Now the other thing to think about, is right now he is using you to cheat on his girlfriend, whats that tell you about his character and the type of person he is? Its hard to let go of the first everything, but its time to grow up and move on from him and get someone that will love you and not just use you

 

I do not mean to sound crude, but I felt like I was being guilted here. I appologized if that is not the case. To me, it seems my message was not read in its entirety when I hear "just move on" and repeating what I already know and am trying. I do not need guilt becuase, I have guilted myself long enough. I still dont believe he is a bad person, but perhaps lacks judgement in what he is doing. The issue is, Im moving in a year. So for me, there is no point in starting a relationship that Im bound to leave any way. I refuse to do long distance again. I am not mad at you, I just felt like I was being attacked for my actions.

 

I do not do anything unless I agree to it, not because he pressures me into it. Clearly that was my own decision and I take full responsibility of it. I do not beckon to his every call as you are assuming I am. Ive even considered to not do it again knowing this fact even before I posted this. I already weighed the consequence of this. But I am asking for answers to my questions, not to be insulted like Im being childish and selfish. I need some understanding here, I am very weak right now. When he broke up with me last year, I was hysterical and cried for 8 hours alone in my room with a huge video project due the next day. The only thing that got me to finish that project was the fact that maybe he could be in my life again in the future (my friend told me this to get me to stop crying and calm down for the moment). I worked the rest of the night on that project to finish it and spent the two weeks after contemplating suicide. I know no man is worth thinking that, but I was already quite alone at that time as it was. I have no support system. He was the person I trusted the most and was like family to me becuase, I am unable to be close to my family, plus they are recently divorced. They dont need extra issues from me, so I am out to solve my own problems. My close friends have no clue how to help me becuase, they never experienced this before, which is why I am in therapy. I try hard every day to remain positive, but I still feel crippled when I think about this. So I just dont think about this, but its trying at best. I am sorry if I sound like a jerk, I just am searching for answers. I understand your view, I just feel that guilting me and bashing his character is not helping me. I just cant be mad at him, Im sorry.